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#2237336 - 04/11/12 09:59 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 9938
Loc: west coast
purg

how are you these days?

Don't drop off the face of the earth. You don't have to write a novel - but let us know you are alright.

((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2237746 - 04/13/12 05:43 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
H has been tinkering in the garage with woodwork- I'm actually glad he's found an outlet for his energy. HOWEVER- I found a ring that he crafted. It was small enough to fit my finger. That night I also found a matching man's ring (it was bigger and wider). I didn't go into the garage snooping- but all his projects were laid out on the workbench and I was impressed with them.

(I couldn't hold my mouth shut) when I asked him about them, I got some BS about selling them online- and when I told him to stop lying to me, he admitted that he would like to give it to OW, but he's not ready for that step yet (as if that was supposed to make me feel better.) After an hour talking, I cried like I haven't done since the bomb. I even hid in my car b/c it's the only place he wouldn't be able to hear me.

Other things I heard in our talk:
- Love is not a choice, and you can never convince me otherwise.
- We had a relationship, now it's done- that should be the end of it.
- People are capable of change, but there are certain things that you will never be able to change and those are what will keep me from loving you again. (when I said that these things obviously didn't matter 9 years ago) he said: "I was wrong 9 years ago."
- Moving on is easier with someone next to you .(I asked why he couldn't even try to heal/ find his happiness alone) He said he shouldn't have to of there's something available.

So with all of this rolling around in my head all night, I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to just give up. This guy has been gone for a while and I was to stupid to realize that there is nothing I can do about it.

I just can't see that someone would ever have a change of heart after all this. In only 5 months he has: gotten a lawyer, drawn up separation papers, changed his Will, moved out, made matching rings for himself and OW, an is willing to break the rules to keep up communication with her.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2237763 - 04/13/12 06:17 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: purgatory]
fightingforit Offline
Member

Registered: 03/23/12
Posts: 96

Purgatory-
Sorry to hear you are in this place. I also have really young children and I am shocked and hurt, for myself somewhat but really for them more than anything. He says a lot of the same things my husband does, and it hurts. I don't have any great advice but that I am thinking of you and I know how sad you must feel.
When I feel really bad I wipe away my tears and cuddle with my kids:)
_________________________
M 37, H 37
M 10, T 12
S 4
D 2
3/14/12 ILYBNILWY
4/2/12 H consults a L, files nothing
4/26/12 H moves to his new place

I do not want to have regrets

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#2237779 - 04/13/12 07:30 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: fightingforit]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 9938
Loc: west coast
oh Purg....

wth? I feel so bad for you. I'll post when I can write more. I hope to God you know you will be alright no matter what happens.

And your h's infatuation with OW (b/c It IS NOT love, sorry but I don't buy that) will end when life (insert dramatic James Dean voice here )

isn't "tearing them apart!!!" IOW when reality sinks in and the mess they are creating for two families and maybe a career too, hits them.

It can only improve for you and only deteriorate for him...not to seek revenge...

just sayin'

sending you major hugs

((((( !!! ))))

cry
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2237788 - 04/13/12 08:12 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/08/11
Posts: 1272
Purg, So sorry that you had to go through this.

He is obviously fantasising and experimenting - he's not sure what he's doing.

If you can, try to think about the need to give him time to work through his mess.
It is 5 months - but that's not long in the scheme of things.

I'm desperate for some movement in a positive direction from my H at the moment, just like you.

And when I don't see any, I decide I will have to settle for closure - i.e. being done with what I should recognise as a hopeless situation.

BUT... then I remember that DB says don't lose hope.

Be more patient than you thought you could ever be.

Give your S TIME to work through his turmoil.

And understand that what they say and do today may not be what they say and do tomorrow.

And while you are still working on your self and with him, you still have the opportunity, at every interaction, to change the dynamic between you.

It may take a year, not 5 months; it may take 2 years.

Keep this sort of time frame in mind and then think about how you want to proceed. Would it be worth it if you had to wait longer for things to get better?

We're here to help you endure the sad times and to share the suffering. We know how hard it is.

Big hugs to you,
NLW

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#2237798 - 04/13/12 08:53 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: NLW]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
And when I don't see any, I decide I will have to settle for closure - i.e. being done with what I should recognise as a hopeless situation.

BUT... then I remember that DB says don't lose hope.


yes exactly - after i heard mil say today that she had given up hope, i lost hope - then i sat and read LRT in the DR book and i am filled with hope again. are we fooling ourselves or is it a combo of having faith,letting go and moving forward

this is the real pain we feel isn't it?
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2237799 - 04/13/12 08:55 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: zig]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 983
((((P))))

You're an amazing person no matter how crazy the alien-husband is. Its going to hurt because you care. Then remember how strong you are.
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2237801 - 04/13/12 08:57 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: zig]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
(((Purg))) I am so sorry you are going through this. Just know the changes you are making are for you and your children. They will make you a better mother and a better you.

Maybe your H will catch up. Maybe he won't. But you will know you gave it your all, and will come out on top no matter what!
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2237816 - 04/13/12 10:03 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: RoRoinMD]
wishing, hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 2561
Loc: Wisconsin
I am so sorry to read this. Sounds like your H is living in the fantasy world instead of the real world like mine. One day they will wake up and realized how foolish they were. Perhaps by then it will be too late.

Hugs!!!
_________________________
AT BD: Me 41, H 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
T15 M13; Two kids, one dog
In process of D since 2/2012, no end in sight
H engaged to OW who is needy and crippled (her words)
"No matter where you go, there you are"

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#2237861 - 04/14/12 07:30 AM Re: The Space Between... [Re: wishing, hoping]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1603
I feel your pain because I feel the same pain. The pain is unimaginable.

Dont give up hope. Fighting for your family and your children is the most noble cause. You are not the fool, he is.
_________________________
----
M 37
H 34
D3,D2
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Served 5/2/12


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