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Crimson I can so relate to how hurt you are. I have a little one the same age as your son and "sharing" our kids on holidays is not cool. It's aweful.

I do try to put it in perspective. There are many children that have terrible illness, and many children with only one living parent. We do need tocount our blessings.

I have called the db coaches many times and have two coaches that I use. They have never recommended going dark. The gist of the their advice is usually 1. Validate 2. Show your changes without getting attached to the result.

You share custody of a 2 yr old so going dark would be very difficult and probably not best for your little one.


Your wife is doing a lot of second guessing on her own. Don't bring up the relationship or your feelings. You should be insanely busy this next month doing fun things. Show her by your actions that she is a fool.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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So sorry Crimson,

Maybe the best way to work on the relationship right now is not to work on it? To some degree I feel you've been watching the pot waiting for the water to boil. Often the best way to handle that situation is not to watch the pot at all, but to check back later.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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She knows you are willing, she knows where you are.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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After reading posts and thinking, maybe pulling waaaaay back and not going dark would be best. She needs to heal, and whether I like it or not it would seem that I am an impedement to that process somehow.

As many of you have pointed out, she hasn't told me to eff off and just vanish. She has said she doesn't have answers, is living day to day and that I broke her heart. That her heart is closed off to me still despite my changes and validating her feelings. I will miss the progress we'd made - going out to eat as a family, going to church together, hanging out at the house now and then, but I think I need to roll all of that up right now and deal as best I can without engaging her anymore.

She said in her text last night that she feels that I will be fine one day when I re-marry. And that she hopes to find love and joy and have another baby - but has turned it all over to God. That's the first I have ever really heard her speak of "moving on" with someone else. That hurt. A lot.

I want to go GAL, but I am starting to fight that crushing depression that just paralyzes you where you stand. Got to fight it, and I will certainly try. I need to stay as busy as I can for my sake and the sake of my son.

It was this exact same time last month that she had her mini-emotional breakdown that came and went. In the inner recesses of my mind I am hoping that this is just round 2 of that and once the smoke clears this week she will be....."better".

Still, my heart continues to break for myself and for my son. I never wanted this life for him and never thought it would happen. I can handle being a single dad - I have had months of practice now, I just hate the incomplete feeling of w not being there with us. I hate when he looks at me out of the blue and asks "where did mommy go?". I have to get over that.

ACCURAY - you are right that I have adjusted the knobs and watched to see if the pot boils. Now that I know D is on the horizon, there really is no clock I am racing against. After it happens I really have nothing but time left. And in that time, if I want, I can stay on path or just walk away.

LA - Yes, she knows where I am and that I am willing. But maybe that is the problem. When I made myself scarce and "unknown" she seemed more interested....more willing to come back. When I engaged and made attempts, she ran. I did break her heart, it wasn't done knowingly or out of malice - but I am trying to make it right for her as best I can. Do I bother to stay visible?

BMOM - I felt that all of this time I was showing her through actions that she would be a fool to leave. There have been no fights, no arguments, good laughs, time shared, and feelings discussed and exchanged. It was a me she was not used to seeing - she hinted as much. It seems, though, she still is unmoved. Or, in her words, her heart is still closed to me and she can't force it open.

Could this just be a bad week? Emotions running high? Realizing the time is running out? It just weird, prior to this things were progressing slowly - but FORWARD.

Thanks, everyone. I feel this going to be one of those days when I over-post.

Crimson

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Quote:
I felt that all of this time I was showing her through actions that she would be a fool to leave. There have been no fights, no arguments, good laughs, time shared, and feelings discussed and exchanged. It was a me she was not used to seeing - she hinted as much. It seems, though, she still is unmoved. Or, in her words, her heart is still closed to me and she can't force it open.


What makes you think you failed in showing her she would be a fool to leave you? What we know in our head doesn't mean we feel it in our heart, and your W wants to feel what a W should feel for her H.

I believe that your W responded to your actions when she agreed to go to the MC sessions and invite you to share in times with S, and other things. I believe she was hoping that her heart would open up.

When you referred to your "date" with her and she wasn't ready for that, it was b/c she knew her heart was not going to the same place as yours.

I believe she sent as good a message in her email that she could do, and be truthful. It could have been much, much worse.

Crimson, do not go dark. Dark doesn't work when kids are involved. Forget dark. Back up and leave her alone. Let her see your friendship, and that's all.

Once she is free, and she has time to heal and grow, then hopefully, her heart will open for you. In the meantime, if she refers to you working on the R...you need to respond so that it indicates a "friends" R and not a MR. Hope you know how I mean that (kind of short on time to expound).

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Gabby, I don't want to hijack the thread, but just a short response.

"GAL is not ... a strategy to make the other spouse see they can have their own lives and F-you, I'm just fine without you." I know it isn't supposed to be that, but from the WAS pov, it often seems that way. I've seen a number of posters here comment that their WAS said that their GAL evidenced that they were better off without them (the WAS.) I'm just saying there is inherent risk to the R with it and to go forward with that in mind.

"Crazyville, by you thinking that about your exH, you have the mindset of wanting to make him pay for what he has done to you." No, I don't want to make him pay. I want to know that what he did bothers him, on his own. That's difficult to see when his life hasn't skipped a beat. Crimson's W doesn't want to make him pay either -- she just wants to leave. Is that better? I suspect that given the option, C might "pay" whatever price his W set in order to have his family back. Reconciliation involves work, whether you call it forgiveness or restitution. Personally I think it involves a lot of both. In this case, the forgiveness is obvious, but what is the restitution for someone that doesn't want "payment" but just wants to leave?


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T:19.5 M:19
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Sandi -

"Let her see your friendship" - how? What do I do or not do? I don't think I can invite her to do things. I feel like there is really nothing I can do right now but sit here.

Crimson

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I suspected that I would over-post today. Sorry, I guess it's cathartic.

Last night in her text she reiterated a theme that she has used a lot - telling me that I was miserable during our marriage and projected being miserable. Thing is, honest to God I never felt that way and somehow she feels that is 100% true. The days after our son was born were some of the happiest of my life - and I always told her that. She would reply "how come I can't see it?". Ergo, she felt I was miserable I guess. I never felt that way. How can she tell me how I feel? Let alone distance herself from me as a result.

She said last night that she hopes to find love and joy and have another baby - but she has put it in Gods hands. That's the first time she's mentioned moving on and it hit me hard. Why can't she find that with me?

I have owned and admitted my faults, done my best to make amends and change and somehow I am still repulsive to her emotionally.

I don't want to lose my marriage, my family - but it's coming and there seems to be little I can do to stop it. I feel like all of the progress that was made has just tanked.

Crimson

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I have GM, and I do feel that she has some issues of her own that go all the way back to her childhood. I also know she has issues with depression - and indicated (albeit vaguely)that she is not taking anything for it anymore.

Before I found DB, I started down that path and realized that there is nothing I can do. She has to see the problem, admit it hers, tie it to our relationship and want to work together to get beyond it. Problem is, I can't make her do any of that - I know that now. Hence, I choose to focus on me and what I CAN do to change the dynamic of our relationship. Not sure if that has done me a lot of good right now.

I know I am really sounding like Debbie Downer today - and I apologize for it. I just feel like I am losing hope. I need to let her go and brace for all that is coming my way.

We were planning on taking son to an Easter Egg hunt Saturday - I have him. I am guessing it will just be me and s now. Also don't know how to handle church anymore. Enjoy going - but sitting together may be out of the picture.

Crimson

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You're right, GM - sometimes in the midst of the downward spiral I feel that I am in at times I lose sight of the fact that there have been positives that have come out of this awful situation. I am madly in love with my little guy at home, and our relationship would be different if this wouldn't have happened. I also know for a fact that I am going to be a better husband, boyfriend, whatever - to someone based off of all of the things I see that I did wrong. In a perfect world, I'd get a chance to be a better husband to my W, but that is yet to be seen.

Funny - but two female friends/co-workers that know what is going on in my situation had a really sobering observation - maybe it's been stated here before - but they made it pretty clear. And it all boils down to one word: perspective.

If I look through my w's perspective, in a lot of regards she is trapped between two bad decisions. She can stay with me and NOT divorce and risk going back to where we were since she doesn't fully trust my changes for good. OR, she goes through with the divorce - which may not be something she is EXCITED about - but it gives her an out...relives pressure....eliminates commitment.

It's clear that she just doesn't trust that things would be different with me at this point - I guess it just will require more time. Based on that, she just won't be comfortable pulling the divorce petition right now - so she feels she has no choice but to move forward. Maybe there will be a chance to work on things after the fact. Maybe not.

Meh - just a theory, but it makes sense.

Crimson

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