Keeping the Kids Out of It

[evas]

PrincessP,
This is my first post. I'm in a very similar situation. My husband let me know there was someone else (actually he actually texted me a mssg meant for her) on February 7, and moved out February 15. I have no idea where he is, all I know is that he is somewhere in NYC. He left me and our S4 and seems to have no feelings of regret or guilt or anything. He said he wants to go where the wind takes him and is tired of paying bills. Very MLC. And I might add that we both work full time, though while I love my job he hates his (something that bothers him). He's had depression problems for a long time, but this time it is all MY fault. Like he wants to punish me, but in reality the one who gets punished the most is our son. When I cry it is really on behalf of my son (and I would NEVER cry in front of H). I've been DBing for perhaps 3 weeks, seriously for the past week following a telephone consultation. I have moments when I feel I am going insane (our finances aren't the best), moments when I am hopeful, and moments when I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I'm from Europe and am seriously thinking about moving home w my child. Oh, I fear this is going to take a LOOONG time.

[PrincessP]

For the ladies in DB, have you read "Getting Through To the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women" by Michele? Is it helpful to read if the W is the LBS?

[Cadet]

PrincessP,
This is my first post. I'm in a very similar situation. My husband let me know there was someone else (actually he actually texted me a mssg meant for her) on February 7, and moved out February 15. I have no idea where he is, all I know is that he is somewhere in NYC. He left me and our S4 and seems to have no feelings of regret or guilt or anything. He said he wants to go where the wind takes him and is tired of paying bills. Very MLC. And I might add that we both work full time, though while I love my job he hates his (something that bothers him). He's had depression problems for a long time, but this time it is all MY fault. Like he wants to punish me, but in reality the one who gets punished the most is our son. When I cry it is really on behalf of my son (and I would NEVER cry in front of H). I've been DBing for perhaps 3 weeks, seriously for the past week following a telephone consultation. I have moments when I feel I am going insane (our finances aren't the best), moments when I am hopeful, and moments when I wonder if I can ever forgive him. I'm from Europe and am seriously thinking about moving home w my child. Oh, I fear this is going to take a LOOONG time.

evas start your own thread so we can give you your own advice

[PrincessP]

Evas,

Wow, are out stories are strikingly similar with a few variances. I technically do not know about the OW. I only know through our D3, having met her on three occasions/dates. I am making educated guesses with receipts for dinners, etc. and of course, the nagging question of where is he living without spending money on rent…with someone. I suspect he is the next county over in Northern NJ. (Hey, you and I might be in the same area in addition to the same situation.) I have been DBing for a few short weeks too. I understand it feels like an eternity already. I look at our D3 (tomorrow is her bday, turning 4) and I feel sick to my stomach for her; I wish there is something I could do to make her not suffer. I want to scream from the top of my lungs at my H to come home and be the man, husband and father he can be. Like you, everything is my fault and I am the “bad guy.” So far my 180s have been to look my best, be disarmingly nice to my H, and be the best mom. They sound like tall orders and they are but each one has a stash of mini 180s in them. For example, the looking good, I have started curling my hair; wearing eye make-up; pulling out my old clothes to wear (which fit from losing weight…couldn’t eat for weeks after H left); and wearing my favorite lingerie (for myself.) What are you doing?

PrincessP

[PrincessP]

I’m on DB a lot today – sometimes I get bogged down at work and don’t always have the time to write a thoughtful post. I still peruse the other forums for my own research. Is there an example, preferably a success story or even some positive news, about a DBer who came back from/coming back from being the LSD spouse and working on personality flaws? I feel that many of the anecdotes tend to hone in on one major problem/issue and not have more about the complexity of the situations. My H told me a lot of things he could not tolerate from me anymore when he left.

I am trying to be more outgoing, positive, attractive (in physical upkeep), and convey a level of sexuality. I like it, and am feeling more (on many levels) but sadly there is no one to share those feelings or sensations with.

[evas]

PrincessP,
I've lost a lot of weight (by default really, because I had no appetite in the first weeks of this mess), I've changed how I dress, I work out. I'm not asking any questions, I am not telling H about anything that's going on in my life (not that he'd ask anyway), I never call or text, and I sometimes don't answer calls or texts either and when I do I set a timer for over an hour before I respond, which I usually do with less than 3 words if possible. When H comes over, I act upbeat and happy and we laugh, but I make sure I always leave the room or the conversation first and I try to do so when it's at peak (ie when we are laughing or having a good time with S). I try to not take his baits, I don't answer questions that are loaded, but remain silent. I feel that when I leave the room/apt when he actually wants me to stay, it pisses him off but he can't point his finger at me, because I am not angry or sad or accusative (he wishes I were, I can feel that). It's like a game. I don't know, but right now I feel I can give this MLC and affair over the summer, and then I will see how I feel and what's going on and take another decision then. If I do my part, the OW will hopefully look bad (because H wants to spend a lot of time with S and I suppose at some time it will make her more demanding of his time and affection). And demanding of him I will NOT be. It's not easy (esp. since I DO depend on him for $$), but whatever the outcome, I try to remember that this is not MY crisis, it is HIS - although it spills over into my and our son's life. I have to just try to make sure my own little private boat is watertight enough for the ride and that I am moving on no matter what. The truth is that I am in a better place than H is. I'm lucky because I am not particularly interested in the OW and I am not very jealous by nature. Oh, I also try to take this painful time as a time for introspection, this is a lesson to learn from. I'm very impatient, so this is a great time for me to learn to be patient and to learn to SHUT UP. What a long, rambling post! Are you far from NYC? We could have an MLC get together with the kids.

[PrincessP]

Sounds like you and I are on the same "diet." It's our D's birthday weekend so we are hanging out all together for her; she wants nothing more than Mommy and Daddy with her. I don't blame her one bit. I'm trying to look my best. H wanted to know what my plans are since I am dressed and wearing make-up (a 180 from my usual weekend look.) Someone very close to me who has been in my shoes has given me some great advice and it's more or less on par with MDW's advice. She says I sound more positive all the time. H wants fantasy woman - intelligent, funny, cook, maid, SupeMom, and sex kitten. At least I can look all those things even if I don't feel it all the time.

Over the last few weeks I am really starting to see where we went wrong in our M and what I did to contribute to that situation. No more, I am done with that! I would have walked away from me too. I am going to live a life that keeps me, my child and hopefully one day my H fulfilled and feeling loved.

He is noticing my 180s now and then. Maybe he even wonders what is going on. He knows me well enough though I do worry if he wonders about the reason, meaning does he think these are genuine changes or lures to get him back. Only time will tell so I have to be patient.


I'm right in Bergen County. You, NJ, NY or CT?

[evas]

PP,
Good for you! I've also thought a lot about our R, and I know I have taken H for granted, I know we've both worked too much, and spent whatever time we've had together always with S. Never any time just the two of us. I also realize that I've been like his mom, always coming with advice and so on. I am perfectly aware that I've done my share of baddies. But I am willing to change that, I really am willing to work, and hard, for this M. It pains me that he just walked out so quickly when there's a child involved. And he really loves his S, they are very close.

Everyone sees how I've changed, so I am sure H sees it, too, but he doesn't comment. Funny thing everyone says I look so wonderful and happy - if only they knew...

He was here today, took S to a bday party and hung out here afterwards. We sat down and talked about little things (not about R or future or OW or where he's staying obviously). My DB is to act happy but a bit distracted, and to leave the room when things are nice, even if it's just to pick something up in the kitchen. Busy, busy, busy. I give him as much space as possible here at home. He wanted to come back tomorrow, but I said we had other plans then, so he suggested Tuesday and I said that wasn't very good either as S has piano lesson and recital later, which is the truth. I want him to understand that S and I have a full and interesting life that goes on in spite of him. It takes an enormous amount of energy and will power for me to have him come here, when he leaves I'm exhausted and drink a glass of wine. Well, I think I deserve that.

I bought some new lingerie today, stuff I would've never bought before. It makes me feel good, even though I'm the only one who sees it.

I'm in Westchester, 30 minutes from NYC. We should meet, make plans, and exchange ideas on how to get these men back - it's a painful process, why not try to make it a bit fun?

[angel61]

Princess, I quickly went through your thread as you did ask me a question in golf mom's thread about retrouvaille.

Yes, it was a very positive experience for us but it has to be the rigt time. And to be honest, I think even for me it was not the right time yet, altough at least it did make a significant change to our R. Look for my stories in both midlife crisis, and in piecing. The story of my retrouvaille experience is in my midlife crisis thread.

You are so early in this, and one thing I can say: it will not solve itself quickly. Both of you have a lot to learn, and I could see that you are learning quickly. Who knows, your H is also undergoing his own discoveries while away from you.

Please feel free to read my threads, I did post a lot of my struggles, and like many here, it was and still is the most painful time, and yet, it has also taught me so much and mostimportantly, has brought me closer to God.

Keep DBing, no matter how counter intuitive it is, it does work. And get rid of that therapist who is telling you to go on with your life if you want your M restored.

A few things to remember is this: You can only control yourself. No matter how much you say, or do, your H will do what he wants. Concentrate on yourself. Do not talk to him about the R. the 37 rules? they are spot on.

Detachment is the key, but it is hard to learn. I have been trying for almost two years now, and every month I get better at it, but still am not fully there! My H stayed at home for all the time that the whole sitch was happening, and it was incredible hard to not care.

YOu are in the best place to be though, as here you will find out that you are not alone.

Take care and hang in there!

[PrincessP]

The birthday weekend for our officially D4 was up and down. She really only wanted to be with Mommy and Daddy and that’s what I wanted to give her. At one point H asked if he could take D4 out to see her aunts and cousins. I gave a measured “no, this is a special weekend for us.” H is taking D4 away next weekend so she can see her grandmother who is coming to town (staying at SIL’s.)

H was not his best this weekend. I guess that I was expecting more from him since “he loves D4 more than anything.” I know he had a long rough week at work but that is no excuse to nap during visits. Yes, folks H naps when comes to the house. It doesn’t happen every time, mostly on weekends.

I was naughty this weekend. I had a chance to get my hands on information and confirmed there is definitely a OW. H lives with her now, and has been since last month some time I would guess because I have yet to see a rent charge for his own place. H must have met her some time ago because the address I found was the same one he had a parking violation for in January. So H lied to my therapist when he had a session with her in February and said he was not involved with anyone...I’m not that stupid, dear. I would be curious to know if H will bring OW with him and D4 to weekend visiting with mom, sisters, and other family. Might raise an eyebrow or two from his proper Midwestern WASP family.

Not that this serves any purpose, but for the macabre out there, OW is twelve years younger than me and of course Asian. He likes the ladies from that continent (heck, I’m from that continent.) OW is totally infatuated with my H; their text message exchanges read like notes you pass to your GF/BF in high school. She has no baggage so no wonder she is appealing. She probably got tired of waiting for my H Friday night and Saturday since he was spending it with D4 (and me) – hello, it is our child’s birthday. H didn’t come at all yesterday, some lame excuse about work taking longer than he wanted it to. Right, again I am not stupid, dear.

Oh, everyone will like this one. Another bit of information I found was that our MC, from a year ago who we only saw for barely six months, apparently told H during an individual session (we both had two individual sessions each) that “you need to get out of this M, what are you doing with your W?” Really? MC tell people who are there for therapy “to get out?” MCs want to make money; it is their business to drag out the C process for as long as possible so they can make money. Why would any MC tell a spouse at practically the outset of C to “get out now?” H heard what he wanted. H wanted out a long time before we went to MC and the PA/EA he had for months before was evidence. H dropped out of our marriage when he got me C for my postpartum – I became someone else’s problem from that day on so he could be free to live out his needs.

Not sure which stage of MLC H is in now. Where are the active links to the stages and other resources? I tried going through the archives and it only redirects you the main DB forums page.