DBing while settling finances

[25yearsmlc]

here is a short piece on Detachment. There are other pieces on this site. It is not specific,

but if you GAL and bear these principles in mind it may help..

here it is.


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.

Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.

We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.

On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal.

It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back." It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act.

I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."


good luck!

[needgrace]

Thank you 25. I am using some of the words above as a mantra today, "I am responsible for my own happiness. I can not control anyone else, I can only control how I respond to them."

Dark as these days have been, they have also been a time of growth (funny how that goes together.)

I have been reading a great deal of Buddhist philosophy. One of my favorites in Pema Chodron and this is a quote of hers that I cherish now,

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
― Pema Chödrön

I went through some loss in my 20's (both parents died within a year of each other) and after that I moved cross country and isolated myself by throwing myself into my career as a way to avoid caring for anyone and taking the risk of more loss. This situation has awakened that fear and I am starting to realize how it still holds me back from loving myself, others and my life more fully.

What a strange journey this is.

Thanks again for your support 25 and for helping me grow.

[stillhopin]

Hi ng, your situation is so similar to mine. The list of 37 is a so right on and helps every time I read it. Keep it handy in multiple places.

Backslides. It happens to us all. Forgive yourself, recognize the mistake and look forward.

Fixing. I too am a fixer. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. It was a horrible eye-opening, fetal-position, full on crying moment when it all came crashing on me. Then once I knew, I was so fearful I'd never have an opportunity to correct the action. It happens almost daily, so no fears any more there. I recognize now immediately when i'm about to do it, and am able to let people be who they are. It's a good feeling, and a few weeks after acknowledging and consciously doing something about it my W even remarked about changes in me. Another thing to forgive yourself for and move ahead.

As you focus on yourself, she'll notice the changes. The roller coaster is extremely difficult, but having someplace to lean on is the best for dealing with it.

Good luck, and here's to feeling stronger, even just a tiny bit, everyday.

[Cadet]

Fixing. I too am a fixer.

Just to be perfectly clear, most LBS are FIXERS so join the club.
If you took a poll on these forums you would NOT find too many people who are not FIXERS.

Now that we are clear on that, most all of us need to 180 that behavior.

Hope that helps.

[needgrace]

Hi sh, I read your posts (so similar!) and am wishing the best for you in your situation too. how are you doing?? thank you for your support, it really helps to not feel so alone in this and to learn from all the wise people here. i will remember your words about letting people be who they are..

i have not heard from my W in a few days and it feels as if she is just running away without a backwards glance... i am not contacting her and trying to trust the process. i had a nightmare last night that she was dating someone else..ouch.

i have a lot of growing to do, i realize now how i lost myself in the relationship and my ability to make myself happy. i am sure that was not attractive to my W either. i think she lost herself too and thinks that she can't be together and be herself.

i am getting stronger though, i did not think i could make it through this and i am doing it, surviving...and hopefully, on my way to thriving.

please let me know how you are, sh, and i am still hoping with you, for you!

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you 25. I am using some of the words above as a mantra today, "I am responsible for my own happiness. I can not control anyone else, I can only control how I respond to them."

Dark as these days have been, they have also been a time of growth (funny how that goes together.)


Boy I hear you there. I wish we could "learn life lessons" from winning the lottery...

alas it seems the way to real growth or meaningful lasting change, is usually accompanied by a lousy event.


I have been reading a great deal of Buddhist philosophy. One of my favorites in Pema Chodron and this is a quote of hers that I cherish now,

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”
― Pema Chödrön

I like that^^ too. You might also like "The Power of Now". I actually preferred the audio version which is weird. But his voice is so soothing...then again, don't listen to it while driving b/c you could nod off.


I went through some loss in my 20's (both parents died within a year of each other) and after that I moved cross country and isolated myself by throwing myself into my career as a way to avoid caring for anyone and taking the risk of more loss. This situation has awakened that fear and I am starting to realize how it still holds me back from loving myself, others and my life more fully.

wow that is a big amount of loss. Do you have siblings? Are you seeing a T to deal with this^^? And while I can see the connection between moving away (geographic cure and "starting fresh")

I'm not clear on the avoidance of love/connection to their deaths or your move. So You do love your spouse...or what?

Are you saying you withheld from fully loving, as a means of protecting yourself from being hurt,

but now find you are bringing about the very thing you feared (i.e., abandonment)?

You might be surprised at how often this happens.


What a strange journey this is.

Thanks again for your support 25 and for helping me grow.

you are very welcome.

The "upside" to really digging in and working this DB program, regardless of martial outcome, is the growth in communication, boundaries, and an inner sense of peace that can come only from an inward journey.

Keep posting!

[needgrace]

Wow.. tough night.

I was trying to GAL and met a good friend for drinks at a local wine bar and we were sitting at a front table. I live in a decent size city so this was a shocker.... my W walks by outside with two other women, one of which is the woman she told me she started having feelings for when she pulled the plug on trying to work things out with me recently.

She saw us there.

This hurts...

[Cadet]

Get back to detachment.

Yes of course that would hurt.
I suggest you re-read the going dark articles and anything else about detachment that you can find.

[needgrace]

Thanks Cadet! I read the going dark section again and really liked this part by Sparky:

"One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.

And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or [censored]. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.

As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.

If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.

And you can't keep looking over to see if they are done yet. It's suffocating. Instead, this is your chance to learn new things. Walk around in your feelings and see what is unhealed in you that makes it so easy for you to feel crazy about this crappy situation in which you find yourself."

I did not end up feeling as badly as I expected last night. I felt better after I vented on here and I went to bed. I think that detachment is starting to sink in and I believe that going dark is the best choice for now.

Thanks again Cadet. I am so very grateful for you.

[Valeska19]

I'm sorry you are here NG. You're sitch is very new and there is no easy way to sugar coat it... it's gonna sukk for awhile.

I do not think it's impossible to DB whilst going through the divorce process.. it's definitely hard because the likelyhood of your w responding in a positive way most likely won't happen... until it's over....

... which is very draining when you are watching your life crumble in front of you.

However if you can stay focused on YOUR changes and how YOU want to act in the outcome.. you will come out the otherside.. better than before.

I promised that I would honor my vows until the very end. My w spewed venom and confusion, she has taken money, tried to kick me off of her insurance. She has cried, yelled, baited, guilted.. you name it.

But I refuse to retaliate. I refuse to take my pain and anger and express it.

Does my w see it? I don't know... I don't care. It's more about me. About who I want to be.

Who do you want to be in this process. When it's over - who is woman staring back at you in the mirror?

Will it be a woman you can be proud of?
Will it be someone who "loved" to the best of her ability?
Will it be a woman only a fool would leave?