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Hi Golf Mom,

I am so sorry to hear this has happened. Be grateful he had the courage to tell you what he did and the papers would be served to you. My stbx acted like my best friend I hadn't seen in years, even slept with me once and didn't even tell me the papers were coming, which he knew for 2 months they were coming. His excuse? Well he filed in the heat of the moment!

Yes this is a very long process. I think it's encouraging that he's said you can always withdraw the papers if he changes his mind and you're receptive. He's probably just trying to strike while the iron is hot, so to say, or WHILE HE STILL HAS HIS NERVE TO DO SO.

What he said is confusing but I would say typical projection... don't screw him because he wants what's best for you and the boys? What does he consider best for you and the boys? Is that a threat of some sort? If you don't cooperate he won't cooperate back? I don't like that statement he said.

Remember...he wants this divorce. And when there's divorce there are always consequences, and it's not a bed of roses for the WAS once they really get into the REALITY OF DIVORCE. I would stand firm in what you're entitled to by LAW..... spousal support for starters. This is where they can start to lose their minds and mega spew will come hurtling at you 100 mph. Especially when you stand your ground and your voice be heard with a good attorney that will back you up.

I look at Divorce differently now. The actual act of Divorce is a legal unbinding you from another person, to a certain extent, yet a legal business contract that mainly re binds you financially when child support and spousal support is considered. The actual RELATIONSHIP between two people during and post divorce is a whole new ball of wax.

Miracles happen every day and I firmly believe in them. The thing is, miracles happen in their own time, not ours. Sometimes the miracles we want or think we want aren't the ones we really need. Or we get what we pray for but we overlook some serious reality and reprecussions on the way too. I know every miracle I've seriously prayed for with my husband and family has actually come to fruition, but just NEVER in the way I thought it would be or wanted it to be.

I prayed for the oppurtunity for my husband and I to find ourselves and our happiness, and our way back to one another someday. I sure as hell didn't think it would end up through this though. Right now we're on our paths to find ourselves and happiness. It leading back to one another and stopping the divorce is not going to happen in my case.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Golf Mom,
This is very typical lanaguage of a mlcer. Don't trust one word that comes out of his mouth. Run, do not walk to your lawyer and have him/her draw up the paperwork as soon as possible concerning the house.

As for the comment about you screwing him over...I hate to say this, but he said that so that you will play nice during the proceedings. GM, you can't play nice now that he's tossed the gauntlet down. It is no longer a "martial relationship", but a "business relationship". You will need to ensure that you get everything that you and your children are entitled to. Do not accept smaller child support payments, do not agree to take on all of the joint debt. Any debt that he incurred, he will be responsible for. Also, set your boundaries early for visitation and stick to them. Any changes to the schedule should be discussed at least 2-3 days in advance, not last minute. One of the things that they like to do is just walk into your residence, don't allow this. Have him knock or ring the bell as this is now your home, not his.

GM, it's going to get worse before it gets better and that's why we are all here to support you. You are going to have to develop a very thick skin because he's going to say and do things that you never imagined. Why? Because once your lawyer begins advising/protecting you, your h is not going to be happy w/the consequences of his actions. Money is the key and when it hits them that they have to dish out a lot of money, they get ugly. Money is a status symbol to them and they want to keep it all and not share it w/you or the children. Do not expect him to own up to his responsibilities and above all else, keep your expectations a zero. This man is no longer your friend right now.

Hang in there. We are here to support you any way that we can.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Golf Mom and Snodderly!

Im just right behind you in posts agreeing with everything..LOl.

Golf Mom, Snodderly is right on target. I know this because I just went through all of it in regards to divorce.

Everything she said is true. One thing I strongly agree with is get that visitation schedule and boundaries down and stick to them. I didn't do that at first and it cause me more frustration and issues down the road.

Think of it this way. If divorce is what he wants, then fine! GAME ON! But you're sticking to the rules, and your attorney is there to back you up all the way.

Honestly I think the MLCer needs this to wake up a bit to reality. I think it woke mine up a bit.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
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Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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Thank you for all of the advice and wisdom. I must sound like a broken record, but I'm really having a hard time accepting that this is my life. Ironically, my husband doesn't seem to care about the money. He actually has offered to pay more than required by law. Yet one of the reasons he said he has been so unhappy is due to our lack of money. So what do I make of that? I guess I was also hoping that once I was employed he would slow everything down and re-think his decision. I still don't know if there is someone else in the picture. He has denied that. When he left his first wife 25 years ago there was no OW. They were having financial trouble due to a job loss and he suddenly decided to leave her on Christmas Eve (he left me in December also). Their marriage was also good, except for the finances. In the last year he old me that our marriage was perfect except for the finances. He clearly has a money trigger, especially at Christmas time. I've seen it every year around the holidays. BTW, after his wife filed for divorce and he moved 3000 miles away he called her wanting to reconcile, but she said it was too late. I just don't get this. He's going to have very little money and between support payments and my new salary I'm going to be fine. So is money really a problem for him or an excuse for whatever else is going on between his ears?

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I found this article months ago and just re-read. I thought it was worth sharing.

http://www.thirdage.com/relationships-love/why-men-leave-what-every-woman-and-man-needs-to-know

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Is there somebody else in the picture? Who knows? Really doesn't matter though - he is trying to get you to play by his rules.
Lawyers will tell you to try and be friendly. That's good advice, but it takes two. Be friendly, but firm.

Based on what he said, you are clear to do what you need to do. He actually gave you permission! Be nice, but be firm.

If he doesn't like the agreement, he can choose to not agree to it. But if you let him influence your decisions, you will find later that he is very selfish and has no regard to you or your well-being.

Rule of thumb - don't commit to something that you'll later regret. Look past the here and now and look down the road. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

Remember always that this is what he wants. You must assume that he is not somebody you know nor can trust. You must assume he will manipulate you and later justify it in his mind (and to others) that you deserved it or were stupid or whatever.

Keep the emotion out of it. That's not easy, but it wasn't your choice in the first place. Don't play by his or anyone else's rules. You are in it to win it, so to speak.

He can pull the plug whenever he so chooses. Assuming you agree at the time if that happens. It likely won't and you have to operate with that in mind. At least, you would be well advised to take that approach.

He wants a divorce and you have no say in that. He feels guilt, but that will turn to anger (and may already have.)

Follow your lawyers advice and encourage your lawyer to go for as much as possible. Be alert to timing of issues. Tell your ex nothing about the conversations and let him find out from his lawyer what you are asking for. That's what he asked for and that's what he'll give to you regardless of how nice he is "acting" right now.

The act is sometimes just to make themselves feel better. In fact, if he continues to be angry (and he likely will) then you can use that. I suggest you do so.

Remember, you didn't ask for this. You won't win anything. You are trying to get what you are entitled do because of his decisions.

He will spew, blame, etc. He'll do that to everyone but himself. Stand firm, GM. Who knows? It might get him to wake up to what he's doing and you can always give something back later if you feel like it and agree to it smile

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Hi GM

The others are right, divorce needs to be a contract, a business
The MLCer is no longer the person we knew and lived with..
They will get mad during the process, Mine did
This D seemed like it came fairly fast, so you have not had much time to deal with it
Just remember to take care of yourself.. eat, sleep, rest, talk to trusted people..it helps to have support or a therapist to guide us ect..
Most of us have come through it well and probably much better than be4
Do not trust him anymore..he is a different man..seems weird but they change in an instant into a total stranger
do not belive anything he says w
some times we get glimples of the old H,and it gets confusing, but they are glimpses only..it is a long journet and last a long time for most
Keep posting and good luck with the job
Peace
It is a long journey and we need to take care of oursleves


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Hey Golf Mom,
I wanted to thank you for posting that link. I went to it and that's something I really needed to hear.

I have Jed Diamonds Irritable Male Syndrome book. He went through Irritable Male Syndrome and it caused some big problems in his marriage. And he's a psychologist!

This really helps me to understand where things did start to go wrong in my marriage, and it's just as I suspected. He started feeling very neglected and abandoned when my attention got diverted away from him.


M=42 XH=44
M=18 T=21
D14 D11
Divorced 4/2012
XH marries OW 6/2014.
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I spent the day planting flowers, sprucing up the front porch and, in general, nesting in my house. Thinking that I was going to have to move was traumatic for me. It's nice feeling attached to my house and, once again, breathing life into it. I've always enjoyed creating a nice home for my family and was missing it. I'm really going to focus on my life with my boys and not on the pending divorce. It's definitely a sad time, but I don't want to waste any more of my days wondering what happened and what, if anything, I could have done differently. That's what my H should be doing while he sits in his little studio apartment without his family.

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This afternoon I feel full of rage. I am so pissed that my H ever thought is was ok to just up and leave us without any plans in place. Dealing with the trauma of this is hard enough, but I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything that's on my plate. It's not that I can't do all of this on my own, but when you commit to having children you don't get to just decide to leave them one day.

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