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Originally Posted By: barely floating
it's been a few days since i last posted and thought it was time for an update. it's amazing how things can change in a week.

the week after RV was really hard. after processing all that had happened.. and then by wednesday.. i was listening to the song gravity by sara bareilles which seems to describe how i felt so perfectly.. and i felt.. done. so done. i didn't want to continue putting effort in RV when H wasn't putting anything in.. and so i withdrew. later in the week, H wondered if i would like to stay at home while he was there with the kids for the weekend. i responded by saying i was ok if he wanted to catch up on RV dialogue or talk but if he just wanted to reiterate how determined he was to still leave.. i would rather not. anyway.. i did end up staying. but i kept myself busy! we had dinner together with the kids for the first time in months. we even went out saturday afternoon w/ the kids.

i had a nice weekend. and then we went to our 1st post session. i felt oddly detached. and when we were there.. we discussed how love is a choice. do not wait for your partner to initiate dialogue and then feel resentful when they do not.. love is choosing to show it when it feels difficult..

yesterday H txted me in the evening saying he was hungover. and i really wasn't angry. i did think.. what?? weird because the 12 years i've known him.. he has never been a big drinker. he wasn't even much of a social drinker. but i wasn't angry. and then i chose not to dialogue because i didn't want to do it when it was being forced. i invited H over for dinner for tonight and said we could catch up on dialogue then.

i half expected him to not show up but he did! and we had a nice dinner. he helped put the kids to bed. and then we sat down and had a cup of tea and did our RV work. we both made a point of staying on topic. and guess what?? score one for me!!! H said aside from being a great mom, he really appreciated the fact that i didn't judge him when he said he was hungover.

our next thing to discuss.. H picked. i assumed he would pick something safe but he picked "in what specific ways am i hopeful for our relationship". we'll see how that goes.

it's a weird space i'm in. i care very much about H. and i'm saddened to see his struggles. but i feel like he can only help himself. i don't know. is this what detachment feels like? D is sad to me. but i don't fear it anymore. i want to stand there and say.. pitch it at me.. and all i'm going to do is take a big swing and hit it out of the park. i don't intend on being taken out of he game.

and what do i have to look forward to? cut and colour my hair next week.. overnight in birch bay w/ my sister and her kids.. trip to vegas (friends better show up!!).. a culinary food fair that my gf has media passes for.. trip to toronto to visit my bff.. camping w/ my little ones.. hmmmmmm... to make things interesting.. i fully intend on being passionately kissed by the end of the summer. will this be possible?? certainly will be fun to see! lol.

i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.


Awesome post, BF! Keep going and growing and learning and thriving!!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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BF if you need moral support in Vegas I am there!!! Major airlines fly out of GA all the time. I love it there!

Tee hee:)

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Originally Posted By: barely floating
i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.


I think this is my new motto!

BF, thanks for keeping us updated on your RV process. Sounds like there have been some positive things happening. You do sound pretty detached. Thank you for mentioning that love is a choice, and you can make the choice to love even if it's difficult. I forget that sometimes.


Me:37
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to answer a few first..

thanks for continuing to read my posts to see where the road lead me..

SS - yes.. you are right. when i said "i deserve" H may have felt blamed. could i have said it better? probably. lol. but at the time, i said what i felt. i do feel as though i deserve to be treated better. and i didn't mean to give an ultimatum but that i didn't want to be the only one putting in the effort to end up getting hurt again. although now i feel that attending the weekend and the post sessions have really helped me find some peace and more insight.

Ad - if you can go to RV.. do it!!

April - vegas? june?? lol

ok.. RV post session #2.

H and i still attending. we are not doing the daily dialogue. kinda difficult when you're separated and not living in the same house. but, we did manage to do 3. not bad.

this week we did an exercise to discover some of our personality traits. we had to answer how we were at home and not at work. and what that showed was oftentimes, we are completely different people. we also did a values vs. ideals list. we were asked to name some of our values. and then to think about how much effort we had put into those values in the past 6 months. and lo and behold.. what did we discover?? that although we placed such high value on certain things.. we didn't necessarily put effort into it. why is that?? something to think about.

H and i are getting along. i think it's mainly because we haven't really discussed anything that would cause conflict. have to wait for the post session that deals w/ conflicting resolution before we touch that. lol.

something i thought about lately. in the beginning, i tried to dress myself up.. played w/ makeup.. wore perfume.. don't get me wrong.. i do enjoy doing those things. but it started feeling inauthentic because it's not realistic for me to do that everyday. i am a cargo pants and tee shirt sort of girl. i like my MEC sling bag.. messy hair.. mickey earrings.. i am perfectly.. imperfect. and what i've come to realize is that there is nothing wrong with that. i smell like clean soap rather than givenchy. but i feel authentic to who i am.

yes i do want H to be attracted to me. but what good does it do if he's attracted to something that i am not able to maintain?

also noticed that these days.. when H gets frustrated w/ the kids etc.. i no longer feel the need to jump in and try to smooth things over. because i feel.. only he can make that decision to find happiness in this life that we have. nothing i can say or do will convince him.

love is a choice. i choose to be here. that is my decision.

lol. this post sounds like it's all over the place. it's late.. i'm trying to catch up. smile


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
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This post shows a woman who is finding herself. It's beautiful and strong, just like you.

H always said I was a very different at home from my work persona and he was right. I showed my best self at work, not at home with those I loved. I didn't put effort into what I valued.

Thanks for sharing.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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BF - I like what you said about beng your authentic self. It shows a person who is self aware. I used to think I was self aware, but I really wasn't. What I was...was depressed. And that is NOT my authentic self.

For me, I did dress up when we were dating. I did wear makeup (if only occasionally). So those are things I'm trying to do again. It makes me feel better. And it's getting me back to who I really am.

Thanks for the reminder! :-)


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H always said I was a very different at home from my work persona and he was right. I showed my best self at work, not at home with those I loved. I didn't put effort into what I valued.

yea, me too....at least we're in good company : )


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
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