I would say "You should take the time you need to think. Change is always difficult just because it's different. When things change, it makes you feel worse before you feel better just because it's not like it's always been. I'm committed to making some changes for my own sake. I will pursue these changes for me, regardless of what happens between us, because it's what I want to do and the person I want to be. I love the kids and I want to be the father they deserve."
Per Adinva, that's not really answering her question, but just being up-front about the fact that you're going to work on your improvements no matter what -- whether she's watching or not.
how did you go from proceeding with a D and then reconciliation in less than a month?
First of all, my M was troubled for years. I was reasonably oblivious and more or less OK with the way things were other than that I was unhappy with the sex life. W cheated on me twice for "one-nighter" bar nights, and had two long EA's, but I didn't know about any of it. I completely trusted her and thought she would never do something like that. I figured if she was unhappy she'd talk to me about it, but she didn't.
At the time I found out what was going on and was asked for D, W's last EA had already ended (the weekend before). W was pushing to take things up a level when OM went no contact. W had been seeing an IC to help her plan to leave me, and had been working on that for months in terms of figuring out finances, impact on kids, etc., she'd spent lots of time planning it out.
Therefore, I wasn't making my situation worse by virtue of the fact that I didn't know about it. Secondly, when I did find out, I found this site really quick and used a DB coach right away and that made all the difference. That first 48 hours I definitely could have tanked it had I said / done the wrong things.
Finally, my marriage, although troubled, really wasn't that bad. We didn't have money, parenting, religion, anger, depression, alcohol or other issues. Part of what was so painful was that I couldn't look at it and see exactly where I had screwed up. It was more like W was acting like she didn't want to be around me, so I found other things to do, and she then got resentful that I wasn't spending more time connecting with her. I also learned that she was expecting me to do a lot of mind reading which I wasn't good at.
Once we were able to actually discuss the issues she had with me, I said "OK" and 180'd them. W was very surprised by this because she thought I'd be either unwilling or incapable.
I guess if I were to sum it up, I was able to turn it around because:
1) I got lucky because OM was gone by the time I started to DB 2) I got help right away 3) Things really weren't that bad historically
That's not to say it wasn't immensely painful and difficult -- it was the worst thing I've ever gone through by an order of magnitude. To say I "turned it around" in a month isn't really accurate. I got W to stop talking about divorce and consider reconciliation in a month, but for a long time it still could have gone either way, and W was letting me know.
It wasn't like things were suddenly all better -- she still was telling me it felt "bad" when I hugged her, she didn't like physical affection at all, that I'd be happier with someone else, etc. etc. etc.
I definitely don't consider my sitch an overnight success -- it's still not over.
Ive always been curious about this too. thanks for sharing your story Accuray. You are definitely one of my favorite posters.
Sorry to hijack SIW. Ive been following your sitch and i think your doing an excellent job. Its does seem the sooner you find this site after the bomb and implement the techniques the quicker the results start to show up. best of luck.
M40 W39 S14 D7 bomb 8/11 PA 10/11
It seems that W will move 1 step forward and 2 steps back the next.
Hey Sad, I've been following your thread for a while (incidentally I'm in WI too) and I keep seeing you have questions about this. The reason you seem to be making progress, your W lets her walls down, but the next day they are back up twice as tall and twice as thick is this:
All WAS' believe two immutable truths (and I think MWD points this out as well).
1) The WAS knows who the LBS is completely. 2) That the LBS can never change.
Your W is seeing the changes and likes them, but it puts her feelings in conflict with those two truths. Then the walls go back up again.
You can't fight against someone's feelings. You can't reason them away. Your W is flat out telling you these things. That she fears that the changes are only temporary and you are only doing this to win her back. When her feelings are in conflict, she keeps coming back to the feeling she needs to be away from you.
There may come a time where you need to agree with your wife's feelings.
W and I had some time tonight to talk. Mostly house/kids stuff, but she then brought up again. She basically said that it is going to take her some time to believe that my actions are not merely a tool to keep her to stay.
I just listened and then spent the rest of the night watching tv. We are going out to eat and to the museum n Milwaukee with kids on Saturday.
I am glad that I found this site shortly after W dropped the bomb. I would have been a blithering idiot without out everyone's help.
Fergie, I can appreciate your perspective and know that her feelings are out of my hands. I can only control what I can do. I will keep pressing on.