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Originally Posted By: Starsky309

The #1 advice I got, by the way, was "In every situation, don't worry about what your wife will think or how she will react, or anyone else for that matter. Instead, simply DO THE RIGHT THING. Ask yourself 'What is The Right Thing to Do in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would tell me to do, if He were standing right in front of me right now?' "
Starsky


Autumn... I think I told you this on the phone, but... I have PAGES of times when I just plain did the RIGHT THING, and didn't worry about his reaction/the other person/situations reaction would be...

Checks show up out of nowhere! The right house was listed at the right time! I earned a commission in JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT to cover something I was in angst about! My friend pitched in w/an offer to handle boys (when I felt uncomfortable w/them being w/Dad) and didn't even know what she was offering!

Literally goes on and on and on...

Remember those pieces of advice!


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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I tried to post this in your other thread but it was locked... IT would have arrived before your first post in this

Also remember. When they go at you over little things. And try to get you on your edge. Perhaps get you off your thoughts. It is obfuscation. So do not get sucked into it.

If you observe. You will figure out the pattern.

I am not reading minds. But traditionally this will pick up as you continue to work on your legal goals.

The arguments will be vague and about feelings and opinions and spoken in a manor to make you second guess.

The best way to counter this.

Do not get sucked in. Walk away.

Think of the big picture.

And when you waver. Put a picture in your mind of respect. Think what you should be receiving. And remain quiet.

You will see that he will attempt to fill the void with ramblings.

Which will lead to ....

Also remember. When they go at you over little things. And try to get you on your edge. Perhaps get you off your thoughts. It is obfuscation. So do not get sucked into it.

If you observe. You will figure out the pattern.

I am not reading minds. But traditionally this will pick up as you continue to work on your legal goals.

The arguments will be vague and about feelings and opinions and spoken in a manor to make you second guess.

The best way to counter this.

Do not get sucked in. Walk away.

Think of the big picture.

And when you waver. Put a picture in your mind of respect. Think what you should be receiving. And remain quiet.

You will see that he will attempt to fill the void with ramblings.

Which will lead to ....


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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Or, as a poster named SmileysPerson used to call it:

"Just smile and wave." grin


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Great advice all, way to keep my focus. I really appreciate it, and I am back now smile It was a momentary lapse

He has texted and emailed a bunch today, and I only responded to the tax questions.

The kids are out doing their thing and I have my support group tonight so I won't be home until after 10pm.

I ordered a new book today, it was written by a man in my local area who has been right here. In his 19th year of marriage his wife dropped the ILYBNIWY and he wrote the book about the raw ups and downs,etc. He spoke to a group I belong to on Monday, and sadly I missed it. The book will be here tomorrow, and it comes highly recommended.

For now I feel strong again, glad to be back on this side again. Hoping to stay strong for a while, a little longer each time.


-Autumn

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So last night I went to my support group and it was phenomenal. I was so glad that I went and I feel just a little less scared and alone today. I feel like today is a good day for me, and I will take them where I can get them.

I got home from support group just a little after 10 and was so glad to be able to see the kids before they went to bed. They were doing well and filled me in on their nights.

H was in the game room watching TV. When I took the dog out back, I got a text message from H asking me if he could have a cigarette, because he was having a really rough night.

I brought him one and he asked me to stay for a minute. He was hysterically sobbing and couldn't compose himself. He kept talking about his coworker who tragically died yesterday morning. He was saying that he was such a good guy, in good health, etc.
He then said "he is the man that I wish I could be"

I didn't say a word. Just listened. When I got up to leave he asked if he could have one more cigarette before I go. He started crying again and said "i'm sorry, I don't mean to drag you into this. It's not just the death, it is everything. Everything is crashing down around me at once"

I replied "I can certainly understand that"

I got up and went to get ready for bed. He stayed out there a while longer.

When he came to bed he repeatedly said "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's everything crashing down"

I said "mmm hmmm, I hope you get some sleep tonight"

He is still in bed now. As I was getting up this morning to get my S15 off to school, he said "thank you for the cigarettes last night, just a rough day/night"

I got up and went about my morning.

I feel surprisingly strong this morning. I'm very thankful for that.


-Autumn

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Seems like you are really detaching emotionally from h Autumn, that is great!!

What book are you referring to above?


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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[quote=Autumn Leaves]

He is still in bed now. As I was getting up this morning to get my S15 off to school, he said "thank you for the cigarettes last night, just a rough day/night"
quote]


This would have been a great time to say "Yes, this has been incredibly difficult for ALL OF US," and let that sink in with him. Poor baby is more focused on himself (which is entirely the consequences of his poor and even destructive decisions) than he is of you or even YOUR KIDS.


Other than that, "A+", Autumn, really. Nicely done!! whistle


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Autumn -

I'm so glad to hear that, beyond everything else, you're not letting him affect you (too much) or take up valuable head space.

My first thought was close to Starsky's... BooHoo H. I feel so bad for YOUR WORLD. Gawd.

How about the wife you've betrayed? How about the two boys whose lives you've turned upside down?

Sheesh.

You sound way strong.


Me-46, D-21, S15, S13

After many years w/my head in the sand...
I FILED
Divorced 6/2011

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Joined: Nov 2011
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The book is called I thought we were happy: Lessons my wife taught me on the road to divorce by Jonathan Lewis.

Keep in mind that I haven't read it yet, so it may not be for everyone. I was taking recos from people I know, and will make up my mind soon. It is arriving today so I will keep you posted SIAS. It may very well go against DB, and I will know pretty quickly.

Thanks Starsky, I was actually quite shocked at my reaction. I was able to remain detached and it felt good.

I'm looking forward to later today. S17 is in a fun thing called Sports Night on Friday night. It is for a grade, but it is so much fun. The kids are on teams and compete, dance competitions, etc. Today after school he asked me to help him with his costume. I'm looking forward to it.

S15 is signing up for in house baseball tonight, and I will take him to sign up and go to buy a new bat. His true sport is basketball but he is doing this for some fun with his friends. I am so happy for him.

I've been making some plans for the weekend already. Meeting my mom for lunch on Saturday. She wants to give me the key to her condo in case I need it while she is away. She is heading to Florida for a month so it will be a nice escape if I need it.

Sunday I have a reunion with my EE grads, we are having a picnic in a local park. I'm excited about it!

I'm also taking my bike to the local bike shop to get a full tune up on it. I want to start riding more. There is a fantastic path along the canal nearby which runs all the way into NJ and the sites are beautiful. I plan to start taking some nice long rides on the weekend.

All in all, I'm good today


-Autumn

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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
[quote=Autumn Leaves]

He is still in bed now. As I was getting up this morning to get my S15 off to school, he said "thank you for the cigarettes last night, just a rough day/night"
quote]


This would have been a great time to say "Yes, this has been incredibly difficult for ALL OF US," and let that sink in with him. Poor baby is more focused on himself (which is entirely the consequences of his poor and even destructive decisions) than he is of you or even YOUR KIDS.


Other than that, "A+", Autumn, really. Nicely done!! whistle


Starsky


Better to keep quiet. Your detaching. Remember you owe him nothing when you are detached. The rule of thumb is this. Any sentence about conversations that are not important. Add the word "Do not" in front of it. By just leaving and not saying any comments about the relationship you avoided a conversation about the relationship or how hurt his feelings are or what ever else floated to the surface.

The night before you were a kind and respectful human being. And you left it at that. Very well done. But I think you need to leave him alone with his thoughts. And let him shape them how ever he wants.

Just remember that remorse is different between different people.


Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!
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