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thanks for answering NLW. i'm sorry to hear about what you are going through - lord knows i know exactly how you feel!

about a month ago i did sort of say that i'd like to tie up loose ends and that i didn't really want to live with his stuff right now. i pointed out that he has the luxury of setting up his house without the tiniest reminder of me while i'm still living in the space we shared together with all his stuff around me.

he's traveling for the entire month of march and so he said that he wouldn't have time to deal with it until april and i said that was fine (the whole conversation was very gentle and quiet - with him looking very pained and emotional about the whole thing - when i pointed out that it was half a year - he looked a bit surprised and said "has it already been that long?)

side vent: what the heck is he thinking, has it been already that long? the man is in full blown mlc and has NO idea the effect it's having on the rest of us!! (sorry - had to let that out!!)

now, after doing a bunch of reading on the mlc board, i've found out that it is best not to push anything, and no pressure, and so i'm a bit stumped about what to do.

on the other hand - his personality is of the type that if i don't bring it up again, he may just let it slide...

after he left on his trip - i made a major change in the house - i moved the master bedroom into the guest bedroom (he had taken the guest bed, which incidentally was our first bed together to his house), and made what used to be our bedroom into my workroom - and i love it.

i haven't quite had the nerve? to take all his stuff off the living room shelves and from around the house - part of what is stopping me is that our son would notice right away - it's too obvious - and i'm not sure if it would upset him or not - he is already struggling quite a lot with this sitch.

when we had that conversation, at first he sort of half whined and said - but i have nowhere to put all my stuff and i pointed out that there was a perfectly good garage at his house sitting empty except for the motor-bike (which i don't know if i've mentioned before, he bought with money i gifted him and the day he got the bike, met ow and started sleeping with her!!! hows that for a gift thrown back in yer face!!)

sheesh the more i think about it, the more i'm getting disgusted with him!!

probably influenced by the fact that my horoscope keeps saying for the last few days that i am tending to see life through rosy colored glasses and to watch out for being over-optimistic!!!

i hope just like you , others will respond too - i'd love to get a lot of viewpoints about this

take care NLW - i'll going to go find your thread now , if i can


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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journaling

it's quite here with son gone and everyone away for spring break.

had dinner with H's grandparents - sort of ironic - while everyone's away i take care of them. they are sweet and very old, and we adore each other. grandma wept for weeks on my shoulder when sitch first started - why won't he go to counseling - it was hard because i couldn't tell her about the A. now she doesn't ask anymore...

didn't have a very good work weekend - had planned to get alot done, maybe too much pressure on myself.

am noticing that i am definitely detaching a tiny bit more everyday - it's interesting for me to watch myself go through this process - the dilemma of trying to detach WITHOUT getting angry about the sitch and what happened during our marriage.

i try to focus on "practicing on the little stuff" - the minor things - letting them go and realizing that the more i practice on the small things not affecting me, then i will get better at the big stuff. got this wonderful insight from listening to pema chodron - her taped talks (Biting the Hook) are all about relinquishing anger and "reframing our attitudes towards discomfort"

i listening to those discs alot - repeatedly, and it's amazing how each time i do, i find myself "hearing" things that i couldn't relate to earlier, but suddenly hit home and i understand them so much more profoundly

i'm also starting to view this sitch as a positive "opportunity" for making myself a better person and feeling more positive about the challenge. there are so many things to fix within myself that some days i simply don't know where to start - but i suppose i've already started - and the process is a long one - for the rest of my life:)

pema used an interesting example - she feels great compassion for people who are struggling and unaware. "if i have the tools for understanding and making myself better, and i find it so incredibly difficult, what can those others do who don't even have the tools or the awareness - how can they even start?"

when i feel particularly wretched about this sitch i try to remember that - that while i am struggling everyday making my changes, doing all this reading, meditation and therapy and the support of my friends, i still keep struggling and slipping - so how can i expect H, who does not even know that these tools exist in the way they can help him, to be able to be self aware and understand what he is doing to harm himself and others with his actions?

i'm thinking alot about compassion tonight - it helps me to detach that little bit more...


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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just got an email from H - he's back in civilization and can skype again.

"Thanks for your email about s and for letting me know what was happening so I could fix it, I really miss him... The conference went really well and we had alot of fun .. i'll tell you about it when I return."

that's from part of the email - i think it's the first time during this sitch where he implied he was going to do something in the future with me - "i'll tell you about it when i return"

the damn thing was downright friendly!!

i had emailed him back earlier, saying that he did great with s after i had talked to him, and how s seemed so much more cheerful afterwards. also thanked him for doing a great job for the next few days with keeping s informed about when he was going to call next.

i didn't say anything about the odd behavior etc. that the therapist had told me to do last week - i feel i have to find the right moment and i will be able to say it in the right way. i guess i want to see how the next skype session goes and will go join them if he starts acting all funky.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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I'm glad that he is talking about the future with you...that's a good sign. Best wishes for you! I will pray for you! smile


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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zig, thanks for this post, this morning.

I'm struggling a bit today, woke up to a few tears. I think the fact that H is gone is always a bit more pronounced when both my sons are here. It really makes the lack of the other person that made this family apparent. It's much better than it used to be but it still hits at odd moments.

Quote:
i'm also starting to view this sitch as a positive "opportunity" for making myself a better person and feeling more positive about the challenge. there are so many things to fix within myself that some days i simply don't know where to start - but i suppose i've already started - and the process is a long one - for the rest of my life:)


Something very similar was weighing on my mind this morning as I was wool-gathering. Yes, a lot of things about me have changed but there is so much more, some that I'm probably not yet aware of.

I'm going to get the pema recordings.

Thanks.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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zig Offline OP
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thanks stephanie, but i was sort of laughing to myself a bit when i wrote that - talk about teeny tiny steps, that one has to notice as if they were HUGE.

thank you for your kind support - i wish you well too


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: labug

I'm struggling a bit today, woke up to a few tears. I think the fact that H is gone is always a bit more pronounced when both my sons are here. It really makes the lack of the other person that made this family apparent. It's much better than it used to be but it still hits at odd moments.


yes labug - i know that feeling really bad - it happens to me at dinner time, and during the week that s is with me i struggle much harder than when he's at h's.

what i'm finally learning to do is "sit with the intensity of the emotion" when it rises - finally understanding that if i just accept and allow myself to feel it and be okay with it (it's not good or bad, it just is) then amazingly it passes

i think it is the mental equivalent of breathing through the stretch while doing yoga -

also, i think it's great that you really identified specifically what you're struggling with -in fact it gave me sudden insight for myself that hey, if i just feel bad about a specific thing and only deal with that each time - instead of being triggered by one little thing and then emotionally taking on the entire sitch - there will be less to handle in the moment

hope you're feeling better by now - ((((hugs)))) and go make a "what do i have to be grateful for list" ....

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
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zig Offline OP
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got the title wrong - it's "Don't Bite the Hook"
sorry

the other one that i listen to a lot also is "from fear to fearlessness"


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Thanks, zig.

I never really understood the power of support groups until this "opportunity" came into my life.

Coming here and reading allows me to connect with those who are behind me in the process and those who are ahead of me. It helps so much to know that what we are feeling is normal and the all feelings are momentary.

Most of all, I gain perspective.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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This was on my wall on the alt today:

‎"The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so it goes away."

- Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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