The continuing saga of Kolja

[jbnati]

kolja - great job on the GAL activities! Man, you are making me feel like a couch potato.

I completely agree with 2tp. Your W cannot control what you do or don't do. It's your choice who your friends are on FB.

[kolja]

Thanks, guys.

She said something kind of interesting in the discussion yesterday - she had said she hasn't been able to talk to her family BECAUSE of the divorce and that it was very hard on her. The latter part of that is, of course understandable. But it struck me as a bizarre thing to say - as if her family would all of a sudden change their collective mind about her decision if only they wouldn't text to tell me Happy Easter. Of course I didn't mention that.

The other thing I didn't mention - but probably would have if not for things I've learned here, and probably with at least some degree of indignation - is that the decision for divorce was hers and her alone! I'm sort of trusting 'life' to guide her to that understanding without my having to point it out...

[bustorama]

Hey, Kolja,

Ya, you're doing great with your GAL activities. Your W is blaming you for her own negative feelings and discomfort (guilt, anger, etc.) re:talking to her family and friends and worrying what they think of her or are judging her. That was spot on for you to let her experience those feelings and not try to "fix" them by instinctively defending yourself or deferring to her.

You are right that so long as your interactions with her family and friends are for the sake of the relationship with them (and not as a backdoor way to influence or manipulate W), then you and they have the right to maintain that relationship as you see fit.

One thing you could do when she brings things up like that (and it sounds like you did to some degree this time) is to mirror them back and validate her discomfort. "I bet that is hard on you feeling that you can't talk even to your family right now BECAUSE of the divorce. I can imagine that you feel isolated because of that, W. It is a tough situation."

[bustorama]

BTW, is your race tomorrow??

[kolja]

Hey bustorama-
Thanks for the feedback. I actually had been trying to channel some of the things I'd learned from your earlier comments in my thread so it's definitely valuable insight!

I DID make a conscious effort this time around, though yes in retrospect it probably could have been more overt, to validate and not DISCUSS what she was telling me. If nothing else it was at least nice to have the chance to PRACTICE the skill.

The half marathon is tomorrow - and it's shaping up to be the nicest weekend of the year so far (knock on wood!) so we've got that going for us. I also got the motorcycle out yesterday for the first time in a very long time (thanks to last year's surprise deployment and suspended license). It was so nice that the CO actually sent us all home around 2:30 so I was able to aimlessly meander around the island for a while.

Today I AM going to try to get some work done around the house, take some recycling in, maybe some scrap metal and other garbage in my ongoing quest to reclaim the garage. But nothing too ambitious, what with 13 some odd miles waiting for me in the morning!!

[bustorama]

It's hammertime, Kolja. Be the hammer, not the nail.

[kolja]

2:13:14... 571st out of 1052.

Some of the training runs I did made me think I might have a crack at closer to 2 even, but I think it's a more or less respectable time for a debut - especially having a not-at-all runner-like build.

Turns out the parts of this island that I thought were relatively flat? They're not.

Of course it may not have helped that I had to mow the lawn when I got home (it didn't seem like a good idea to do the day BEFORE the race, and it's supposed to rain all this week).

But overall it was a positive experience. Perfect weather. I think I'll do more - there's a Rock-n-Roll half Marathon in Seattle in June I may just tempt the geopolitical fates by registering for!

[kolja]

This morning (another one off from the gym/pool to recover from the half marathon - and I registered for another on in June, by the way), I had an interesting exchange with my wife.

I awoke to a couple texts from her (her work hours start much earlier than mine) about divorce paperwork; how she needs to fly up here apparently to get hers notarized and apparently I need to get something notarized too. I was cooperative, if not enthusiastic. But in the conversation that ensued, I mentioned I wasn't at work yet - and why.

She texted "you ran a half maraton?? Wow" (back when had been dating, she had mentioned it once and at the time, before seeing plenty of 'ordinary' folks run the one in Vegas, I had honestly believed that distance was well past my injury threshold - so, it would have been a surprise to her; kind of a 180 in its own way).

I said yes, and told her about the one I just registered for in late June down in Seattle. She said "Wow, good for you." (two wows in two sentences!)

Since we were sort of on the topic, and I was getting the closest thing to compliments from her than I have in MONTHS (since late summer maybe, now that I think about it), I mentioned how well the swim went the week prior... frankly I'm still pretty excited about it.

She said "Well that is good. I guess divorce is making you better! Good to hear!"

Well now. How to deal with this one? I certainly didn't want to dispute that I was in better shape, doing things that were good for me. But I didn't want to make it look like I was GRATEFUL for the divorce or anything like that. I pointed out that a lot of the swim progress was because I wasn't deployed or anything crazy like that, and that I had started thinking about half marathons a couple days before she announced wanting a divorce. She said "well good for you. Glad things are going well for you..."

I continued, acknowledging that it WAS true that since she told me that, I had learned a lot and realized there were a lot of things I would have done differently given the chance.

She said "well apply that to your next relationship!!!"

Again - I didn't want to sound pursuing and say something silly like 'i'd rather apply it to us' or whatever, and even though it's kind of how I feel inside now, I realized I shouldn't say something like 'there's not going to be one' because it kind of sounds bitter and spiteful - besides, there's that whole cultivating an air of mystery, right? So I said "well, we'll see I guess"... and she sent a smilie.

Overall, despite talking about divorce paperwork (boo!), and her still mentioning once again my 'next relationship' I feel pretty good about it. I feel like there were a couple opportunities to put my foot in my mouth and I THINK I managed to avoid it, and I definitely got to show her a couple positive development. Hopefully its something for her to think about...

[gunny]

Hey Kolja,
Great job on the 1/2 marathon! Rock and Rolls are fun, I have done a couple of them and they really motivate you! Keep up the good work on the GALING,
SEMPER FIDELIS

[kolja]

Thanks Gunny. As I registered for the Seattle one, I was poking around the website for the series and next year, when my finances are cleared up and I've got some more disposable income for travel, presuming there's no navy surprises, I think I'll do the Seattle, Portland, and Vegas ones. In the meantime, since the NFL schedule is out (season tickets already renewed), I was able to pencil in a couple more in the fall - Bellingham Bay in late September and Seattle (again,but not a rock and roll one) in late November.

Funny, I hated running when I ran for my PRT. Now that I swim my PRT (still a much better swimmer than runner, for the record), the running is purely for me. And of course with the situation I'm in these days, having that schedule four days a week is definitely a plus. It would not have been all that difficult for me to have wound up in a more self-destructive pattern going through all this - so it's definitely a positive presence for me. And, was kind of cool for the wife to notice that as well.