Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 11 of 12 1 2 9 10 11 12
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Thanks RoRo, JKS my sitch is going well overall. I'll save you the reading since I'm on my third thread. My challenge has been acceptance of the things I cannot change.

My W is not a very happy person, but has accepted that about herself, and manages it well. She doesn't enjoy sex for herself, but is willing to do it for my benefit. She does not speak my "love language" despite the fact that she knows what it is. She wants nothing to be expected of her, and for me to treat anything she does for me as a gift.

All of the professional help I have gotten (MC, IC, DB Coach) have told me that my choice is accept things as they are, or leave, there is no third choice where W decides to change any of these things. I've always been an optimist and a "fixer", so that's a grim outlook for me, and coming to acceptance has been a challenge.

Like you I have also wrestled with the aftermath of infidelity. For a long time I didn't feel "safe" that I wouldn't get burned again, so I was desperately looking for gestures on W's part to indicate that she had fully bought into the marriage going forward. Addressing any of the items in the list above would have greatly reassured me of her commitment, but as I've come to learn, that's not who she is.

Reading about how good marriage can really be in books like "The Five Love Languages" and "Passionate Marriage", I got a glimpse of something I really wanted, and I was willing to go there. Initially I was really surprised when W wasn't joining me on that journey, and it was shocking to me to find out that she really didn't want a closer relationship, she wanted more distance in our relationship than I did.

It's been a long and difficult journey, but at this point, I'm no longer looking for or expecting any reassurance, and I'm ok with that. It's also been painful to give up on that vision for how good marriage can be, and to accept that I will not have that with W. The gift I've given myself, however, is to be happy with my own journey and where I've come, and to know that if W does decide to cheat on me again, I will be able to move on without going through the pain. Based on what I contribute, I also think it's highly unlikely that she'll be motivated to cheat again, but I'm certainly "on guard" now like I never was before -- not from the perspective of trying to watch or control her, but from the perspective of staying mentally ready to leave if I need to.

There are definitely elements of our relationship that are MUCH better now than they ever were. W never used to tell me when anything was wrong. She was an expert at stonewalling. She is now willing to try to share with me if something is bothering her. Overall her mood is better now than it was for years. I enjoy spending time with her now whereas for a long time I would walk on eggshells or avoid her altogether. Also, after reading the SSM book, she has a much better sensitivity to our sex life, and has stepped up the frequency for my benefit, and that I really do appreciate.

Still a work in progress with more healing to do, but for now it is working for me.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
Wow, a lot struggles there and you have come so far... I am amazed!! Well done! I don't know how you have the time to counsel me or anyone else here but I am so glad you keep coming back because right now everyone's perspective for me is to get out of it.

I ended up calling H tonight. The pit in my stomach has been more than I can bear right now (I've had it all week ever since I found out about the PA) so I needed to talk to him. I know, total DB no-no but I'm so tired of living in wonder. I will get stronger, I know I will, but for now I am weak.

I told him I feel like I messed up. And what I was referring to was our convo on the phone a couple days ago. He said, no you didn't. He said I think when it all came out and I got caught, I wanted to fix everything and I knew that I needed to end things with OW in order to fix it. But the reality set in of actually losing her and I wasn't ready to do it. He talked more about how he leans one way and sees how it could be good or bad and then if how he leans the other, the same thing.

He said he doesn't know why he's having such a hard time making this decision but he can't just come to an answer. He's worried that if he stays with me, he will never be truly happy. He's worried that our personalities don't mesh well and overall we won't get along as well as him and OW do. He likes the way he feels like he can be himself completely around her. Whereas with me, he is always trying to do what will please me. He said he thinks about having to share our kids for the holidays and he said it would be awful to have to do it when both of us are separated and alone but if we have someone then there's a different element of happiness that makes sharing the kids not so bad.

I told him I think it seems silly to go through what we went through and learn all the things we did, and then just give up and walk away. Why wouldn't we want to learn from it and grow together because of it now that both of us are willing to do the work? I told him in a year from now he could be completely happy and fulfilled in his R with me and will look back at all of this thinking, I can't believe I was about to end it all and break up my family. I also told him that if you look at our M as a whole, consider this the lowest point and we can only go up from here. To me, that is exciting.

I am so frustrated that there is this OW, because I truly believe that my H would not have any reservations coming back and making it work with me if he hadn't gotten so close with her. He can't imagine ending it with her.

He told me that if we didn't have kids, we would no longer be together. I tried to ask him about the things he had mentioned to me about what he missed about me and that he was afraid of losing me... what was that all about? He said he mostly was just afraid of losing his family. And, yes, he missed things about me but overall he still didn't feel like our personalities went together well. He feels this because OW has his ideal personality.

He loves the way she's so independent and gets things done and lets him be who he is. She also has no kids and no worries whatsoever so I'm pretty dang sure I would be just as independent too. I told him that and he agreed.

He is basically telling me that in order for him to come back, he has to want to try. And right now he's trying to get himself to a place to want that again. He also said he won't be seeing OW for the time being. But did mention that it has been very hard. He wants to see her very badly. I asked him if he ever wants to see me and he said, yes.

He is so afraid of getting back with me and having things not work overall and then losing OW and being alone. I told him he has no idea what it even feels like to be alone. He left me alone in our house. He would take the kids on Sundays which was our family day that we'd always go to his parent's house to have dinner and I would spend my Sunday night by myself. Eating dinner by myself. He went and lived with his parents and has had that support from them ever since. I only just recently have felt that support since I moved in with my mom in Feb.

He has a huge extended family that always gets together for big events. I have my mom and her H. That is it. And he gets to D me and go straight into another R with another woman that he already loves. He doesn't have to do the "alone" thing at all. I will be the one who cannot date anyone because I'm so emotionally messed up and I have THREE kids to add on top of all my baggage. I will compare every man to my H and wish that I were with him.

This is absolutely insane!! My H basically just wants to know that I'm going to be ok if he leaves me. That has been his driving force for not going through with everything. Because he worries that I'll just be angry at the kids all the time and it will affect them greatly. I do not feel there's anymore hope now that OW is involved. I cannot compete with perfection in his eyes. And now that he's seeing that if he's going to be so happy with OW then not having the kids so much will not matter to him anymore.

I later texted him and told him, "I am sorry if you feel pressured by me. Everything I do and say comes from a place of love. I do not want to make you feel worse about it. That is not my purpose. I won't ask you about it anymore... it is not fair for me to do that."

He responded, "I don't have a problem with what you've been asking. You have a right to know so don't worry about asking because it doesn't bother me."

Oh man, right back at square one... this road is never ending, I'm afraid.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 871
Jks - I had a similar conversation with my H. How he was struggling with ending his A, even with me knowing...blah, blah, blah.

Just know there is nothing you can say that will make him want to work on your M. He has to come to that conclusion himself. I think you need to focus on you now and what changes/180s you want to make for you. Trust me, if you're consistent, your H will notice.

And one other piece if advice - Stop talking to him about your R. It only ends up making you (me too) feel bad and anxious.


Me:37
H:GONE

Happy and loving life.
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
Thank you, RoRo. I am seriously needing all the support I can get right now. I feel extremely empty. And it is awful to know that I can see him with this OW. They have been friends for a LONG time. I hate the fact that she just moved right in and stole everything that is so important to me. I love my H's family. I will miss them so much. I've always felt so lucky to be a part of them. I need to be strong. I know this. I need this pit of sickness to go away.

Tomorrow will be a better day because I'm going to go shoot with a bunch of other photographers and go out to lunch and just hang out all day. It will be a great way to get my mind off of this madness.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 285
Just read a lot of your thread. It just kills me, so many was's leave such little kids. so sad. Accuray, amazing advice. Hang in there jks.

Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Jks,

For what its worth, my W gave me the "personalities don't match" and "you just need to be ok with me leaving" speeches too. There is a website where you can take an enneagram personality test online for $10 (good stuff by the way, worth doing to better understand how you operate and what drives you). She took the test, figured out my type, then told me all the ways we weren't compatible. When I went to the site myself, there was a whole other list of how our types compliment and benefit each other that she had just ignored. The bottom line is that there is no such thing as incompatible personality types, every combination has both problems and benefits. This is just another "I want to have my affair" justification and you can safely ignore it. You can't change your personality type anyway, only how you operate within it. Your type is why H chose you to begin with.

The "you need to be ok" is H's plea to release him from the guilt. They want to think of you as happy without them because it makes their lives so much easier.
My W actually also gave me the "If you love someone set them free" speech, that just made me think of the song.

As for ow, yes she is doing something very very wrong getting involved with the H of a married women with small kids. Its terrible and reprehensible but there's not much to be done about it other than to rise above.

What I learned is that there is power in granting their wish to "be ok". He feels responsible for your feelings right now because you've made it clear that he is denying you happiness. That casts a black cloud over your head when he thinks of you. He doesn't want to be responsible for how you feel. Feeling that way makes you unattractive compared to happy go lucky OW. If you truly seem OK, then he will wonder why and that will bother him and draw him in, and sharing in your happiness will once again seem attractive.

As painful as it is, the best thing you can do is give him up for now and make it your mission to meet new friends and have fun. Tick some things off your bucket list. Make sure he takes the kids enough to allow you to get out and have fun. Shoot for 50/50. The best thing that can happen is for him to call you and hear music and fun voices in the background. If that happens and he wants to know what's going on, just say you're out having fun and provide no further details.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Jks,

For what its worth, my W gave me the "personalities don't match" and "you just need to be ok with me leaving" speeches too. There is a website where you can take an enneagram personality test online for $10 (good stuff by the way, worth doing to better understand how you operate and what drives you). She took the test, figured out my type, then told me all the ways we weren't compatible. When I went to the site myself, there was a whole other list of how our types compliment and benefit each other that she had just ignored. The bottom line is that there is no such thing as incompatible personality types, every combination has both problems and benefits. This is just another "I want to have my affair" justification and you can safely ignore it. You can't change your personality type anyway, only how you operate within it. Your type is why H chose you to begin with.

The "you need to be ok" is H's plea to release him from the guilt. They want to think of you as happy without them because it makes their lives so much easier.
My W actually also gave me the "If you love someone set them free" speech, that just made me think of the song.

As for ow, yes she is doing something very very wrong getting involved with the H of a married women with small kids. Its terrible and reprehensible but there's not much to be done about it other than to rise above.

What I learned is that there is power in granting their wish to "be ok". He feels responsible for your feelings right now because you've made it clear that he is denying you happiness. That casts a black cloud over your head when he thinks of you. He doesn't want to be responsible for how you feel. Feeling that way makes you unattractive compared to happy go lucky OW. If you truly seem OK, then he will wonder why and that will bother him and draw him in, and sharing in your happiness will once again seem attractive.

As painful as it is, the best thing you can do is give him up for now and make it your mission to meet new friends and have fun. Tick some things off your bucket list. Make sure he takes the kids enough to allow you to get out and have fun. Shoot for 50/50. The best thing that can happen is for him to call you and hear music and fun voices in the background. If that happens and he wants to know what's going on, just say you're out having fun and provide no further details.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
I did another DB no-no. I went to OW's house and confronted her about their affair. She was very obliging by letting me in. I felt ok in doing this because I know this woman. She's been a friend of my H's for a long time. We went camping together last July. Basically, she feels like crap for what she's done but doesn't care to end anything. She admitted that she's had feelings for my H for a long time. Did it ever occur to you that he's not available? Even if he is separated? I asked her how she even sleeps at night and she said, with a lot of medication. I said, you know me, you know my kids, you know our whole family... how does a person do this? She had no answer.

I am so sick that she lives so close to my H now. I told her that I liked her and was happy to hang out with her and told her that if they hadn't crossed the line then they could have still had been friends.

I told her that this is insane because if she wasn't in the picture, my H would have wanted to work things out with me for sure. And we have so much potential to make things better because we see all the things we were doing wrong and we both have the motivation to change. But he can't get over the fact of losing her. I wish she had a heart and would just back off for the sake of our family. She is so selfish.

I went out of town with my kids for a couple days after I left her house and had a good time. I was starting to feel like this whole situation is so silly. Does he really understand what he is losing? I am actually a pretty cool girl. Yes, I've had my issues with depression but wouldn't you think a H would be there for you to help you figure that out? Not just bail? I feel bad for him. He doesn't know who he is. He doesn't know what he wants and he's trying to find happiness in all the wrong places.

While I was away I went out shopping with my kids and kept feeling like I'm a pretty good catch. I felt beautiful and I was like, look at me... I'm taking care of these three little ones all by myself. I planned this trip and made it happen all on my own. I didn't even go with friends. It was just me and my kids. It was actually such a really great bonding experience for me and my children. I felt like we had some really great moments and I truly put all of my focus on them. We giggled and played and I didn't lose my temper at all. It was a miracle.

My H did text me and asked me if I had left with the kids and I said, I did. He then said, I would like to come pick the kids up on Sunday. You can keep them longer if you need to. (He probably thought I would want to do an Easter egg hunt.) But I was planning to do that today so I told him to come a little earlier. He said ok, and that things are really confusing for him right now. He's trying to look at things from both sides and figure out what to do with this mess that he created. I didn't respond.

Earlier this week I told his mom about everything that's been going on because she is seriously like my 2nd mother. I am closer with her than my own mother. And she said she is soooo disappointed in him and has no idea who he is anymore. She said she wants to talk to him about it. This is supposed to be happening tomorrow. We will see. I know my H values what his mother thinks and I didn't tell her so that she would say anything to him. I really just needed advice from her. I didn't know what to do. And I feel as his mother, she has a right to know what's going on.

I have had so many emotional ups and downs this week. One minute I feel like he is such an idiot for doing this to our M. And he actually has a really good thing with me that good potentially be awesome. And our family is so stinkin adorable. What the heck is he thinking?? And then on the other hand, I feel like he will never feel the same way about me ever again and I will continue to try to make him love me and it will just feel empty. I will always have the insecurity of him wishing he was with OW and made the wrong decision. I have to be strong for this reason. I want him to realize that everything he's thinking is just absolute confusion.

He sees nothing but bad in me right now. I have to switch this around. So I will continue to find people to meet and do things for myself. I was praying the other day asking what it is that I should do... and the strongest answer that came to me was focus on serving other people. Forget yourself and find others who need your help. This is going to be where my head is at.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
Jks,

Confronting is not necessarily a DB no-no, my DB coach was supportive of me doing it. Sometimes the person WILL back off, it depends how they feel. Sometimes it has gotten more serious than the other person wants.

Involving his mother on the other hand was a DB no-no. All that's going to do is make him resent you. Leave her out of it going forward if you can, she really lacks the power to talk him out of what he's doing.

You will NOT always have the insecurity of thinking he would rather be with OW. That will absolutely go away. If you are being a wife only a fool would leave and speaking his love language, his obvious satisfaction will stamp out that insecurity, it will go.

Your thoughts that you are hot and a good catch are great! That's right where you want to be. Anything you can do to continue to build that will be great for you and your situation. You are a great person, H's actions are NOT a negative reflection on you.

It seems you are DB'ing very well overall. Keep him guessing -- not answering his baiting questions is great. If he says he's confused tell him you're sorry to hear that and move on, no more discussion. You must be unphased. He must believe his power over you is waning. Go out and have fun, and keep thinking of yourself as hot and capable.

Good for you!

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
H came and picked up the kids today. We were all waiting outside because the kids couldn't wait to see him. I had mixed emotions seeing him. I want to be mad at him but I don't. He acted very normal when he saw me and was very involved in what the kids wanted to tell him. I got their bags and their carseats and said good-bye to them. This time it was a little harder because of the fun week I had just had with them. My heart was feeling heavy. Bonding with them more definitely makes it that much more heart-wrenching to let them go. He said, thank you and left.

I immediately came inside and said, I hate him. And started crying and venting all of my frustrations. My mom and her H were trying to talk me into ending things with him now because they see how hurt I am and how much its destroying me mentally and physically. I had to stop talking with them and called my BF. She helped me settle down and realize what it is that I need to do. Although, at one point she was telling me that maybe my next step here is just to make the decision to end it because my H obviously doesn't have the will power to do it.

Ending it doesn't feel right to me when I'm in a normal state of mind. Of course, when I'm emotional and want to lash out at him, it seems like the only answer. I have to continually read my thread here and look back at the advice that I've been given. No one else understands what it is that I'm trying to accomplish and its so exhausting trying to get everyone to see my point of view. The problem is, I just need to vent sometimes. I just need to cry and say awful things so that I can get them off my chest and not have to say these things to him.

What a glorious day when I can fully detach from him. I long for the power of the release and at the same time I grieve that the loving feelings I've had for him for so long will be gone.

I read on a thread about a website called meetup.com and I've looked into this more. Basically people set up activities and post them to this website and you can RSVP and just show up. It's supposed to be a great way to meet new people with no expectations and to just get out and do something. So I recently joined a mailing list for a hiking group that I found on this site. I will be joining them for the first time tomorrow night at 5:30. This will be my first time trying something like this and I'm not gonna lie, this is way out of my comfort zone. Normally I would want to take a friend with me but I'm doing this all on my own. I'm putting myself out there and I'm just going to do it, dang it.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Page 11 of 12 1 2 9 10 11 12

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard