BK! i just had a visit w/ my FIL today. my FIL loves me! and thinks that i am awesome. lol.
i did get teary at one point today because he asked me how i was doing and i said fine.. and then he asked me how i was really doing. i didn't let the tears flow but he knew i was hurting and holding back tears because he took my hand.
when FIL told me how disappointed he was in H, i had a moment of clarity. i remembered reading on someone else's post (i think it was accuray posting on rick89's post) about how it wasn't our job to repair the relationship between WAS and kids but not to damage it further. and that's exactly how i felt about H and his relationship w/ his dad.
so i didn't have to hide the pain and i was myself after the initial awkwardness. and it was really nice to have my FIL there.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
D3 was sick all night Thursday while she was at my H apt. He was up all night then had a big day at work which he was exhausted for. I always think this hard life circumstances are going to spark a glimmer from my H but they seem to make him more resolved.
Right now the more together and grounded I get the stranger my H seems. We get along fine but I definitely feel a tension in the air when he is around. SOmetimes I think its sexual tension but then I convince myself thats is only my wishful thinking.
Thursday I had a really rough day at work and got chewed out by a very high up guy. It was tough. In an email to my H regarding logistics I shared that I was reamed by this guy. H didnt comment. I must say that really hurt.
It felt really lonely to have had such a tough day and I could go to the person I look to for support. Next time I am just gonna post about immediately. C'est la vie!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Sorry about your D BK and hope she is feeling better.
And sorry about your work. Same thing happened to me a week or so ago. Actually its been ongoing and I feel like my boss and his boss are really picking on me but whatever. I am trying to detach from my work environment as well, have you considered this?
My w doesn't really comment or ask either and it is amazing how our WAS can just shut us out completely.
It seems that she only communicates w/ me when she needs something so it is slowly getting easier coming to this realization.
We are here for you and miss hearing from you so please post so we can offer support.
BklynMom, I'm very new to this, so I don't really have much advice. I also haven't read all your posts, sorry.
Anyway, I just got a book called "The Solo Spouse" by Deluca (got it at amazon), and it's so good. It was recommended to me here on the board. It has a chapter about Pursuers and Distancers (most women, the author explains, are Pursuers) and the only thing to do in order to "reach" a Distancer (most often the man in the R) is to stop the pursuit. Completely. If your H is a Distancer: Don't ask him for advice (or give advice), don't seek his emotional support, don't look to him as someone to talk to. Stop all of that and/or do as little as possible with the goal of doing absolutely nothing. Again, this is from this book.
To me, this specific chapter has been such an eye-opener. I find that with my MLC spouse (who left mid-February and with whom I have a S4) it has changed the dynamics of our R. The less I do, the more he is forced to do. Perhaps this helps, it has helped me enormously to see how my ways of trying to solve things in the past have been absolutely useless.
BTW, I used to be a Brooklyn Mom too! Love Brooklyn!
Brkyln Babe - its one thing to recognize the bizarre characteristics of a MLC WAS, it's another to not get derailed by them. The only way I can see getting beyond this is to truly let go. Just accept that its just you and the kids.
After a while life gets better and the antics of the WAS do not have the same effect. You can actually start to sympathize without enablng it further.
Rick, I hear you. I cant let him effect me. Sometimes it hard.
Evas, I totally get what you are saying about not chasing him. Right now I feel like I am heading into the phase. I was dim for several months and my H claimed we should be more friendly. Now I have somewhat excepted my new reality, of me & the girls. I am trying to act like myself a little more than I was a few months ago.
As purg said in her post to me just being comfortable in my own skin.
Sometimes I will say things that are not the perfect strategy for bringing him back, but ultimitely he has to come back to the real Bkyln, not some pretend uber mother theresa DB BklynMom.
I am doing my best juggling just being me and not getting being attached to the results.
H called while I was writing this post to say good night to the girls. D3 told him she missed him and when are you coming home. H remains stoic, expresses no sadness nor seems to question WTF he is doing to his angels.
It is so clear that he is having a MLC and there is nothing I can do. I will leave it up to God
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
BklynMom, My H is the same way exactly. S4 asks H when he's coming home, and H shows NO emotions whatsoever. It's the oddest thing, esp since he was always so concerned with S and feelings and well-being of S just a couple of months ago. Bizarre.
You sound so calm and at peace with yourself (although I imagine your insides don't feel so calm)
The MLC brain is so selfish. They have a blind spot for swing anything that is a negative consequence of their actions. H and I talked about how my S6 asks about him all the time and gets sad- H just said that this is how it was going to be from now on.... Can you imagine the shock and anger that ran through me?! He doesnt even care that S6 is sad!!
Keep being your authentic self and H will either realize what he's missed, or some other guy will see how wonderful you are and sweep you off your feet!
M-31, H-31 T-9, M-7 S-6, s-20mth sep 8/1/11 ILYNILWY 11/29/11 Creating separation papers. Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12 H moves out 1.20.12
