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Hi I haven't posted to you before. With family crises I always try and treat my xh as I would an old friend with whom I am estranged. For the sake of what is past i would contact him and pass on a brief message, or ensure that he gets the message. Nothing more.

What he then does is up to him. And do not worry about the effects on him. This is you husband's journey, and all you can do is behave with dignity and self respect.

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You've been given excellent advice, but I'm going to go one step further. Definitely provide your FIL w/your h's telephone number. Once you have met w/your FIL over dinner, you can then assess the situation and provide in your brief text to your h what is going on w/his father. Whatever the two men decide to do about communicating will be up to them. They both will need to set aside their pride if they are going to reconnect. Your h's journey may require that he and his father finally bury the hatchet and begin the healing process.

Do not worry about how your h will react. You are doing the right thing and one day maybe your h will appreciate the gesture.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you all for the advice, I really appreciate it. I still haven't talked to my FIL, but if nothing else we still plan on going to dinner Saturday evening, so I will be making my decision from there.

Aside from all that drama, one of my uncles died last week, when I told H he had passed all he said was, "I'm sorry to hear that." There was no emotion in his voice or anything, and hasn't asked anything since. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting some big out pouring of emotion. I think it hurt more because when I got to my dad's on Thursday night so we could go to the viewing he kind of looked around me. I said, "Were you expecting someone to be with me dad?" He said he didn't know, he thought maybe.... It just broke my heart because it hurt dad's feelings.

Since then I have been super busy, and honestly not really worrying about H much. I love him and want him to get through this, but I am finally not anxious all of the time and am actually getting more involved at church, despite my original apprehension of having to explain things to people I don't know. I talked to my counselor about it and his simple answer is quite true, then don't. lol Of course, simple.

H still barely looks at me or speaks to me, but on the upside he has rediscovered how to put the dishes in the dishwasher. smile He actually wrote out "thank you!" on the note I had left on his door stating I had paid the phone and electric bills. Before he barely scribbled thanks, or just threw the note away. Looking at all the little positives, no matter how little..... of course he could come home tonight and get really upset with me because I opened "his" door and "his" windows, but hey it's beautiful out and I wanted to air out the house, so he will have to get over it if he does get upset.

H does seem to be cycling again..... drank 2 beers last night, and one the night before, he seems to do that when the depression is setting back in, or surfacing. But who knows, I'm not focusing on it much, just noticed, since he cycles all kinds of strange.... still only cycled that once to making dinners with me and watching movies....hard to tell what other crazy stuff could be ahead.

OH, and I am excited to announce I have build my garden boxes this past weekend! I'm anxious to see if I can actually grow a garden this year.... boy I hope so!

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hrm,
I am sorry to hear that your uncle passed away. I'm not surprised by your h's reaction. Their empathy chip is totally broken and their responses to such things as this are just cold and awful. My xh has lost 4 close family members in the last year and he hasn't attended not one funeral, sent not one card or flower, nor has he called or texted some of the cousins that he use to be close to. One day, hopefully, they will regret their actions. I'm sure your father was very disappointed that he didn't attend, as he should be.

Congratulations on the garden boxes! So, what are you planting in them? You should be proud of yourself and you definitely will have plants growing in them very soon, if the bunnies and other animals do not make a meal off the plants!

You are doing very well...keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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snodderly~ Thank you! I like your line about their empathy chip being broken. smile However, with my H, I feel like if it were his family or some co-worker, he would have shown more interest.... since he talks to them like everything is fine, and he's just so great.... and of course ever the flirt with some of the work whores... um... I mean women.... yeah.... that's what I meant.... lol.

Anyway, I've gotten myself to a good place these last few days. Let me just tell you all Friday was a BAD day for me. I was really depressed, and not just because of the funeral. While I was at the church after the funeral,I was watching my dad with my sister's kids (half sister) and how his whole face lit up, it made me sad to think I may never give him grandchildren, between the PCOS and the H with his head up his butt, I just couldn't get myself out of depression Friday. When I got home I had a crying, praying mess on the floor moment, we are talking sobbing. Well God must have heard me because my sister texted me to see if I was ok, because I didn't seem like myself, which it's strange she picked up on that because I don't see her often. So I told her no and briefly filled her in on what my problem has been ( I haven't told many people), and since this seems to be getting worse not better, and could still get far worse I told her. She of course was blown away, everyone in normalville usually is. So I will be meeting with her sometime when her schedule allows. Then on Sunday my pastors wife asked me to go to dinner with her one night. I told her her timing was perfect, she corrected me and said, "No the Spirits timing is perfect." While sitting in the church service they asked for volunteers for VBS (vacation Bible school), my counselor has been telling me to volunteer and I felt compelled, so I am now doing that and we already had our first meeting! So what a busy week! Also I just feel like the Lord has filled me with his peace again, and I am so appreciative of that! He has reached down his hand, picked me up, and dusted me off, and I'm back to not feeling anxious and trusting whatever is supposed to happen will happen, God has a plan and he doesn't need my help, He knows what He's doing. LOL

Now back to my super awesome garden! lol I am planting a bunch of veggies and some fruit, I have a lot of seeds started.... green beans, peas, lettuce, sunflowers, pumpkins, watermelon, several types of peppers, carrots..... and I do have to watch the rabbits I have 4 who are claiming my backyard as there own!

Another thing about the garden boxes, my dad actually helped me build them (I didn't have a truck to get the wood), and I learned that my grandfather (his dad) used to LOVE to garden. My dad told me my grandfather had had a huge garden bigger than my backyard! Said he would be out there tending to it till sundown most nights. I said too bad he isn't around now he could teach me to garden (he passed away when I was 4), but then I said maybe he could be my garden angel! So who knows. smile I thought it was really cool to learn that about my grandfather.

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hrm,
God does have a plan for each and everyone of us. When you turn your problems over to him, he will show you the way. Yes, he likes to see us take care of ourselves, but there are some problems that only he can fix and the outcome may or may not be what we had prayed for.

I am glad to see that you are going to volunteer for the VBS. You might be surprised to find out that you enjoy doing this. It's a nice way to meet people, stay in touch w/people and also teach the word of God.

Your garden is going to be a huge success. I'm sure your grandfather is looking down on you and smiling. Gardening is one of the most relaxing hobbies and it will help to take your mind off of your situation and best of all, you can see what you've accomplished.

I believe you are on the right track! Stay positive!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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hrm134 Offline OP
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Ok...so.... I was supposed to meet with my FIL Saturday, but that didn't happen because he texted me Saturday morning to let me know he had just gotten out of the ER so he couldn't meet me. I have tried several times to call him and he hasn't answered....

I think I am just going to tell H tonight and whatever he wants to do or not do then it's up to him and out of my hands. I just feel like if I wait to talk to FIL it could be too late, I don't want to run the risk of something happening to him and H not even knowing......

I figure no matter what I say to H, or how I present the information, in H's eyes it will be wrong, and I will still be the horrible projection he is so angry at, so I'm just gonna suck it up and do it. He will be home in about an hour, if he comes directly home, which he mostly does, but you never know. Wish me luck! smile

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Good luck. Keep your message short and to the point...then leave it in God's hands to do the rest.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi hrm...how did it go?


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

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Thanks for asking T, all things considered it went well. Here is the play by play. First I assessed his mood, I lucked out and it was good. So I went downstairs where he was watching tv and asked if I could talk to him for a minute. He paused the movie and I started with I need to bring something to your attention, and it may upset you, but I need to let you know. I proceeded to tell him his father texted me and said his health is going down hill FAST and would like to talk to him. I told him it's totally up to him and I had written down his father's phone numbers and laid them on the desk if he wants them. Also restated it's totally his choice, I'm just relying the message. He thanked me for giving him the message. I went back upstairs.


I was getting ready to watch a movie when I heard him on the phone with someone, which was strange because he NEVER talks on the phone around me anymore. I could count on one hand how many times that has happened in the last 7 months (wow, Friday will be seven months since I've started living in the Twilight Zone....). Well I would bet money he wanted me to hear that conversation and wanted me to get upset. The conversation was about a big shooting match in October, which what I gather from the conversation he is going to be working, it's in Las Vegas (some place he's always wanted to go), I heard him talking about the hotel and didn't know if he was shooting the match or just working it. Whoever he was talking to must have congratulated him and asked him if he needed anything for it,because he thanked them and said he things he is good, can't think of anything he needs. Then they must have asked about things here because he said a very mumbled fine or good or something. The person then must have said something about being jealous of where he was going because he said you can come along. He came upstairs after the conversation and started asking me how much I talk to his dad. I told him not very often, he's called me a couple of times and texts me occasionally. He said, "Well just so you know I have no intentions of contacting him." I said that's up to you, I'm just the messenger. He then went on to say well let me know if he starts harassing you. I told him it would be fine and that wouldn't be necessary.

I was my typical pleasant self all evening and even got a glimpse of the old H at one point. I just can't believe the emotional pain a person is willing to inflict on another person. Going away like that was always something he would want me to do with him, now he won't even tell me about it, except through an overheard phone call. And that just brings me back to no matter how convincing he may be, he's not ok, he's totally nuts right now!!!

So I did look at the phone bill and he had been talking to his mom LOL. He's been doing a lot of talking to her, that's never good, she's pure evil and plants crazy ideas in his head, and currently he doesn't need any help with that. He comes up with a whole lot of crazy on his own!

I'm even more concerned because I saw he has a couple of his retirement statements out and stapled together and sticky notes with passwords on them.... it's A LOT of money and I have this horrible feeling he is going to be cashing all of that out..... how do I not get screwed in that situation? He can't be spending all of that on whatever, marital property, whether he likes it or not..... just sayin' I'm sick of getting screwed over by him, and treated like I don't exist, while he goes out buying toys and doing who knows what else.

Also this morning he asked me to "do him a favor" and put my gym membership on my bank account because he's thinking of closing the 2 credit cards. I asked him if he wanted me to put both of ours on my account. He said he would "have to think about it." Which probably means no. I can NOT believe he is going through with all of this nonsense..... he needs to wake up and see how good he has it. I can not believe how selfish he is being, it's just astounding....... I don't think I will ever be able to wrap my head around going from what we had to this nightmare...... I get that it's his journey and all, but it's just so messed up.

Also, his birthday is Saturday, so I've been expecting an extra helping of behavior that makes the residents of Normalville go WTF?? Since he has made his gun purchases I'm waiting for a car to show up.... either a Camaro or Corvette... just a feeling.... thinking it will be between now and the end of July.... I was right about when he was going to make the gun purchases, so we will see how accurate my theory is on this....

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