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#2229613 03/11/12 06:06 PM
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LINK to my last thread.

Yep, that's the Dave Matthews song I named my new thread after. It's on one of my playlists, and listening to it now- using my sitch as a filter- it has a whole new meaning to me. I'm standing in the space between an unhappy M and a fulfilling future.... alone or with H.

I'm focusing on the 'good things' about my M and choosing to bring those to the future, while leaving the pain behind. I have made peace in my heart that I forgive myself for what I did in the past, doesn't mean I'm making excuses or denying my responsibility for getting to my current sitch. Lord knows I wish I could go back and do things differently, but since a time machine hasn't been invented yet- I have to stop dwelling on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. I choose to live only in the hear and now and make efforts towards moving forward.

I've seen H become more comfortable around me and the house in recent weeks, but he still hasn't made any signs about changing his mind. He and OW only talk once a week and he's not allowed to go over to her house anymore- per her L orders for her own D proceedings. I'm not an idiot to think that there aren't ways around this- but this is what he has told me and so I choose to let him live with the guilt if in fact he IS lying to me.

On my last thread, NHMOM made a good point: what if he's detaching himself from me and the kids to protect us (in some strange way) in case something happens to him in AFG. Thinking of our interactions with this concept in mind- some of his statements make more sense:
"You have to learn how to do this on your own", "I'm not always going to be around to help"... I used to think of these as his way of reminding me that he wants a D, but maybe there's another level to them- that he's actually preparing me to be alone if something bad happens to him. Although he's never told me, he's told his mom (and she shared with me) that he's scared to go. I'm sure there's some shame and embarrassment in that statement; because after all- he DID join the military and knew what could possibly happen.

I have 3 months left before he leaves for a year. I'm choosing to leave him with a good impression of me so that he has happy memories to keep him company when he's alone. I am doing this by continuing to be the person that I want to be (which just happens to be the one he fell in love with so long ago), being present for my kids everyday (regardless of how tired I am), and taking pride in my job (even though it doesn't pay nearly enough.)

I like who I'm becoming.... I can only hope that H does too.


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
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GReat post purg.

You touch on the psyhcological element that we are all dealing with and that is so deep its hard to grasp.

His fear is an assault on his masculinity.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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I like who I'm becoming....

You could have stopped there?

Great post Purg.


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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bklyn, I'm glad you got something from that... I felt like I was just throwing random words together as they came to me- wasn't sure if I actually made sense smile

mnky, thank you smile

So here's the chorus to the song. I feel silly that *I* can't find the words for the thoughts/feelings I'm going through- but a song says them perfectly.

…. But I’ve got all the time for you love/ the space between the tears we cry, Is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more/ the space between the wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain/ but will I hold you again? ....the space between your heart and mine is the space we fill with time.

The last line speaks perfectly to what so many on these boards have said:
We have time.
Time to give them space, time to let our changes become real and time to decide what we want for our lives.

(does anyone know if Dave had a bomb dropped.... he seems to what it's like to be a LBS?)


M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
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[quote=purgatory

I'm focusing on the 'good things' about my M and choosing to bring those to the future, while leaving the pain behind. I have made peace in my heart that I forgive myself for what I did in the past, doesn't mean I'm making excuses or denying my responsibility for getting to my current sitch. Lord knows I wish I could go back and do things differently, but since a time machine hasn't been invented yet- I have to stop dwelling on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. I choose to live only in the hear and now and make efforts towards moving forward.

I like who I'm becoming.... I can only hope that H does too. [/quote]

This is great Purg! I am trying to be of this mind set more often than not but still beat myself up for things that I've done even though I can't go back and change anything.

Dave Matthews was one of the best shows I've ever been to.

"You've got your ball, you've got your chain, tied to me tight, tie me up again."


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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Purg - that was beutiful. You are doing so well and I aspire to be as strong as you. You're doing all of this self reflection, making you evolve, dealing with an OW, and doing all this while your H is going off to a war in which the best result is he comes back in 1 year. On top of all this, raising two little ones, offering your home to the kid next store, starting a new job, and dealing with blown boilers!

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The title made me think of a book that S4 and I currently have on loan from the library. It's about a rabbit's journey on a train. There is a line in the book where the rabbit likes to look out of the window and look at the 'between' - the between where he's coming from and where he's going.

I feel like we're all in this 'between' stage right now. Our M as it was is 'dead' (a scary concept on its own) and we're heading towards something better, which will also hopefully include a renewed R with our H/W. In the meantime, we're in this between space, reflecting on things that went wrong, trying to make sense of it, working on improving ourselves as human beings, learning about what kind of M we'd really like, and what it takes to have that.

With every post, you sound wiser and more assured of yourself. Thanks for your support on this journey!


Me:32 H:34 T:14.5 M:9.5 S:5 BD: 11/25/11


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Great post purg! I wish the very best for you and your husband! We are all going through incredibly had times and I.thought that if we could make it through two deployments we could make it through anything. Only to find out that home life with him was our.problem...and he not liking the routines of daily life.


M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..
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Rabbits have a way of putting things into perspective

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Just stop Rick.....


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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