NOTICE: In order to help the OnLine Community run more efficiently, we will be pruning the boards over the next few weeks. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them soon.
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 ... 10 11 >
Topic Options
#2234110 - 03/29/12 02:05 AM where the wind blows.. nobody knows...
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2234112 - 03/29/12 02:32 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
so this evening was interesting...

FIL came over to visit. this is actually the first time FIL and i have been alone since the bomb. we use to have these long chats all the time. since the bomb.. whenever he came over, he would be w/ his gf. anyway.. it was.. interesting.

he asked how i was doing and i said.. alright. he then asked how i was really doing.. i said.. alright. i had asked him to watch the kids the weekend of retrouvaille and today he asked a bit more. he told me he had been wanting to speak w/ me alone for quite some time and had been waiting for this moment. told me i had to be strong. he just held my hand.

FIL told me he was very disappointed in H and that he has asked him what was going on. H had apparently told him that he needed "H time". FIL told me he said.. that time was gone. now it was S, D, and W time. that he had a beautiful little family.. i know FIL has been very hurt in all this. i didn't say much because i didn't feel it was in my place. i'm not responsible for H's relationship w/ his father and it's definitely not my job to make it worse.

before this conversation.. FIL was talking about MIL and how he still likes to talk w/ her etc. but that he knew they would not get back together anymore. i asked him if he was happy (since he's been w/ this new woman for a couple of years now) and he said.. no. he regrets having left MIL and feels he moved in w/ this new woman too quickly... sigh.

you know, it was just really nice to know that someone in his family was thinking about us and praying for us.

tonight when S called H, i overheard him asking why H doesn't live with us anymore and how he wanted him to stay here with us. i heard H say it was a really difficult question to answer. afterwards, H txted asking if he could take S to school again tomorrow. i had to tell him that S was quite upset today and H guessed why. i felt very upset thinking about how S cried today so when H asked if he could take S to school more often i said i wasn't prepared to talk about it right now since i was feeling very upset. H just said it must be very upsetting to hear all this.

i'm sad tonight. not necessarily because of the demise of my M but at the consequences surrounding it. does that make any sense? i'm sad and having to deal w/ financial issues.. sad about talks of visitation.. and mostly sad at what my babies are having to experience. everything i had feared when the bomb dropped regarding their pain.. it's just so ignorant to say that lots of kids survive divorce. yes.. and people survive child abuse.. rape.. doesn't mean i want it for my kids. so irritated!

on a side note.. i'm ok. i'm irritated.. but i'm ok. i'm not going down tonight! lol
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2234113 - 03/29/12 02:35 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Wow, lots of threads! Yes it's still windy here. In Birch Bay. We have a patio heater he bought in Sept. Like resturants have. it's strapped to the house on the top. Totally tipped over onto deck railing. Oh well. What's up with his living arrangements?

Top
#2234114 - 03/29/12 02:49 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Interesting talk with FIL. How can H. not get it? Your kids especially. I'm sitting here tonite surrounded by boxes, feeling like the settlement is unfair, going to have to go to a financial divorce guy, because my money is going to run out when I'm 67. And he is ok with all that. He's going to be sitting pretty, because he came into marriage with alot of $. Our "golden years". He won't even work on it, throwing it out. Damn, these WAS's, so frustrating. They don't even know what they could have, because we ARE different, we have grown.

Top
#2234116 - 03/29/12 03:03 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, I'm sorry if I talk too much about what I'm going thru and not giving you support on your thread. I should save that for my thread. One thing I'm trying to get better at - it's not all about me.

Top
#2234117 - 03/29/12 03:23 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
hopeless.. lol! i don't mind at all. what we're doing.. is having a conversation. i don't think you're all about you at all!

tonight it's too late to move furniture around.. i think the guy downstairs would get upset.. so i'm just thinking of my short-term goals. of them should be.. sleeping in my own bed again!

glad you're taking the time to think about what is right for you.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2234132 - 03/29/12 08:33 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
(((BF)))

I'd guess your FIL has already given some of that same info about how he feels to your H. Its probably just a seed of an idea and my guess is your H is fighting against that idea because it contradicts what he wants to do. But who knows. plants grow in some tough situations.

I'm sorry for your kids too. It has to be hard to see them hurt. I found an old picture recently. It was of my D with her very first skinned up knee. She's holding her paint leg up with this sad face showing her wound. I felt all the sadness again of seeing her hurt. Its just a little thing but as a parent, I so often want to protect my kids from pain. This is especially true when that pain is inflicted by someone else's choices.

There's a verse that just came to mind. 1st Peter 4:8. It says, "most of, love each other deeply as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practicaly anything."

Most of my life I've looked at this as the different between a "heart for God" meaning we live our lives from a place of love and gratitude vs. keeping a checklist of our good deeds trying to earn our place.

When I read your posts, I also that that the love you show your kids will cover up so much of the struggles they will face through this difficult time. Your love will give them the strength, courage and ability to grow and love as well. It won't take away the pain but you give them the best gift they will ever have.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2234137 - 03/29/12 09:00 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: ces67]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8380
Loc: Sonoran Desert
(((bf))) I know inside you must be in turmoil but you handle everything so beautifully, with such strength.

This was so good asked if he could take S to school more often i said i wasn't prepared to talk about it right now since i was feeling very upset. H just said it must be very upsetting to hear all this.

Your babies are lucky to have you!

Today is not my day to quit, either!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2234204 - 03/29/12 12:51 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
bb - you're so strong and full of wisdom. It's so hard, what you are struggling with, you and your kids.

You're lucky your FIL is there for you, that will help in the long run no matter how it turns out with H. Your kids will have a loving Gdad in their lives and that has to help.

The part about the kids pain. That is truly tough to deal with, however noone is better equipped as a loving Mom to do that than you. You're the best bb! It will be hard on them but they will grow up knowing what true love and committment is because of you. I saying this because I lived it like them and know its possible with a loving Mom like yourself.

You're strong and tough and you will make it, and you have those that love you so when you don't want to be strong or tough that day then they will be there for you all the way.

hugs, lots of them

Top
#2234216 - 03/29/12 01:46 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: barely floating
this is sort of how i feel. sitting in the middle of the ocean.. wondering which way i'm headed next. only time will tell.


Wherever you are headed BF you will be heading there with your beautiful children and all of us here are along for the ride as well.

I try to trust that the Universe has something better in store for me in the future and that this lesson I'm learning is needed and an opportunity to become who I want to become. Of course that perspective gets lost constantly due to the variables of our sitch.

Best B!!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

Top
#2234499 - 03/30/12 10:37 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: sayitaintso]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
so... update..

after the visit w/ FIL and txt w/ H regarding S being upset...

H sent me an email which i have yet to acknowledge. in it he wrote how he couldn't express how much he missed the kids.. and that their safety was his priority.. he wanted to be there for them mor during the week even if it meant he would have to sacrifice sleep or sleep in the car.. and in the end he said he knew how upsetting it is for me and if i wanted to slap him, or throw things at him etc.. i could.. because it wasn't anything he hadn't done to himself recently.

i'm not sure what kind of a response he's expecting and feeld that anything i say would be wrong. yes, i'm mad?? no, everything's ok? i just don't know.

the people from retrouvaille called for the telephone interview. it was really just one question and a couple of statements. i told them i wasn't sure where H stood on the M and they told me that they had already spoken w/ him and he was asked the exact same question and answered he was willing to work on the M. only time will tell i guess. i became teary at the end when they told me they were praying for us. it became very real and i felt oddly comforted that there were people who hadn't even met us who have given their time to help.

i'm thinking that H and i should drive there separately because if the weekend does not go well.. the last thing i will want is to be sitting in the car for a 40 min. drive w/ him. i'm really nervous.

on a side note.. i have started moving my furniture around. i've wanted to do this for a long time but was always waiting for H to do it since there are wires and heavy furniture involved.. i ended up buying those "as seen on tv" slider thingys. not bad.. the challenge of course is lifting the heavy furniture to put on the slider pads! my living room is a disaster and yet i feel very happy about the changes.

can't wait until the kids go to bed tonight! so i can tidy up!! plus they are driving me bonkers. lol
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2234501 - 03/30/12 10:52 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
The sliders work! It is amazing to find comfort and support from strangers. When is retrouv?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2234505 - 03/30/12 11:22 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: ces67]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, that's a positive, right that he is willing to go? When is it? Also a tip for the wires. Wrap a piece of tape around wire and write on it. Maybe draw a picture of the backs of devices to show where that wire goes? Probably, just don't unplug till you chart it out??? I know this may sound not pc. but are there any guys (ok or girls) that can assist. I'm terrible at that kind of stuff. My h. is very tech so he always did it. Good luck.

Top
#2234508 - 03/30/12 11:43 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Quote:
the people from retrouvaille called for the telephone interview. it was really just one question and a couple of statements. i told them i wasn't sure where H stood on the M and they told me that they had already spoken w/ him and he was asked the exact same question and answered he was willing to work on the M. only time will tell i guess. i became teary at the end when they told me they were praying for us. it became very real and i felt oddly comforted that there were people who hadn't even met us who have given their time to help.


So... a couple of thoughts. First I think it is a positive that H told a 3rd party that he was willing to work on the M. Time will tell if he is serious.

Second, I agree that it is comforting to know that others care about you and your M. Use that energy to help you get through the tough times.

Quote:
i'm thinking that H and i should drive there separately because if the weekend does not go well.. the last thing i will want is to be sitting in the car for a 40 min. drive w/ him. i'm really nervous.


BF - the choice is obviously yours to make. RTRV is supposed to be a program where you and your H come together to learn how to communicate and connect with each other. IMO I think it would be helpful to share the ride. Especially the ride home where you may have an opportunity to debrief and maybe even try some of your new skills.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

Top
#2234512 - 03/30/12 11:53 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: 2thepoint]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8380
Loc: Sonoran Desert
2 has a good point. Take some ear buds and if things are bad listen to music.

Quote:
he was willing to work on the M.
These words would be the mega million jackpot for me.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2234533 - 03/31/12 03:28 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I agree with above, and I did not win the lottery, darn, but the willing to work on the m, priceless.

Top
#2234557 - 03/31/12 09:26 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
No lottery winnings here either hopeless in WA...

Speaking of hope B....if H is saying he is remorseful (saying he should throw things at himself, etc), and is saying he is willing to work on the M, then that's the most anyone could ask for...a fighting chance. Nothing on earth ever happened without that first step.

I can only imagine the amount of stress you would feel attempting this R this way. Please don't beat yourself about detachment while this Retrothing plays out. Go easy on yourself!

In many ways this is going to be a point where you're going to have to take a controlled risk letting your heart be open to a degree, or how else can you try to reconnect? If it works out really well then be ever so careful with yourself, but keep taking the baby steps. If it doesn't work out then it's awful but you are kind of dealing with that already. If somewhere in the middle then he's still risking the most important aspect of his time here on earth, and you could be open to seeing what the world offers you.

Everyone here is with you heart and soul through this. You're loved and not alone at all.

Top
#2234565 - 03/31/12 10:45 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
Grmpy_Mnky Offline
Member

Registered: 12/17/11
Posts: 524
Loc: MS
These words would be the mega million jackpot for me.

That's great BF!! Now relax...its out of your hands to a point.
_________________________
Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.

Top
#2234810 - 04/02/12 12:20 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: Grmpy_Mnky]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, how are you today? Nice to see some sunshine today!

Top
#2235005 - 04/02/12 10:46 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
thank for all the support guys! puts things in perspective. it really is out of my hands what he does. i can only try to make the most of the weekend and see if things improve.

not much to report. working. tired. lol. i have been eating a lot of yogurt and fruit wink

H and i have txted here and there. a few pics of the kids.. nothing too exciting. i am basically laying low and trying to avoid conflict before retrouvaille.

i guess i'm nervous because it seems like things may be coming to an end. i just can't imagine H really changing his thinking over a weekend when he's been so adamantly on this course for almost 6 months. i just don't know.

i guess i'm also a little off these days because my sister and her H are wanting to set me up with people. my loved ones are already looking at the next step for me. and it's a daunting thing.. freaks me out actually!

but aside from all that.. i am doing good (i think lol). i have been thinking tha i may be ready to go back to see the IC. but i'm not sure yet. attempting to potty train.. kid's bday party this weekend.. maybe spend some time w/ my gfs.. but what will i do for myself? had the best hot bath last night! kids were at my mom's for the night and i had some time before i had to be at work. figured.. what the heck! bubbles and all... divine.

maybe i need to get a haircut. it's a mess.. will make me feel good. hmmmm.. just in time for retrouvaille?? is change in the air???
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2235011 - 04/02/12 11:07 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, he is agreeing to go. Who know what these good people have in store for you. I guess maybe you just need to go into it with no expectations and maybe a tiny bit of hope. I get the adamant h.

I'm right there with you on the yogurt and fruit! Tillamook Baked Apple Pie, the best.

I can't even imagine potty training alone. What is you h. thinking? He is missing out on so much, that later I'm sure he will come to regret. You don't know it now, well maybe you do, but kids grow up fast and out of your direct life so soon.

Go for the haircut. Mine is getting really long. Because h. used to give me trims. That ain't happening anymore. But I'm kinda liking it longer. Last time I saw him, gardening weekend, we were sitting on deck and he mentioned your hair is so blond in the back, have you colored???? Weird, i said, just the roots, or maybe it's turning gray. he said no it's blond. At least he was looking at me, I guess.

Top
#2235251 - 04/03/12 08:28 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
so H took S to school today. i guess S was asking H why he isn't here anymore because H txted me later asking if he could take S to school again tomorrow and mentioned S's comments to him. i just said.. i know.

H then asked me if i wanted to to easter dinner at FIL's. i asked how he felt about it and he said he felt fine.. just that i would have to put up w/ him. then clarified saying.. he really wants us to get along and that i would have to bear with him.. then said he has been feeling immensely down about not seeing the kids. i was soooo tempted to say.. yes.. that's the choice you made!!! but held my tongue. i didn't know how to validate so i just didn't say anything.

this is my weekend but i asked H if he wanted to have the kids sat/sun night since he didn't take them last weekend (his friend is leaving and he really wanted to attend the going away party) and next weekend is retrouvaille (also supposed to be his weekend).

my gf's son is having his bday party this weekend. this is the friend that actually introduced us. i asked H if he wanted to go. said he would try and thanked me for inviting him. i didn't ask him because i was pursuing.. i was thinking that it would be nice for the kids to have another person to play with (chuck e cheese).. and then we could just do the swap off there. also told him i would let him know about sunday.. because i have to work that night.

i don't know.. i guess i'm worried about another negative interaction. i'm just laying low. i have to get through this week and then go to retrouvaille and just be open to the process.

sometimes i wonder why i'm bothering w/ all this. would be easier? to just walk away. there's just been so much hurtful interactions.. how could we ever recover from that? and how would i even be able to trust enough to move towards a future if given the opportunity? i'm in this weird space.. not really sure which way i'm going. all i know is that my head isn't underwater.. and i'm breathing.. and i'm ok.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2235253 - 04/03/12 08:32 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
hopeless.. i've been eating la krema greek yogurt.. honeylicious flavour.. sooo good. we don't get all the fancy flavours you do in the states! will have to trek out just to try the baked apple pie.

my hair is extremely long. i think the last time i had it this length was the year H proposed. lol! it's amazing how we can be with someone for so long and forget to really look at them. in january.. i remember looking at a photo of H and the kids and thinking.. wow.. he's gotten older. and his hair is really starting to gray.. how did i miss that?
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2235285 - 04/03/12 11:01 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Haven't tried that yogurt. I understand the ambivelence you are feeling. Just lay low!

Well my h. came back with an email today saying everything my cpa said was wrong and if we are going to legal battle I would have to pay for it. Nice! So I've spent the afternnon drafting a letter to my lawyer. Just want this settled. I don't think db'ing is even a possibility anymore.

Top
#2235286 - 04/03/12 11:01 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
BF, good job on holding your tongue. That was also a nice feature to offer time with the kids.

Did your H say how he responded to your son?

I hope retrov. goes well for you. You sound like you may be in a good place to have no to low expectations.

Moving on....hmmm. It's so hard to know whether or not it's worth it. One thing is for certain, regardless of what happens, your H will always be in your life because of the kids. Can a person forgive and move past the hurt? I believe it is possible. But that is a personal choice. IMHO, regardless of whether or not the M is restored I think forgiveness is critical for one's self to be able to truly move on. Otherwise we carry the hurt and resentment with us and ultimately it can impact other relationships.

Ultimately, it takes both people to agree to move forward for the M. But you can live your life your way no matter what.

Hope your week goes well!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2235287 - 04/03/12 11:02 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
Nice "gesture". Not "feature". Stupid auto-correct!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2235553 - 04/05/12 01:55 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: ces67]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, how you doing? Nice to see sun again today.

Top
#2235562 - 04/05/12 03:21 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Sun good. Except I had my eyes dialated for eye dr. appt., BLIDED and blurry driving home!

Top
#2235563 - 04/05/12 03:22 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Ok I meant blinded. wish they had spell checker.

Top
#2235592 - 04/05/12 10:22 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
bb - Ces told me a story about some friends of his who were able to forgive their spouses for adultry and I guess all the bad stuff, and I think go on to a better M.

I'm like you I think. It seems almost impossible to imagine.

I know you are in an awful place in deciding what to do. Whatever you do I admire your strength and honesty and have fsith that you will make the right decision. Just don't sell yourself short, you're worth (and your kids) a lot more than accepting to live less than your value.

Top
#2235788 - 04/05/12 10:06 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: rickb89]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
ces - thanks. i know that a lot can be forgiven.. sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else.

one thing i have tried really hard to do during this whole ordeal was to not be vindictive. i have not said anything negative about H in front of the kids (the same can not be said in front of others lol)... and it has never been my intention to keep the kids away from him. i know how much he loves them. i know how much they love him. my priority has always.. ALWAYS.. been their well being. in standing for my M.. it is with the belief that it is in the best interest of my babies.

but with that understanding.. i know that i am only able to control my own choices. and i will make mine as the choices are presented to me.

i feel happy today. the sun is flooding through my kitchen window. my kids are jumping up and down on the couch.. life isn't perfect but is it ever? today i have beautiful sunshine.. 2 healthy (albeit naughty) kids.. supportive friends and family.. and a case of diet pepsi! today could be a little more perfect if my scale was reading minus 5-10 lbs. smile

retrouvaille next week. yikes! maybe i should become superstitious and not change my socks or something like that.. nah! maybe not!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2235797 - 04/05/12 10:18 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
change your underwear!

Top
#2235812 - 04/05/12 10:53 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8380
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Go into that weekend with beginner's mind. No expectations but also no baggage from the past, if you can.

I think no matter what the outcome it will be a valuable experience.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2235815 - 04/05/12 10:58 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
finding nemo Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 81
Hoping the best for you for your Retrouvaille weekend. I had looked into it for my sitch, but my H wants nothing to do w/ R or talks about R.

Really looking forward to hearing your impressions of the weekend when you return.

Good luck!

(And please change your underwear!!!)
_________________________
Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12

Top
#2235838 - 04/05/12 11:52 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: finding nemo]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, are you a libra? I am. I saw your refernce on CES's thread. Indecision has always been one of h's peeves. Never wanted to give me too many options.

Top
#2235896 - 04/06/12 08:12 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
That sounds like some fantastic stuff to be thankful for (althought I'll just trust you on the diet pepsi thing...)

I'm an early bird and driving into work this morning, the moon was HUGE, full and orange. It was a beautiful site to start the day. Yesterday's clouds have cleared off and now its blue sky as far as they eye can see.

Its also a great sign of strength that you can honor your H in front of the kids. That says a great deal for your character.

No idea how you should prep for the weekend but as you said before, there are people who are focused on making it a great weekend for you and praying for wonderful things to happen as a result. Enjoy the weekend coming up and try not to get anxious about it as the time approaches.

As as far as the other topics recently discussed, I've made a conscious choice in my sitch not to speak of other women's underwear so I'll just leave that to the rest of you to decide!! : )
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2235903 - 04/06/12 08:51 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: ces67]
nhmom Offline
Member

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 345
I agree with bugsy! Go with a beginner's mind! Regardless of the outcome, I'm sure you'll learn many valuable lessons next weekend!
_________________________
Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11



Top
#2235910 - 04/06/12 09:14 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: nhmom]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Open heart and an open mind...let these Retro people help you...let god help you...let our prayers help you. Let it all in. I know you will.

Top
#2236016 - 04/06/12 04:58 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: rickb89]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
lol! i deliberately said socks! if anything.. i was thinking.. better leave the granny panties at home! uh.. not that i have granny panties..

HIW.. yes i am a libra. completely indecisive when it comes to little things. hmmm.. do i want fries.. or salad.. or fries.. or salad.. and once the choice is made, i wonder whether i should have chosen the other. can you imagine how completely crazy that drove me when H would continually look towards me to make decisions?

i don't think i can do anything to prep for retrouvaille. i just have to be willing to go in with and be open to the process. i've also read that i should not focus on how H is being affected. whether or not he gets anything out of it.. isn't really within my control. if not.. i can see myself learning a lot to take w/ me forward.

what's on the menu for this weekend. hmmmmmm.. gf coming over to hang out again tonight. tomorrow morning will take the kids to a bday party at Chuck E Cheese 930 in the morning! yikes! then i have a free evening. think i should go to mass sunday morning for easter. maybe at the cathedral downtown. then.. work. hope the ghost has left by then. did i mention that previously? there was a ghost on my last night shift??
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2236020 - 04/06/12 05:04 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
finding nemo Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 81
Maybe the ghost is part of a new GAL you're supposed to be doing? Barely Floating - Ghost Hunter! lol
_________________________
Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12

Top
#2236035 - 04/06/12 05:57 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: finding nemo]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Yes, that is me to a t. Can never decide. Was it a friendly ghost?

Top
#2236056 - 04/06/12 08:17 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
i was sitting the computer.. my coworker was sitting close by charting.. all of a sudden i heard charts fall and turned around to ask her what happened. she had this shocked look and said.. i don't know.. said the charts (2 of them) just came off the rack! and that they were pushed in far enough that it shouldn't have happened!

earlier in the evening.. another coworker sat down in a chair and all the books on the bottom shelf fell off in the back room. weird. and when i stood up from my computer at one point.. my screen suddenly scrolled down.. and then back up!!!

there you go. whoever would have thought you would find yourself on the DB boards talking about changing underwear and ghosts?? anyone??
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2236060 - 04/06/12 08:46 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
That is reallly strange! Scary.

Top
#2236118 - 04/07/12 02:34 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Have you changed your thong?

Top
#2236119 - 04/07/12 02:36 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I'm a black jockey bikini girl myself!

Top
#2236120 - 04/07/12 02:40 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Actually, I think they are called hipsters. Yeah, that's me a 58 y.old hipster. My kids would think this hysterical!!! Need some levity tonite. Thanks for providing the forum. Take care and have good weekend. Hugs to you.

Top
#2236121 - 04/07/12 02:42 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Just to be fair, wasn't there discussion about speedos for all the men out there?

Top
#2236392 - 04/08/12 08:26 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
lol. yes.. there was a discussion about speedos at one point! i don't think i own any thongs. i got rid of them a few years ago thinking.. i'm married.. why should i torture myself any longer?? lol. i like the boy shorts. cute.. comfy..

so it's been a weird couple of days. H decided to come to chuck e cheese for the bday party w/ the kids and i. when i had first asked him.. he said.. maybe.. if he could get up.. wasn't sure since he keeps graveyard hours... so, i really didn't expect him to come. that morning he txts saying he was on his way over. i actually texted him back saying i didn't actually think he was going to come.

on the drive there, he tells me how he and his friends got kicked out of the bar the night before. my response.. "oh. that must be fun". i was thinking to myself.. is that supposed to be a cool thing?? he then says.. no.. it was a good reason to call it a night etc. aside from small talk, there really wasn't much else to talk about.

today H txted me saying we could leave at noon. i guess he assumed i was coming with to FIL's for easter dinner. i had actually decided not to go because i'm not sure how emotional i will be and i just didn't want to risk a highly charged interaction w/ H before retrouvaille. soooo.. i told H i was working early.

what does he say to that?? "perhaps i can stop by the hospital with a plate of food?". what????? he use to come drop by the hospital to see me when we were first married and when my S was little. he has not come by in a couple of years. i have mentioned to him before bomb drop that he could drop by with the kids (when i was working longer day hours) but he never did. i'm sure he's just being nice. still shocked me though. just said.. kids are sick.. there is an outbreak of bedbugs.. (those were not lies)... and then said thank you for thinking of me.

kind of bad.. but my gf gave me my astrology reading and it doesn't seem too promising for next weekend! funny thing is that i don't even normally read all this suddenly i'm all worried!! i just have to let it go.

how to keep myself busy this week..
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2236396 - 04/08/12 09:04 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
barely, nice to hear from you. I agree, weird behavior. I tend to agree not to go to FIL for dinner. I Think there are some positives in his actions, coming to C. Cheese, offering to bring food.

Sorry kids are sick. Bedbugs are serious. How are you dealing with them?

Top
#2236397 - 04/08/12 09:13 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
How did you get your H to decide to do Retrouvaille? And is this happening next week?
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2236460 - 04/09/12 03:33 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: jks]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
Well.. The bedbugs are not an official outbreak. My sister was working the weekend and warned me. However.. She does work in psych so they tend to come and go more. I don't want to take chances though!

As for retrouvaille.. It sounds weird but, before my dad passed away, he had talked to me about he and my mom (they were D when I was little). He said if the elders in the family had asked, he would have gone back to work on the M but since they didn't, he chose to walk away (he had primary custody of my sister and I). So, when I saw retrouvaille, it felt like my dad was watching over me. Also, patron saint of retrouvaille is st Joseph which was my dad's baptismal name. Sounds hokey but, I told H I wanted to go and he said he would. I think I mentioned it back in December or January.

Yes, it is next week! I'm actually feeling very nervous.. And scared! Scared that I might be saying goodbye and it makes me so incredibly sad. frown
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2236461 - 04/09/12 05:09 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, maybe it will go good. It sounds like an intense look at what's going on and that maybe he will see what he wants to leave. You and 2 beautiful kids. Which you are. I think he is young and that contributes to his additude. Maybe this will be a wakeup call. Jeez, what is wrong with him? You are a fantastic person, 2 wonderful kids, you are such a good person, pretty, I just don't get it.

Totally get your nerviousness. It could be an all or nothing. I really care about you and hope this helps you guys get back on track. (for some reason I have lost the ability to spell!) Please forgive.

Just maybe go in with no expectations, I know hard, but at least he's willing to go.

Really, I so hope for the best and I know you will be having anxiety before this weekend. Maybe try for some detachment this week. That's what I'm trying to do while intense lawyer/financial crap right now. You are such a good person, no matter what you will be ok. Take care.

Top
#2236463 - 04/09/12 05:24 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
PS. I think your dad is with you! However this turns out.

Top
#2236464 - 04/09/12 05:28 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Plus, it's not over till it's over. You guys are young. You have young children to tie you together for a very long time. You have some "room" to get it back together, for a very long time. Maybe that is a way to look a current sitch.

Top
#2236710 - 04/09/12 11:59 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, how are you tonite? How are the nerves? I have a practical question for you. I think I'm gling to start a new thread. Zig got locked out of her old one. Not in the FAQ. Can you help me?

Top
#2236712 - 04/10/12 12:10 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
Very easy. Go into newcomers or whatever forum you want.. And then click on new topic and voilà.. Pick a title and start your new thread. Supposed to be starting a new thread once you hit 100 posts. I'll update a little later after H has left.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2236726 - 04/10/12 01:16 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
HIW and FN for all the positive vibes! i'm going to need it.

countdown begins.. 4 more days. omg.

i came home today and H was upstairs in the bedroom w/ the kids. i eventually headed upstairs to look for them and it felt really weird because it has been a long time since H and i have been in the bedroom at the same time. we sort of avoid it.

i don't really remember what our interaction was like. small talk? then he finally said he was going to take a nap (because he works graveyards too).

it was nice to hang out w/ the kiddies. i missed them. H got up around the bath time. that was also weird because i was in the bathroom w/ the kids and H came in for a while. that hasn't happened in a long time either.

when H was getting ready to leave.. he seemed to dawdle a bit. i thought he was going to bring up financial talk or something (which is why i have been avoiding.. don't want a meltdown before the weekend) but he didn't really say anything. he just asked what time we had to be there on friday for retrouvaille. and that's about it.

another night of work for me. when i get off tomorrow.. there will only be 3 days left. i think i may have a panic attack! lol. better think of some GAL activities to keep me busy. ack!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2236727 - 04/10/12 01:27 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8380
Loc: Sonoran Desert
When did you sleeP?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2236729 - 04/10/12 01:42 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Maybe he was feeling the familiarity of it all. But no mindreading here! Must be hard, like egg shell walking, plus the nerves, getting ready for weekend. You are doing fine. Thanks for help. Just started new thread.

Top
#2236760 - 04/10/12 08:22 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
BF, good idea on focusing on your GAL stuff for the next few days. Your H has to deal with his own emotions & thoughts. What you do know is that he agreed to go to RV with you. From what I read, its nothing you need to prepare for. Just take an open mind and see what happens.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2236846 - 04/10/12 12:42 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Open mind and heart needed ^^^^.

If someone was to be on the receiving end of the bomb, but then you knew that the WAS would immediately have to spend a weekend in RV, you would probably feel good in that they would at least have to hear every reason on earth and in the heavens as to why they should work this out. And the LBS would have every opportunity to say what they need to say.

In the real world that initially doesn't happen...the WAS doesn't listen to themselves or the LBS.

Here you have a chance. Enough time has gone by for all the reasons for this separation to play out, for both of you to think about yourselves, the M, the kids, spiritual considerations, practical considerations, etc. Maybe now that all this has had some time, it may be the best time for him to hear whar RV suggests. It probably couldn't have happened earlier.

I'm just saying you have a lot in your favor. You have had enough time for everyone to reflect. You know yourself a lot better after all this. You are the best woman any guy could ever want. He agreed to go. He's obviously looking around and aware of what is at stake. Your dad is with you, your family, all of us, your friends, god, the universe. No matter the outcome here's your chance to open yourself up completely in the eyes of the infinite. What you feel and what you are, and what capacity for love you have is never wasted in the universe. So, what ever comes out of this weekend can only be a path of love for you.

Fear is natural for all of us...don't fight it...but please in this one time have faith and let it all out. So many are walking with you in this.

(((bb)))

Top
#2236876 - 04/10/12 02:11 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: rickb89]
finding nemo Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 81
BF,

I love what Rick has written. I think you should print it out and carry his post with you this week & this weekend.

What GAL activity did you do today?

Sending you love and prayers!
_________________________
Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12

Top
#2236936 - 04/10/12 04:42 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: finding nemo]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2500
Loc: Piney Land
BF I have heard that Retroaville is pretty intense. And it has a good sucess rate. I pray that on Monday everything will be great and back to normal. No more self fulfilling prophecies of negatives stuff happening before the weekend ok.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






Top
#2237062 - 04/11/12 12:22 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: Rick1963]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, how's your day?

Top
#2237065 - 04/11/12 12:27 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8380
Loc: Sonoran Desert
But you still have to go to Vegas!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2237087 - 04/11/12 08:02 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
finding nemo Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 81
Been thinking about you!! Hope you're having a good week! smile
_________________________
Me: 42 H: 44
M: 17 1/2 T: 19 1/2
S: 14
D: 10
D: 8
Dog: 16-17 (very old & H's responsibility, live w/ me)
1st Bomb (I need space): 2/3/12
2nd Bomb (ILYBNILWY): 2/11/12
Moved out: 2/12/12

Top
#2237332 - 04/11/12 09:49 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: finding nemo]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, how are you? Weekend is getting closer. Have you had contact with him?

Top
#2237365 - 04/12/12 02:38 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
i'm having an off day. darn star alignments! lol

Bugsy - after a night shift.. i sleep until i S comes home from school. my mom is there to watch D and my niece while i sleep. as for vegas.. that is not even a question!

HIW, Ces, Rick89, FN and Rick 63.. and everyone else that has sent positive thoughts and has been supporting me through this journey.

i'm scared. really scared. a had a little emotional meltdown before putting the kids to bed i'm trying really hard not to have hope or expectations. at the same time, i am trying not to close myself off to the potential for healing.

my kids are hurting. i see it all the time. yesterday, when i came to pick up S from school, he asked me if daddy was still at home. i reminded him that no.. he left yesterday. when we got home, i saw that S had been crying quietly on the way home. when i asked him what was wrong.. he said.. "i miss daddy". and all i could do was hug him.. hold him.. tell him "daddy really loves you" tell him.. how much i loved him.. and that i was right there.

i have been so broken by H's words and actions. and i wonder how i ever allowed that to happen. there are moments where i think.. there are other men who would love to be with me.. with my beautiful kids.. version 1.0 of me was good. but seriously.. i think i'm now version 3.0! serious upgrade!!!

i don't know.. i don't know.. i don't know...

i just don't know.

i feel as though the light inside me has dimmed a bit. i don't know what i need to do to jumpstart it again.

i can't believe retrouvaille is in 2 days. it seems like it was just yesterday when i thought.. it's 4 looooong months away. i feel so unprepared.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2237368 - 04/12/12 02:50 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, I see you are really overwhelmed right now. I think the weekend is getting you all jumbled up. Look back a little, you are strong. If RV wasn't happening this weekend how would you be feeling? My heart breaks for your son. and you. The light is still there. We all believe in you Ms. 3.0! Sorry you are feeling scared.

Top
#2237386 - 04/12/12 08:01 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
((((BF)))))

Hate this ride for you. But you are doing good! Its only natural to be scared, don't get down on yourself for it. And as far as separating "hope" from "expectations", that is just HARD STUFF. I struggle with that every day.

Can you believe and hope that YOU will be OK? This weekend can be good for you, even if your H doesn't open his heart to the opportunities it may offer.

I hope good things for you & your kids and I hope your H can be part of that. If not, you will still have those good things. There will be sadness, and mourning because it could (and I said "could") be a major loss in your life. OR it could be a turning point to healing.

Either way, you will make it and prosper. The hard part is the the option where your marriage heals is the one you can better visualize mentally because you've been there already. The other path is uncharted and unknown so its harder to see and believe what that "good" will look like. But it can be just as good or better! You're making progress to the "other side" regardless!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2237402 - 04/12/12 09:21 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: barely floating

i don't know.. i don't know.. i don't know...

i just don't know.

i feel as though the light inside me has dimmed a bit. i don't know what i need to do to jumpstart it again.

i can't believe retrouvaille is in 2 days. it seems like it was just yesterday when i thought.. it's 4 looooong months away. i feel so unprepared.



((BF))- Understandably you have a lot going on in that beautiful brain of yours right now. I don't believe you need to do anything to jumpstart anything. Just being your true authentic self hour by hour, day by day, is going to get you where you are supposed to be.

You seem to be in more reaction mode now and I'm sure it is due to the fear of RV and obviously the feeling of the unknown outcome. I don't think you need to act on anything right now and just observe your thoughts as best you can and maybe you'll find something underneath all that fear.

Stay focused on acting from a track of love vs. fear or uncertainty and just be you. We all luv ya!

Best!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

Top
#2237423 - 04/12/12 10:41 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: sayitaintso]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
SAIS said it all^^^^^^!

Top
#2237425 - 04/12/12 10:44 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: rickb89]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8380
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Fear of the unknown...always difficult.

My favorite question to myself at times like this: "What's the worst that could happen?"

Just be who you are, a seeker.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2237607 - 04/13/12 01:17 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, is it a 2 day or 3 day? How are you feeling?

Top
#2237616 - 04/13/12 03:09 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Retrovaille is a good thing, a really good thing.

But keep the focus on what YOU can do to be a better partner and h and try not to stare at her for her reactions

don't take the temperature of the marriage either. First off it won't sink in til later anyhow and please make sure you do the follow up programs....

but don't stress those to your w atm, just get her there and she'll hear other couples who are happy together but have been to hell and back...let her hear it without you constantly checking in...okay?

So get what YOU can out of it for YOU and the work you do as a couple will be important listening work, and communicating in new, safer healthier ways.

I wish you luck and joy and am cautiously optimistic for you...
_________________________
That was from 25 to jlove who is also going to rv this weekend. some good advise. I wonder if you guys are going to same one?

Top
#2237617 - 04/13/12 03:11 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
I have not figured out how to do the quote thing. Jeez

Top
#2237624 - 04/13/12 07:27 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
Thinking of you today and is weekend. Good luck! What time do you leave?
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2237626 - 04/13/12 07:43 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: ces67]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
ditto!

Top
#2237638 - 04/13/12 09:24 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Don't leave us in the dark BF!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

Top
#2237717 - 04/13/12 02:46 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: sayitaintso]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
ok.. quick post.. thanks guys for all the support!!! still need to pack my stuff. will be dropping off the kids at FIL's and then heading to RV from there.

not so nervous at the moment. that will probably change as i approach closer tot he site.

been doing lots of thinking. i have a lot of trust issues to work on. needs to be resolved for this R or for a future one.

i can only make my own choices so i will be trying to focus on that rather than worrying what H is getting any of it. sigh.

ok.. here we go... see you after the weekend!!!
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2238124 - 04/15/12 10:56 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, hope it went well!

Top
#2238344 - 04/16/12 04:47 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
i am back from my RV weekend. and what an emotionally draining weekend it was.

H and i are not at the point of R. and he is still saying that he needs to be on his own because he feels we've tried everything with counseling etc and couldn't make it work. we had a lot to talk about this weekend.

the thing is.. i'm ok. because i opened my heart to the experience. and i can see the firm resolve cracking a bit as H is given more information about the effects on the kids.. his responsibilities in the demise of our relationship.. my responsibilities as well.. and that ultimately.. it is all about choice. and he is facing the fact that it was his choice to leave.. never mine. i swallowed my pride and ego in order to fight for what i believed was best for my babies.. and some of H's statements of wanting to do the same has been questioned.

ie.. i felt it was contradicting to say he would do anything for the kids and yet wasn't willing to work on the marriage... when i said i deserved better.. he said.. i know. this was part of a conversation how i said i never wanted D to feel like i have. that she deserved better to which he agreed. and then i said.. i deserved better.. and he agreed.

so... where does that leave us? i don't know. but i feel that question doesn't need to be answered today. i am committed to doing the 6 week post sessions. H has said he will go as well (for the sole purpose of learning to communicate for the kids). i emailed some of the presenting couples to let them know where we stood and they encouraged me to keep going because healing takes place at different paces for everyone. and that there was much to learn in the next few weeks which would teach us how to communicate better which is usually the big hinderance in healing. the inability to communicate w/out blame and judgement. we shall see.

i opened up to my FIL as well on friday night. he wanted to give me a hug and i was okay with it. he tells me all the time that he loves me but i have never reciprocated because it's not that i don't love him.. i'm just.. shy. lol.

but i sent my FIL message today saying that i welcomed his hugs. and that although i don't say it.. i truly love him because he has become my father figure since my own passed away. he sent me a message back that he has always had a special place in his heart for me and whatever i needed.. he would be there. i know he has been praying and hoping H and i could work things out. he truly is still so torn over his own marriage ending w/ MIL. a little sad that H is so set is his own resolve that he can not see these things.

anyway.. i am sort of rambling now. tired. nice to be home. cleaning.. because i feel like new life has been breathed into me. i'm not sure which direction i'm headed.. but it feels good to not feel so stagnant.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2238353 - 04/16/12 05:05 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
(((BF))) First, your H is an idiot! I hope he gets a clue before it's too late.

Okay, now that I've gotten that out...LOL!

I'm glad you were open to the experience, and got some positive things out of it. I'm also excited for the post sessions for you. I think there's lots more in store for you and your sitch. Praying for you daily, girlie!
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2238433 - 04/16/12 10:32 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: RoRoinMD]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, it sounds like you are doing pretty well. I thought about you all weekend. Having hope for you. Hang it there. "a crack in the resolve". That sounds positive.

Top
#2238436 - 04/16/12 10:35 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 283
I wish I could get my H to go to RV...not even considering asking him because that would be considered pursuing and I'm going dark right now! smile

I'm so happy for you that you are doing well. I will pray for you and your situation. Keep your head up and hang in there! smile
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2239070 - 04/19/12 03:44 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopingandpraying]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
i'm hurting so much tonight... i'm not even sure what to say..

the past 6 months have tested me to my very limits. and i don't know if i can do it anymore.

i realize in this DB world.. people will say that 6 months is nothing compared to the years that they stay standing.. but when you find yourself slipping.. and dying slowly inside.. do you stay?

for me, DB was about finding myself and i believe i have. i have learned that i am a loving, strong, compassionate woman who loves with her entire being... even in the midst of my pain, it kills me to watch H struggling and hurting my mind says.. he chose this.. this is the consequence.. and my heart says.. i don't want you to hurt anymore.

i don't even want to say anything else right now. it seems that there are so many of us struggling and i feel very invisible right now. it makes me feel so self involved to write about my situation because.. really.. is it any different from anyone else's?
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2239071 - 04/19/12 04:08 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
ndfarmer Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/12
Posts: 65
Boy do I know what you mean. I grow very weary of the pain. At times I wonder if it all is worth it. W has become so cold and distant.

We both need to believe that it will be floating. Hang in there!

Top
#2239081 - 04/19/12 05:40 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: ndfarmer]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, i get it. I pretty much know in my heart my h. will never look back to me. The only thing getting me thru is that maybe??? someday??? in future??? he will get that he left something really good. and for now, that is all i can hope for. that time will help and if not i will be a better person. I'm not even thinking about someone else in my future. That thought just makes me gag! to do this all over, i know i will need to work on that in future, but for now. no. i know it is harder because of your little ones. what an idiot. he has a quality woman in you and babies. don't doubt yourself. you are not invisible. we all see who you are, he doesn't right now. You are not hurting him, he is hurting himself, in the long run. Remember, a marathon, not a sprint. keep focus on you and kiddos. he is the loser in all this. not you. time will tell. you WILL be ok. that's how i'm choosing to look at this fu'd sit. we will be ok. they are the ones losing out because we have chosen to look at ourselves. take care

Top
#2239082 - 04/19/12 06:07 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
i didn't mean to dismiss how you feel about how h. is hurting. I never see it in mine. but that is a valid feeling for you. it's just that we are on your side. but you get to feel whatever you want to feel. i think it is part of the process. you love him, just like i still love mine. you still care, it is a hellish sort of thing. jeez, so many feelings, maybe try to stay in the moment. that sort of helps me. there is time. you have little ones, one day that will occur to him and have some influence on his thinking. i just don't know but think that will have some power in your favor. Feel better barely,
we care.

Top
#2239083 - 04/19/12 06:14 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
Barely, i also think that the rv experience is hitting you now. what didn't happen. how he was about it. that's probably perfectly normal. give it all some time and go back to you. the lovely, beautiful mom we all know that is you. we are all behind you. feel better friend.

Top
#2239101 - 04/19/12 08:06 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
Its okay to care about yourself and to care about your situation. Its not being selfish, its loving and listening to yourself.

You are doing a tremendous job of soul searching and finding yourself. Your changes are evidence in your post. Be proud of that.

It is truly amazing that you have any sympathy for your H
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


Top
#2239111 - 04/19/12 08:25 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
(((BF)))

Sorry for the hurting. Don't worry about comparing your time in this sitch to others. I would guess regardless of how long any of us have dealt with our issues, its hurt almost all the way through in some way.

You're going through a crisis like the rest of us. That doesn't minimize your hurt at all. I understand the idea of not wanting to share. Withdraw is part of my own defense mechanism and I've even noticed I do it on the boards and limit my contributions when I've just had too much to deal with.

even in the midst of my pain, it kills me to watch H struggling and hurting my mind says.. he chose this.. this is the consequence.. and my heart says.. i don't want you to hurt anymore.

This is just a hard place to be. I go through this same conflict almost daily. For me, the hard part is knowing that my attempts to comfort or support are rejected and therefore, I am rejected. That's painful.

You can work through this pain. You've done it before and you can keep doing it. It suxx, but you know you have the strength. ((BF))
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2239123 - 04/19/12 09:28 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Sorry your hurting (((BF)))

I know you know that only you (lot of you's but makes sense right?)can decide when enough is enough. I've found myself on serveral occasions feeling exactly how you are right now but have chose to continue on the DB path for myself, my kids, and also my w.

Is this truly the point where you feel like you are done? If so their will be no judgements from me and I will support you to the fullest. I assume that is the cast for most if not all of us on here. We know what a great person you are and if you feel like your curent sitch can no longer work for you then you make that decision.

But what does that look like for you? What can be your next steps and what are some immediate short term goals?

Lately I have been feeling very saddened thinking of my w and the pain she is going through. Yes this was her choice but something inside of her heart and soul told her that this is what she needed to do at this time to try to find her happiness. It doesn't seem to be working out too well for her right now but its her path and hopefully it will lead her to find her happiness, w/ or w/o me.

It totally sux for us but I am extremely greatful that this has allowed me to find myself and learn a lot about who I am just as you stated above. Even if we D this lessen has been priceless.

Keep your head up B!
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

Top
#2239124 - 04/19/12 09:30 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: sayitaintso]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Where's the spell check on here? lol
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

Top
#2240875 - 04/26/12 02:55 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: sayitaintso]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
it's been a few days since i last posted and thought it was time for an update. it's amazing how things can change in a week.

the week after RV was really hard. after processing all that had happened.. and then by wednesday.. i was listening to the song gravity by sara bareilles which seems to describe how i felt so perfectly.. and i felt.. done. so done. i didn't want to continue putting effort in RV when H wasn't putting anything in.. and so i withdrew. later in the week, H wondered if i would like to stay at home while he was there with the kids for the weekend. i responded by saying i was ok if he wanted to catch up on RV dialogue or talk but if he just wanted to reiterate how determined he was to still leave.. i would rather not. anyway.. i did end up staying. but i kept myself busy! we had dinner together with the kids for the first time in months. we even went out saturday afternoon w/ the kids.

i had a nice weekend. and then we went to our 1st post session. i felt oddly detached. and when we were there.. we discussed how love is a choice. do not wait for your partner to initiate dialogue and then feel resentful when they do not.. love is choosing to show it when it feels difficult..

yesterday H txted me in the evening saying he was hungover. and i really wasn't angry. i did think.. what?? weird because the 12 years i've known him.. he has never been a big drinker. he wasn't even much of a social drinker. but i wasn't angry. and then i chose not to dialogue because i didn't want to do it when it was being forced. i invited H over for dinner for tonight and said we could catch up on dialogue then.

i half expected him to not show up but he did! and we had a nice dinner. he helped put the kids to bed. and then we sat down and had a cup of tea and did our RV work. we both made a point of staying on topic. and guess what?? score one for me!!! H said aside from being a great mom, he really appreciated the fact that i didn't judge him when he said he was hungover.

our next thing to discuss.. H picked. i assumed he would pick something safe but he picked "in what specific ways am i hopeful for our relationship". we'll see how that goes.

it's a weird space i'm in. i care very much about H. and i'm saddened to see his struggles. but i feel like he can only help himself. i don't know. is this what detachment feels like? D is sad to me. but i don't fear it anymore. i want to stand there and say.. pitch it at me.. and all i'm going to do is take a big swing and hit it out of the park. i don't intend on being taken out of he game.

and what do i have to look forward to? cut and colour my hair next week.. overnight in birch bay w/ my sister and her kids.. trip to vegas (friends better show up!!).. a culinary food fair that my gf has media passes for.. trip to toronto to visit my bff.. camping w/ my little ones.. hmmmmmm... to make things interesting.. i fully intend on being passionately kissed by the end of the summer. will this be possible?? certainly will be fun to see! lol.

i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2240885 - 04/26/12 04:41 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
hopeless in wa Offline
Member

Registered: 01/29/12
Posts: 285
you are fine!

Top
#2240889 - 04/26/12 05:37 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: hopeless in wa]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
hi barely, i glad you're feeling strong and detached.
small 2x4's, from my point of view:

when you say, "i deserve", that may feel like a blaming statement to the person receiving it. it would to me because it would make me feel as if i were the one not giving that person what they deserve. it may be true but the idea presented that way seems inflammatory.

when he hears, "if you just want to do this, then i don't want to do it", that sounds like an ultimatum, which is defined as "umcompromising". could create a tension in the person who hears it.

just my thoughts.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


Top
#2240896 - 04/26/12 08:57 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: scaredsilly]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2739
Loc: VA
barely you sound good. Thanks for posting your thoughts and feelings post-RV. I'm thinking of going with my H similarly determined to d, so I'm grateful for the insight into your sitch. Love your goals!
_________________________
Adinva 47 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

Top
#2240898 - 04/26/12 09:07 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: adinva]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Love your attitude BF!!!!

Funny how they notice some of those little things like you not saying anything about him being hungover. Ummm, what about the patience, space I've given you, and the sacrifices I've made since you left, hellllo?

Detachment has a lot of dynamics and I feel like you are in that next phase of detachment which is great.

Your upcoming GAL events sound amazing. Hope u don't find yourself walking the vegas strip by yourself but I'm quite confident you would still have a great time because of who you are.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

Top
#2240904 - 04/26/12 09:17 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: sayitaintso]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8380
Loc: Sonoran Desert
You are a busy girl!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2240961 - 04/26/12 12:42 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Originally Posted By: barely floating
it's been a few days since i last posted and thought it was time for an update. it's amazing how things can change in a week.

the week after RV was really hard. after processing all that had happened.. and then by wednesday.. i was listening to the song gravity by sara bareilles which seems to describe how i felt so perfectly.. and i felt.. done. so done. i didn't want to continue putting effort in RV when H wasn't putting anything in.. and so i withdrew. later in the week, H wondered if i would like to stay at home while he was there with the kids for the weekend. i responded by saying i was ok if he wanted to catch up on RV dialogue or talk but if he just wanted to reiterate how determined he was to still leave.. i would rather not. anyway.. i did end up staying. but i kept myself busy! we had dinner together with the kids for the first time in months. we even went out saturday afternoon w/ the kids.

i had a nice weekend. and then we went to our 1st post session. i felt oddly detached. and when we were there.. we discussed how love is a choice. do not wait for your partner to initiate dialogue and then feel resentful when they do not.. love is choosing to show it when it feels difficult..

yesterday H txted me in the evening saying he was hungover. and i really wasn't angry. i did think.. what?? weird because the 12 years i've known him.. he has never been a big drinker. he wasn't even much of a social drinker. but i wasn't angry. and then i chose not to dialogue because i didn't want to do it when it was being forced. i invited H over for dinner for tonight and said we could catch up on dialogue then.

i half expected him to not show up but he did! and we had a nice dinner. he helped put the kids to bed. and then we sat down and had a cup of tea and did our RV work. we both made a point of staying on topic. and guess what?? score one for me!!! H said aside from being a great mom, he really appreciated the fact that i didn't judge him when he said he was hungover.

our next thing to discuss.. H picked. i assumed he would pick something safe but he picked "in what specific ways am i hopeful for our relationship". we'll see how that goes.

it's a weird space i'm in. i care very much about H. and i'm saddened to see his struggles. but i feel like he can only help himself. i don't know. is this what detachment feels like? D is sad to me. but i don't fear it anymore. i want to stand there and say.. pitch it at me.. and all i'm going to do is take a big swing and hit it out of the park. i don't intend on being taken out of he game.

and what do i have to look forward to? cut and colour my hair next week.. overnight in birch bay w/ my sister and her kids.. trip to vegas (friends better show up!!).. a culinary food fair that my gf has media passes for.. trip to toronto to visit my bff.. camping w/ my little ones.. hmmmmmm... to make things interesting.. i fully intend on being passionately kissed by the end of the summer. will this be possible?? certainly will be fun to see! lol.

i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.


Awesome post, BF! Keep going and growing and learning and thriving!!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

Top
#2240971 - 04/26/12 01:43 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
AprilT Offline
Member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 127
Loc: Georgia
BF if you need moral support in Vegas I am there!!! Major airlines fly out of GA all the time. I love it there!

Tee hee:)

Top
#2241011 - 04/26/12 04:37 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: AprilT]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: barely floating
i'm good. i'm fine. more than fine.


I think this is my new motto!

BF, thanks for keeping us updated on your RV process. Sounds like there have been some positive things happening. You do sound pretty detached. Thank you for mentioning that love is a choice, and you can make the choice to love even if it's difficult. I forget that sometimes.
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2241942 - 05/01/12 05:25 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: RoRoinMD]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
to answer a few first..

thanks for continuing to read my posts to see where the road lead me..

SS - yes.. you are right. when i said "i deserve" H may have felt blamed. could i have said it better? probably. lol. but at the time, i said what i felt. i do feel as though i deserve to be treated better. and i didn't mean to give an ultimatum but that i didn't want to be the only one putting in the effort to end up getting hurt again. although now i feel that attending the weekend and the post sessions have really helped me find some peace and more insight.

Ad - if you can go to RV.. do it!!

April - vegas? june?? lol

ok.. RV post session #2.

H and i still attending. we are not doing the daily dialogue. kinda difficult when you're separated and not living in the same house. but, we did manage to do 3. not bad.

this week we did an exercise to discover some of our personality traits. we had to answer how we were at home and not at work. and what that showed was oftentimes, we are completely different people. we also did a values vs. ideals list. we were asked to name some of our values. and then to think about how much effort we had put into those values in the past 6 months. and lo and behold.. what did we discover?? that although we placed such high value on certain things.. we didn't necessarily put effort into it. why is that?? something to think about.

H and i are getting along. i think it's mainly because we haven't really discussed anything that would cause conflict. have to wait for the post session that deals w/ conflicting resolution before we touch that. lol.

something i thought about lately. in the beginning, i tried to dress myself up.. played w/ makeup.. wore perfume.. don't get me wrong.. i do enjoy doing those things. but it started feeling inauthentic because it's not realistic for me to do that everyday. i am a cargo pants and tee shirt sort of girl. i like my MEC sling bag.. messy hair.. mickey earrings.. i am perfectly.. imperfect. and what i've come to realize is that there is nothing wrong with that. i smell like clean soap rather than givenchy. but i feel authentic to who i am.

yes i do want H to be attracted to me. but what good does it do if he's attracted to something that i am not able to maintain?

also noticed that these days.. when H gets frustrated w/ the kids etc.. i no longer feel the need to jump in and try to smooth things over. because i feel.. only he can make that decision to find happiness in this life that we have. nothing i can say or do will convince him.

love is a choice. i choose to be here. that is my decision.

lol. this post sounds like it's all over the place. it's late.. i'm trying to catch up. smile
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2241962 - 05/01/12 09:30 AM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: barely floating]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8380
Loc: Sonoran Desert
This post shows a woman who is finding herself. It's beautiful and strong, just like you.

H always said I was a very different at home from my work persona and he was right. I showed my best self at work, not at home with those I loved. I didn't put effort into what I valued.

Thanks for sharing.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2242019 - 05/01/12 12:38 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: labug]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
BF - I like what you said about beng your authentic self. It shows a person who is self aware. I used to think I was self aware, but I really wasn't. What I was...was depressed. And that is NOT my authentic self.

For me, I did dress up when we were dating. I did wear makeup (if only occasionally). So those are things I'm trying to do again. It makes me feel better. And it's getting me back to who I really am.

Thanks for the reminder! :-)
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

Top
#2242021 - 05/01/12 12:48 PM Re: where the wind blows.. nobody knows... [Re: RoRoinMD]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
H always said I was a very different at home from my work persona and he was right. I showed my best self at work, not at home with those I loved. I didn't put effort into what I valued.

yea, me too....at least we're in good company : )
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 ... 10 11 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004