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Time marches on, doesn't it? It sounds like you've really mastered that little concept know as GAL. Good for you?

Have you given any thought to really going dark on your W? At least as much as you can considering the kids, etc. I mean, she sounds miserable and probably is. Do you ever think that if she really felt the separation in a more material way then she does currently that it might help to wake her up?

Anyway, just something to think about.

Take care!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Other than the kids I pretty much am dark. Of course the devil is in the details... how much I choose to be related to the kids.

On a week where it's my weekend with my son I usually don't talk to her for four or five days straight. Unless my son decides he wants to call her, stop by on a bike ride, or whatever. I used to discourage him from asking to do that, but I could see that this made him feel conflicted so I just roll with it. I did put my foot down though on spending $100 on her for mother's day as he wanted smile I gave him $10 instead.

On a week where it's her weekend the contact is fairly frequent because of the kids. Volunteer stuff on Saturday with SS. Church on Sunday with S. Sometimes Friday night movies with all of them.

And then during the week the contact typically only happens if I'm spending time with the kids while she works.

Outside of that we don't talk or communicate. What I still struggle with though is this scenario... I am with the kids because she is working. At 7:30 or so I take them over to her house and put S and SD to bed. A little later SS goes to bed. About 30 minutes after that W gets home. I grab my stuff and meet her in her kitchen. I give her a rundown of kid-stuff (homework, school info, etc...) and touch base on other kid-stuff (appointments, events, etc...). It's usually in here somewhere that she begins going into her life. I redirect her back into kid-stuff, but she'll wander back into her life. Once I actually get through all the kid stuff I tell her I have to get going and I leave. In all it's probably 5-10 minutes of interaction.

That remains the biggest piece in all this. To go truly dark I would have to stop watching the kids while she works. The emotional piece of that cutoff would be dramatic, I'm quite sure. The fiscal implications would be daunting as well. It's sort of the "nuclear option" as it were.

But while she would get hit hard by that so would my relationship with SS and SD. And I understand that it could turn her around and then I would get to have my full-time R with SS and SD back. But it could also go completely the other way and I lose all contact with them. I guess right now I'm following the more risk-adverse strategy.

As far as what would help her wake up... I don't think really anything will; not right now at least. She's on this "self-discovery" journey. Call it "finding yourself", mid-life crisis, or whatever... until it's run its course I don't see her waking up. And I don't think waking up is even the right term... that infers that she's asleep and simply needs to "wake up and come to her senses."

But that's not it... she first has to figure out what she values. She doesn't even know that right now. She has to find what makes her happy. She doesn't know that either. Moving out and being independent was going to do that... it hasn't... and I believe that's a big source of her unhappiness.

But that doesn't mean being with me is a source of happiness.

Things I have noticed... when we are together she laughs at my jokes again. My dry humor is funny to her again where it wasn't before. She thanks me for things that she never did before.

Small things, but that's what it is for now I guess.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Posts: 9,676
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What if you left a list of those things you usually tell her? With her difficulty in remembering things, that might be best anyway and it might also preclude her going into her life problems with you.

Just a thought.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Bug, I was thinking the same thing. If there is time to list out the kid stuff before she gets home. Do it and then make a swift getaway.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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I actually do... I have a list written down with the relevant details. I started doing this because I got tired of her forgetting that we had discussed x or y, and because it is a lot to get tossed at you when you get home from a 12 hour shift.

It has helped to a degree. I can hand her the list now and we go down the items together. When done I leave. It's just getting the list done each time that doesn't always happen. And sometimes the details are too extensive to reasonably put down in writing or are simply easier to convey orally. Some nights are quiet and orderly, others are crazy and busy as life with kids happens to be. Tonight will be one of those crazy, busy nights.

It's hard to explain, but here's a sample of how this goes some times (this from last week). I took S to the dentist for his first check-up. He has two small cavities and a "fused tooth". The fused tooth thing is too complicated to write out (80% of human communication is non-verbal remember). So when she gets home I tell her of the dental visit. I tell her of the cavities and that I scheduled an appointment in two weeks. Cost to each of us will be $45. And right here is where it goes off the tracks....

this is the point where she frowns and, in this case, asked if we really had to get them filled right now. That she doesn't have the money to pay her half right now. That things are so expensive, the kids eat so much, etc.... if I let her go on she'd go half an hour.

In this case I simply stood firm and said that the cavities had to be filled. I reminded her of SS's teeth and how untreated baby teeth cavities (from before we lived together) cost us thousands of dollars (which I paid when we first lived together). I understand money is tight but it's just something that has to be done. I reminded her she has a flex-spending account for just this sort of thing and that I was willing to pay the dentist and if she wanted me to wait to cash her check until that deposit arrived (usually takes 2-3 days) I would be willing to do that.

Then I left.

Part of this is also just me getting better at cutting her off. That just sounds very easy but in practice is harder than it sounds.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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I just wanted to post some reflections as well as simply updates...

I find myself wondering how things would ever work if my W and I recon. I feel guilty at times for feeling this way, but in all honesty I've come to enjoy my days where I am my own person. My weekends where it's just me. My Monday and Tuesday nights where I'm only responsible for me. I can do what I want, eat what I want, get done what I want.

Don't get me wrong... I miss my kids terribly. While I love my quiet house Tuesday I still miss seeing my son first thing on Wednesday morning. And Wednesday afternoons are the best day of the week because I get to pick my son up from school. This summer I'll get to have all the kids at my house all day while I work from home and they are off from school.

But when W and I were together I was the ultimate caretaker. I took care of everything and all the time. I almost never had a moment alone. Even when I had something where kids couldn't be (like a board meeting) I was scrambling to find child care to keep my W happy. Don't ask me why I was that way... that's a whole other question.

But I LIKE this new found freedom. I LIKE not constantly being broke. I LIKE not having the sharp/aggressive/mean version of W on me for whatever aspect of her life isn't right and I am owning (this isn't that my W directed it at me... just that she would be angry at life and I would own that as my problem).

And all this makes me feel guilty at times. I realize this is what other adults have had, even with their families intact, because they act as partners. I lament what I've missed and lament what I'm missing. At the same time I don't know how we'd glue things back if it ever gets there.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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How is she with email? I'm wondering if you can email her the list the next day or follow up with a phone call. Then at least she's not getting the comfort of having you at home when she gets home from a days work telling her everything and in her mind getting to talk about her problems.

Maybe you should stop the movie nights as well. I know you want to spend as much with the kids as possible but it shouldn't be joint time with her.

I'm only this because I was a WAW and everything was great when I had him to do all the stuff I wanted and got the benefits of a quasi spouse (ie he was there to talk, to give me advice, to support me emotionally, etc) and I was still free to do all the stuff I wanted.

Also if she starts going off path in the convo just say "sorry, but can I tell you this stuff because I've got something to do/have to be up early tomorrow/meeting someone." Something to say hey, I've got a life outside of being a dad.

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There's no movie nights with her... those are just the kids and I. Really we don't share much time together with the kids at all. Dinner the other night was the first time since SD's birthday last April that we spent time together with the kids (other than pick up/drop off). She invited me to a school-related fun event this week with her and the kids but I had to decline due to a school board meeting.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 77
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I really LIKE that you LIKE your new found freedom. Sure, it is tough being away from our kids, I know that so well. But my WAW was a bitch to live with for the last few months, all sneering, rolled eyes and superior attitude. I don't miss that at all, really LIKE not having to deal with it. Since we have stopped MC, I LIKE not having the knife twisted in my gut every other week. You should not feel guilty.

Your worry on how to put it back together again, cross that bridge if and when you come to it. In my situation I can certainly see difficulties, but if my W decides to come back for the right reasons, we can overcome the raw spots and dance again.


M 53, W 48
T 25, M 18
S 15, D 11
"I'me done!" 6/13/2010
Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY
W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed
Separated 1/16/2012
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Thanks UK... curious, has your W filed any papers?


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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