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#2208809 - 12/29/11 12:58 AM W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P1

Well I survived Christmas. I got my S for 2 hours on Christmas Eve to take him to my Grandma's house to get my S present and play with his cousins. My W asked me to bring him to her dad's house which was awkward for me but did it with no problem. I got my S for the 2nd half of the day on Christmas and we opened presents at my parents house so they could take pics for me. The rest of my siblings came over for the rest of the evening with their kids and we had a great time together.

The next day my W asked what my S and I are doing. I said letting our S play with all his new toys. She asked if she could come over to see him which I said sure. I found it funny she wants to come over the day after Christmas but not do Christmas morning. More of the weird actions of a WAW. She stayed about 45mins and tells me she is moving to another apartment type place of another friend who is building it at their house. I told her ok and asked her about calling the counselor. She asked me to email the contact info which I did the next day. My W indicated she would need more kitchen stuff which I said ok. We discussed New Years plans which apparently she is going to Tahoe which sounds like she will be partying but oh well.

My BIL informed me that my W freaked out on him last Saturday to point that he was ready to leave their dad's house because my W couldn't take a joke. He texted me that he experienced what you must have have been experience for quite sometime. I just agreed as my W is always angry it seems.

I'm waiting for my W to call the counselor at this point. I'm not sure what she is afraid of about calling the counselor. I think she means that the counselor will force her to do things she doesn't want to do I guess, who knows. I will just keep trucking on I guess. Not sure how much longer I can keep doing this as I feel stick in neutral forever.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2208876 - 12/29/11 11:12 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
ANS Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/01
Posts: 2694
Hi Snowman,

I just read through your other thread, and I only have one piece of advice for you.

You need to detatch!

Your W is pulling away from you. She is seeking outside help (counceling), and you are not involved in that process.

She's on an emotional roller coaster right now, and obviously doesn't want your input. There's nothing you can do to influence her.

Sorry, my friend, but at this point, there's nothing you can do except to concentrate on yourself. I know it bites, but you have to go with the flow.

Try not to analyze things too much. I know that it's not easy, but you're driving yourself nuts with speculation.

Instead of "waiting for my W to call the counselor" work on something you CAN control. I.e.: work on YOU!

Five years ago, your W fell in love with you. She has forgotten why she fell in love with you.

Without pushing it on her, remind yourself what it is she fell in love with you. I bet some of those things have kinda slid away. Maybe you can come up with some 180's to bring them back.

But as you turn these things around, bear in mind that you absolutely should not put any pressure on her. If she senses that you're making any changes to get her back, her reaction will not be the one you're looking for.
_________________________
Andy

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#2209310 - 12/31/11 01:53 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
I have been working on me. I have been the best father to my S that I can be. I have spent as much time as possible with him.

I will brainstorm on the 180's to think of some more.

I will say I'm growing very tired of this and not sure how much longer I can go or want to go.

My anniversary is on January 4th and I'm not sure what I should be doing there. Should I do anything or not?

It's hard not to backslide when your W continues to drive you crazy by being so erratic. I have been working on detaching but the more I do the more I want a D.

I for sure need to not analyze so much especially sense I'm an analytical person. That is hard when so many know about us since it is hard to hide a missing W.

I will do some thinking on the why she fell in love with me back then but I will say things and circumstances have definitely changed not just during this ordeal.

This situation is wearing me out. I want to be able to relax just once and enjoy myself which is part of the detaching I know. Sometimes I just feel like a pacifist that tip toeing around hoping not to anger the beast and wonder to myself why do I have to live like this. It's like you have to walk on water for my W or something. Its all just backwards which I know is typical from all the posts I have read around her. Sorry just venting I guess.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2209415 - 12/31/11 01:33 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
ANS Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/01
Posts: 2694
Sorry to hear you're wearing out, Snowman. It's terribly wearing!

It's hard to try to do the right things without analyzing. Catch-22!

FWIW, I concentrate almost entirely on my autistic son. Add being the primary bread winner, and a demanding job, the GAL technique is virtually out of the question for me.

But those two things do keep my mind occupied, and stop me from dwelling on my M.

Personally, I don't try to hide the fact that I miss my W. I do, however avoid making an issue of it. I do avoid talking about it, even to friends. And I absolutely stopped analyzing the why's and the wherefores.

I find that my W has twisted so many things around in her analysis of me (including some very hurtful help from a councelor), that I can only conclude that if I analyse W, I'll very likely be wrong too.
Originally Posted By: Snowman
My anniversary is on January 4th and I'm not sure what I should be doing there. Should I do anything or not?
Thatís a tricky one. Despite my comments to detach and stop second-guessing your W, this is a situation where you have to deviate from the course a bit. My best advice is to try to figure out how it would be received by your W. If you do decide to do something, keep it small. You really canít afford to do anything that would be perceived as pursuing.
Originally Posted By: Snowman
I will do some thinking on the why she fell in love with me back then but I will say things and circumstances have definitely changed not just during this ordeal.
Yep. Itís a moving target, and not just post-bomb. When considering 180ís, you have to consider that it cannot smell of persuit. Some safer 180ís might include things you did outside of your R that may have attracted W to you. Maybe activities that you already engaged in, and your W joined later?
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Its all just backwards which I know is typical from all the posts I have read around her. Sorry just venting I guess.

Venting is one of the reasons for this board. Iím sure youíve heard it before, but itís better to vent here than to W!
_________________________
Andy

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#2210183 - 01/04/12 12:49 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Well my W may be cracking. We have a very good text chat about us (I think text is our medium of choice for now). She acutally said she missed me and us. She also said she was serious about what she said about not giving up on us. This all started because I received a L solicitation saying according to the state court records I am a respondent in a divorce proceeding. I text my W about it and said she had not talked to her L for 2+ weeks but she would call to see what is up. From this the conversation opened up some true feelings and honesty. I know my W was in there somewhere.

The next day we ended up doing breakfast together with my son. It was a little awkward but good. I texted her again today to ask about the lawyer thing and she said she left a message with her L to see what is going on as she had told the L to put everything on hold weeks ago. L want their money so I would not be surprised if the L pulled the trigger.

Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary so I'm having some flowers delivered to her work. I asked her if she would be open to dinner or something tomorrow and she said yes. I asked her about doing it without our S and she is still thinking about it. One way or another we are going. She is also going to call the counselor even though she was suppose to today. We will see.

I know I need to be careful and not push or pressure but I was not just going to let my anniversary go by without doing something. I will envision the best outcome and hope for the best. If we start to work on our R it will take time but will be worth it.

I'm going on a trip to Hawaii with my family so I told her about it as I won't be taking my S so I wanted her to know in advance and my W informed me she is going on a trip to London which was very surprising to say the least. Her Grandma is paying for her plan ticket and she is going with 2 girlfriends. I must say I'm hurt a little bit that she is going on one of her dream trips without me but there is nothing I can do about it now so I will just embrace it I guess. My W also informed me she partied until 5am in the morning for New Years which was somewhat shocking considering I don't recall he doing that before in the past or before our M. Not sure what that's about but it seems out of character again for her.

Anyway I will keep you all posted. Pray and hope the best for me as I have been fighting the good fight for some progress for a long time it seems like.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2210383 - 01/04/12 07:32 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
ANS Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/01
Posts: 2694
Originally Posted By: Snowman
She acutally said she missed me and us. She also said she was serious about what she said about not giving up on us.
That's a very positive sign, Snowman.
Originally Posted By: Snowman
I know I need to be careful and not push or pressure but I was not just going to let my anniversary go by without doing something.
Very true. I think you've got a pretty good handle on things. Most of us are up against a brick wall, so GAL and LRT can be helpful. I think you're in a little better place. Your W seems to be much more receptive than most.

There was an expression going around the boards a few years back....

slowlee slowlee....

That's the way to go.

Let your W set the pace.
_________________________
Andy

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#2210662 - 01/06/12 12:09 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
I gave my W flowers for our anniversary and of course she was appreciative but frustrated at the same time. She read more into than it was but in the end it sparked a candid conversation starting with the flowers and going into more detail about things. I explained that I sent the flowers because wanted to because I didn't want our anniversary go go by with doing something. I did it because I wanted to and out of the goodness of my heart. i had no alternative motive. She was somewhat receptive of that but wanted to bring up the past about flowers like I never gave them to her but I did.

From there the conversation went into explain that I didn't want to live like this anymore and asking what she was afraid or feared. She said she would write it down in an email for me and I said that would be great. I understood her fears and told her I have my own as well but I was not going to act out of fear anymore. I told her I wanted hones conversations and if there was questions about communication through email or text that she should please call me. Some other things were said and it was all very candid and honest which was nice for a change.

Now my W and I are meeting for dinner tomorrow to discuss things. She is still scared or afraid of whatever when it comes to committing on working on our R or going to marriage counseling. I'm very interested to hear what she has to say. I know I need to be very careful at this point but at the same token my walking on eggshells this whole time got me no where that I see until I was ready to move on. She is not sure what she wants to do but man I just feel this can't go much longer for the either of us because it is just making life bad.

What advice do people have for me tomorrow for my dinner with my W? I don't have any expectations and I still want to take it slow by all means by I do want to take it in one direction or another.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

Top
#2210958 - 01/07/12 11:05 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
ANS Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/01
Posts: 2694
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Now my W and I are meeting for dinner tomorrow to discuss things. She is still scared or afraid of whatever when it comes to committing on working on our R or going to marriage counseling. I'm very interested to hear what she has to say. I know I need to be very careful at this point but at the same token my walking on eggshells this whole time got me no where that I see until I was ready to move on. She is not sure what she wants to do but man I just feel this can't go much longer for the either of us because it is just making life bad.

What advice do people have for me tomorrow for my dinner with my W? I don't have any expectations and I still want to take it slow by all means by I do want to take it in one direction or another.


Iím going to go out on a limb here. Please take what I have to say with the appropriate grain of salt.

R talks are mostly contradicted by DB. But IMHO, thereís still a place for them when the S is still somewhat receptive as seems to be the case with your W. I think that when people fear C, itís because theyíre afraid that the C will side with the other person. However, I also think that if you get a good C who will try to facilitate improvement in your R without pointing fingers, it can be very helpful. Iím not speaking from experience here. My W never wanted couples C, and her individual C encouraged her to walk away.

All that being said, youíve committed to a R talk, so you canít back out now without seeming to cop out. When you meet with her, just tell her that you want to understand her issues, and take corrective action. Tell her that you donít want C so you can ďwinĒ, but rather to have someone who can help you understand her issues so that you can take corrective action.

Don't ask for commitment to work on your R. Just give her your commitment that you will.

Thatís what you want, right?

And above all... Do not revert to begging, whining, etc. Just lay it all out calmly.

Best of luck, Snowman.
_________________________
Andy

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#2211340 - 01/09/12 10:02 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ANS]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Well, we have our dinner last Friday and it was less then satisfactory. She said she wanted to talk but we go and she just chit chats about stuff about work, travel, and other stuff but never brings up R talk until finally I asked a question about how she feels about us.
W: She responded with I pretty much feel the same as I have the whole time.
Me: I said can I ask why?
W: I just do. I will write my feelings down for you (She has said that numerous time with no result).
At this point I'm confused because of all the other stuff she has said by text to me the week earlier and now I'm confused and it seems that she has gone cold again or just shuts down when she gets in front of me.

Me: I asked her again if she was going to call the C?
W: Claims yet again she has been so busy at work that she has not had time (what a lame excuse).
Me: I ask what she is afraid of calling the counselor?
W: I'm not afraid I'm just busy. Maybe me not calling is saying something.
Me: I want to go to counseling so we can talk about this stuff and understand our issues. The counselor is not going to force you or me to do anything we don't want to.
Me: I would like to know what you want to do about counseling next week as you have been promising for weeks you will call. This has been going on for 6 months and should be enough time to figure out.
W: I know, I will think about it this weekend and let you know.
Me: I appreciate that. This is your decision as I have expressed my willingness to work on this and like to hold R talks for the counselor.

There was probably some other chit chat but that was the jist of it. She just wants to sit on the white picket fence forever and flip flop on things. This can't go on forever.

I check our cell records again and she is back to texting and calling guys so apparently she is not done with them. Man this is getting old. I want to text the one guy and tell him to cut it out especially since he is part of the same religion as me and works for the church who would fire him if they knew what he is doing.

Anyway, I guess I'm still on the ride but I don't want to stay on much longer like this.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

Top
#2211426 - 01/09/12 02:09 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
ANS Offline
Member

Registered: 04/02/01
Posts: 2694
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Anyway, I guess I'm still on the ride but I don't want to stay on much longer like this.

Hi Snowman,

I just wanted to point out to you that you're in hot pursuit. Have you read DB and/or DR? The more you push, the more she's gonna pull away. It's human nature.

You're repeatedly asking her to explain herself, to go to C, checking cell records...

If you don't want to stay on much longer like this, then you have to change "this." And you cannot change her

You can only change your R by changing your interactions with your W.

Your motto should be "change my marriage by changing myself."

Just my opinion, but if you keep on doing more of the same, you can expect more of the same from your W.

Good luck, Snowman!
_________________________
Andy

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