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#2234264 - 03/29/12 05:37 PM Re: Moving right along [Re: chatterbug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
May be a very good idea chatterbug, thank you. I guess I forgot that for a moment "if something isn't working, change it" and I know that it hasn't been working and is driving me crazy.
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2234386 - 03/30/12 10:56 AM Re: Moving right along [Re: Autumn Leaves]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Hi AL. I am going to offer another bit of advice to go along with the communication.

You gotta stop the pity parties.

You gotta really start using the 'Fake it until you make it'

When you have these short conversations. You gotta portray who you really are. And that is a woman. A wonderful woman. A wonderful mother. One who has some scars but one who is going to make it no matter the outcome. You are a good honest nice person. Remember who you are. And start to communicate as yourself again. Practice this with everyone you know. Remember what it was like to be happy. Practice it. Show it outwardly.

The next time he comes at you with the I am down in the dumps. Smile and say " Yes, I agree. I can see that your really down in the dumps."
Then carry on about your day. Because you just validated Mr. AL and did not push. Did not chase. You showed confidence. You were a decent human being. You were nice.

And do not forget to smile. Spring is in the air.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

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#2234394 - 03/30/12 11:21 AM Re: Moving right along [Re: chatterbug]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
I am absolutely smiling, and very much enjoying this great weather smile

Fake it till you make it has always been what I've told others in tough situations, and I am taking that advice as well.

The past few days I have really been really enjoying my boys. We have had some really good times. I had dinner with just S15 last night and we had such great conversations. I truly LIKE these young men in addition to loving them.

I am taking myself shopping today for a new blouse and new pair of shoes, and that always makes me feel good. I have an event that I need them for and really looking forward to getting dressed up smile

Thank you for taking the time to write that out chatterbug. I absolutely know where you are coming from and needed to read that. I am a nice, honest, intelligent woman and plan to spend some time working on her again. I have a lot to offer and friends who truly appreciate me. I've started making some fun plans for the coming months, and actually feeling pretty excited about it.
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2234400 - 03/30/12 11:34 AM Re: Moving right along [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
You gotta really start using the 'Fake it until you make it'

This works!!
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

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#2234413 - 03/30/12 12:20 PM Re: Moving right along [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
Valeska19 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/11
Posts: 1235
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Hooray for shopping! Enjoy it!

I agree with Chatterbug that you need to "Fake it till you Make it". I know it's hard.. but the more you fake.. the sooner it will turn real for you...

..which will help with your situation. IMO - it's not that what you are doing isn't working because your H refuses to listen. It's only not working if it isn't helping you figure out your next steps.

I know it sukks, but healthy people respect boundaries. Loving people respect boundaries... because they care enough about the other person.

I'm not saying your H doesn't care about you, but I do think his mind is only thinking about himself. Even if he is making it about you... it's not...

... because if he was.. he would be respecting your wishes.

Until he can shift his focus.. there isn't much you can do.. except to validate his feelings (which isn't saying he is right) and not reacting in a negative way.

But I don't think it's time to switch "tactics". You've only been doing this a couple weeks. Give it time and continue to stay focused that the boundaries aren't about HIM, but for YOU.

Remember that it's because you love yourself that you are setting them.

Remember that you are asking for space because you DO love your H and your marriage.

Be Kind and Loving.. but firm.

((( )))
_________________________
M(f): 31
XW: 33
M: 5
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.

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#2234421 - 03/30/12 01:06 PM Re: Moving right along [Re: chatterbug]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4481
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
Hi AL. I am going to offer another bit of advice to go along with the communication.

You gotta stop the pity parties.

You gotta really start using the 'Fake it until you make it'

When you have these short conversations. You gotta portray who you really are. And that is a woman. A wonderful woman. A wonderful mother. One who has some scars but one who is going to make it no matter the outcome. You are a good honest nice person. Remember who you are. And start to communicate as yourself again. Practice this with everyone you know. Remember what it was like to be happy. Practice it. Show it outwardly.

The next time he comes at you with the I am down in the dumps. Smile and say " Yes, I agree. I can see that your really down in the dumps."
Then carry on about your day. Because you just validated Mr. AL and did not push. Did not chase. You showed confidence. You were a decent human being. You were nice.

And do not forget to smile. Spring is in the air.




whistle whistle whistle whistle
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2234423 - 03/30/12 01:08 PM Re: Moving right along [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4481
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Autumn Leaves
I am absolutely smiling, and very much enjoying this great weather smile

Fake it till you make it has always been what I've told others in tough situations, and I am taking that advice as well.

The past few days I have really been really enjoying my boys. We have had some really good times. I had dinner with just S15 last night and we had such great conversations. I truly LIKE these young men in addition to loving them.

I am taking myself shopping today for a new blouse and new pair of shoes, and that always makes me feel good. I have an event that I need them for and really looking forward to getting dressed up smile

Thank you for taking the time to write that out chatterbug. I absolutely know where you are coming from and needed to read that. I am a nice, honest, intelligent woman and plan to spend some time working on her again. I have a lot to offer and friends who truly appreciate me. I've started making some fun plans for the coming months, and actually feeling pretty excited about it.



btw, this ^^^ . . . is all VERY ATTRACTIVE. Your husband -- and other men -- will notice this "vibe" you're giving off.

Be prepared this time. wink grin


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2234440 - 03/30/12 02:24 PM Re: Moving right along [Re: Starsky309]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
I would also like to recommend. That you get in-touch with some girlfriends. And arrange to meet up and have a nice evening together. Could be a movie and coffee and desert afterwards. If no-one is available. Grab the laptop or a good book and go hit the coffee shop yourself for some peace and quiet. Plan it out for one night next week. Let the boys know your busy that night so they will have to fend for themselves for dinner. Then go out that night.

Take the time to prepare yourself for going out. Enjoy the whole experience. A self date night.

Then work this into your routine. Doing something for yourself.

Enjoy your friends. And enjoy your own company.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2235107 - 04/03/12 11:02 AM Re: Moving right along [Re: Autumn Leaves]
Starsky309 Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 4481
Loc: Florida
Hey Autumn, how about an update? How are things going for you?


Starsky
_________________________
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2235134 - 04/03/12 12:49 PM Re: Moving right along [Re: Starsky309]
mindfull Offline
Member

Registered: 11/27/08
Posts: 3975
Come on friend!!! I keep checking in from vacation... We need an update. smile
_________________________
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

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