I didn't see it coming part 2

[adinva]

nice!

[breakdownbill]

Cheers Adinva!!

Yesterday was my first day of freedom since I finished UNI - yay no more assignments - well until Sept when I start my teacher training. Major relief and its been both a blessing and a pain while dealing with my sitch and my growth.

I had a pretty productive day, in the morning I went into the attic and brought down all of the bags of clothes that are either too small or too big for the four of us and sorted through some of my clothes. There must have been close to 30 bin bags full of clothes, my W thought I was going to dump them or give them to a charity shoup, but a new store had opened that buys clothes by the kilo. So I took them there and ended up getting £70 which is just over $100 :-) when I gave the money to my W and said how I got it, she was really happy, because things are tight at the moment. So - score on my mornings work.

When I got back W had made plans to go to the park with her mum and dad and the kids - no invite for me (getting used to it now). So I went to the store and got some pizzas for dinner and tidied up the whole downstairs, hoovered and mopped. So when they come back it looked great, to relax and have a nice Saturday night in together as a family.

I'm just going to keep working hard and being nice and having fun with the kids. I still feel a lot of resentment from my W, which I try to validate, although most of the time it is just expressed by her out of spite, and I have to bite my lip because she's being a little b*@*h! My expectations are very,very low about anything positive happening between us soon, but I'm not gonna let that get me down. I'm trying real hard, so we can stay together as a family, but I'm not going to plead if my W brings up R conversation and wants to separate (one of us leaves).

I think in the short term unless something happens beforehand, this holiday to Florida in 3 weeks is going to help determine what's gonna happen next in our sitch.
2 weeks, spent together as a family having fun and I guess there will be plenty of opportunities for my W to bring up R talk there as well.

I think the big plus point for the way I feel right now, is that I'm not fearing these conversations or the outcome. My W isn't my life, she's a part of it, the rest of my life is going great now and whatever happens I'll get through it, just like so many of you guys have done.

Everything in life that is worth working for, means more and is worth the pain for the joy of happiness and fulfillment.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Journal Entry

Yesterday I was taking the kids to the park & then round to my Mums for a couple of hours & my W was going out with her Mum & Dad to get some new shoes for work. The day before I had tidied up & my W couldn't find one of her shoes, she was really snappy & short, just being a spoilt little brat.

That money I made sorting the clothes out, she took it with her to get shoes, so no ice cream money for us. But I thought it doesn't matter, we'll go to my Mum's and they can have ice cream there. When W was saying bye to the kids in the car my little girl was asking why we couldn't get ice cream at the park, I just said money's tight kids, we'll get one at Nan's. My W then says if you want money just ask. She said it really horrible and to try & make me feel small. So I thought enough is enough of this crap and said, we don't need any money and don't speak to me like that again, and gave her a don't mess with me stare. She slammed the door & off we went in our separate directions.

20 minutes later I get a text message of her appologizing for how she behaved and spoke to me. Wow!! that was a big freaking deal for me, her apologizing for something & apologizing first when we'd had an argument. She was being a turd & I stood up for myself & called her on it, i wasn't nasty or anything, just really firm.

I also think that the penny has dropped for me, I need to stand up for myself more often & not let this sort of stuff slide all the time. My W showed me more respect last night & was much more outgoing & nicer = what sandi2 & Adinva & YC have been saying, be strong and confident, not weak & a push over.

By the way, I have been really good on the ML front, because I wanted to make sure that my W wasn't just appeasing me with sex. I haven't initiated anything & we haven't ML for nearly a month. A lot of that though has been because of the ridiculously late nights doing UNI work. The flirting was there last night, from both sides, but I'm not going to push it, it'll happen on it's own soon enough (hopefully tonight though.. a month without ML is too long!! LOL) ;-)


Bill

[YankeeCandle]

Hi Bill,

I know it's been a few days since this post, but I would like to add something (if it hasn't already been said).

Your wife sounds like me on a bad day - when PMS and hormones are involved. You did the right thing IMO in supporting her and being quite kind and generous. It's tough having hormones I can tell you that! Even if she pushed you away a bit, don't take it personally. She will remember that you made an effort.

It's really tough when hormones are raging - there is little control it seems. Mind you, for my personal situation - I have done so much to get myself under control but it's still hard work.

I don't know if this was the case during that time - I hope it was!

If not, then yes, she has been doing a lot of thinking - which is a good thing in itself.

[YankeeCandle]

And yet, on the last post you made here, you also did the right thing. You reminded her of your boundaries, and that is very important! Not only for you, but for her as well. People like knowing where they stand with others. So, good one!! You seem to be really hitting the nail on the head here, time and again.

[breakdownbill]

Hey thanks Yankee

I think in general I'm just so much more self aware about how my actions and interactions impact others (especially my W), that I've been paying attention to what works & of the desired outcomes of these actions / interactions.

I don't feel like I've got any anxiety about a timeline or a desire to be told where I stand if we have an R talk, I just feel at peace with myself right now.

I'm really happy at how I've just owned my grief and relationship issues alongside the stress of finishing a degree. Nothing is forced, it's just natural, I've changed and I really like who I am now, but I'm not going to become complacent and will keep on growing.

A few weeks ago I was taking in my IC session about how this upcoming holiday is going to be make or break / decide some things. Whereas now, I'm just looking forward to this holiday & can't wait to see my kids happy little faces in the theme parks. If stuff happens between me & my W or we discuss our R - then we do. It's not on my agenda, I'm giving my W as much time and space as she needs. When she's ready to discuss anything, I'll still be ready.

I feel that me and my W are getting closer emotionally, these past couple of weeks, which is great and I can really sense a genuine warmth again when she's in the house. Not necessarily always towards me, but the way she is with the kids again. It feels like we are a family again, although we are a long way of being a couple, it does feel nice being a family again.

I think that's one of the most important things I've learned since the bomb and my journey, just how much family (my W & kids) means to me.

I'm still chipping away at me, gotta long way to go, but I'm happy with how things are going. I still hope for getting back together with my W, but I certainly don't expect it in anyway. As long as I keep doing my best and be open to the possibility of a R, then I'll be able to hold my head up, knowing I gave it my best shot.

Bill

[YankeeCandle]

Inspiring!

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Yankee

Need to Journal today...

Anniversary

30th May (today) Our 9th wedding anniversary. I went over in my head what to do about this & didn't want to go over the top, so I decided on getting a nice personalised card (funky pigeon). I really felt the need to acknowledge the date, but not go overboard - I don't really feel like celebrating the worst year of our marraige either - but (for better or worse and all that - in for the long haul). I'm just going to make a nice dinner & leave it at that.

My W didn't get me a card & just said 'I didn't think we were doing anything this year'. I'm actually fine with her not getting me a card, I really did just want to acknowledge the date.

Woohoo

Sunday - was a good day. Myself, W & kids went round to MIL's for a BBQ. We all had fun & had quite a few beers in the garden. That night me & W broke the unspoken sex ban & didn't do much sleeping (boy was it needed!!).

Last night me & W having fun, enjoying each others company watching TV & playing games with each other on our phones - silly stuff - but it was really cool to just hang out.


Me Stuff

Had a great day yesterday - got my grade back for my dissertation & got a 1st!! - just 2 more marks & then I'll know what degree class I have got. So happy considering I could barely put a sentence together for 2 months after the bomb.

Had my last IC session yesterday & my counsellor was saying that he couldn't get over how I'd changed over the last 8 weeks & that I was so much more assertive, self aware & happy now. I do feel all these things but it's always nice to hear it from someone else.

9 days until Florida!!!

Lots to be happy about - I'll keep you posted on how the rest of the anniversary goes.

No expectations, No pressure, just a home cooked family dinner at home.

Bill

[YankeeCandle]

Hi Bill - Good on you that you did what you wanted without expectations!! This is something I'm learning to do too.

And, that your W didn't get you a card is - as you say - fine. I can pretty much assure you she felt a bit bad about it, particularly when you presented her with one. Hopefully, it will be back on track for next year's celebration.

I totally agree with you counsellor that you have become an assertive, positive person - and this is clearly the change your marriage needed of you to get yourselves to the next level. You deserve the rewards

And finally, congratulations on your 1st! You have seriously bounced back and gone on to be better and stronger. Congratulations!

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Yankee, I felt good that I acknowledged the date. It was a nice card, no more, no less. I kind of expected my W to not get me a card & that's OK, because it's a reality check for me that things are a long way from being what I one day hope for again.

Speaking of reality checks, lately our interactions have been really good, we've been getting on really well making each other laugh and it's been great. Today my W went out shopping for some holiday clothes and got me a few tops she thought I would like. I was really happy about this & the tops were great, not reading anything into it, other than it being a nice gesture.

This past Sunday it was my W's Nan's 80th birthday & we had a surprise party for her at my MIL's. The party was great except for one awkward moment, when W's auntie noticed my W wasn't wearing her wedding & engagement rings. I was sitting right next to my W and she just shook her head and said just aren't, her auntie pressed her by asking why and she just said nothing and looked away. This made me feel uncomfortable, like a fraud, like I didn't matter. It also made me realise, that although we have made some baby steps together and haven't had a R talk in months, her actions in that interaction showed me that she still is either not ready or has no desire to stand up for our M. I let it go & never brought it up afterwards, no point, we were both there & I know how her actions / in-actions made me feel.

My son is picking up on things not being right between us. Today when my W did her, 'Who's my best boy in the world.. I love you son bit' my son asked her outright why don't you ever say you love daddy, he's your husband you're supposed to love dad. We just looked at each other, I don't know who that hurt more, me or my W.

We are due to go to Florida on Friday morning, really can't wait to go, just going to enjoy myself with the kids & have fun with my W as well. This holiday isn't make or break for us, it's just a holiday, a much needed holiday at that.

The Anniversary, the questioning of the rings by an auntie and my son's observation are all indicators to me that although there has been some considerable improvements in communication between my W and I, there is a hell of a long way to go, either way on this journey for me.

Bill