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#2231286 - 03/16/12 06:29 PM WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Here is the last thread: WHG's last thread

I'm going to kick this thread off with an etiquette question... all thoughts are appreciated. My S is having a birthday get-together next weekend. He asked to invite two kids he used to go to daycare with. Their parents know my W and I in the way that parents who share a small daycare provider do. Though they know me much more than my W since I did most of the picking up and dropping off of our S.

I don't believe either set of parents know that my W and I have split up however. The parents have the option of dropping their kids off at my W's house and we'll take them to the party place and bring them back. Or the parents are welcome to come along. I don't know which option these parents will pick. I wouldn't call them friends but close acquaintances. I've been over their homes for birthday parties and taking my S to play. My W really hasn't so again, she doesn't know them as well.

I feel like I should at least warn them about our separation? But it also seems a little forward to just say "hey, by the way...".

Thoughts?
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2231288 - 03/16/12 06:37 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2502
Loc: Piney Land
I wouldn't say anything. They will figure it out and your W might not appreciate it. But more importantly is why are u having this urge to say something?
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2231330 - 03/16/12 10:02 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: Rick1963]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
I think mainly because one of the two sets of parents is very religious and conservative... I don't know that they would not approve of things, but if bringing their son into that mix might bother them I feel some level of responsibility to give them some notice.

Though it's not as if things are toxic between W and I or anything like that. I imagine, assuming things are that day like they have been, most folks could spend the few hours with us and perhaps not even have a clue unless they look hard.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
#2231333 - 03/16/12 10:04 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
And after looking again at what I posted... I think I more meant to say, "should I warn them". I can really go either way. I don't feel a particular urge... or maybe I did when I posted that but I don't now. Strange how urges come and pass these days.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
#2231344 - 03/16/12 10:41 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2502
Loc: Piney Land
YOu still don't get it? Stop fixing things stop being perfect. Ghezzzzz warn them about what? What you have is not contagious right? Let things happen the way God thinks they should. Have some fun and be flexible. Let go WHG. Give her her freedom. Stop protecting her. Let her live her life and if that means screw ut up so what not your problem. And don't bring the kids into this. They will be affected no matter what. I am in your corner and hope the best for you
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2231388 - 03/17/12 03:39 AM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: Rick1963]
Ctflor Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/11
Posts: 329
Response to dark vs civility, etc.

First off, do you find yourself operating on a fear of what your w will do with ss and sd if you don't play ball?

Being dark and civil for me was a kind of delicate balance. I did this during the time period where H was constantly talking of walking out, having tantrums about wanting to be free, and for the most part, bouncing back and forth from wanting me there, to totally despising my presence. I cannot say that what I did would work for another, but it did work for me.

I was able to detach and withdraw without being unkind. It may seem unkind to boot my h off my facebook, but when i did it, he said, "Notice that you don't have me on your facebook anymore" and I said, "Yeah, kind of getting in that space of us moving on as you were talking about". I do remember the look on his face. He didn't really want that, at the time, as he revealed to me later on about how it really gutted him, when I took steps to give him a huge amount of space. I began to pull back, without being unkind, without being nasty.

One night the cards were playing, and that's our team. We have always watched games together. He was in the living room watching, and asked me if I'd join.... and I just said in a kind voice, "I'm so sorry, I'm going over to (my neighbors) for a movie, enjoy the game!" and I left.

He was emailing me from work wanting me to respond, and after a few days in a row of no responses, he finally asked me what was up and I said, "Oh I think we should just email when it's about our D. I'm pretty busy lately and I'm not able to check mail all the time".

I stopped being as available to him as I used to be... and he later told me in counseling that this is when he started to wake up and see what he was about to lose.

I probably went more dim, than I did dark. he was still around and so we did have contact each day...it's a detachment and a realization.

I know several times he would come in from work and either ignore me or want me to sit down and listen to something funny that happened. He liked me being there for him when he came in, but I stopped being there. I made other plans to be away, and he started coming to an empty home.

Your W may not like it when you exclude her from your facebook, or tell her "let's restrict our contact only to the needs of our kids". And if she does not like it, you can say.. "I'm giving you the space you need, I need mine too". Or something to this degree. You can still be civil.

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#2231501 - 03/17/12 10:27 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: Ctflor]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Quote:
@Rick What you have is not contagious right?
Actually I've read some interesting studies of late that show a correlation between W who have friends/know other W who are getting or get divorced and the frequency of those women entering divorce. So maybe it's contagious smile J/K of course... well, partially I guess. But I'm over it.

You're right on the "being perfect" part. I think my urge to tell them is to let them judge me/us before they get there and possibly figure it out. But they can judge all they want... not like it'll change anything. Heck, maybe down the road they have some single friends should it ever come to that smile

Quote:
@CT First off, do you find yourself operating on a fear of what your w will do with ss and sd if you don't play ball?
Yes I do. To be fair, W has not done this nor given me a reason to think she would go down this road. At this point this is entirely my own construct.

Have had a fun weekend with my S. Took him to see The Lorax last night. We chilled out today, played, went for a walk, and grilled out tonight. The new furniture for his room came today so he was pretty excited. It felt good to get his room put back together finally. He shared a room with SS so when W moved she took SS's bed, dresser, bookshelf, etc.. with her so that left his room empty except for his captain's bed. Now there's a pullout couch (where SS can sleep when he stays over), a new dresser, and the captain's bed in there. S is sleeping on the pullout couch tonight because he's never been able to do that before smile

Worked on a photo project today of printing photos of the kids and of the kids and I then framing them and putting them up. Tired of looking at the very empty stairwell that used to be populated by wedding photos. Cleaned those walls today and put up some photos. But man there's a lot of wall there... have to go get more/bigger frames tomorrow and order some more photos.

This whole resetting a house is an expensive proposition.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

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#2231648 - 03/18/12 09:42 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Been struggling a bit today... unexpected waves of emotions at odd times. Couldn't figure it out until just now... realized it's been one month since W and the kids moved out. Guess it's good that it took me all day to realize it though.

Have had minimal contact with W since Thursday. It's actually been kind of nice. Allowed me to be with my S without having her in the picture. I did call her this morning before she went to work to confirm some logistics details for the week since I am going to be on the east coast for a few days for work. Also had to ask her for a favor which involved taking S for most of the afternoon/evening on one of my nights this week. Originally my mom was going to do it, but there's only a half day of school that day. W will have SS and SD already so I thought perhaps she could take all three rather than ask my mom to drop everything midday, etc...

It's funny how a simple request can quickly unlock the "woe is me gates" with her. That question evolved into my W explaining how she was planning to walk with her friend that night, how she can't if she has S. Ok. Then it quickly moves into how she feels so lost and messed up right now and needs these walks because it gives her a chance to talk it out with her friend. Mind you... before folks take me to task... this devolution occurred in perhaps 6 seconds.

The difference this morning was that I didn't listen. I simply repeated the question/request and told her if it was too much trouble I could make other arrangements. She stopped complaining then and said that, no, she can take him and will figure out something so she can still walk. Perhaps leave S with her friend's daughters (8, 12, and 17) who love him and he loves them... glad you got that figured out.

Then S figured out I was talking to mom and wanted a chance to talk to her. She just doesn't check in or call him when he's with me. I don't get it. I used to encourage S to call her each night but have stopped. If he wants to talk to her he will tell me. This morning he told me so I gave him the phone.

S and I went to church and then went out to lunch with my mom. Worked on some more "house reclamation" work this afternoon, trying to make the home more my own. That's a slow process. Sermon today was on gratitude... it was well-timed.

It sure doesn't feel like a month has passed. It feels like a week has passed... and it feels like a year has passed.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
#2233274 - 03/25/12 11:30 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Wow.. it's been a week since I last posted... guess it was a busy week... not much to report though either I suppose.

The week was very busy. I was on the East Coast for much of the week for work. Had one funny/odd moment when I called my house to talk to the kids (they were with my mom). I called my house phone assuming the kids or my mom would answer. My W answered as she was there picking the kids up. I didn't recognize her. I had to ask her twice who it was... so that was a little awkward.

Saw W briefly on Wednesday when I stopped at her house to get my S after I flew in. It was pretty late so we didn't really talk much.

Saw her again briefly on Friday when I picked SS up for our weekend of search and rescue training. Again, nothing really.. just a hello and I was in a big hurry to get SS and go as we were running late.

Spent the weekend at a search and rescue school. The school was hosted by my old squadron so I saw old friends I hadn't seen in 10 or 15 years. That was great. And I met some new folks and made some new friends. SS had a great time too and it's neat to see him start to come out of his shell.

I did see W quite a bit today though. After we got back from the SAR school it was time for my S's birthday get-together with his friends. I ended up going direct to the birthday place to decorate some and meet some of the parents while my W brought S and a friend of his. It went fine. W and I got along well and S had a great time. W wanted to take S for ice cream (next door to the place) and asked me if I wanted to come along. I said yes as I hadn't seen my S much since Thursday. She treated for my ice cream though. S wanted to drive back to town with me so we did a few errands and then headed back. I dropped him off just as W was finishing getting supper ready. She invited me to stay for dinner with them but I declined and headed home. I really wanted to stay... I haven't seen SD or S much but thought it best not to. I have SD, SS, and S tomorrow afternoon so I'll get some time with them then.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
#2233573 - 03/26/12 11:53 PM Re: WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake [Re: workinghardguy]
workinghardguy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/11
Posts: 982
Loc: Wisconsin
Had all the kids this afternoon. S came home from school all excited because it was superhero/princess night at our local ice cream/restaurant place and wanted to go. I had planned to take the kids out for dinner anyway, so that worked well.

As we were getting there W texted me that she got off of work early and asked if I wanted her to get the kids early. I told her we were out for dinner and she asked if she could join us. I told her the restaurant and she replied that she didn't really like that place. Ok. Said I'd bring the kids by once we were done.

A little bit later W shows up at the restaurant (after eating dinner at another place) and asks if we should all get ice cream. Kids were having fun coloring and getting their faces painted. But you can't offer ice cream to kids and not follow through smile So we got ice cream and then I sent the kids home with her.

A little depressed though tonight... W had mediation with her XH today. She pretty much capitulated to everything he wanted. Rather than digging in and trying to keep SS and SD during the week the split schedule will continue. Means the amount of time I get with them now is about all I'll get. Pretty sad about that. Got the news via email while I was helping kids with homework. Had to go upstairs for a few minutes so they didn't see me upset.
_________________________
Married 6 together 8
Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both
SS12, SD10, S6
Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann)
W moved out: 2/18/12
D final: 11/12/12
Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD

Top
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