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#2230626 - 03/14/12 09:38 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
my appointment with the IC went great, i think - i was so proud to tell her of what i'd done to move forward, and some of the insights i have had in the past week. she was pleased and so was i!!

i described H's odd behavior, and she was quite shocked i think and immediately told me that i had to do EVERYTHING to protect S from seeing that - even if it meant that i sit there through every minute of the skype call. she also told me to either call him or email him and tell him that the behavior needed to stop now, and it was not good for S to see that.

i know i need to do that, but i am really reluctant to - not because i want it to continue, but because i simply don't know how to refer to it without implying that something is wrong with him.

i may have a reprieve today - he is traveling and has already told s that he may not be able to call today. so i am going to stay still and meditate and wait for my mind to give me the answers i need.
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2230629 - 03/14/12 09:41 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i did some more reading from the mlc archives - and oh my gosh - if only i had read that months ago - i would have not taken all his behavior so personally and let it hurt me so much.

but on the other hand - it propelled me to make some huge changes within myself, so maybe i had to go through it to get where i am now.

to understand that i am dealing with a child, and just like i wouldn't expect a child to do or behave in an adult way, to apply the same attitude to him, makes it so much easier for me to handle.

i read that a person in mlc while they are in the replay stage are really reliving and resolving issues from a certain stage/age in their childhood - a lot of what he's said and done completely fits into that. and in understanding where he is right now, i suddenly see the fruitlessness of expecting anything.

so my "expectations" are suddenly gone - and that is a huge relief

i can still have hope, but this new knowledge has really helped me to separate from his situation and see so clearly that he is in a way rather helpless right now and has been for a long while.

my job is to move forward and live my life as if he's not coming back, BUT still be compassionate and supportive and kind and understanding and not to reject him.

in the writing it is really clear that they are dealing with some sort of childhood trauma or rejection, and if you reject them now, you solidify the break. ( i believe i know partly what happened when he was a child - and that this is what he is dealing with - he has been more transparent than he realizes)

and finally i understand about why not to believe 100% of what they say and 50% of what they do.

they have to feel their way back somehow - and you know, as i look at the last few weeks, i think that may be just starting to happen - just the tiniest bit - there have been small changes - he's gone to hang out with his family more, he seems to want to fiX things with S (he made the appointment with the counselor ) , apparently they start making small moves like that and the spouse is the last person they move towards

don't get me wrong - i'm not having expectations at all - just noticing the small baby steps and realizing that if and when i see them, i have to be extra careful and still so that i don't get too excited and cause him to withdraw again.
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2230805 - 03/15/12 01:46 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
teetering alot - yesterday evening was difficult, but i managed to get myself to a sort of good place again.

woke up this morning really out of sorts with this sitch and struggled for a couple of hours, but now feel a bit centered

this obsessing and letting go - i'm so sick of feeling my own resistance to it - and i think i'm getting a bit mad at myself for not just doing it.

GAL for today coming up - s's school has organized a skate party this evening - am going to try and skate for the first time since i was around 10. scary proposition - but am going to try!!

on the one hand, my old dysfunctional behaviors are rearing their ugly head and saying no, no don't go just send s with friends and the new me that is trying so desperately to emerge is saying yes yes what have you got to lose, go have some fun and lose yourself in something different for a couple of hours
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2230823 - 03/15/12 02:15 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9301
Loc: Sonoran Desert
One of my 180s or GALS was to say Yes more. I, too, fell into the it's so much easier to just stay home trap.

Get out of the d*mn house and have some fun!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2230894 - 03/15/12 05:16 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
thanks labug - i have really been doing that all these months with great enthusiasm, but this current "slump" i'm in has made me hang back in my mind again - i'm still going to force myself to do it and act as if..

and i know once we get there i'll have a great time - hope i just don't fall on my ass too many times - though - just like in this sitch, i'll get up and keep going
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2231124 - 03/16/12 12:41 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
ooh what a great 180 i did for myself yesterday!!! i went skating- it was very exciting - and my friends who have watched me struggle these last years so much were thrilled.

i was thrilled - after a rocky start - i was soon skating quite decently and was even good enough to take s around holding his hand and keeping him up .

and 4 whole hours went by without really thinking or even considering "that person" and it was so very liberating.

s left this morning with in-laws for a 5 day trip - they've been wanting to take him away to give him a break, and so i get 5 days to really focus on work and get things rolling. i will be a bit isolated, since it's spring break and it seems like everyone is taking off for the next week or so, so it does feel rather odd to be completely alone!!

but it will be a "good" alone - i am going to keep a strict schedule - yoga, meditation and work - would like to add socialize but there isn't going to be anyone i know around - maybe i'll do a 180 and go out to dinner on my own or something similar
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2231303 - 03/16/12 11:58 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
for my journal - this is from an astrology site that i follow that gives influences over periods of time. it is so apt for my situation now, that i am writing it here for myself as well as for others to read


[i"]... the border between discipline and habit is often hard to distinguish, but that is precisely the difference that you have to keep in mind at this time..

Habit is mindless and unconscious, whereas discipline is self-imposed and suited to achieving your goals.

..Take this time seriously and be very aware of what you are doing, because the patterns that you will establish now will be very hard to alter and will determine the success or failure of your relationships over the next several years..

This is a period when discipline, organization and growth are paramount concerns..

..If you don't handle this influence well, you will have considerable difficulty with your relationships in the years to come. And these difficulties will be the result of unfortunate patterns established here.."[/i]
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2231563 - 03/18/12 03:13 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9301
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Wow, did you print it out and hang it on your mirror?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she
could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful
~Terri St. Cloud

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#2231577 - 03/18/12 06:16 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: labug]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
i carry it on a piece of paper in my pocket and read it several times a day. i find that parts of it just pop into my head throughout the day.

i've been doing that for months -writing things that encourage me and carrying it around - it's still hard in spite of that.

today is a bit difficult - can't focus - am very tired from pushing hard to work this week - and that makes my brain overwhelmed and then the whole picture seems much harder to kepp positive.

tried to work this morning, but everything shot to hell and have to redo. so decided to take a break and do some reading

i have a question - how many of you after spouse walked out and is having an affair 7 months down the road, still find that he's left most of his stuff in your house?

did you insist he separates and takes his stuff, or is that just pushing and not giving them space and time?
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


Top
#2231619 - 03/18/12 10:47 PM Re: am i on the right track??? part 2 [Re: zig]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1312
Hey Zig,

I'm one - my H walked out 7 mths ago and is in an A.

He still has his wardrobe full of clothes here. Even has his favourite cap still perched on the valet in our bedroom. Not to mention all his gear in the garage.

He's bought himself a heap of new clothes - some exact replicas of the stuff that's sitting in his wardrobe here.

Make sense of that?

I've thought about asking him to take it - but it's mainly motivated by the hope that it will be difficult for him to find a place to store it all.
Not really something that's going to help my M.

I'm also unclear about what to do for the best, so looking forward to other views.

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