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WHG...

Ive been reading your post since you started and have always been impressed with your abilities as a father.

I gotta tell you that I am the most impressed at your relationship with you SS and SD. My STBXH has had no contact at all with his 2 SSs since the day he dropped the bomb, 7 months ago. Two boys that he raised as his own for 19yrs and he absolutely just disapeared and hasnt looked back. It takes a special kind of man to keep a relationship going with kids that society says "arent yours" but obviousely you dont believe that.

Those kids must think your pretty awesome for that!!..:)


Me:48 H:42
M: 18 yrs.
S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H
D bomb: 9/9/11
OW confirmed 10/30/11
D papers filed 11/01/11
S15 S21(Special needs) S28

Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
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Thx ITM... I grew up in a household where we loved and cared for lots of kids, so in part it comes naturally I think. At any given time we had 7-8 foster kids living in our house (I was the only non-foster kid) and all of them had histories of serious abuse, neglect, and mental health issues (so is it any wonder I'm a fixer??). I learned from my mom that all kids deserve love, it really doesn't cost anything to give it, and there's not enough of it to go around.

Had SS and SD over this morning as W had to work a nightshift. Their dad dropped them by. I feel for them... this is the first time this has occurred, where their dad has dropped them at my house on a school morning (this happens 2-3 times a week @ w's house). I feel for them because I could see how tired and exhausted they were. They both laid on the couch and chair and slept for an hour while I got ready and could take them to school. It was good to see them but sad to see how it is for them.

Ended up talking with my W tonight to make plans for SD's birthday. Same drill as S's birthday. Split the cost 50/50 and the presents. When she called I let it go to voice mail. She left me this ambiguous "call me back so we can sort out some stuff". I figured it was going to be a D talk... but no, just birthday stuff.

Found out yesterday I need a root canal... bleh... I hate dentists. But at least maybe my tooth will stop hurting finally. But on the upside my new Star Wars XBox 360 came today... having extra money is cool. I never had any when we lived together because W spent most of it and I didn't have the balls to stand up to her until near the very end. Plus running a house with me and six year old is a lot less expensive than a family of five!


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Posts: 951
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You sound great Whg!!

The back and forth sounds tough on SS and SD. My kids go back and forth almost every day and it definitely affects them but my w is only a few miles away.

I also need a root canal and HATE the dentist. I've been putting it off but my tooth is killing me now.

Glad to hear an update from you.

Best!!


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Lately I don't really know how I feel... it's been an strange couple of days. I feel sort of numb. I'm angry with my W and still hurt. I don't feel like I'm "pining" for her or waiting for her. At the same time I don't feel like I'm living my life. Though I am... my GAL is more than ever. W mentioned/complained today that I seem to travel more now than I have in the past... and I do because I'm not worried about pissing her off with my travel. I just don't know how I feel I guess.

Spent the weekend with my S. He loves the new Star Wars XBox game so we did a bunch of that. But we also worked on our garden, took walks, and saw grandma.

My interactions with my W have been odd. Last week she called me to discuss SD's birthday. I can't explain it but it wasn't a normal conversation. She told me about chaperoning S's museum trip with her class. Part of me wonders if I'm reading things that aren't there, but part of me felt the convo as different. When she called I told her I was busy and asked if she could call back later. She agreed. No anger or frustration, which would be usual for her. She even asked about the quote for replacing the roof which she knows is something I've been very worried about. Anyway, I can't find words to explain it but it was a different convo. She wanted to do SD's birthday on Saturday. I told her I had GAL plans and since I had asked her, repeatedly, for details and hadn't gotten them I made plans. She got angry at this and wanted me to change plans. I refused. We finally settled on Sunday for the birthday party.

Then the next day I get a text saying she's printing off the divorce stuff and wants to know if there were any Word docs. Yes, there were.. the ones I've sent her three times now. I tell her I'm busy and will re-send them when I have a chance. And so part of me sees this as the pulling away after the unusual convo the previous days.

Then the next day, Sunday, I get a text from her as I'm putting S to bed. I ignore it. Then I get a call. I let it go to voice mail. Then the doorbell rings. I go downstairs and there she is. I had locked the screen door against the wind so she couldn't get in. I guess I should've expected it to be her but I didn't. I was actually shocked. She has never dropped by unannounced before. She asks if S is in bed yet and I tell her I'm just putting him down. She asks if she can say goodnight to him quick since she was in the area (her best friend lives a block away). I tell her ok and we go upstairs. S is thrilled to see her.

Now before someone tasks me to task... in hindsight I don't think I should've let her in. But honestly I was so shocked she was standing there that my brain didn't even click in until we were walking into my S's room. She has never just shown up. I don't know why she did it and I didn't ask. It had been many days since she saw any of the kids and she was on vacation so she had time on her hands to miss them. Perhaps that was it. I don't know.

Today we went shopping for SD's presents as we had agreed to do. Again with the push/pull. We talked about lots of things, but never the divorce, mainly the kids. She was very sick, again, and complained about how all the stress in her life makes her sick so often.

Thursday was when she called about SD's birthday and it was at my request. Prior to that I hadn't talked, texted, or seen her for almost a week. Then it's been her reaching out somehow almost every day since. This hot and cold thing is awkward to handle.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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Letting her in to see your son was the right thing to do. She is the mother after all. You would want her to do the same for you. Everything else was good. Great job.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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So I had an interesting conversation with someone last night. They asked how things were going and how I was doing. Asked if there was any movement or "thawing" on my W's behalf. I said I really didn't know. Things don't seem all that different, though these push/pull behavior keep happening. That my W still seems confused and lost, not just about our M but about everything.

Then this person asked if I had started dating or looking to date. I said no, not really. And then they replied "oh, still waiting around for her, huh?"

And that's what made me start thinking. I don't know if I am waiting around for her. My visceral reaction was no. I replied that I've certainly toyed with the idea, but any time I look at a personals site or flirt back with anyone I just get... tired. This overwhelming sense of exhaustion comes over me. Like.. I just don't have the energy to do it.

I told this person that I'm just working on being a single dad, a single stepdadish person, and a single guy. Quite frankly that's enough right now. Most days I pass out at the end of the day from everything and the stress.

But the comment has nagged at me all day. Am I waiting for her? I mean I guess I am, right? Is the absence of dating or looking for the next relationship equal waiting? Is that the default?

I do want my W back, with conditions. I'm not ready to shut the hatch and blast off. Maybe if we didn't have a S together I would be ready to do that, but I know how badly my S wants his mom and dad together. He's doing well, very well all things considered, but that doesn't mean he likes it or doesn't want his family back together.

So it still eats at me. I feel like if I truly am waiting then that's not a good place to be. It allows her to be in the driver's seat. But I also don't know that I agree with the concept that not actively seeking the next relationship equates into waiting for the last one to reconcile.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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Ended up a blubbering mess last night... thankfully no one around really to see it. S saw me get sad but not distraught. And it's not even W related.

SD had her fourth grade concert last night. W had to work and it was SD's night with her dad so he took her. I went though and took S. I told my S that SD is family and going to things like concerts is what family does. My mom came too so it was the three of us. We didn't sit with SD's dad. I didn't see him though I didn't look too hard either smile

SD did great. She had a solo (in Japanese) and a speaking role. As we were leaving S wanted to find her and give her a hug and tell her she did great (he really looks up to his big sister). But there were so many people we never found her. Her dad isn't the hang around type anyway and by the time we made it through the throngs there was no sign of her.

S was very sad. As we got into the car I suggested that we send SD a text message, and that S could tell me what he wanted it to say and I'd type it. He thought that was a good idea.

So I pull my phone out (which had been on silent due to the concert) and see I have a waiting text message. It's from SD and says, "Thanks for coming tonight. See you in the morning!" And then for some reason I lost it. I even tear up now typing this.

Just frustrated that she even has to send that message. Before this she would've come home with us, to our house. Anyway, I replied and then sent S's text message too. I was touched that she sent me a message. But it still broke my heart that she had to.


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 982
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Eh... crappy day emotionally... W worked a night shift last night. So this morning I had to get up early for some GAL on the other side of the state. As I'm heading across the state I get am email from her about how she's printing off the divorce paperwork and has a couple questions. How she wants us to find a date in a few weeks to do the signing so she can file. Bleh. Brings up a crapstorm of emotions and pain. Ended up crying. Thankfully I had a two hour drive to get it out of my system.

I guess the upside is that it didn't really rain on my GAL. I was able to put it out of my head for the most part.

It's just the immediacy of it I guess. On the upside the words of 25 and others kept running through my head... it' just a step in the process... it's never too late until they say "I do" to someone else... and my own words to others... it's just a piece of paper, just a legal confirmation of the emotional state of things... It's just filing, not the actual decree yet.

But it still suxx.

And tomorrow I have to spend the mid-morning with her at SD's birthday party. Guess I'll have to act "as if".


Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
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