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My S is also showing signs of regression. But only with me, at bedtime mostly. When H comes around it's all fun and games, H never gets to see anything bad, and I don't tell him, because I know he wouldn't believe me anyway, or think it's just one of my ploys to get him to feel guilty or force him to come back. I sometimes feel I cannot say anything to him. When he asks about S, which he frequently does in txt mssgs, I always reply the same way: "S is fine, everything's fine!". Though obviously it is not. Whatever. H is coming over tomorrow morning. I just dread when he does. Initially he was angry with me, but that has changed. Now he's just as chipper as can be. The affair is blossoming I suppose. Perhaps I sound jealous, but I am not really. I too wake up very early (but I always did). The mornings and days are usually fine, but the evenings I feel a bit lonely and depressed. I have a couple of friends who check in on me (and talk nasty about H and his actions), but they too must feel tired of hearing the same story: Nothing new, and I am still sitting here. I am trying to learn how to be patient (being impatient is one of my biggest flaws) - boy, is it hard. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to work and function and put meals on the table and get myself and S up and going every day in amidst all this mess. Oh well, this too shall pass. I take S to family mass in the city on Sundays, that helps. And S prays every night for Dadda to come back home.

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Seriously, Eva, our lives are in parallel, even down to the kids moping to us, giving Dad the smiles and happy show, and the praying to God they return. My H is also avoiding me more and more, almost like my looking better is making him mad. Through it H maintains a light as air attitude, also due to the stroking of ego and other things by OW.

We have to get together or at least talk. I work in the City every day so we could meet after work one day for a coffee or whatever. I just need a little notice so I can make arrangments with the nanny to stay longer.


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
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Eva, how did the visit go this morning?


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 54
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Thank you for pointing me in the right direction, Cadet. I read through all the links in the last 24 hours...Wow! My goodness I had guessed MLC but wasn’t sure since my H is only 38. There are also WAS attributes to this scenario. Looking back over the last couple of years, even before I read the links, I can see we are still in REPLAY.

H is on his second PA/EA but this time he actually moved out for her and left his family in the dust. The first one was a test; she was too much in the same situation as him: unhappy marriages, similar professional industry, kids, in their 30s. She gave him attention and he tried to recreate our history with her while never leaving the family to do it. This one is 27 and does not have the same baggage (as far as I can tell.) I don’t know anything about her except a first name, age and ethnicity. H is definitely reliving adolescence when he was unbelievably rebellious. His family is super uptight and never talk about problems. When H turned 10 he felt a palpable turning point in his relationship with his mother (rejection.) Guess who became his mom in adulthood (rhetorical, of course.) Interestingly I found one of the message threads on his phone to be with his first love who he lost his virginity to. I had suspected they got in touch over year ago but it seemed insignificant at time to me. The emails were pretty benign, mostly about how great her kids are and ours is.

I am going to keep up my DBing, a la 180s; I am trying to remain non-confrontational, low-key, beautiful and positive. There are going to be days when I have to say “no” to H, regardless of his MLC and my desire to reconcile. I worry about those times to come because I don’t want take steps back in the DB. How do you deal with someone who is unhinged, set limits and boundaries, and DB? That’s a big question.


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 54
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I want to specifically ask about the following in “The Lighthouse” MLC resource posted by Smurf_SMR (02/06/06)

You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.

How do you say to your S that your child(ren) cannot be in this mix without love busting? Technically I don’t even know about the OW. How do I say “you are not subjecting our D4 to your current OW”? Sorry I am being so obtuse but this still remains my biggest question and why I started this very thread.


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 35
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I posted in my own thread in Newcomers under "Advice please". H came and following the advice of Chuck (the telephone coach here) I didn't act as him mom telling him what to do and giving advice etc (which is how our R has been). As a result H follows me around the apt asking all these questions about this and that and asking how various friends are doing. It was way too cold for S and H to go to the park and too cold for me to stay outside for long (I did go outside to run errands and give him and the two of them space and time). When back, I kept busy in the kitchen, and H kept coming in there. He told S the reason he won't move back here is because he and I don't understand each other, which is a bunch of crap: We have the same views on almost everything, the same interests and so on. I understand him perfectly, thank you. I understand he has met someone w/o kids and baggage, someone who is free and adventurous the way I was when we first met. So is the problem S then? Ugh. Then I took S to his piano lesson (which is followed tonight by his first recital). H is very proud of him, though I am the one who's been pushing the piano and taking him to lessons and overseen his practice. H is coming over tomorrow morning, too. Another day to rise and shine. I work from home so I spend half the nights working to get things out of the way so I can pick up and leave the apt whenever H gets here. Just to give him space, space, space. Though today I had a feeling he really wanted to see me. He left S in the other room with a DVD on to follow me around. I had gotten all dolled up and must have smelled like a perfume factory. Also a friend called when he was here so I got the chance to laugh like a whole circus in the other room. This is just crazy. After he leaves I'm so exhausted I need to have a glass of wine to sort of calm down.

I know, our situations are very similar. Your posts stood out, when I read them. It would be nice to meet or at least talk on the phone.

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Originally Posted By: evas
It would be nice to meet or at least talk on the phone.

Do you know how to search for other peoples posts, mine for instance?


Me-70, D37,S36
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Seems like you can send private messages to others, right? I can't get private messages to enable.


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: PrincessP
Seems like you can send private messages to others, right? I can't get private messages to enable.


Not on this website it is permanently disabled and against the TOS to exchange personal information.


Me-70, D37,S36
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evas,

like many newcomers (and me included) you are writing your posts on someone else's thread I believe.

So go to the newcomers part and select new topic. I think that's how it's done or Cadet can tell you how.

I hijacked about 3 people's threads before I realized I was not on my own.

So once you have your own thread/topic we can advise you better.

Also could you break up your posts into smaller sections, so it's easier to read and follow.

Especially for those of us who use reading glasses.

thanks and hang in there. This is a great place to be, for a lousy reason.

Any chance you can hire a DB coach? I did many things to save my m but if I could only do ONE

it'd be hiring them & coming here.

Keep posting and I'll keep an eye out for you.



Originally Posted By: evas
My S is also showing signs of regression. But only with me, at bedtime mostly. When H comes around it's all fun and games, H never gets to see anything bad, and I don't tell him, because I know he wouldn't believe me anyway, or think it's just one of my ploys to get him to feel guilty or force him to come back.


guilt does not get them back to stay. If they come around at all, due to guilt, it converts into resentment and is aimed at the source of the guilt=you.

Trying to guilt them always backfires. They will see you as being self righteous and they'll flee farther.

Plus they'll just validate in their minds the reasons they left at first.



I sometimes feel I cannot say anything to him. When he asks about S, which he frequently does in txt mssgs, I always reply the same way: "S is fine, everything's fine!". Though obviously it is not. Whatever.

Why do you always say that?

why not give him something to miss?



I don't know how old your son is (Put that in your signature block too. It'll help summarize your sitch to refresh our memories)

but you could say "S made his first home run today!"...and that will do more than anything to make your h wish he were home...

cutting him off just hurts their r more, which is not your job. If you want to "keep the road home, paved and smooth", don't punish. It'll already be hard for your h to return to a wife who is too angry to ever forgive.

If HE believes you won't ever let go of this, then it's over b/c why should he bother trying?

I'm not saying affairs are fine. I get your pain and I AM SO SORRY...but let's figure out what to do IF you want to reconcile.

See, your h has to believe that marriage to you can be better/different than before

or he won't return....so how are YOU showing him that it can be better?

You can only change you. He's not here posting or trying to save the marriage here. YOU ARE so you are all we can work on....what are YOU doing to show him change in YOU?

Have you read the Div Remedy books? Do so please...it'll help you a lot.

I sense you want your h to know your son is suffering. Fair enough. But ask the DB coach how to get it across OR better yet let your son say it or show it.

You being the messenger of news like that, will make it seem less credible. OR your h will blame you for son's pain and say you are projecting it onto him.

There may even be A bit of truth to that. Are you helping your son feel better or not?

B/c lessening his pain is something you need to help him with.


It's not -letting your h off the hook; it's helping your son cope with loss. Don't confuse helping your son be happy, with benefitting your h even if that is also true.

Your son's happiness must be more important than your h's suffering. Right?



H is coming over tomorrow morning. I just dread when he does. Initially he was angry with me, but that has changed. Now he's just as chipper as can be. The affair is blossoming I suppose. Perhaps I sound jealous, but I am not really. I too wake up very early (but I always did). The mornings and days are usually fine, but the evenings I feel a bit lonely and depressed. I have a couple of friends who check in on me (and talk nasty about H and his actions),

does that help? We find at DB land, it's NOT helpful to have friends chime in to tell us what losers our h's are. IT hurts the cause....tell them gently that you want support in restoring your marriage, not ending it.

Well, is that what you want or not? I can't tell by your post here.



but they too must feel tired of hearing the same story: Nothing new, and I am still sitting here. I am trying to learn how to be patient (being impatient is one of my biggest flaws) - boy, is it hard. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to work and function and put meals on the table and get myself and S up and going every day in amidst all this mess. Oh well, this too shall pass. I take S to family mass in the city on Sundays, that helps. And S prays every night for Dadda to come back home.



Take charge of your life and DO some work to make this relationship better.

what were your h's complaints about you?

What did he SAY were his reasons for wanting out? ANY bit of it valid? Dig deep b/c we all have flaws but which ones bugged HIM the most?

Use that info as "intel for your recon mission" and work on yourself --DIG DEEP!


Do those 180s (opposites) that undermine his reasons for leaving.

you want to undermine his rationalizations for going.

If he said "you have a bad temper" you become "ZEN EVAS" woman...you exude calm serenity...temper? What temper?

Counter his negative images with positives...make sense?

Use this gift of time to improve and Become the best woman you can be. The best mother you can be...and

Be a woman only a fool would leave.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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