Maybe it was just something she needed to process or purge from her system - pretty much like EVERYONE said. Who knows. I'll be better prepared next time.
That's the ticket....
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I have heard your name toss about here over the few months that I have been posting. Thanks so much for dropping in on my thread.
I really needed to hear what you had to say and appreciate it. One of the things that struck me the most in what you posted was "I know that it is much easier to not have it consume you when things start looking up". Holy crap, is that true. Why is it that DB was easier when things looked more hopeless? What kind of paradox is that?
That's not exactly what I meant Crimson. I just meant that when things look bleak, it is really easy to let the pain and misery consume us. Things start to look more positive, we begin to feel better and ourselves again. My point was that even in the bleak times, I wish that I had let my mind relax more. When things were bad, I felt like the hamster in my head was working 24/7 and was going to have a heart attack at any minute. It made the misery worse, and I look back at all that time that I could have spent trying to enjoy life even a little bit.
DB should be a way of life. Not harder or easier depending on the status of your sitch.
What IS more difficult is when you are having a lot of contact with your spouse. I think that focusing in on the DB principles and strategies is easier when our spouse is wanting nothing to do with us. But when they start to come around, and start having daily conversations with us, it is more difficult to stay focused on what we have learned. But that is the only way to have it become part of our DNA as you said. Practice, practice, practice.
BTW, I'm jealous of your proximity to spring training! Big baseball fan.. big Rockies fan. Never been to spring training though.
Hang in there Crimson. Talk soon.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
My biggest regret by far, in the 2-3 year period leading up to and including the separation,
was how much energy I spent focussed on the uncontrollable. Instead, I should have spent my energy on creating a happier fuller life for ME and my kids, which I COULD control...and SHOULD control anyhow.
When I finally truly detached, (In spurts of course, as others have said, it's not a linear path)
I started to turn things around inside...and it showed on the outside. Somehow when you know you are going to be just fine, with or without your spouse, and you like yourself again,
it radiates.
It attracts...
Learning to let all the uncontrollables in life go &
not just h's feelings/thoughts/plans OR my perceptions of them, but other parts of life as well...
has improved my life hugely. It's probably the best thing about DBing and it's also in the
12 Stepper's Serenity prayer, for a reason. God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot control,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
It is a healthier happier way to live. And it SO helps the DB process.
good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Great day with S! A lot of playing, he got a nice nap in, he cemented his role as "dog-poop monitor" in the backyard, we watched Rio....and....we went to the park and flew a kite....he loved it!
W texted more than usual today - asking how he was etc. - I let her know what we were up to. She texted me and said she was sitting on a patio playing cards with her friend and a Mexican restaurant by her place. I said it sounded fun and she said she "would rather be with her boy :(". I said this back to her and I will say it one time only......."you're more than welcome here - it's a mom-friendly zone". I will not be repeating that message anytime soon.
Hope all is well....or at least as good as it can be.
I will say it one time only......."you're more than welcome here - it's a mom-friendly zone". I will not be repeating that message anytime soon.
Crimson
Yeah Crimson, probably shouldn't have even said it once. She already knows this. Trust me, I understand the temptation. Have done it plenty of times myself. It does you no good and will only prolong the process that you are going through. I like the positive interaction, but you should have given her one last response, 'well, have fun!' and left it at that.
Let your W figure out where she needs to be on her own. She doesn't need an invitation.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Hi, C. I just spent an hour reading your threads. My sit. H. less than 2 months ago dropped bomb. D. date April 12th. I'm trying to find apt. Im 58, he's 62 we are retired. I can't change his mind, no mc, no nuthin, so I'm going to move on, gal, be a better person, and hope, we were married 17 years, that in maybe 17 months, he still wants to be friends and we will see each other sometimes, he will see the new worked on me. It breaks my heart you have such a young child. I'm sure that adds to your intensity. Seeing w all the time must be hard. I've seen h. like 4 times in last 2 months and it always throws me for a couple days. Then I come here and really spend way to much time! and feel better. It feels like my timeline is so much slower and less intense, b/c I really am now starting to get that it's real and it's going to be a long haul and maybe nothing will work for us. But this is helping me cope with the here and now. You at least have some hope and maybe your child will help in more ways than one. Hang in. It's so good to see a man wanting to make it work?
Looking back on it, Denver - yeah - probably should have kept that one to myself. I know she knows that and it was a "twofer"- pressuring and fixing. All in one neat little sentence - nice work, Crimson.
Reading up on your situation I am glad you are where you are, man - you have really put in some long miles. You give me hope.
Regarding Cactus League out here - you really need to check out Salt River Fields where the D-Backs and Rockies share spring training. Awesome new stadium where even the grass says "come....have a beer with me". Also if you are ever up near the next Rockies game - you have GOTTA try Billy's Gourmet Hotdogs on Larimer. Sublime.
I like how you see your simple text to your W as a twofer. I think the more you relax and enjoy, the easier it is to see with clarity how simple things like a text will appear to your W. It's such a win because you are relaxed enough to see it from both sides, easily know how it works or doesn't in the DB world, and don't get wrapped aroung the axle with worry. Be happy first and the rest falls into place (basically what 25 said above). It doesn't mean you or any of us failed because we weren't able to do that right away after the bomb....it means you developed a new life insight, and like all tough paths, the lesson resonates within you.
Keep enjoying.....let go and live...and know that the Redsox will be in the world series in 2012!
Well gang - leaving for round two of S 2-year-old pics. I am actually invited in this one and encouraged to participate! W's sister will be there, too. W arranged this so I am not going to bet my liver that there will be a picture of the three of us together, but I am just happy to be there I think.
Got the baby all cleaned up and in nice clothes. Funny - w asked me what I was going to wear via text - I said I had no idea since I don't feel like I look good in much these days. She told be to go shop. The "less baggy the better". Clearly she is aware my clothes aren't fitting terribly well due to the DB diet. Went and got a new shirt and some new jeans. Waist is now clocking in at 34" - haven't seen that mark since college. Going to go back to the LRT technique of trying to look good - maybe she'll notice! If not - hey, there are a lot go bars in the area. KIDDING!!! Hope all is well.
