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everyone:

i feel a bit overwhelmed right now with reading all that has been written here during this discussion - they are heartbreaking for me - there is so much bravery here on this board, but also so much pain and at the same time incredible hope and wonder which makes my heart open even more.

labug:
the realization that in my case H wasn't leaving as a personal attack at me, he was doing it to save himself. To get away from the hurting.

i'm finally getting there myself labug - right from the beginning h said to me"i'm not doing this to you, i'm just doing this" now i'm starting to get it

as for the her's journey - yes, yes, i feel like the warrior - in fact that was what i dressed as for halloween (in between weeping profusely) - but warriors have a soft spot too, and they can weep and still be brave:)


dear ces - morning confessions are the best aren't they? (big grin)

[b]Looking back, my biggest mistake in how I handled it that I saw it as so long ago that I just wanted it to be over and didn't effectively allow her time to heal. I wanted forgiven and I wanted it now[/b]

this really stood out for me - big time - did you notice what you wrote? it is HUGE in our situations - we ALL want this right now from our WAS's. it sort of hit me like a brick - oh my gosh , in spite of all the 37 rules, this is the crux of what we are all struggling with

i hope you don't mind but i am going to copy it and use it at the end of my posts to remind me everyday, that i have to allow this man i love time to heal, and the same time for myself


I'll probably worry about what judgements may be placed upon me by those that read this but I at least I can recognize it now and mentally let myself know that my mistakes are in the past and looking forward is the best choice I can make now.

no judgements - ever! i think it's the judgemental attitude that got us ALL - including the WAS's into this situation. so rest easy - the greatest gift we can give ourselves and the people we love is self-awareness. each time i see something in myself that i become aware of that can be changed towards me being a better person, is a huge gift i give myself and the people i love..
we all need to celebrate eachof these "confessions" don't you think?


sayitaintso:
I am awake now and it may be too late to R w/ my WAW but not too late to learn from my mistakes.

i agree and find myself thinking that alot lately - part of the acceptance thing?
SOOOO hard to reconcile with that idea though - we all of us want so much to be exonerated

purgatory
But we had to loose everything to do so. I actually thanked my H the other night for leaving me because it forced me to look inwards and to the hard work to fix myself so I could be a better mom and feel better about myself again.

how did he react to that?

and what you said about being lazy - oh gosh i am so guilty about the same.

rick:
thanks for what you wrote. after i posted the reply to you, i was sure that there would be silence - i had written too much, i was complaining etc etc, and then i read all the responses and was genuinely surprised and so deeply touched - in my oh so fragile mind i was so sure that i had just dumped my own stuff, and couldn't even begin to think that it might help anyone else. and that's when i realized what a hit my self-esteem has taken during this sitch. so ,in some ironic way, it gave me some confidence that maybe some good can come out of all this in some small way

All these stories, though different are the same, we are a group of people that needed to wake up and grow and dammit, here's the opportunity.

and dammit YES here it really is, and yippee yay that we are all being squeezed and prodded and pushed through it and in spite of it's awfulness, i realize i wouldn't have it any other way - well maybe a little bit softer

love and light to all of us

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Thanks Zig - been on a sitar kick on youtube lately...Anoushka Shankir!

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A friend gave me some Dvice this morning. He mentioned that in his marriage he often discounted the good things to focus on the bad.

I know that i've been as bad as a politician about flip-flopping on this t-shirt and picture thing. But here are some positives for the week:

W txt me ou of the blue to thank me for cleaning her car. Saids she "loves" driving a clean car.
W took the time to fold all my laundry for me. She often leaves stuff for me to finish if she doesn't like a particular task
W didn't fuss when I took son to church even though she had other plans for dinner. I even offered to stay home and fix dinner because she said she didn't feel well (I asked because she sounded lousy). She was cooperative and encouraged me to take s.
Before bed I cleaned up the kitchen since w had been in bed all day. Figured it would make getting the kids ready in the morning easier. She saw me and said she would have taken care of it in the morning. I explained my reason for helping while still working. Recently she would have huffed away as if I had insulted her abilities. Tonight I got another thank you.

Still may ask her to take it all out of my sight but at this point I'd rather reinforce the positives.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Good to see some positives occurring in your sitch. They help to keep you centered when the negatives surface.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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ces, how are things going?? Have you figured out 101 ways to use the shirt yet? smile


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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It's actually been a decent week. W and I had some general conversation lt night about our taxes, a claim on our roof and plans for the family this weekend.

Since I started my new job we are going to celebrate this weekend. So tomorrow I am taking the family to see my new office. Then we are going to go drive do some go-kart racing and then a quick bite to eat. Should be a fun day.

W has been nicer this week than typical. Just little things. Several "thank you's" where there are typically none. And less combatative in general. Not sure what is causing it but I will keep up the acts of service stuff and see how it plays out over the next few weeks.

W has another trip planned to our old home the 3rd week of April to work with her friend. I hope to have lots of fun between now and then. Also kids are staying with me so I plan to make it so she is missing out on a lot and have tons of fun with the kids.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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Posts: 156
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Those thank yous can be a good sign. So far in my sitch, the show of appreciation for the little things has been enough to keep me doing whatever it is I got thanked for. It's giving me time to develop new habits that are in beneficial in general.

If she's reciprocating by doing little things for you (like folding the laundry), it may not mean anything, BUT it at least shows that there's some consideration of you on her part. Baby steps, friend, baby steps.


Me: 31
W: 28
M: almost 6
T: 10.5
S2
Bomb#1: 05/11
Bomb#2: 11/11
S'd: 11/28/11
Moved back in: 12/28/11
MC: 06/28/12

...what is it about the 28th day of the month?
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Agree with Tenbears ^^^^^ baby steps!

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Love baby steps.


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S:12
D:8
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Nothing major tonight. We ordered pizza and wings for dinner. As usual, s13 has plenty of friends over. They finish the pizza off for us.

At one point w and I are left at the dinner table with just us as kids have left to play. It just felt so weird. I made some brief small talk but I make a point not to go to any touchy topics. W spends the evening sewing and talking to her foster-mom on the phone. I hang out in the other room reading and checking out what's available on our free Netflix trial.

Now s13 and I are watching myth busters while w keeps sewing. I think tomorrow should be fun though.


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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