NOTICE: In order to help the OnLine Community run more efficiently, we will be pruning the boards over the next few weeks. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them soon.
Page 14 of 14 < 1 2 ... 12 13 14
Topic Options
#2233334 - 03/26/12 10:09 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crazyville]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1274
CV -

I'm not that opposed to it - just a bit scared to. Plus, I have really been trying to NOT be the one to initiate R talk. She has typically been the one to lead that charge lately and I feel as though if I do she will feel pressured. And if I know one thing, that is the last thing I need to present her with right now. And frankly, I don't think she really knows what she is doing or what she wants 100% right now. Not sure if pushing the issue would help. I hate it, but it seems as though I will have to content myself to wait.

Smudged the whole house last night. Smells like the Grateful Dead and a league of Rastafarians had one hell of a party in here.

Crimson

Top
#2233336 - 03/26/12 10:17 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
I think there's a difference between "pushing the issue" and talking from your heart. I also feel like if she doesn't know what she wants, there's nothing wrong with lighting a candle to light her way.

ps. Not sure what "smudged" means, but based upon your description, I don't think I want to know. smile
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

Top
#2233337 - 03/26/12 10:30 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
I know this falls somewhat on deaf ears, but here goes.

1. Regarding the future. You spend a lot of time wondering what if the D does or doesn't through and you lament the lack of certainty. Guess what? That's life. Nothing is certain, no one knows the future even in your R with your W was the best it could be - that doesn't guarantee that everything else in your life would be grand.
Worrying about the future, a future you can't control, does do is is rob you of the present.

Furthermore what does a D mean to you? Does it mean that your feelings stop at that point, a relationship with your wife is never, ever going to happen. Your child will grow up unloved?


2. Focusing on your child wanting his mommy. I think you are attaching a heartbreaking meaning to it. Guess what? 2-year-olds want their moms sometimes. Does that mean that you W is going to be attached at her hip until he's doesn't want here. Is your W going to be at his beck and call? No. I assume your W has to work sometimes. Even if your were fully R, there'd be times when he wanted his mommy and she wouldn't be around.

I think a lot of times LBS read their emotions, fears, etc into their kids (especially the younger ones) When my W and I lived apart, I tried to keep things as normal as possible and our kids had ZERO problems with the situation. (in fact, it helped our youngest son 2YO, not to be such a momma's boy.)

I didn't try to import my own fears, emotions, etc onto my kids at all. Neither did my wife.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

Top
#2233338 - 03/26/12 10:49 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
I know this falls somewhat on deaf ears, but here goes.

1. Regarding the future. You spend a lot of time wondering what if the D does or doesn't through and you lament the lack of certainty. Guess what? That's life. Nothing is certain, no one knows the future even in your R with your W was the best it could be - that doesn't guarantee that everything else in your life would be grand.
Worrying about the future, a future you can't control, does do is is rob you of the present.

Furthermore what does a D mean to you? Does it mean that your feelings stop at that point, a relationship with your wife is never, ever going to happen. Your child will grow up unloved?


2. Focusing on your child wanting his mommy. I think you are attaching a heartbreaking meaning to it. Guess what? 2-year-olds want their moms sometimes. Does that mean that you W is going to be attached at her hip until he's doesn't want here. Is your W going to be at his beck and call? No. I assume your W has to work sometimes. Even if your were fully R, there'd be times when he wanted his mommy and she wouldn't be around.

I think a lot of times LBS read their emotions, fears, etc into their kids (especially the younger ones) When my W and I lived apart, I tried to keep things as normal as possible and our kids had ZERO problems with the situation. (in fact, it helped our youngest son 2YO, not to be such a momma's boy.)

I didn't try to import my own fears, emotions, etc onto my kids at all. Neither did my wife.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

Top
#2233355 - 03/26/12 11:45 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Harrier]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1274
Harrier -

Not falling on deaf ears at all. I value your input and frankness. Hell, I think you were one of the first people to respond to my first thread - that seems like a million years ago.

So if I think about it practically, the D really is nothing more than a point in time. The significance, however, from a psychological point of view, is tough to deal with. Most of that is ego driven...ande fear driven. If you are a person that stuggles with rejection - and I am - D is right around the pinnacle of rejection.

Regarding S - I don't think I am projecting much onto him. When he asks for his mom a lot it is just one of those things that serves as a reminder that she is not around and it just thrusts our situation into the forefront of my mind. He is adjusting to this lifestyle OK, a lot of that has to do with the fact that w and I are doing OK together right now.

Notwithstanding, I see your point and acknowledge that it is something that I need to be aware of. I could easily see myself falling into the trap of projecting my feelings onto my S.

Guess I should start a new thread....I am going to get locked soon.

Crimson

Top
Page 14 of 14 < 1 2 ... 12 13 14


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004