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rickb89 #2233482 03/26/12 10:17 PM
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labug Offline OP
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OK, the canoe stays.

Thanks everyone, keep it coming.

Rick and Rick, I love when you turn my questions back on me. That's really what I need to do.

And I probably will sleep on it.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
ces67 #2233485 03/26/12 10:20 PM
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Originally Posted By: ces67
Originally Posted By: labug
Advice please? And isn't it interesting to be able to look at other sitches and provide input, but with our own the knees go weak and the backbone wobbles.


And I completely get this. Happens to me way too much. We're too close to our own sitch's and probably see way too many ramifications of our choices.


yes - so where are the "757 rules" on how to deal with those. i find myself agonizing over little things like that i driving myself crazy trying to figure out how to approach whatever it is at the moment.

just like you, labug, all his 'stuff" is still there. asking him to take it feels like pushing him out the door. letting it stay there, keeps reminding me he's gone. asking him to take it, means finally 'splitting" our stuff - which he has indicated repeatedly that he isn't ready to do

wht did you decide to do finally - ricks advice to wait on it - i have to admit seems the best - i've started to realize it takes a while to work through the emotional reaction, and only when i allow that to pass i gain some clarity and suddenly the answer or strategy pops into my head

i'm trying to remember to do that ALL the time - makes me realize how much, in the past my actions were actually reactions bouncing off my emotions - never knew how to function from another level, but am learning now


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

zig #2233486 03/26/12 10:25 PM
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labug Offline OP
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Quote:
makes me realize how much, in the past my actions were actually reactions bouncing off my emotions - never knew how to function from another level, but am learning now


Yes!

I tend to fall into the tit-for-tat mentality, I hurt so you (whoever hurt me) must hurt.

Yes, I will get a good night of rest, after a bit of tonglen and see how it feels tomorrow.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2233509 03/27/12 12:04 AM
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Labug, if knowing all his stuff is in there is somehow preventing you from finding peace, then by all means ask him to remove it (except for the canoe -- I'd sell that and buy a kayak, but that's just me).

I can tell you if W moved out and left her clothes in the closets and drawers, that would eventually bother me and I'd want them gone -- I don't need that reminder around you know?

If you can get in touch with your real feelings on the matter and what it comes down to is that having his "stuff" there bothers you, then tell him to clear it out by [the end of April] at his convenience, just let you know when he's coming.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray #2233512 03/27/12 12:22 AM
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la.. looks like you have had a lot of answers to your question. like you, i tend to act on emotion which often bites me in the butt. giving it a bit of time usually brings clarity and what seemed like such a huge issue becomes a non-issue.

i think you know what to do. but it's nice to have the sounding board isn't it?

btw.. i'm with keeping the canoe! we can ride the canal at the venetian in vegas. save a couple of bucks.


Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11
labug #2233525 03/27/12 01:09 AM
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Originally Posted By: labug
Advice please? And isn't it interesting to be able to look at other sitches and provide input, but with our own the knees go weak and the backbone wobbles.

Part 1)H has a lot of stuff (tools, golf clubs, tools, canoe, tools) stored in the garage. In the initial stages of this saga, he had come up a few times and got things from the garage. After that I asked him to respect my space and not come up and take things from the garage without arranging it with me. He agreed. This had been fine-he hasn't asked and hasn't retrieved anything.

This week he asked the sons to bring him something from the garage. It's small piddly thing that has no value for me but I feel disrespected that he didn't just send an email and let me know. I wouldn't ask them to bring dishes, or sheets or towels (that belong to both of us) from his place.

Part 2)I asked him in Jan if he had a plan for what to do with this garage stuff along with some other questions about other issues. He answered the other ? but there was no mention of the "stuff."

My draft: H, I'd like to stick with our agreement about getting things from the garage. An email will do, just to let me know what is being removed.

Also, I had asked a couple of months ago if you had a plan about what to do with your tools, etc. Let me know if you would like to set up a time to get those.

Am I being petty? Am I wanting to contact because I'm missing the contact? Am I just pissed? Does the text sound controlling, resentful, angry?

Thanks, all.


Maybe just a little petty. But why are you asking questions in this way?

My view is if you want the tools gone, then make arrangements to have your husband remove them within a certain amount of time or you will dispose of them. That will solve your problem.

OTOH maybe you like having the tools around so as to keep some kind of connection to your H. If that is the case then you have to think this through and decide what is more important, your control of things and events or getting rid of the tools.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2thepoint #2233527 03/27/12 01:13 AM
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labug Offline OP
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You guys are so good. Yes, it is a connection. And really the tools don't bother me where they are. What bothered me was we had agreed on a boundary, he would let me know when he took something, and he crossed it.

The more I discuss this the more I think I'm being petty and wanting to contact him.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2233532 03/27/12 01:26 AM
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I say if this is the first time he's used your S's to get something, and it really is something small...then just let is slide. If he keeps it up, then have a conversation to remind him of the agreement.

I can see how you'd want to use this as an excuse to reach out to him. Although I don't think it would end up on a positive note, do you? If you want to reach out to him for something, maybe it should be for something more positive...not something that will leave him acting defensively.

I, too, agree about keeping the canoe!


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


nhmom #2233537 03/27/12 01:32 AM
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If it's the petty side of things, technically you asked him to arrange with you if he was going to come to the house to take things (versus arranging with you if things were going to be removed).

I would imagine he interpreted that to mean that you didn't want him showing up unannounced versus caring that tools were missing, so he probably feels that by asking your son to grab something for him he was actually respecting your boundary.

If he feels it was "his" stuff that your son was retrieving, and he didn't actually come himself to get it, then "no harm no foul" right?

I can see his side of it, he needed the tool and this felt like a respectful way to get it without crossing your line.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Accuray #2233547 03/27/12 02:02 AM
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That's what I thought too - it was probably a minor thing to him and he was trying not to bug you. (oops that was a pun!)

I think all of our situations create bureaucracy that borders on pettiness - setting up appointments, drawing boundaries, etc, with someone who used to share our home, bed, and toothbrush (maybe for some of us).

What was the intent of the original boundary? To keep him from showing up at odd times taking this and that? In that case it doesn't seem like he broke the intent of the boundary with this one request via your son. Was the intent of the boundary to prevent loss of property without your being aware of it? (If you have sons around I can't imagine you're not used to property moving around and going missing...)

I believe in having boundaries to protect yourself as needed, but more so in being flexible and giving the benefit of the doubt.

I think you feel sensitive about seeming petty, and that's your goodwill fighting against your rule-enforcer. Unless he's really abusing your goodwill, I'd let the rule-enforcer relax.\

My 2 cents.

Also, I'm a canoe fan.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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