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#2233253 - 03/26/12 02:14 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Ichrus Offline
Member

Registered: 12/09/11
Posts: 30
Loc: California
Crimson,

Have to say that I look at your sitch with hope and dread, and see a lot of similarities to my own. I expect my W will (and needs) to move out on her own for a bit. I hope I have a chance in many ways to connect as you have started to again toward building a new R, I also somewhat dread the difficulty of the path you (and perhaps I) will be on.

I don't think I have any wise, experienced advice for you (as I feel I am at an earlier point in the process that you have already passed). Stay true to yourself, look to GAL and do what makes you happy. Be the best father you can be for your child, try to take in all the info and decide to make a choice for yourself...maybe it will be to continue to softly engage your W and try to build on that, maybe it will be to pull back and see what that means and what happens...but make your own choices in life for you and do it in a way that YOU are fine with whatever happens because YOU made the choice.

I know it is not particularly helpful, but I always like the quote "different is not always better...but better is always different". What can you do for yourself (and your child) that is different, and maybe better?
_________________________
Me:34, W:33
M:11 T:18
D1:6yo
D2&3:4yo (twins)
Bomb/ILYBNILWY/EA w/ co-worker: Oct 2011
Still in house together, she has move out date set for May 27, we tell the kids May 24...I hate "May"

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#2233263 - 03/26/12 02:56 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Ichrus]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1294
Hey Rick - Good question. I have said before that I would rather lose everything I own with my wife and son with me than prosper without them. One of the lessons I have learned in all of this is that money and "stuff" are not the most important things/pursuits in life. My fear centers around failure mostly, the inability to provide well for myself and my son. The inability to plan for the future financially - college, retirement, and so on. That does not supersede my family, it just lingers as an ongoing anxiety for me in the background.

I sat in church with w and sil today and thought that at times God can be humbling. I am starting to feel that in many ways, from how I communicate to what I value, I am being humbled. Brought back down to Earth. Centered. Broken and given an opportunity to rebuild. If nothing else, this has been humbling and has caused me to take a secondary look at priorities.

Family. It's about family. It's not about having all the answers to the future of how to PROVIDE for that family...just having a family and developing an environment where love and support are the pillars of your home/life. That was a humbling discovery for me. That is why I regret being so afraid to have a second child when that is all I want right now.

Yes, we get broken down in this experience. But I am doing my best to make sure that it is for a PURPOSE and not for me to wallow (which I do at times). Not sure if the breaking down portion of this is over for me yet - maybe that is what the whole financial piece is about. Regardless, I can feel part of the rebuild happening.

Hope you all are DB'ing as best you can tonight.

Take care.

Crimson

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#2233282 - 03/26/12 04:01 AM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
C, hang tough. No one said it would be easy, but it will be worth it.

Just curious, are you really that opposed to having a heart-to-heart with your W about these things you express here? Did you cover any of that in MC? I'm just afraid that she's doing just as much second-guessing as you are, but neither of you are really getting deep with the other. I know there have been opposing mis-queues in the past, it just seems like it would be good to head off any current ones sooner than later. If you broach the topic and she tells you she absolutely is going to get on with life without you, at least then you'll know. Anything better will just be icing on the cake, and still you'll at least get to know.
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2233334 - 03/26/12 02:09 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crazyville]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1294
CV -

I'm not that opposed to it - just a bit scared to. Plus, I have really been trying to NOT be the one to initiate R talk. She has typically been the one to lead that charge lately and I feel as though if I do she will feel pressured. And if I know one thing, that is the last thing I need to present her with right now. And frankly, I don't think she really knows what she is doing or what she wants 100% right now. Not sure if pushing the issue would help. I hate it, but it seems as though I will have to content myself to wait.

Smudged the whole house last night. Smells like the Grateful Dead and a league of Rastafarians had one hell of a party in here.

Crimson

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#2233336 - 03/26/12 02:17 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Crazyville Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/12
Posts: 1047
I think there's a difference between "pushing the issue" and talking from your heart. I also feel like if she doesn't know what she wants, there's nothing wrong with lighting a candle to light her way.

ps. Not sure what "smudged" means, but based upon your description, I don't think I want to know. smile
_________________________
Me:49 WAW H:59
T:19.5 M:19
S:13

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#2233337 - 03/26/12 02:30 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
I know this falls somewhat on deaf ears, but here goes.

1. Regarding the future. You spend a lot of time wondering what if the D does or doesn't through and you lament the lack of certainty. Guess what? That's life. Nothing is certain, no one knows the future even in your R with your W was the best it could be - that doesn't guarantee that everything else in your life would be grand.
Worrying about the future, a future you can't control, does do is is rob you of the present.

Furthermore what does a D mean to you? Does it mean that your feelings stop at that point, a relationship with your wife is never, ever going to happen. Your child will grow up unloved?


2. Focusing on your child wanting his mommy. I think you are attaching a heartbreaking meaning to it. Guess what? 2-year-olds want their moms sometimes. Does that mean that you W is going to be attached at her hip until he's doesn't want here. Is your W going to be at his beck and call? No. I assume your W has to work sometimes. Even if your were fully R, there'd be times when he wanted his mommy and she wouldn't be around.

I think a lot of times LBS read their emotions, fears, etc into their kids (especially the younger ones) When my W and I lived apart, I tried to keep things as normal as possible and our kids had ZERO problems with the situation. (in fact, it helped our youngest son 2YO, not to be such a momma's boy.)

I didn't try to import my own fears, emotions, etc onto my kids at all. Neither did my wife.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2233338 - 03/26/12 02:49 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Crimson]
Harrier Offline
Member

Registered: 11/11/10
Posts: 781
Loc: Connecticut
I know this falls somewhat on deaf ears, but here goes.

1. Regarding the future. You spend a lot of time wondering what if the D does or doesn't through and you lament the lack of certainty. Guess what? That's life. Nothing is certain, no one knows the future even in your R with your W was the best it could be - that doesn't guarantee that everything else in your life would be grand.
Worrying about the future, a future you can't control, does do is is rob you of the present.

Furthermore what does a D mean to you? Does it mean that your feelings stop at that point, a relationship with your wife is never, ever going to happen. Your child will grow up unloved?


2. Focusing on your child wanting his mommy. I think you are attaching a heartbreaking meaning to it. Guess what? 2-year-olds want their moms sometimes. Does that mean that you W is going to be attached at her hip until he's doesn't want here. Is your W going to be at his beck and call? No. I assume your W has to work sometimes. Even if your were fully R, there'd be times when he wanted his mommy and she wouldn't be around.

I think a lot of times LBS read their emotions, fears, etc into their kids (especially the younger ones) When my W and I lived apart, I tried to keep things as normal as possible and our kids had ZERO problems with the situation. (in fact, it helped our youngest son 2YO, not to be such a momma's boy.)

I didn't try to import my own fears, emotions, etc onto my kids at all. Neither did my wife.
_________________________
Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.
--Jean Jacques Rousseau.

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#2233355 - 03/26/12 03:45 PM Re: Never thought I'd be here..........Part 12 [Re: Harrier]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1294
Harrier -

Not falling on deaf ears at all. I value your input and frankness. Hell, I think you were one of the first people to respond to my first thread - that seems like a million years ago.

So if I think about it practically, the D really is nothing more than a point in time. The significance, however, from a psychological point of view, is tough to deal with. Most of that is ego driven...ande fear driven. If you are a person that stuggles with rejection - and I am - D is right around the pinnacle of rejection.

Regarding S - I don't think I am projecting much onto him. When he asks for his mom a lot it is just one of those things that serves as a reminder that she is not around and it just thrusts our situation into the forefront of my mind. He is adjusting to this lifestyle OK, a lot of that has to do with the fact that w and I are doing OK together right now.

Notwithstanding, I see your point and acknowledge that it is something that I need to be aware of. I could easily see myself falling into the trap of projecting my feelings onto my S.

Guess I should start a new thread....I am going to get locked soon.

Crimson

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