DBing while settling finances

[needgrace]

Thank you Valeska19, your post really makes sense to me. I agree totally and will reread your words when I feel hurt and am tempted to not be the best me. Thank you.

A friend told me that maybe it was a good thing that I saw W out last night, and now I think it was. It made everything more real and cut through any illusions I might have as to what is going on with her while we are not having much contact.

Also, I am so so happy (and SHOCKED to be honest) that I have not been tempted to text or call her. Finally, I feel as if I am starting to get my feet back under me and am able to focus on my life. I went bicycling on the beach today, loving Southern California.

I wish I had posted much earlier on this journey. I lurked for awhile, read many posts and thought that was good enough. I was wrong, there is definitely much more to be learned by posting your own story and getting feedback. I encourage all to do so.

Thanks again Valeska. How is your situation going? I wish you all the best.

[needgrace]

Today my mind is going over the past week and how I handled things with my W.

Last Sunday, my W came over to clean out a closet. (I was not here.)

On Monday, we had a conversation about things she was taking on her move. (She moves out of state on April12.) She asked me if I was getting a roommate because I had cleared my desk out of one of the bedrooms. I told her I was thinking about it and was honest that I had moved the desk out to make space for a bed for my family's visit next week. (Is that too much information to give?)

She also voiced concerns for the second time about my friendships. She said she was concerned that I was being "guided" by a friend who is 16 years younger than I am. (In a weird twist of fate, she is also one of my W's exes. Lesbians are like that . We have become good friends through bicycling together.)

I explained that this friend has been really kind and caring to me and made a joke with a smiley face that since I am "controlling" how could she guide me. (I know... passive aggressive, huh?) W came back to say that it was none of her business and that she was glad that this friend was there for me.

Any thoughts on how I handled that exchange?

[needgrace]

It is alternately easy and difficult to not text or call. I guess the ups and downs are normal. When it is hard, I remind myself of the times it has been easy and also remind myself of the reasons I am not in contact now, to give her space and to allow myself to detach and grow. I guess I am giving us both space. Right now is a hard time though.

This morning, I found that the bird nest in the backyard had been disturbed and all the eggs were smashed on the ground. That made me sad and for some reason made me miss my W more.

I was tempted to email and ask her if she wanted to watch our dog while I am away this week. W is moving on April 12th. I know though that when I look at it honestly, I am attempting to manipulate and remind her of what she is leaving behind. So I will find someone else.

I miss her so much sometimes, it just hurts.

I have been GALing and had a good weekend but just felt like sharing my sadness this morning with those who understand it better than anyone. thank you.

[Cadet]

It is alternately easy and difficult to not text or call. I guess the ups and downs are normal.

YES we all cycle, continue to not call or text.

I am attempting to manipulate and remind her of what she is leaving behind. So I will find someone else.

Good Idea

I miss her so much sometimes, it just hurts.

Perfectly Normal

I have been GALing and had a good weekend but just felt like sharing my sadness this morning with those who understand it better than anyone. thank you.

No problem! Keep posting, you seem to be on the right path for now.

This is hard stuff.

[chatterbug]

You need to be there when ever she is at the place. You need to make sure that she only takes what you agreed upon. Nothing more, nothing less.

[stillhopin]

That is truly a great quote!

[needgrace]

Feeling hopeless tonight.

My W was here to pack up stuff and was angry and cold. I don't think I will see her again before she moves out of state and that makes me so very sad.

And I fell off the db wagon and asked her not to tell people that she was moving to "give me space." It made me angry that she is acting so altruistic when the truth is that she wanted to move there for her own reasons. It felt like she won't take responsibility for any of the chaos she has created.... But I should not have cared...DBing is so so hard. Is it easier for others out there? I wonder why.

It is so bizarre, it feels like she is an entirely different person, as if the person I knew has been taken over by an alien

I hate that none of this makes sense. I hate that she seems to have no recall of all of the love and good things we shared. I need to work on letting go of the need to make sense of things.

My therapist today said that my W was not able to work through things that are difficult without running away. If that is true and she does not come back, maybe it is better to learn that now instead of at a real crisis point.

When does this get easier?

[Valeska19]

DBing is difficult at first because you are so scared. Your life gets turned upside down and you FEEL like you have lost all control of your life...

... so when DB says let them go, don't pursue... it's counter-intuitive to all the feelings you have.

Because you hope that if you hold on tighter.. they may change their mind.

But the fact is.. you have already lost them.

and understanding and accepting that you have already lost them.. is an extremely hard thing to come to terms with.

It's hard in the beginning to hold back our hope or to do things w/o expecting our spouses to notice or come back...

... this does not makes us bad people... it makes us people who are scared.

Whether we are scared about what life will look without our spouse or with our spouse. Scared that we will NEVER heal, never be happy, never smile or laugh again...

whatever it is... we are just scared of the unknown.

And it isn't until we look that fear and tell it to fvck off that we truly grasp DBing.. That's when it becomes easier.

That's when we are no longer afraid to let go or make the changes. That's when are no longer afraid to love our spouse w/o fear of the outcome.

It is my belief that DBing brings out the best in all of us.. and if our spouses can't see it... well we've done everything we can.....

.... and we can move on knowing our next R will be so much better, because we took the time and put in the work to become better.

Hang in there!

((( )))

[labug]

Great post, Val, cuts right to the heart of the matter.

[needgrace]

"And it isn't until we look that fear and tell it to fvck off that we truly grasp DBing.. That's when it becomes easier.

That's when we are no longer afraid to let go or make the changes. That's when are no longer afraid to love our spouse w/o fear of the outcome."

Love this, Val, thank you. And thank you for your empathy and words of encouragement.

I got a note from my W saying that she is going to move next week out of state to spend time with her mom so that she can "take her time with making any concrete decisions." i don't know what that means and she did not explain any further.

i don't know if this is about a possible new relationship (the woman she admitted having some feelings for who i saw her with again last week) and/or if she is re-thinking filing the D papers.

I have decided not to ask. What does everyone think about this choice? I decided that I need to learn to be okay no matter what she does and thought that i should start now with this, not needing to know.... I figured if she wanted to say more to me, she would.