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#2232142 - 03/20/12 03:52 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: rickb89]
RoRoinMD Offline
Member

Registered: 01/17/12
Posts: 871
Originally Posted By: rickb89
One of the things I like about 25's advise is that it usually offers real concrete actions that can be taken to clear the road home. Kind of the like the Martha Stewart of DB'ing. Use everything around you to create something good.


Agreed! Purg, I don't have small kids, but her post did give me an idea on how to do some things with H. I think "family nights" are a good idea!

Thanks, 25. Your advice has been invaluable (although, tough sometimes to hear LOL).
_________________________
Me:34
H:38
SS:19 - lives in NC with his mom
M:3
Bomb #1: 1/3/12 - We're not compatible. I want out.
Bomb #2: 1/12/12 - Found out about EA/PA
H moves out 10/2/12

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#2232503 - 03/21/12 09:21 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: RoRoinMD]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
I haven't been on the boards in a few days.... And I come back to find 25's post (I think God had his hand in that!) B/C I *needed* to hear those suggestions specifically tonight.

H has been home for a few days, really sick. I've tried to not jump into nurse mode and just be available of he asks for help.... But as usual, I've allowed myself to get a little attached. He has reached out to me to solve problems and drive him to the doctor's (his meds don't allow him to drive.) we haven't talked verbally much- but used texting (it's too painful for him to talk).... However, I heard him on the phone with OW tonight!! Talking!! So apparently it's just me that he doesn't want to talk to!!

25's post brought me to tears b/c I have lost sight of the most important thing right now: providing opportunities fort kids to have family memories. It breaks my heart that he's going to be gone for a year and my boys are going to miss him terribly; regardless of how I feel about him and our R. I really hope that H can choose to put our kids needs as a priority and join us for 'family times'.
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2232526 - 03/21/12 11:14 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: purgatory]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1019
Sorry P. ((((P)))). It's hard when you get that sense of being together and then having the door closed again. Things go smoothly just enough to let us forget we're still on a roller coaster.

Enjoy those boys! I have no doubt you will make some fantastic memories for all of you!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

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#2232546 - 03/22/12 02:14 AM Re: The Space Between... [Re: ces67]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
purg.. as i read 25's post to you.. i cried as well. thinking that my D will have no memories of us as a family.. that broke my heart.

all this time i was trying to move forward and create memories for the kids and i.. i failed to try and create as many family memories as possible. when he suggested we could go together w/ the kids.. i should have made that a priority rather than thinking it was better for me to distance myself. i'm crying now just thinking about it again.

after this last interaction.. my M may be unrepairable.. but i don't think your is. creating happy family times that H can take w/ him is a great idea. i'm hoping i still have a fighting chance to the same for my D.

((((purg))))
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2233259 - 03/25/12 10:45 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: barely floating]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1715
Purg I know how hard this is but you are not alone. You guys are really my closest friends right now. I feel like you guys know how I feel and everyone else just thinks I am crazy.

In many ways things will be easier when you H goes to A. There will not be this constant fear of D hanging over you, (although I am sure other fears due appear). I think his deployment will have a big effect on him, who knows how it will effect him.

Hang in there. We love you. This aint easy. Its one of the hardest things to go through in life. Take care of yourself and treat yourself to a fancy Starbucks drink or something tomorrow.

Smile for your kids, they love you just the way you are, more than you can ever imagine.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2234310 - 03/29/12 10:38 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: BklynMom]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Ok, Gotta catch up on the past few days.... When we last checked in on Purg:

H was home for an entire week, sick as a dog. As he started to feel better, he hung out with me and the kids on the couch and we did dinners together. He also started to do a few chores since he was home during the day. Then he felt much better on Sunday, and things went right back to 'normal'. He left the house, barely talked to him for 2 days and he's back for Wednesday and Thursday.

Here's where it gets interesting:
On Wednesday, I had flowers delivered from a girl-friend (it was arranged on purpose.) H got there before I did and he had placed them on the kitchen counter. I came in, acted surprised and smiled when I read the card. He never asked who they were from or what they were for. In fact, he acted as if there weren't flowers on the counter. I went on with my plans for my "night off" (which mainly consisted of running errands without the hassle of kids- which feels like a luxury.) He barely spoke to me that entire night, except to say that he wanted to talk Thursday night about our papers and budget- he hasn't mentioned papers in over a month.

Thursday (today), I text him to say that I had forgotten that I had made plans with a friend already and wouldn't be able to talk tonight. He didn't say anything against that- but sent me an email with the stuff he wants to discuss: House plans and a few other assets. [these emails/texts still make my heart race and make me sick to my stomach.]

Well, I managed to piss him off before I got home. We had made plans to meet to see about a new lawnmower off of craigslist (long story, short: I can't start our current mower and I need to be able to use one while he's gone.) I got held up at work, and then got in the car and remembered I was on empty. I wasn't going to have time to get gas and make it to the place on time, so I called him and told him to go on without me and that I trusted his decision on the mower. He was livid! I got an earful of the following statements: "I should have planned better, How old am I to forget that I needed gas??, He was only coming with me for safety reasons and didn't give a sh!t about the mower, he had to backtrack 30 mintues now and get stuck in rush hour traffic when he could have been home already."

I validated as best I could, and explained that I didn't do this on purpose... but he was having none of it and just said: "I'm really angry. Let me get off the phone. I might not make it back in time for your movie tonight, sorry." He made it home and had no interest in talking to me. I approached him (a 180) and apologized again. He said: "I'm not surprised this happened." I asked him to explain; if that meant that he thinks I'm incapable of sticking to a plan? He said: "I'm just mad, don't think too much on it."

I left for my movie- which I throughly enjoyed. Came home to all the lights on, the kitchen in a mess and stuff/toys everywhere around the floors- looked like a tornado hit my living room! I went upstairs, and H opens the bathroom door (surprised me) and was fully dressed talking on the phone (like he was hiding in there?) While on the phone, he asked how/what movie I saw. I told him with a smile and walked away. When I asked him later how his night was with the boys, he was tight-lipped and only said: "busy." I didn't push, but I asked a few questions about the baby later on, and he was vague. I said: "It's ok, you don't have to tell me" with a smile and went to my bedroom. **This was strange b/c normally H would have told me a few details about the kids and what they did while I was gone**

So... H is being cold, quiet and short-tempered. Not to be unexpected from the WAS, but this is newish for him. I expected him to pull back some after having been here for an entire week and having to depend on me- he probably didn't want me to think that we were getting along. But I think the flowers sent him over the edge...

Not sure where to go from here. I hate not being able to make a decision about what to say or do.... H will be leaving the house until next Wednesday- and we are only scheduled to see each other for Saturday morning teeball. I have to build up to having the talk about papers (which still make me cringe!), have the kids all weekend alone, and most likely not hear from H at all. In regards to the papers- I told him back in December, that I won't sign anything before he leaves for Afg., and I still mean it. I will go through the process of discussing details and putting things down- but I won't sign until he gets back. I just feel that there's too much that could change in a year (positive or negative) that what we decide *now* might not be applicable in a year. I know things are modifiable in the papers, but if I sign them now, as of November 2012, 9 months before he's scheduled to come home, we will be legally D (b/c his lawyer told him that he can have the papers sent to him in Afg. and sign them there, as long as I didn't contest anything.)

GRRRRRR.... I'm back to being confused and a little lost!
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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#2234314 - 03/29/12 11:00 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: purgatory]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8369
Loc: Sonoran Desert
All I can say is, that sux!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2234320 - 03/29/12 11:11 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: labug]
MrBond Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 10321
I think you did the right thing. He's throwing a tantrum so you actually have another little boy right now. When your kids throw a tantrum do you pay attention to it or let it run its course? Treat him as you would one of your kids right now.
_________________________
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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#2234323 - 03/29/12 11:18 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: MrBond]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10259
Loc: west coast
Purg

what's to decide now? Legally nothing, right? I mean signing stuff only makes it more complicated if something happens to him.

So all you are really doing is gathering intel (papers), correct?

I'd back off the flowers for now (I get why and all, but it'll look over the top if it happens again too soon. but keep going out and smiling at the good times you are having. Be mysterious and volunteer as little & vaguely as possible)

And keep on your program. Remember, he has to ponder at least the possibility of OMs in your life (and your kid's lives) before he starts to wonder if he's losing something important.

His tantrum might even be a good sign though it's a drag. Something bugged him.

Next time you want to validate him, be sure to also set boundaries. If he goes off on you for something or lectures, you can tell him how it makes you feel.

OR

if you think he sounds like the old you, maybe suggest he not repeat your mistakes

b/c you learned the hard way that words do hurt. Just a thought.

Carry on!
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2234725 - 04/01/12 03:50 PM Re: The Space Between... [Re: 25yearsmlc]
purgatory Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/11
Posts: 825
Loc: Virginia
Opinions??
H attempted to talk to me about our papers, I wasn't engaging in the conversation so he was getting irritated. He told me that he thinks it's ridiculous that I insist on evoking my right to his retirement- b/c I won't see any of it for another 15 years. I only said I wanted his retirement b/c he changed his mind about staying separated indefinitely (so we could benefit from tax breaks, he would continue to receive married pay and I could maintain my military benefits- there were plusses for both of us.) He changed his mind about this a month ago saying: "It would feel like the marriage is still hanging over my head, I need it to be done completely." This has been a sticking point for both of us. Anyways, he told me today that his lawyer calculated out my portion and it would be $300 every month from the time he's 47 until he dies. His lawyer advised him that even if I put my refusal to claim retirement pay in our papers- if I ever changed my mind, I could sue and win simply b/c the military entitles me to claim it. He said that it doesn't make sense for me to take money away from him that late in our lives when it won't matter to me then, I pointed out that he will be taking money away from me *now* because I will now have to pay for insurance and medical procedures out of pocket- taking potential funds away from my lifestyle and his kids. He said that I should research insurance plans and he would be willing to help fund it with me. I told him that it feels like he's putting a monetary value on me and it hurts that his idea of 'support' for the mother of his children is $$. I also said that regardless of our marital status, the fact remains that I will have to continue to support his military career in the fact that I will be left behind to take care of the kids and their fears/questions every time he deploys; If we were still married- I would have the support of military services, my husband and his love to motivate me during these deployments. **This is where he lost it** He went off (yelling and talking down to me) saying that I would have to take care of the kids in any case b/c the are *my* kids too; what kind of mom and I for putting a money value to my kids; questioning if I'll only take care of the kids if I get my way... then he hung up on me. (there are a lot more words, but you get the idea of the rambling)

I never raised my voice, I didn't interrupt him, I didn't get defensive. It seemed like he was over reacting, but maybe I was wrong? The feeling I got is that I touched a nerve perhaps and maybe he thought I made a good point- but instead of telling me this and back down, he twisted things around to stay in the position of victim and keep the anger going (I speak from experience b/c I know I did this when I felt backed into a corner)

Without hearing all the details of our 'talk' I realize that it's hard for any of you to give a true impression- but do I have a valid point? Does he? Should I stand my ground or try to find a compromise? Is there a compromise?

(we are supposed to continue/finish this talk tonight)
_________________________
M-31, H-31
T-9, M-7
S-6, s-20mth
sep 8/1/11
ILYNILWY 11/29/11
Creating separation papers.
Discover H has feelings for BFF, she does too 1/11/12
H moves out 1.20.12

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