A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 2 of 12 < 1 2 3 4 ... 11 12 >
Topic Options
#2230319 - 03/13/12 10:35 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: labug
Grief is a normal part of this process. Don't ignore it, work through that. Do you see an IC? Is there a Divorce care or recovery group in your town?

I was seeing a therapist when this all began but felt like I came to a standstill with her and have since been referred to another therapist that my friend absolutely loved but I have no money to afford one. Sad, but true.

Try not to worry about what he's thinking. Live your life as if you are divorced.

Do you need him for you to be happy? If so, that's not good whether you divorce or not. You should be in control of your happiness.

This has been a huge factor from his standpoint and I get it. I have actually come a long way. These feelings came out of no where because I was doing really well without him.


Have you read Codependent No More? It might help you.

I have not, I will look into getting it... thank you for the tip.

What things are you doing for YOU? What are your GAL's? What are your goals for you?

I am trying to spend quality time with my kids, becoming a better mother and connecting with them more. I'm trying to consistently work out, I feel sooo much better and have so much more energy when I do. I'm trying to overcome this anxiety of feeling like I can't get things done around the house. I want it to come naturally and not be such a struggle for me anymore. These are all things I want for me because it makes ME happier being this person.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2230322 - 03/13/12 10:41 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I have also made my religion one of my top priorities which was something that I needed to make a priority all along, I'm learning.

I think one of the hardest things for me right now is that I just moved in with my mom and her husband (not my father) and as much as I appreciate their support and love, I feel like the third wheel with some major baggage. And they live in a city that is pretty far from where all of my friends live so I am going through that process of having to meet new people and make new friends but it is very much outside my comfort zone to put myself out there.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2230332 - 03/13/12 11:45 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8762
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: jks
I was seeing a therapist when this all began but felt like I came to a standstill with her and have since been referred to another therapist that my friend absolutely loved but I have no money to afford one. Sad, but true.


Look for other resources. Does your pastor or someone at your church do counseling? Divorce support groups can be helpful.

Originally Posted By: jks
I am trying to spend quality time with my kids, becoming a better mother and connecting with them more. I'm trying to consistently work out, I feel sooo much better and have so much more energy when I do. I'm trying to overcome this anxiety of feeling like I can't get things done around the house. I want it to come naturally and not be such a struggle for me anymore. These are all things I want for me because it makes ME happier being this person.


This is good! Do more of it.

And it's always a struggle. Learning new behaviors just is. Keep at it.

Create a vision of who you want to be and keep moving toward it.

Visit some other threads here, post to them. You will build relationships and support. Visit mimivac, purgatory, nhmom, barelyfloating, bklynmom, zip, adinva.

We are all in this together.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2230353 - 03/14/12 02:01 AM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Thank you, Labug. I will definitely look into some alt resources for support.

Yes, it is insane what a struggle it is to get out of old habits. However, one thing I am grateful for is the fact that I'm doing this on my own... not living with H anymore because I do think it would make it that much harder. There is a plus to being separated just for the sheer fact of not having the emotional distraction of your spouse being right there to watch your every move.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2230720 - 03/15/12 03:32 AM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Not much to report. H still hasn't said a word to me about rescheduling our breakfast. He always seems happy when I see him and he's always nice. The drop off of the kids today was fast and uneventful.

These are the only times I get to see him. I still put on my happy face and I try to be up and ready for the day when he gets here. I've been doing a lot better at keeping things tidy. But have yet to organize the kid's toys which has been weighing on my shoulders ever since I moved in with my mom. And to make it worse, my S had two birthday parties this week so now he has a ton more to add to the pile. Looks like we're gonna have to get rid of some things. Total anxiety just thinking about it. My goal is to get this done tomorrow. We shall see.

I'm just wondering if anyone has had the experience of having your spouse totally and completely not talk about things at all for weeks and weeks and weeks on end. And acting like things are completely fine. I have this nagging feeling of just wanting to know what he's thinking and then I forget about it for a day and then I go right back to it again.

So many times I've been tempted to text him and ask him what he's thinking. But my first thought after that is, "no, you've come this far... you're doing really well... plus, is this going to push him further away or is it going to bring him closer?" And obviously it will probably push him away.

He is the KING of not talking about anything. For our whole marriage I have pretty much gotten just the surface of him. He just doesn't share his deepest thoughts... ever! For the most part he has always just agreed with what I say. And through this separation I have forced so much out of him that I never knew. It is quite astonishing.

I was even the one that brought up the subject of him not loving me anymore. I still, to this day, don't know if he would have ever said anything. This, I know, is something that must change if we stay together. I, like most women, need that emotional connection. And it cannot be forced, he needs to feel safe enough to want to share it with me. I hope and pray that one day our relationship can go to that level. Long roads ahead... wow...
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2230765 - 03/15/12 09:49 AM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5209
Originally Posted By: jks
I'm just wondering if anyone has had the experience of having your spouse totally and completely not talk about things at all for weeks and weeks and weeks on end. And acting like things are completely fine.

Sounds like he is just following the script.
All is not as it seems, I can assure you that.
His mask is firmly in place and he will not let you see beneath it.
You need to continue to live your life, letting him go.
I am afraid to say that he is very much at the start of this and has a very long ways to go.

Try not to push him away.
You have the right idea about this.
DO NOT TEXT or PURSUE, it will not work.

Come here and post instead.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S26

Top
#2230788 - 03/15/12 12:47 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 8762
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
He is the KING of not talking about anything. For our whole marriage I have pretty much gotten just the surface of him. He just doesn't share his deepest thoughts... ever! For the most part he has always just agreed with what I say. And through this separation I have forced so much out of him that I never knew. It is quite astonishing.


I'm married to someone very similar. We've now been separated a year and it continues. He has not initiated contact with me but for a few times. No relationship talk at all, no talk of divorce.

This is the gift of time to become the you you've always wanted to be. If H notices and likes it great, if not you have something valuable-YOU.

Lose the anger, (if it's there) and get into the mindset that it's over and go live your life.

Maybe Cadet can point you to his pursuer/distancer information.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

Top
#2230944 - 03/15/12 07:24 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Both of your posts are things I needed to hear.

I know what I'm going through and feeling is what most LBS's experience... one day you're on top of the world feeling like you're growing and learning so much as an individual and the next you're right back in a ditch wondering how in the world you got there. How in the world could the person you trust the most be the one who is causing all this pain?? It is THE biggest roller coaster ride EVER!!

At one point while we were separated I did have a date set up with another guy. I was at my wits end... just feeling like things were over and it may be the only thing that can help me move on. After arranging where to meet for dinner, I immediately felt completely wrong about doing it for several reasons and cancelled with him.

Has anyone else taken this route? I'm just curious about thoughts on that. Obviously, we have to do what feels right to us but sometimes doing something you wouldn't normally do may be just what you needed... IDK, I could be way off.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
#2230947 - 03/15/12 07:31 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: jks]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2536
Loc: Piney Land
If u are asking about the dating it is not a good idea if u are trying to save the M. You will bring all that baggage into a new R and be back here DBing again. You did the right thing by canceling. Right now work on you and the things that got you here.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






Top
#2230948 - 03/15/12 07:37 PM Re: Needing some guidance... [Re: Rick1963]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Rick1963
If u are asking about the dating it is not a good idea if u are trying to save the M. You will bring all that baggage into a new R and be back here DBing again. You did the right thing by canceling. Right now work on you and the things that got you here.


Thank you... I think you're very right. Do I really want to make a disaster out of a mess I'm already in? Not so much.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



Top
Page 2 of 12 < 1 2 3 4 ... 11 12 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004