NOTICE: We are running maintenance and pruning the forums this week and next. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them asap, as they may be deleted.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO KEEP THE FORUMS UP AND RUNNING. HOWEVER, THERE MAY BE TIMES DURING THIS PROCESS WHEN THEY ARE DOWN. THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING.
Latest DB update. 1 year anniversay of the bomb was uneventful as far as how I felt. I feel pretty damm good and I'm here to tell you that believe it or not you can get your life back, make yourself a better person, love again if it's there, let your WAS go peacefully, do your taxes, ride a bike, you name it.
The day to day of the sitch is still there, my internal debate over the OM as far as the concept of laying the wood on this guy is still active, my W still lives in our house, the kids are still incredibly hurt, there's a lot to unravel.
After yoga this morning I came home to do my PT to rehab my shoulder. She was nearby in the kitchen. Each and every time I would start the reps she would ask me a question. Each time I would stop and patiently answer her. Her questions and comments were all over the place, but I know the signs and just wait foe the real question to come out, which it did.
She asks me if I want a relationship with a girl named Melissa from yoga. I tell her no and go back to PT. She says well I see you guys talk on FB. I say, of course we're good friends. She seems to waiting for more so I tell her...she's with our nephew Silas (another yoga companion) and he's with her. I'm thinking that if she hadn't abandoned our entire family she would know this obvious fact. I guess a cheater never can get a moments rest from not trusting others. Good luck to her...jeesh.
In two months from now. all three of my sons will be living here, daughter and son's fiance. The elephant is still in the room though. Not sure what to do about her in terms of where she can get her life back on track. It's a pickle..the damage she is doing here isn't easy...yet I'm not heartless either and know she really needs help. Like 2TP's sitch, the OM doesn't step up for that, the hard work. That's whatwe do. You think she would have seen this before my tank went dry and then was removed. My S13 said "Dad, she threw away our entire family for a slimy D-bag."
Srarting Season One of Game of Thrones today! So psyched!
Thanks to each and every posting person here who has cared. You are all valient loving people.
I'm starting to side with some of the hard liners about how you deal with the WAS, not in some agressive FU response, but just being honest about letting go.
How much of what we do for the WAS in their MLC, psyche crisis, debauchery crisis, alcohol and drug crisis, is really just another form of pursuit? Even if feels like it might be unconditional love, don't we in the end expect some kind of reward in the way we define it - a new M, open love w/ them, etc.
The WAS spouse seems to use all of that as jet fuel to stay in their new found world.
As excrutiatingly painful as it is, they really did say goodbye to all that you are, and if there's love still there, ther's no way you will ever help them uncover it. They might on their own , and you do have to work on your own issues and life, but you need to throw any timetable out the window. This sort of thing can happen to anyone for any reason - illness, death in the family, etc. Just like that your life has changed in a moment forever. We have to move on no matter the particulars of our sitch, and rationalizing their bad behavior and causes won't change a thing about them. We have an obligation to stand for our M's, but anyhting we stand for has to be with us being the best person we can be, and meeting our obligation to bring joy and happiness into the world. Like it or not this is part of our LOTR journey.
On the home front for me that means no more enabling, no more rationalizing, no more self sacrifice.
When the world was telling me my W was an a-hole and I should move on right away I told everyone to back off, that she was a woman in deep trouble and I will stand by her no matter how hard it is. That was the right thing to do in terms of givng this sitch the chance to show itself for what it was. Things change, time does its work, and clarity comes.
Its when you see the collateral damage that you start to realize that you have to push the WAS out of your life, and god bless them that they make it.
Its little things that are big things. Like seeing that my S13 will sleep with his earplugs in so that he doesn't have to hear his Mom on the phone with OM in the next room. It's knowing that your kids are seeing these immoralties and questioning the worthiness of a sacred bond such as M.
Yeah, my W reaches out all the time, and many would say that's good. In reality she is just reaching out for a safety net. Once she knows it's there and feels safe, it's right back to a self centered world of me, me, me. Despite the psyche issues, it's despicable in many ways. I rationalized a lot of bad behavior with her psyche crisis, and so does she.
"Yeah, my W reaches out all the time, and many would say that's good. In reality she is just reaching out for a safety net. Once she knows it's there and feels safe, it's right back to a self centered world of me, me, me. Despite the psyche issues, it's despicable in many ways. I rationalized a lot of bad behavior with her psyche crisis, and so does she."
This seems to be the function of the LBS pulling back and detaching that triggers the WAS to reengage...just long enough. So to me the question seems to be, can you find the strength to pull back and detach much, much more?
I believe I have posted elsewhere that I believe our spouses need to hit rock bottom in terms of the emotional support and energy we provide them. They need to experience the reality that results from their decision to exit the M.
Only then will they maybe begin to recognize the damage left in their wake. Then again, maybe they won't. So what then does the LBS do?
That is the question I think we all must be able to answer in order to be able to move on.
Me48 W50 S15 S11 M20 T23 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife