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jks Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Accuray

Also, if you ever get to the point where you feel I'm doing more harm than good for you, just let me know, I will not be offended.

Accuray


Honestly, please do not stop posting. It has been the only thing that has given me some direction right now. I am not offended in people telling me like it is. I get very caught up in my emotions which is totally obvious in all of my up and down posts. I just don't know where I am right now.

I'm 31 years old, living with my mom, I have three small children, I don't really have a steady income, I don't really have a steady anything. I just feel so lost. There is nothing stable for me right now. My mental state has always been an issue for me and all of this stress and pain is really more than I can bear right now.

I want to stop thinking about it, I want to let it go. But in doing so it makes me feel like I'm just ignoring the problem and pretending like it didn't ever happen. I don't know if that seems healthy... just my personal opinion.

I just looked up to this man so much. It's like his goodness has been killed.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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The book "The Solo Partner" talked about catastrophic thinking. When we get into these situations, we think things like "I'll never find love again" or "I can never be happy based on what's happened to me". When you find yourself thinking that way, you need to put the brakes on, label it for what it is, and remind yourself that things WILL get better.

At 31 years old, you're still young! Even if things don't work out you can certainly find love and happiness again. You will find another job, you will move into your own place or back with H. These things will happen, it's a matter of time. The fact that you can life with your mother is a great thing! What a luxury. Enjoy it and take the time you need to get yourself back on your feet.

No one is going to judge you for what's happened in your life. Look at this board, it happens all the time and often it happens worse. People around you don't talk about it, but if you open up about your sitch they might. You will find that others have also gone through troubles that you didn't even know about. Couples that look very happy in public are often having difficulties at home. It's part of being married and your situation is nothing to be ashamed of or feel badly about.

After I discussed my SSM issues with a few of my friends, I learned that many of them had the same issues or worse. One of my friend's wives was suffering from depression and bipolar issues and his situation got so bad that he had to make an ultimatum that she had to get help or he was leaving with the kids. We had dinner with them frequently and I didn't know anything about that.

Believe me, it's all around you. You can and will get through this and be happy again. If you go down the path of reconciliation, once you have forgiven H, and once you understand how to make the marriage successful for both of you, and KNOW that you are doing the things you need to do, then you will feel very confident in the strength of what you have, and at that point, you will NOT be tortured by these thoughts. The attitude you'll adopt is that you're a great wife and if he strays or leaves again, that will be his loss, because you're happy with yourself. When you get there, it's very liberating.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Accuray

No one is going to judge you for what's happened in your life.
Accuray


I guess I'm not really concerned about being judged. It's more a personal reflection on myself and just looking at where I'm at and how lost I am. I kinda could care less what everyone else thinks at this point. Just really disappointed in myself.

And I know what you're saying about it happening everywhere because I have talked with a lot more people about this since he has left me and it does come to the surface. Divorce was never something I ever even worried about and didn't pay much attention to. So when people were getting divorced, I thought, well that's sad. But obviously I had no idea the amount of heartbreak that goes into it.

Well, I get it now. My worst nightmare's have been a reality. My H used to always ask me long ago what my deepest fear was, and my answer was always "losing him." His was the same (losing me). I'm just amazed everyday at how I got here. It is completely insane.

Today was probably the most worthless day of my life. I think I ultimately fell asleep last night at about 4:45 am due to crying every time I laid my head down and all I could think about was them having sex. I could not get the thoughts out of my head and was so angry that I couldn't sleep because I needed to have energy for my kids today. I woke up at 7:30 to get my kids to school and because I haven't eaten much I can barely stand up without almost blacking out. So my day pretty much involved a lot of crying. Really, it was nonstop. And a lot of laying down due to my lack of energy.

My mom kept looking at me and had no idea what to do.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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I went through that too -- talk to your primary care doctor, they'll prescribe something to help you sleep and reduce the anxiety. I wish I could tell you it will pass quickly but for me it did not, it took quite a while. I was "owned" by it for a long time. One good thing I started doing was riding my road bike. I was riding 12 - 15 miles every day, some days as many as 25. It felt good to be "doing something" and the exercise definitely makes you feel better. The other thing I did was find two people I could vent with. I had to find two because I was afraid it would be too much of a burden for one. Just talking about it really helped, particularly "live" to someone who was sympathetic. One interesting thing I noticed was that the women who knew I had been cheated on were genuinely outraged whereas the men weren't that phased. I don't know why that is, but the outrage from my friends' wives definitely made me feel better.

There's no doubt about it, it's "tough sledding". All I can tell you (and keep telling you) is that you WILL feel better, and you'll come out of this stronger. I know it feels very desperate at times and you can't get it out of your mind. Feel sorry for yourself and grieve, it's ok, and get all the help you can.

I know what it feels like and it's awful. Beyond bad. I definitely would have been very gratified if W had wanted to reconcile however. In my sitch, she was pretty bent on divorcing, even after OM was done. When I hugged her or kissed her she told me it felt bad and wrong. That was not good.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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So I was talking with my mom's H about how my H has been talking a lot about the future just this week. How he was talking about the cruise and the dream house and it just seemed like he was already over his pain. He had his relief of getting caught and coming clean and now all his pain has been put on me. Does it seem a little weird to anyone that he has been so quick to talk about these things like that?

Also, he has said nothing and done nothing with putting our phone bills back together. I asked my mom if I should ask him about it and she said, no, let him show you and if he doesn't do it then you know what he really wants.

He is supposed to be talking with OW tomorrow. I have not said anything more to him about it. I feel like tomorrow is going to reveal quite a bit for me. If he doesn't follow through then I feel I have every right to question his real intent to continue with me.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Yes, that's one of the learnings here, you should *always* question your partner's intent to continue with you, but from the perspective of what are you doing to make that a good option? Taking our relationships for granted, or feeling our partner "owes us" is a cancer of marriage.

With regard to your H, he's in a panic right now, he's going to end one relationship and knows he risks losing both. He is talking so much about the future and seems to be over his grief because he wants to ensure that you'll stay around. He realizes he's at the point now where he could wind up with no one and he doesn't want that.

At the same time, as you're figuring out, his mind is not quite as made up as he's representing -- that's why it's so important to continue to work on yourself and to DB. More so that no matter what happens, you'll be OK.

You will probably get real commitment after he goes "no contact" with OW, although it's likely he'll still feel confused and torn for a while.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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Posts: 623
Do you ever think that people getting caught and fessing up feel truly sorry and ashamed at first but then after everyone knows and its not really that big of a deal anymore, they start to realize that they kinda miss that life they had and they don't mind so much going back to it?


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
My H has not contacted me at all this morning and I'm truly disgusted with him. He is supposed to be transparent with me and I have no idea what the heck is going on. A simple, hey, I texted OW and asked her to meet me at 2:00 at such and such place, just so you know... such a simple thing could be save so much drama between us. I am two seconds away from filing and I'm not kidding... he has not changed at all.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
I also found out today that OW actually moved to the same city as my H to be closer to him in Nov. She lives down the street from his parent's house!! He keeps telling me that he left me for our own marriage issues not because of her but what he can't recognize is that we had no hope from the beginning of our separation because he wouldn't break off his relationship/friendship with her. He kept comparing me to her so every time he was saying he was trying, he wasn't really. Because truly trying would have been to cut off all ties so your mind wouldn't be clouded by another woman!!

He was still hanging out with her and talking with her all the time. How in the world did he think he was going to try to save his marriage while sneaking around behind my back and continuing on with her? Honestly, they can have each other. He is not the person he once was and in my mind I don't know that he ever will be again.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
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Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Deep breath jks. It is true that H was not working on your marriage at all when he was with OW. That's the hardest part for the LBS, all our monumental efforts will do nothing when OW is involved.

At this point he's told you he wants to end it with OW, but he's having a hard time pulling the trigger. I would encourage you to continue to give him space and not push him to do things on your timeline. Do you want him to end it because he wants to, or because you "made him"?

Let him figure it out for himself.

Affairs are intoxicating -- it literally releases brain chemicals like drugs or alcohol that people quite literally get physically addicted to. It's a fantasy where they put each other on a pedestal, convince each other they are wonderful and do not see their respective weaknesses. This trance-like state typically lasts a few months, then reality starts to creep in and they start to emerge from the haze.

This was not about you, and I will bet he was not comparing you to her, regardless of what he might have said to justify his actions. Chances are, he wasn't thinking of anyone but himself and OW, beyond that he just blanked it out. He didn't do it to hurt you or to spite you, unfortunately you weren't on his landscape at all.

Know that it is also normal that once you have the opportunity to get him back, you may discover you no longer want him. This is often a backlash and a temporary feeling, so sit on it for a couple weeks before you decide anything. I strongly recommend you read "After the Affair" if you haven't looked it up already because it will help you understand what to expect in terms of how you'll be feeling and what you'll be thinking.

You can't control him at this point, things will happen on their own timeline, and extreme patience is called for -- because there is nothing you can do. Filing for divorce will just be trading one pile of troubles for another. It's expensive, and both party's standard of living *always* goes down, and your life will get permanently harder. If there is any chance at all that you can work things out with H, then you owe it to yourself and your kids to at least give it a shot. If it doesn't work out, you will feel better knowing that you at least gave it a fair chance and did what you could.

What you are feeling is normal -- you're extremely angry, let down, shocked and hurt, and impatient for things to play out. H continues to disappoint you by not acting on the timeline you set forth and/or he proposed. Know that he is having a very hard time as well, he's already hurt you very badly, he's going to hurt OW very badly, and no one wants to feel like that. Yes, he made his own bed and now he has to lay in it, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Originally Posted By: jks
He is not the person he once was and in my mind I don't know that he ever will be again.


That is true, neither of you will be the person you once were, the bell cannot be unrung. You both will be permanently changed by this no matter what happens.

Here's the thing jks, we all go through life with our issues and imperfections. Some of them make us hard to live with, some of them lead us to hurt others.

Unfortunately, people *hate* to change. From what I've read, people usually will *only* change in response to crisis. You're both having a crisis, and therefore you have motivation and an opportunity to change. Focus on you -- what can you do to address your own issues, whatever they are? If you can keep bringing it back to you, and make positive changes you are happy about, then I promise you will feel good about yourself coming out of this REGARDLESS of what H does. If he doesn't step up, it will be his loss, but you need to be that prize.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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