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#2232353 03/21/12 03:01 PM
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I am starting a new thread because the last one was over 100.

I am journaling mainly, because I am at times confused by H and need to post here to avoid responding to him.

I know it was the fact that I asked him to leave the home, coupled with the tragic death of his coworker. I can see why he is doing what he is doing but I find it so confusing at times.

I just got a text from H:

I need to tell you, no matter what happens to us I love you. I always have and always will. Ian didn't get a chance to say that to his family today. I am really sorry for the pain you are in. I don't need a response, I just had to say that.


So I have not responded and don't intend to, it would do no good. He is clearly scared, probably for a few reasons.

One thing that stands out to me is the fact that he says "the pain you are in" and not the "pain I have caused you".

Just posting here to busy myself for a minute and move away from the phone.


-Autumn

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Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves


I just got a text from H:

I need to tell you, no matter what happens to us I love you. I always have and always will. Ian didn't get a chance to say that to his family today. I am really sorry for the pain you are in. I don't need a response, I just had to say that.


So I have not responded and don't intend to, it would do no good.



Good. I'm glad you understand that. Respond only to emergencies, or legitimate things about the boys.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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He is probably wondering about his own mortality. It sounds like guilt to me autumn but why bother reading into it. I think it is a positive IMO.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves


One thing that stands out to me is the fact that he says "the pain you are in" and not the "pain I have caused you".



Yep -- that's very insightful of you, Autumn. I call it "The 4 Stages of Remorse," and it goes something like this:

They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my wife and kids, for the breaking of my vows, etc."

I would peg your husband somewhere between the first and second stages right now.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

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Autumn -

You're such a better study than I ever was!

And, I'm really so deliciously happy right now.

I see so much good for you in the future.

You operate on rational choices and reactions.

Keep it up, and post it here, or in my txt... Just keep it where it should be, and not towards him.

(Starsky made me cry w/that post about crying into a towel. smirk And, look at him now! You have two of us (at least) posting to you from a place of happiness, w/totally different outcomes. I'm so glad you have the benefit of the advice, coupled w/your ability to USE IT!)


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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During my sitch, I was given two or three REALLY excellent pieces of advice (OK, I was given HUNDREDS, but there were just a few that became basic, daily mottos for me to live by).

One of them was, in my response to my question of "How will I know when my wayward wife is telling the truth?", after she'd lied to me, to our adult daughters, and even to her own parents, repeatedly.

I was told:

"When her actions align with her words, over time . . . then you will know she is telling the truth."

I later learned that the time frame to that "over time" was measured in months, not in weeks (or even days!), but looking back now I can see how ACCURATE this was.

The #1 advice I got, by the way, was "In every situation, don't worry about what your wife will think or how she will react, or anyone else for that matter. Instead, simply DO THE RIGHT THING. Ask yourself 'What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would tell me to do, if He were standing right in front of me right now?' "

These two things helped me . . . a LOT.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Autumn, this is some very good advice from Starsky, especially this:

Originally Posted By: Starsky309
The #1 advice I got, by the way, was [b]"In every situation, don't worry about what your wife will think or how she will react, or anyone else for that matter. Instead, simply DO THE RIGHT THING. Ask yourself 'What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would tell me to do, if He were standing right in front of me right now?' "

Starsky


I think I'm going to print this out!


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
Autumn, this is some very good advice from Starsky, especially this:

Originally Posted By: Starsky309
The #1 advice I got, by the way, was [b]"In every situation, don't worry about what your wife will think or how she will react, or anyone else for that matter. Instead, simply DO THE RIGHT THING. Ask yourself 'What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would tell me to do, if He were standing right in front of me right now?' "

Starsky


I think I'm going to print this out!


I should have added:

" . . . and then let the chips fall where they may, knowing you'd done your best."

Danged "Edit" feature disabled!!! mad


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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That is the part that hit me to RoRoin. I may just print that out myself. It is fantastic advice indeed.

I had one heck of a morning, it was rough to say the least. I am now feeling much stronger and will have it together before the kids get home from school.

I do plan to have a talk with them this afternoon a bit, to explain some things and answer any questions they may have. I want to make sure they are ok right now.

I have support group tonight and I'm looking forward to that. I also have Al Anon tomorrow, which is good.

Just putting one foot in front of the other today, it is all I can do.


-Autumn

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Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
That is the part that hit me to RoRoin. I may just print that out myself. It is fantastic advice indeed.

I had one heck of a morning, it was rough to say the least. I am now feeling much stronger and will have it together before the kids get home from school.

I do plan to have a talk with them this afternoon a bit, to explain some things and answer any questions they may have. I want to make sure they are ok right now.

I have support group tonight and I'm looking forward to that. I also have Al Anon tomorrow, which is good.

Just putting one foot in front of the other today, it is all I can do.


Autumn, some days that's all any of us can do. But you're doing it, and that's what counts!


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
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