C, in regards to your W interpreting your actions as retaliatory, it's probably coming from some of her own filters, but also probably something you really DID do. She didn't walk out because you were pleasant to live with, and that was before the bomb.
Even if you disagree with her interpretations of your actions, I think it's important for you to understand what actions made her feel that way.
Also, I think women are usually really good at remembering what was said or done, probably more so than men, just because women are more relationally-based. My H will continually deny having said the ugly things he's said, and I only ever made any headway with him because he asked to be video-taped during one of our discussions. The next time I referenced something he said and he adamantly denied it, I was able to rewind the tape and play it for him. When he realized he actually had said it, it was almost like he was watching someone else on the tape. There was absolutely no memory of it at all. The really sad thing is that it had happened only 5 minutes before.
Anyway, point is, maybe it's a combination of men's ability to compartmentalize, their fight mode, being flooding with too many words, having emotional overload --- I don't know. I'm just suggesting that it is VERY possible that you did say the things she said you did and you just don't remember it. One of the most hurtful things in my M is my H's lack of ownership for the pain he causes me. It's bad enough that he does it in the first place, but even more painful knowing he does it so casually/automatically, he doesn't even remember it. I'm just suggesting you give it some consideration and give her some benefit of the doubt.
Second point, regarding the IVF. Either you need to be completely willing/prepared to be a divorced, part-time dad potentially forever with all that it entails, and go blindly down that road of how wonderful it will be to have another child, or these discussions about IVF need to come to a screeching halt. IVF is way too emotional of a scenario to hang it out there and then pull it back in because the D is still looming. It's cruel and unusual. Talking about what to do with the frozen embryos is one thing, the doctor asking your W to let him know immediately about your W's next cycle is way off the deep-end.
I'm afraid that you're going to set yourself up for a major fall simply because you're not being honest and open about how you feel. When the doc asked for her next cycle, that would have been a very good time to speak up. Right now, as much as the D is your focus, you've just made the IVF her focus. If you let that dangle out there and pull the rug out at the last minute, her emotional devastation will turn from the lack of the IVF to anger and insisting on the D. At least that's how I would respond (I've done the IVF thing.)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling her the thoughts that you've expressed here. And you need to do it soon. If she's not willing to hear it, better to know now than later.
So w came by last night to drop off s, didn't stay long because she had work to do coming off of spring break. Handed a check over to her and she said "what's this for?".....I said I would get her the other half before the month is out. It's always an odd transaction - handing those checks over - and I can tell that she feels a little awkward or uncomfortable receiving them.
And today you received something from your L asking for wage garnishment. Think the two could be related? I say get on the phone and ask your L if this is standard procedure (like why are you getting this just now) of if this is a specific request from your W's L. Wages don't have to be garnished; it's a burden on the state. If she feels uncomfortable having you hand her a check, and she's looking for an alternative, that's not good.
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That said, there is no way I can move forward with IVF and D at the same time. I think she knows that.
In light of my previous post, that is a very dangerous assumption.
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I can't help but be slightly optimistic since all of our interactions have been so...well...."good"....for quite some time now. But as I mentioned before, the petition is still out there and she has said nothing about pulling it back just yet....nor has she indicated that is on her mind.
I don't like to play devil's advocate, but I'm analytical by nature so I can't help it.
First, your interactions being "good" is fantastic, regardless of how things turn out. Your S needs to have parents that are amiable for his own well-being, whether they're M'd or D'd, so nothing you're doing will be lost.
Second, unfortunately it is possible that this is as good as it's going to get. It is possible that your W is just trying to get along with you, be friends, but really isn't looking for anything more. Doesn't mean she won't ever but maybe not for some time (post-divorce.) You can't be walking on eggshells all the time, not speaking your mind, juggling two visions for a future, and still call it "good." I'm sure you've enjoyed it and it has been great spending time "as a family." But that illusion is just that -- an illusion. Your W is living elsewhere, filing for D, collecting CS and maintenance, with split custody of your son. THAT is reality, at least for now.
Neither one of you are being directly honest with the other, and you can't build a "good" relationship like that.
My money still stands, but I keep getting vibes that I don't like. I just think they need to be addressed.
So got an e-mail from my L. Form attached for me to complete so my wages can have spousal and child support withdrawn automatically. What the hell?
I can't keep doing this. It is too much of a mind f*ck to have positve, forward-looking interactions with W and then still have this awful process grinding in the backgroud. I am having a hard time dealing with the emotional whiplash that it is creating.
I do not want to submit this form. What is going on?!
First of all, it's unlikely you could ignore the form.
Second, as I told you in the past, you are taking a lot of the divorce proceeds way to personal. You are seeing them as attacks on you. THEY ARE NOT.
A lot of it is procedure, forms, etc. the only way they take away from the positive interactions is if you let them. I mean would you rather have venom and these paperwork or positive interactions and paperwork..
Somehow, some way you need to separate the divorce proceedings from the state of your M.
I know it seems to you that if your W was "all in" she could just stop the divorce proceeding and I know that really really bothers you that she hasn't. She isn't there yet.
Also, you don't really know the reason why she hasn't either.
But know that if you are W decides to withdraw the divorce petition it doesn't mean things are suddenly fixed anymore than keeping the petition active means there is no hope.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
So w came by last night to drop off s, didn't stay long because she had work to do coming off of spring break. Handed a check over to her and she said "what's this for?".....I said I would get her the other half before the month is out. It's always an odd transaction - handing those checks over - and I can tell that she feels a little awkward or uncomfortable receiving them.
And today you received something from your L asking for wage garnishment. Think the two could be related? I say get on the phone and ask your L if this is standard procedure (like why are you getting this just now) of if this is a specific request from your W's L. Wages don't have to be garnished; it's a burden on the state. If she feels uncomfortable having you hand her a check, and she's looking for an alternative, that's not good.
How is that not good? If she's uncomfortable with, especially considering where they are, I think she want an easier way to get the $$. Maybe she doesn't want to remind crimson every time who knows.
Also, I don't think this is classic wage garnishment. Many states have a centralized system of automated withdraws that probably makes things easier for everyone involved. this isn't a court order or anything, or at least it doesn't sound like it.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
Centralized system of automated withdrawals = garnishment. Maybe different state = different term, though there's no value in arguing terminology. I believe it is a court order or there would be no reason to involve L's.
I think it's not good because someone who is even considering dropping the D doesn't pursue an action that will take a month to implement when the D itself is only a little over a month away.
Centralized system of automated withdrawals = garnishment. Maybe different state = different term, though there's no value in arguing terminology. I believe it is a court order or there would be no reason to involve L's.
I think it's not good because someone who is even considering dropping the D doesn't pursue an action that will take a month to implement when the D itself is only a little over a month away.
nope. nope nope. A centralized system does not equal garnishment. It just doesn't. Specific language does has a specific terminology. I am L here, so I think I have some better information. C said NOTHING about a court order.
You simply are assuming way too much here.
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. --Jean Jacques Rousseau.
So far GM, most of our R talks have been recapping what has happened and the impact it has had on our respective lives. Granted, they are not hostile convos at all - but they do open the eyes a bit. In doing so, yes, I think I do do a lot of validating. I think I am still in that phase/mode where I want her to feel comfortable with me. We are almost there. I am fearful of injecting an issue with any real gravity to it until she feels safe with her emotions with me.
I am fearful of injecting an issue with any real gravity to it until she feels safe with her emotions with me.
Leading her down this path with the IVF when you don't want to do it with a divorce pending, then backing out of it at the last minute is NOT going to make her feel safe with her emotions with you. I'm fearful you're going to put all this work into getting the squirrel to eat from your hand, then try to grab it by the throat and run it away forever.
