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#2230876 - 03/15/12 04:11 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: barely floating]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Really Purg..the wonders of WAS mind...they're as bizarre as anything can get

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#2230890 - 03/15/12 05:00 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: rickb89]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/15/11
Posts: 836
Hi Purg,

I am sorry your H is acting so selfishly. I am going thru some custody drama as well and it's no fun.

The one thing that works in your advantage is time... Your H might be wanting this now, but as we know WAS change their minds on a daily basis. And a year from now, who knows where we will all be...

So try not to give too much weight into it now. Besides, there is nothing you can do about it (or him) right now.
I know it sounds simplistic and I think the jist of this sitch is just how hurt you are feeling about your H's selfishness. Just when you think a WAS cannot do or say anything more hurtful than what they have so far, another thing comes out of their mouths. At least that is how I feel many times.

So hang in there and focus on what you can control now. Heck, isn't our daily life challenging enough already to be worrying about what happens a year from now?
(If you don't believe this, just think about where your life was a year ago.)

((((hugs))))
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D7, D5, S3
Together: 20y, M: 16y
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
Finally got D proposal on 9/14
H is still with OW - 10/14






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#2230907 - 03/15/12 05:59 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: purgatory]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10725
Loc: west coast
Originally Posted By: purgatory
Real quick.... In my H's defense (very, very small defense)

When he said that he wanted primary custody for a year when he gets back, his reasons were because *I* (as in me, Purg) deserve it because I will have been a single parent for a year, and he thinks it's only fair that *I be given some free time while he takes on the majority of responsibilities.


"fair" enough. 1) But why don't YOU see how YOU feel, in a year? And let's not predict what that will be, today.

2) Change nothing legally b/c you'll lose out financially there.



When I went back and re-read my post, I can see how it appeared that he was saying how *he* deserved it and that it was fair to him.... And apparently that's how everyone took it. Not that I'd saying his reasons are any more logical than before, just wanted to clarify.

Given that, I still think he's being selfish and rediculous!! I have. I have no intention on dignifying his ideas with a reasponse anytime soon!




Well why would you? HOW could you?

Hey I am Not sure the following is DBing, and not sure it isn't, but

you could offer him some "reassurances" that while he's gone,

you promise not to have OMs you might be seeing, meet the kids or play stepdad to them, unless/until h gets back, "OR it becomes more serious of a R"...

That way, you know, your h won't fear being replaced while he's away.

(Oh wait, being replaced is what he was planning to do to you w/your ex bf)

I don't mean that to sting as much as it may, but it is sort of his la la land perspective where HE gets to do whatever he wants b/c he's owed b/c you mistreated him way back when...

Hey Purg, Don't give him all your power.

And all is not lost, of course he can and will change his mind, on a lot.
And his heart will soften with your changes, it already has in some ways.

Regardless of any OM discussions you MIGHT have-
I do think he needs to fear losing you, whether he admits it or not.


Let your heart not be troubled, right now at least.

Enough on today's plate not to borrow trouble from tomorrow.

((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2231652 - 03/19/12 02:06 AM Re: The Space Between... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
Hey Purg, I was thinking of you today.

Hope all is well. I think you are doing well with a nutty situation.

I think 25's advice is right on the money. (Isn't it always?!)
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2231772 - 03/19/12 04:58 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: WenikiTiki]
Jenna333 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 322
Hey Pur. I can't believe that taking primary custody of the kids sounds logical to him. He's really in la-la land. I would definitely NOT go for that. EVER. Unless I absolutely had to.

You are detaching, I can tell smile You kinda have to if you want to preserve your own sanity and not lose it like the WAS.
_________________________
M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done

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#2231939 - 03/20/12 02:24 AM Re: The Space Between... [Re: Jenna333]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Hi Purg. Nothing brilliant to add here (no suprise huh?). Just saying hello. You're doing so well. Proud of you!

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#2231960 - 03/20/12 03:53 AM Re: The Space Between... [Re: rickb89]
keep_going Offline
Member

Registered: 06/15/11
Posts: 836
Purg - Hope you are doing well. Just checking in...
_________________________
Me & H: 43
D7, D5, S3
Together: 20y, M: 16y
EA: 11/13/10
ILYBNILWY & Sep: 12/23/10
EA becomes PA: Spring 2011
H filed for D: 09/06/12
Finally got D proposal on 9/14
H is still with OW - 10/14






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#2231993 - 03/20/12 10:54 AM Re: The Space Between... [Re: keep_going]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10725
Loc: west coast
ditto^^^

hey check out Keep Going's thread for some inspiring words...dang, she's a quick study like you. Hope all is well...or well enough.

cool

(((( ))))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2231997 - 03/20/12 11:48 AM Re: The Space Between... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10725
Loc: west coast
Purg

can you arrange a short trip to the beach or camping for YOUR family? You know, the boys, their parents and...no one else?

If not, then try to include h in "game night" or "kid night" which we did on Friday nights once they reached the age of TV or talking. Before 3. It made them feel special and was easier on US b/c we worked full time in long hour jobs..so we didn't have to cook and we all got together on the sofa bed and opened it up.

Friday nights we ordered pizza (occasionally McDonald's...hey, it was THEIR night to choose and at least they didn't pick at it) ) and there in the open sofa bed we all watched Kid movies of their choice...w/minor influence of ours...

These days a lot of THOSE films are actually funny or cute enough for adults.

I still love Milo & Otis, Aladdin--- (I found that animation film w/Robin Williams in it SO hilarious -But then, i'd had a tooth pulled that day so, who knows?) & Toy Story, Rango, evidently The Lorax, etc....and well,

you will all BOND as a family unit...and build on those bonds, layer by layer,

without expectation/request for more, without stares of need.

Just GIVE or SEND out inner calm, love and kindness and warmth.

If he seems to feel pressured or awkward or says "this is meaningless, don't get your hopes up"

I won't get my hopes up but hey, "these 'moments' are not meaningless, they're cherished family times, even if the family times will end soon. The boys and I find meaning in them

but don't worry h, this is NOT meant to be a night of pressure- but the exact opposite! So let's be here in the present and just help them feel safe and loved...okay?

And then give him more space or limit it to "1 kid night/game night" or whatever works for YOU. It's only how many more weeks til he's gone????

These are memories you are MAKING so your oldest boy will have some of you as a family...maybe little bro will have some images of warmth and family too, and your h will too....

Giving him something to miss is NOT a bad idea. No downside to it sweetie.


Don't stoke any angry fires of his, or fuel ANY of his negative justifications. Let those fires be UNfueled so they can die out. And then his feelings of love can resurface.

I believe it's possible to turn this around, maybe even 50/50 if he sees real change in YOU and the way the boys and you act around him...

(and don't carp at them in front of ANYONE who might tell your h..Keep the neighbors UNinformed about you losing it, IF it happens).

Keep low key expectations for these fun times, it's "all about the kids in limited time left" but as much as possible, have compartmentalized time for just you 4. Or close friends YOU trust.

YOU don't have to sit right next to him or act romantic--=pursuit.

Look/smell good and be warmly receptive to him, without being forward.

. Just dress well, be WARM (okay, be HOT) and have peace in the home.

(***Remember that marriage study of what spouses most value in their partners?****)

Husbands said they most prized the 1) attractiveness of their mates AND

2) peace in the home (no fighting/nagging/criticizing)

They all seem to like feeling admired, but then the rest of it varies more & goes to their particular love languages.


Wives said most prized in their husbands was Security (=financial, i.e., can he provide for you and babies? and physical-do you feel safe with him? Do you know down deep he'd kill or die for you or the kids?

and 2) Fidelity. Meaning sexual and lacking in deceit.

If you honestly think you have failed in some of your goals as a partner, well FIRST, please just

JOIN THE HUMAN RACE b/c we ALL fail to meet SOME of those goals at some points... but second,

If you feel shame, Don't let your shame paralyze you. That stops growth.


Please read Autumn Leaves comments about EE. The sooner you go, the better for you to show him a whole new way of viewing your life's choices BEFORE he leaves.

Maybe what matters most to you in a h, is HIS RECOMMITTING and

in you, would be your ability to lose the anger and truly forgive

AND BE FORGIVEN...which is another challenge...

In sum,
Get those family nights/picnics/weekends or whatever YOU can create that is not pressure but IS memory creation for your family/kids/h.

Give your best efforts. He will back out of some of the plans b/c he'll feel pressured or controlled or confused OR challenged

he may think "geez, I told her I wanted a divorce...but she keeps on being kind and loving and calm with me AND the boys...weird..what gives?"

Confusing him is a great start. It leads to him changing his mind. Confusion is transition between views or choices...

and of course, keep up all the good work YOU have done on YOU.

cool
(((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2232134 - 03/20/12 07:28 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Purg - what 25 says ^^^ seems to make so much sense. You have no idea of any kind of future (with H) because of your sitch and the deployment. Regardless of H's pushing back or acting differently than you might hope for, it seems wise to create some family events and sitches that become part of your family history. That way your boys, you and your H have that as an option to choose when he comes back. He'll see that that is there as a way of life if he wants it. Given the sitch and that he is deploying that's probably the most you can do from a practical point of view.

One of the things I like about 25's advise is that it usually offers real concrete actions that can be taken to clear the road home. Kind of the like the Martha Stewart of DB'ing. Use everything around you to create something good.

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