Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 17 of 20 1 2 15 16 17 18 19 20
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 685
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 685
Jenna
Any frustration comes from bad memories so don't worry about it. Me and my W used to go round and round too. So don't worry about it.

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
I can understand why you'd be frustrated. I get frustrated with myself after reading through my posts!


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
When I got home from work today the dishwasher was running, J had vacuumed, and he hung a picture in our bedroom. Yeah, I moved over a month ago and haven't hung anything up yet. I gave him a big hug (and a little something extra wink ) and thanked him wholeheartedly. Tonight I'm picking us up both In-N-Out on my way home from school. He is feeling very loved, and so am I!


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 685
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 685
That's excellent make sure you reward good behavior in very overt ways. When in doubt just give him sex.

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
Oh yeah, that's the key to a man's heart, no?


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
I'm kidding, btw. I know many men are deeper than that wink


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 685
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 685
Well... If you read SSM, MWD actually points out that for a lot of men their sense of self worth is tied to their ability to get sex.

Sure it's not the only thing but it goes very very far. Personally I believe that getting some meets a very primal need to procreate. So men feel good when they can get a woman to willingly provide sex. They feel validated as men.

When wife's cut off their men they don't realize what a huge blow they are dealing to their husbands self esteem. They are quite literally opening the doors to OW.

Especially if the W cuts out sex as a punishment. Something to think about next time he initiates sex, but you're too angry over something trivial.

Well bottomline, use sex as a nice treat, and for fun. Not to punish or control.

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
Oh yeah, sex is HUGE. I've noticed that when we have regular sex, he's a happier person in general, and so am I!


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
Hi Jenna - I read the last couple of pages of posts and wanted to chime in because I've been in the rut you seem to be in.

Regarding the going-out, the way it sounded to me was you resent him going out, period. When questioned about that you toned it down to the fact that he drinks too much, that's all you resent. Your objection got slippery and changed. You want him home some, and you want him to be careful with his drinking, so you might talk to him about why you feel that way, what needs you have that you're hoping he'll modify his own behavior in order to accommodate, because he loves you. Admit to what you need and ask for it in a clear way and in a way that you can be sure he understands.

Regarding the slave comment, you need to try not to fly off the handle if he says something you don't like. If you responded in all seriousness, that, no, you don't want him to be a slave, and ask him if that sounds like slavery to him, then you're getting closer to understanding each other. Instead of understanding what he's saying, you would rather control what he's saying.

Regarding controlling what he's saying, did he really apologize for "bringing up poker"? Is he not allowed to bring up events he'd like to attend because bringing it up will make you mad? He should be able to bring up poker, dancing, lap dances, and all-night drinking binges. That's where you discuss things and come to understand each other. That's where you get to say, whatever it is that you need to: if he goes to poker Friday can he spend time with you Saturday, or is this weekend not good but another one is OK, or are you opposed to his ever playing poker, or what?

He's learning what my husband learned. Asking to go to xyz created an argument so I won't bring it up again... Making a "slave" joke got you mad so I won't say that word again... and so on. He had so many rules in his head and everything became an obligation and a chore, and I was the root of all that was bad in his life. This happened over a lot of years and in a way that I thought he WANTED to be with the kids every weekend and WANTED a house and a yard to take care of and WANTED pets and sleepovers and chaos. And then one day I found out I had no idea what he wanted.

Anyway, I'm learning, and hope you can learn, to listen for his side of the conversation. Rather than putting the words you expect into his mouth and making him into the husband and dad you expect, find out who he is, what he thinks, and how he hopes to be a dad and husband and buddy and partier. And treat his needs as legitimate, as much as yours are.

My T had a conversation with her h that she used to illustrate a lot of this for me. He was a rock climber and often climbed without ropes or otherwise took chances. When they had a small baby, and he continued to climb, she had a conversation with him expressing her fear that something would happen to him and her need for him to be alive and well so they could raise their baby. She asked him to consider wearing a helmet and using ropes to accommodate her needs and feelings, and because he loved her and the baby, he did do that. She didn't ask him to stop climbing because she knew he needed it and it was something she loved about him.

I hope this is somewhat helpful. I feel like the blind leading the blind sometimes, but I really think you two need more help communicating so you don't suffocate each other.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
J
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 322
You're absolutely right, adinva. I've grown a lot, but I still have so far to go.

At our last MC appt, our C demonstrated how we could improve our communication by acting out the poker conversation with us. She took my place in the conversation and spoke with J in a constructive manner, then she had us switch it all around. At one point I was J and she was me. I hope I explained that well enough! Anyway, it helped us to understand how we could handle these situations.


M & H 25
T 9
D 7
S 4
Bomb 11/11 Confused about feelings for me.
Bomb 12/11 ILYBNILWY, moved out
2-1-12 We're exclusive & dating each other.
3-4-12 H moved back in.
3-31-12 I deserve better. I'm done
Page 17 of 20 1 2 15 16 17 18 19 20

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard