I wasn't going to comment but I wanted to throw in that you are NOT at square one. You are back peddaling a tiny bit but not all the way to the beginning.
You crossed your own boundary, you told him you weren't comfortable with that and it was a mistake. That re-established the boundary and now, like you said, you go back to living your own life and letting him process...on his own.
It will be hard, but not like the beginning.
Be strong! Be courageous! Live like NO ONE ELSE!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I don't think that making this mistake, ONCE, is a dealbreaker, provided Autumn follows it up IMMEDIATELY with a "that was a mistake; I don't want to mislead you, that can't happen again" boundary . . . and sticks to it.
Were it to happen twice, AFTER such a boundary statement were laid out after the first time, then I would suggest that you'd actuallbe be at "Square Minus-1," because you would have simply shown your husband what the easiest way to manipulate you is, and your so-called boundaries would then be laughed at, because he'd know you weren't serious about it.
DBing isn't complicated, but it DOES take a very strong amount of self-control. In fact, I have yet to see someone do it successfully without that all-important character trait.
Bug and Mishka, thank you for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it.
MF and Starsky, I get where you are both coming from. I've thought all of those things.
I am will not justify my actions because I clearly crossed my own boundaries, but when I messaged you on 3/26 (Starsky) I said that I planned to make that clear to him but really didn't establish that crossed boundary until after the second time.
Did I know it? Yes Did I express it very clearly to him? No
But that being said, he doesn't respect my boundaries and I need to have that self control. Even after I clearly expressed my boundaries, he joked with me about them. I don't disagree with what you are saying Starsky.
I just got off the phone with my father and I will be going there for the weekend and spending Easter with them.
But that being said, he doesn't respect my boundaries and I need to have that self control. Even after I clearly expressed my boundaries, he joked with me about them.
Autumn,
Your husband will begin respecting your boundaries when YOU do, and not a moment sooner.
I will continue to pray that you find the strength and courage to do so.
You can do this. You just plain can't share your body w/someone who so willingly will give/who has given his to someone else...
Mishka My opinion is... She's re-starting... He was unfaithful multiple ways/multiple times. She distanced herself. He didn't respect her wishes. She let him do exactly what he was guilty of with someone else. Guess its ok if I'm nice enough... Keep pouring on the syrup etc...
Autumn is awesome. I can't blame her for wanting an intact family.
It's now her choice to make whether infidelity is acceptible to keep it. Because, her H is doing NOTHING but sweet talking her to keep her in check.
I really hope he comes around.
The man is a multiple time cheater, though. With a silver tongue.
Blech
She's WAY too special for this.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Your husband will begin respecting your boundaries when YOU do, and not a moment sooner.
I absolutely get this and agree 100%
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
I will continue to pray that you find the strength and courage to do so.
Thank you!
Originally Posted By: mindfull
Autumn. Glad you're going to your Dads. Can the boys go with you?'
They can absolutely and I hope they do, but it is "technically" his families holiday (we alternate) so if the want to go see their cousins I won't make a big deal. I would definitely prefer they are with me though, but either way I will be fine
Space was not an issue last night. H spent the night watching basketball with S15 which is good because he rarely spends time with the kids anymore.
When S17 got home he was asking to sleep at a friends tomorrow (tonight) and I reminded him that it was his fathers birthday. When I went to bed H was irritated and complaining of 'issues' with the boys and specifically with S17. He feels distant from him, and wanted to know if I felt anything in my relationship with him. I said that I didn't.
This morning I said "happy birthday" when I woke up and started to get on with my day. He asked me if I was ok going to his parents for Easter and I hesitated. I said "I wasn't planning to have this conversation on your birthday" and he said "well my mom will ask" So I said "well I plan to go to the beach with my brothers and spend time at my dads" and he got very quiet.
Because there is no separation or agreement of any type, I wasn't sure how to handle the kids. I mentioned "letting them decide or they can go with you" and he said "they shouldn't be put in the middle" and I said "they've been in the middle for a long time now"
I won't make a big deal out of it. I will really miss them. As old as they are, it won't be the same but I have to get used to it.
I took S15 to school, and usually H is still in bed when I get back. This morning he was showered and walking out the door by the time I got back. He said a quick "have a good day" and left.
I have lunch plans with a friend today. She is going through a D too, and was texting me last night.
I have to be honest, I have a huge lump in my throat and the tears are back. I know he has no respect for me and he has been manipulating me, but I am still grieving. We have 20 years of history and not all of it was bad. It is a hard day.
autumn, i'm no one to give advice since i'm so new here and surely doing everything wrong but i'm so sorry for your pain. i completely understand it. it would be so much better if our husbands were totally nasty and had evil faces with horns on their heads. but...they don't. they have the face we fell in love with, the laugh we long to hear, the smile that melts our hearts, and worst of all, they still love us, too, just not the right way for us to be happy.
breathe, breathe, breathe.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
