taking the time to watch the wave

[sayitaintso]

I've found that when I go thru those almost unbearable painful times, I come out with a different level of acceptance.

I think I have begun to notice this as well. As much as it hurts and is evolving away from our long term goal of R the toughest times cause us to grow the most.

I feel for every one of us suffering out here and hope one way or another we can all find the peace and happiness we desire and deserve.

[Quorumof1]

I'm new to the forum, so new that my initial post hasn't been cleared from moderation yet. At least I don't think it has. But I've been reading here for several weeks (in some ways it already feels like months which it has not been).

BF, I've followed your thread for the past week and I think you have been incredibly strong in light of what you've faced. I cannot say I understand because I am going through a very different situation.

Regardless, I empathize and am taking strength from how you are dealing with your adversity. I think, rightly or wrongly, that you have your focus in the right place and that is on YOU. We cannot make someone else see/feel what we do.

Not sure what more to say, other than I expect that there are others like me who read your thread and take strength, far more than actually post in it. You have had many of the regulars respond, but those of us on the outside see you as well.

Keep your chin up.

Q1

[BFloat]

tonight.. despite the mayhem of the kids in the house.. i feel acutely alone.

i cut the trip short and started home yesterday afternoon. didn't get home until about 2030. when we were home, H asked if i wanted him to get our bags but i said no and got them myself. i really just didn't want anything from him. and then i went upstairs and just hung out.. avoiding contact w/ him. i put the kids to bed and remained upstairs. H txted asking if everything was ok. and then he went upstairs and said goodnight to the kids and then said "see ya" to me and left. i didn't go downstairs like i usually would to lock the door.

the house is a mess. i'm cleaning and doing laundry.. i just feel so overwhelmed thinking that i will be doing this all myself for years to come.

H txted earlier today asking if i had a library card because he was thinking of going to access the internet. it seems like such a ridiculous question because why can't he just get his own card?? he has been looking for a second job in order to pay for his own place. said that he had messaged this guy asking for anything..

he doesn't want to be married. but the single life of working 2 jobs.. even crappy ones.. is better than being with me. wow. there's really nothing left to say.

[hopeless in wa]

Hi Barely, sorry you are having a bad nite. Jeez, what is wrong with him??? Maybe after "living" the 2 jobs will make him rethink. Give it some time. That's what I'm going to do. Don't think of the future, you don't really know that's how its going to be. Anyone on this board who knows you, knows how special you are. He's nuts not to see it!!

[hopeless in wa]

Don't see my post or yours, just quorums??

[labug]

Hey bf, I've felt the same way many times in the past but now I know that it's the stuff they aren't willing to look at that took them away.

[Quorumof1]

tonight.. despite the mayhem of the kids in the house.. i feel acutely alone.

....

he doesn't want to be married. but the single life of working 2 jobs.. even crappy ones.. is better than being with me. wow. there's really nothing left to say.

Hi Barely,

I'm sorry you had a bad day, and I hope today is better. Some days will not be as good as others, I know, trite but true.

As others have stated, keep looking forward. Right this minute your H is in a headspace that isn't productive for you so you just need to let him be what he is and keep doing your thing!

From reading your posts, you have a great outlook, have great kids and you get to live in beautiful Vancouver and spend time on the island. I'm jealous. I grew up on the island but live on the other side of the rockies now. Further, it has been snowing the past couple of days (not sticking but still).

So, keep your stick on the ice and go to it!

That's about the best pep talk I got, probably won't' ever make it as a motivational speaker but know there are a lot of people here who are with you.

Q1

[hopeless in wa]

Hi barely, wasn't it beautiful today. I think I got a little sunburned! Hope you are doing ok.

[rickb89]

Hey bf, I've felt the same way many times in the past but now I know that it's the stuff they aren't willing to look at that took them away.

So sadly true bugsy

[BFloat]

quorum - "keep your stick on the ice and go to it!". i really like that. spoken like a true canadian! and it's really what i need to do. keep my head in the game.. don't get called for any penalties.. and maybe.. just maybe.. i'll be able to get a goal in here and there.

bugsy - i think you're very right. it feels as though H has not really looked at things. when we've had our R talks.. he can never pinpoint (or rather he maybe chooses not to) what it is about M that he seems so against. or maybe he's just against me? i don't know.

i am so very tired. 2 trips w/ the kids done. we had friends over on the weekend. of course that was chaotic.. but in a nice sort of way.. and now on my second night shift. i am beat. being a single parent is extremely challenging.

but i'm doing ok. not great. but ok. i sort of bobbled in and out of the water there for a little bit. but the thing that always keeps me going.. is the well being of my little ones.

i have been going as dark as possible w/ H. i just don't want to get into it. i'm tired.. and the emotional roller coaster wears me out!

today i had a phone call from a number i didn't recognize. when i checked my messages.. it was the people from retrouvaille calling to do the phone interview. i was a little thrown off because it's becoming very real.. this weekend. it's 3 weeks away and there is still the chance we won't make it there. also, after all that has happened between us.. i wonder if there's even anything left to repair. H is intent on ending things.. and i am unsure whether i will ever be able to trust or forgive if we chose to R. but i guess that's neither here nor there.

i spoke w/ FIL over the weekend to ask him about watching kids for the weekend of retrouvaille. and FIL is coming by on wednesday to see the kids. i also wanted to speak w/ him about the weekend. actually, i'm not quite sure if i'll say anything. but it'll be nice for the kids to see him.. plus it was his bday today.

today my kids wanted to climb into my lap and cuddle. and i had a chance to tell them both how much i love them. and when their little arms hug back.. it's such a great feeling. when i put the kids to bed last night, D didn't want me to leave. she wrapped her arm around mine and wouldn't let go. so very cute. H is missing out on a lot.

how to GAL this week. cleaning! i am determined to find those darn sliding things that go under the big furniture that makes it magically easy to push things by yourself!! i want to do it all myself rather than relying on H to do it. a 180?