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Man, I enjoying the discussion about me going back and forth on my wife smile. Anyway, update todays update of my W's complete lack of thought. She emails me saying urgent memo saying please send me an email saying that we each provide 50% support for our son and do it ASAP. She provides no explanation what this is for or anything so obviously I'm very hesitant and curious. I emailed her back but then decided to call her as this is ridiculous request with no explanation. I ask what this is all about and she says that she needs it for her school loan as they know we are separated. Gee that would have been nice if she explained that. She goes and gets more debt why we are separated, awesome. I called my lawyer about it and he said it would be in my favor because she could then not say I don't provide support and go for sole custody in a divorce. I will provide the letter to her but I think I will make her write it and sign it first and then have her send it to me for my signature so that I have a signed copy. CYA.

I sent my W an email earlier in the day talking about my S's success with potty training, our change in schedule so she can go to school, and said I hope school went well for her. Everything was very cordial so I think that went well. Its just this crazy email she sent me later about the letter request that got my blood boiling. She just doesn't get it, she requested W2's a while back, tax returns this week, and now this but if I ask for anything or answers I get nothing. Seems fair or logical to me, NOT. Oh well, I will continue to be the best man she has ever ditched.


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
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Snowman Offline OP
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Well, my wife informed me she has D papers to give me. I'm ready to move on as she has really just been playing games with me this whole time. I have learned about what I'm made of through this process. My W never did address her issues and is trying to take the easy way out. She is following in the footsteps of her father pretty much exactly. She never had much to say this entire time from the day she dropped the bomb back in July. She has major communication problems and I'm not sure she will ever tackle them. She left home at 18 to get away from problems, she always wants to change jobs due to problems, she shuts down to avoid problems, or she just gets rid of the problem so she doesn't have to address the problem. She will carry those problems into her next relationships. It is sad but true.

I through the divorce busting books and forum have identify many things that I have improved upon or I'm currently improving on. I really wanted to be the best person I could be and if she decided to ditch me then that's her fault or problem. I have bonded with much of my W's family as well as my own. I have learned great patience even though it was tested many times, and I learned what truly makes me happy or not. I still have much to go but I know that I have made great progress in my own self improvement quest which all that I can control.

Thanks for all the support here and keep it up as I know I still have some rough road ahead.


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
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It's not over until it's over, snowman.

This is just a part of the process. A lot can happen before the papers are filed and processed.

In the mean time, this is the time when we learn just as much of what we are made. This is the time when we let go, lovingly. And where we also let go any anger, resentment, and bitterness that we might want to feel.

That stuff can kill us and certainly isn't healthy for us.

Instead of casting judgment on your W, work to find it in yourself to accept this is the path that she is choosing (at this time) and support her (but you don't have to help her or do it for her) in achieving her goals. Like you would help any friend achieve their goals.

It is up to you how you want to handle this. There continues to be no right or wrong. Just choices, dignity, and integrity.

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What KD said...

WOW


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Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
It's not over until it's over, snowman.

This is just a part of the process. A lot can happen before the papers are filed and processed.

In the mean time, this is the time when we learn just as much of what we are made. This is the time when we let go, lovingly. And where we also let go any anger, resentment, and bitterness that we might want to feel.

That stuff can kill us and certainly isn't healthy for us.

Instead of casting judgment on your W, work to find it in yourself to accept this is the path that she is choosing (at this time) and support her (but you don't have to help her or do it for her) in achieving her goals. Like you would help any friend achieve their goals.

It is up to you how you want to handle this. There continues to be no right or wrong. Just choices, dignity, and integrity.




^^^^^^^

Nice Kaffe, very nice

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This may be a moot point, but I stand by what I and the others have been telling you. You may feel you have changed, but the one glaring thing in your posts that you have not seemed to change is you EXPECTATIONS.

The expectations have caused you to sound a little arrogant rather than compassionate. If that tone comes through in your posts, then I can imagine they might be sneaking out of your conversations with your W.

Case in point:

"I'm ready to move on as she has really just been playing games with me this whole time."

She HASN'T been playing games with you. From the way you've described her, she sounds like a woman in pain and is just trying to find A direction in life. You have/had the choice to lead that or push it away.

Her texting the other guys is a security blanket for her. She needed that safety net because it sounded like she was afraid to get back with you and that you might be judgemental, etc. Believe me it comes across in your posts.

"She is following in the footsteps of her father pretty much exactly. She never had much to say this entire time from the day she dropped the bomb back in July. She has major communication problems and I'm not sure she will ever tackle them. She left home at 18 to get away from problems, she always wants to change jobs due to problems, she shuts down to avoid problems, or she just gets rid of the problem so she doesn't have to address the problem. She will carry those problems into her next relationships."

If you understood all these things about her, then you could have worked your way around these obstacles. Sometimes going around something and approaching it a different way works much better than hammering at it.

"if she decided to ditch me then that's her fault or problem."

Same here. You see her leaving as her 'problem'. She doesn't want a problem. She wants a solution.

"I learned what truly makes me happy or not."

Nothing in life "makes you" feel happy nor is it their job to make you happy. You just make the decision to BE HAPPY that's all it takes.

Imagine your W has this wall up. You keep battering at it with talks of R, how you stand, etc. This just makes her fortify the walls even stronger. So rather than doing the same thing, try looking for holes in the wall that will weaken it. Find enough holes and the wall breaks.

It's hard and takes patience and no expectations.


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Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Snowman Offline OP
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Thanks for all your replies they are very helpful. I just had dinner with my W's brother and wife. It was an enjoyable time and I miss hanging out with them but they didn't have anything good to say about my W. She continues to drink, party, spend money, and live with no cares in the world. I will say if I have not said this before about my W's family is that alcoholism runs in the family and I have seen it first hand. Her Grandma literally drinks herself to sleep every night. Her father drinks everyday and is an angry drunk that struggles to keep a job. Her brother in another state is a violent drunk that was recently thrown in jail for an altercation that happen with his girlfriend and now their is my W that is on the same path. My W seems to only care about when she is going to drink, party, or go on a trip. I have very low tolerance for drinking as I have seen it cause many bad things in the lives of the people around me. My mother had a father who was a drunk that beat her mother for many years. I had a good neighbor who was hit by a drunk driver and was nearly killed and is now not fully functional. I had a friend OD with alcohol and pills. I had another neighbor who was only in high school and was killed by a drunk driver. I guess I could go on but you get my point, I have little tolerance for it. To see my W who use to talk bad about her own father for drinking and is now the only family member she talks to is just plan weird. I do have the expectation that she give that crap up. If she chooses to do it then I don't want to be with her there is no budging on that.

She made the comment to her brother in conversation about their other brother that just got a girl pregnant that she is too young to have a kid which is a complete surprise to all as my W use to love kids, was a nanny, always wanted to be a stay home mom, and was talking about having another kid before all this happened. Is this a MLC or what?

Mr. Bond. I have only had a few R talks with my W this whole time. I will admit that at times I have pressured to understand or get an answer but I have not been arrogant with her and I feel that your judgement in that regard is wrong. I'm not really sure how I have had the choice to lead her if she has shut me and others out of her life. I have judged her in my mind but I have not passed my judgement on her the few times we have talked.

Her solution to the problem is divorcing me as she then doesn't have to address the problem. I want a solution and have tried to present paths to finding a solution but she doesn't want to take that path. I can't force her, coerce her, or otherwise make changes to get her there as I know can't control anyone but me. How do I go around a communication problem?

She filed D on me and lies about it, she kicks me off her insurance and doesn't tell me, she books a trip that I will have to watch my S for 2 weeks and she fails to tell me about it, she lies about what she is doing when we were suppose to talk, and on on. This is what I would call games.

I know it is my decision to be happy and that nothing makes you feel happy, crap I said that to my W myself. I decide to be happy no matter what she does. She has a wall up that no one can penetrate. Not through changes, communication, or any other form of interaction. I have knocked at the door but only she can let me in. I'm not saying I have done it perfect in my approach every time but I don't claim to be perfect although I feel like I do have to be to meet Mr. Bonds expectations.

It is sad when her own Mom and family doesn't want her to have custody because of her behavior. I don't make this stuff up for fun or something as it is far from it. I would like to have my W back to somewhat the person I know but she has chosen another path that I will not follow.

I have tried to not have expectations but I know I do as I guess thats just my human nature. I have done the best I can and I continue to do so. I will not ask for the D papers but if she gives them to me I'm not going to roll over and be a doormat in that process because my S is more important to me than all the other stuff and I have tried to do whats best for him by keeping the marriage together but if it does go apart I have to do whats best for us.


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
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Snowman, I have no problem with you being intolerant to Alcohol.

My position is, guns don't kill people.

I know people who have driven and killed people, and they (the drivers) were sober.

I know people who are dinks. No alcohol necessary.

My parents were both alcoholics. I was on that path myself. I chose a different path and mostly abstain. My father is sober 5 years now. My mother is sober for about 2 months.

If your W was not drinking, but was still behaving the same way, would you tolerate that?

Not a judgment, simply a question. Because when alcohol is the EXCUSE, then we aren't holding people responsible. And regardless of the reason or excuse, we are all responsible for our choices.

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Snowman Offline OP
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Kaffe, I agree with your point and I would not tolerate her behavior even if she was not drinking. To add to the topic of her drinking she also takes headache pills that were developed as an antidepressant but are more effective for headaches. She takes these everyday. I ask my Dr what would happen if you were to drink excessively and takes these pills and he said ti could kill you. I know just drinking excessively could do that but adding the pills is just playing with fire. I addressed this with her months ago when i discovered she was taking this pill and she just handled it in a secret way by talking to her Dr and not telling anyone else.

I know bad things happen to sober people as well but her drinking is not helping by any means. I was stupid enough myself to try drinking with her for a few months and realized it was worthless and stopped immediately because it providing no positive benefit.

I ponder writing an honest letter to her about everything as I think it is the least intrusive or hostile way to approach her. I'm not sure of the content of the letter as I hesitate to write about certain things but on the same token I'm tired of being afraid of saying what I truly feel.

What does everyone think about writing a letter and the content of the letter?


Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012
Joined: Mar 2011
Posts: 4,866
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Hey snowman, interesting question about letter writing. (he says with a chuckle and tongue in cheek).

You have some very good qualities. You are strong minded, you come from a solid moral centre, you believe in commitment, you appreciate people who do what they say and mean what they say, you don't like to beat around the bush and play games...

So let me ask you something and let me know if you are prepared to commit to this:

Are you prepared to tell your W, just one more time, this time in a letter, how you feel about her, her actions, and the M, and then... let it go...

just... let it go...

And then, for a period of time set by you, perhaps a month, perhaps two... let your W take the lead and control the fate and destiny of your M.

Can you commit to that?

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