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kolja Offline OP
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Thanks, nh and Grmpy.

I'm glad you see a good sign too! Another friend has just told me the same thing about it being a sign she still cares and cause for at least a little hope.

It was DEFINITELY sad to see the emptier house. I make the choice - even though admittedly, I have to REPEATEDLY and consciously make it - to see this as an opportunity for both of us.


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 622
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Kolja:
Hang in there. I had a similar experience, but helped my WAW load her Uhaul, bought her a bed on the way out of town, and hugged her goodbye before she drove away. Heart wrentching...

Never lose hope. Keep the way home paved and smooth. Give her time on her own. If she was meant to come back to you, she will. She is on her own journey, and has to travel the road on her own.

Keep the faith. Improve yourself. Be strong. And most of all, remember this is a marathon, not a sprint. This is going to take time, potentially a lot of time.

Be the best you can be. Be the man she would be a fool to leave. GAL like a madman. Dwelling will wear your down. Trust me. Look forward.

Good luck.


H 51, W 46
no kids
T 22 years
M 17 years
ILBNILWY 2/10
1st D talk 6/10
partial recovery
W files D 5/11
long distance separation 8/11
moving forward on D 10/11
legal separation complete 1/2012
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kolja Offline OP
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Her plans changed SLIGHTLY in that she didn't bring papers over last night, she left them at the house today while I was at work. It was her petition, which I went ahead and signed (nothing to be gained by being obstinate over it).

The only disagreement was over the $280 filing fee. Given the totality of the circumstance, and that I was assuming a small amount of her debt, I didn't feel that was fair. She readily agreed to pay me back, but instantly reminded me that I was "the one who ****ed up the marriage." Here's where I backslid shortly - I acknowledged that I made mistakes, but said I had never stopped wanting to make it right. She said I hadn't learned ANYTHING. Given the time, money and effort I've put in to trying to learn over the last couple months, I asked why she said that. She said because I was still drinking. I drink MUCH MUCH less than we were dating and in fact for a solid six months there was never any beer in the house at all (when even she drank), and while I didn't say this to HER (absolutely nothing to be gained by arguing here), the fact is she's one of worse binge drinkers herself that I've ever seen. She passed out on our wedding night, and last may she threw up on herself in a taxi cab after tying it on - among other episodes. Also, over a year ago she specifically SAID she didn't want me to stop entirely. Anyway, I find it interesting THAT'S what she came back to, when there's a bit of pot and kettle, when it's an area of my life I had made changes in to accommodate her sensibilities, and where I had offered to make more. But, aside from reminding her that I had cut way back out of deference to her preferences and had offered to quit entirely, I didn't defend myself here at all.

Anyway, that exchange was short enough. At the end, before I could stop myself (I find it hard to do that - stop myself - when she leads the conversation back to her original rationale, something I could clearly stand to work on in terms of recognizing the trigger and avoiding it...), I told her that if she rethought things, the door would still be open to her. She said she wouldn't be rethinking, and not to think there's a chance.

None of what they say, half of what they do and all that...


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 524
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^^^ damn that's harsh. Kolja, remember that you are the Sh!t! You are taking the high road.Who knows, you may something really cool up there.


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
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"find something really cool up there". wish we could edit.


Me: 44
Bomb: 11/27/11
Divorced:6/12
Life goes on: 6/13


Dogs still like bacon...a lot.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 951
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Sorry about the last few days Kolja. I love your attitude in looking at this as an opportunity and perhaps a necessity in getting to where you want to go.

You seem ready for a long journey which we all need to be.

Best!!


Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley
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kolja Offline OP
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You know, this may sound strange, but the harshness and volatility make it a little easier to take without totally being at wits end. Maybe it's that theory that love and hate are actually close on the spectrum. She certainly doesn't sound apathetic. And, thanks in large part to what I learned here, I have at least some appreciation of her headspace right now. While its all rational to her, she IS to a
Certain extent still acting out of hurt and desperation. She and I each have a way to go on our individual journeys before we have any hope of journeying together again. I think if her reaction was totally dispassionate, cool and unemotional, I'd feel much worse.


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
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Ya, when my W moved out, she took 0 pictures that had me in them, none of the gifts/cards I had ever given her, I was deleted and blocked from her FB and deleted all pics of me that had been in her FB. So much anger and resentment.

So, that she took some pics of the two of you is interesting.

Originally Posted By: kolja
She readily agreed to pay me back, but instantly reminded me that I was "the one who ****ed up the marriage." Here's where I backslid shortly - I acknowledged that I made mistakes, but said I had never stopped wanting to make it right.


Defensive, bzzzzt. Better: I'm sorry you feel that way, hon [or whatever is right for you guys at this time]. I am sorry for hurting you and for my role in this."

Originally Posted By: Kolja
She said I hadn't learned ANYTHING. Given the time, money and effort I've put in to trying to learn over the last couple months, I asked why she said that. She said because I was still drinking. I drink MUCH MUCH less than we were dating and in fact for a solid six months there was never any beer in the house at all (when even she drank), and while I didn't say this to HER (absolutely nothing to be gained by arguing here), the fact is she's one of worse binge drinkers herself that I've ever seen... But, aside from reminding her that I had cut way back out of deference to her preferences and had offered to quit entirely, I didn't defend myself here at all.


Defensive and what she is doing is irrelevant. Look, Kolja, let's say your drinking (for hypothetical sake) was a dealbreaker for her (or litmus test for her of whether or not you care for her and listen to her). Would you totally give up all drinking for her? Or was it more important to you to have a drink or 8 here and there than to be married to her?

If she views your drinking, ANY drinking, as problematic (even if you don't), you guys will always be in conflict about it, and she will feel unheard. And even if you offered it before, that's not where she is in that moment. Whether you view it as rational or not, you have to hear and respond to where she is in that moment.

Better: You know, W. You are right. I've cut back, but didn't fully get how important it was to you that I REALLY STOP drinking until now. Yeah, I get it now, it was a big issue in our relationship and has been in other ways for me. It's time I not let it be an issue in my life anymore. Thanks for caring enough to bring it up again.

Originally Posted By: Kolja
I told her that if she rethought things, the door would still be open to her. She said she wouldn't be rethinking, and not to think there's a chance.


Stop saying this. It is pursuit, and she knows where you stand. You are better off focusing on yourself, with her unsure of where you stand.

Leaving the clear path home, in my opinion, is more about how you interact with them when THEY approach you, rather than repeatedly showing to them that there is a path home and you want them to take it.


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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kolja Offline OP
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There were definitely some missteps. Im glad I recognized them sooner than before and didn't carry the conversation along that way longer like I had in the past.

Her attitudes about alcohol are really confusing to me (so frustrating that she didn't want to continue the counseling because I so desperately want to understand how we have gone from a couple who could party together to where it seems like any drink, even if only one and no matter how infrequently, is a sign to her of an enduring problem. And at point did she ever clearly tell me what she wanted one way or another so I was kind of left to guess. I feel like we could have really benefitted from some professional help working through the attitudes surrounding this issue.

There will be more opportunity for interaction in the course of the legal process, and the things she's left here that she still wants - so I feel like I have opportunities to do better.

In addition to the pictures, she took gifts that I has given her. Including a flag we took along on a flight over Afghanistan. We made up a certificate - in her married name - that the crew all signed and I had it framed. Along with other things I have given her over the past 2 1/2 years.


Me: 36
Her: 35
Together 7/09
Married 8/7/10
Separate rooms since at least April 11
"I've decided I want a divorce" 12/5/11
She moves out of state/files 2/7/12
Dissolution final 5/12
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 539
Likes: 11
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Originally Posted By: kolja
There were definitely some missteps. Im glad I recognized them sooner than before and didn't carry the conversation along that way longer like I had in the past.


This developing insight is great news. The earlier "Oops, not this again" progresses to the effortful, but successful "Ha, I'm not going to make the same mistake this time", progresses to the effortless, more automatic, "I remember when I would have handled it THAT way before."

Originally Posted By: kolja
Her attitudes about alcohol are really confusing to me (so frustrating that she didn't want to continue the counseling because I so desperately want to understand how we have gone from a couple who could party together to where it seems like any drink, even if only one and no matter how infrequently, is a sign to her of an enduring problem. And at point did she ever clearly tell me what she wanted one way or another so I was kind of left to guess. I feel like we could have really benefited from some professional help working through the attitudes surrounding this issue.


Yeah, it's hard to know at what point she began to view things differently (whether she was unhappy and not communicating/sharing with you [or you not hearing the way she was communicating] or whether it is revisionist history)

Do you have a sense of how WAS left previous relationships? Do you have a sense if WAS is running TO anything (anyone?) or if she is running AWAY?


Me-53
W-49
D22,D18,D15
T-Since-12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing start-04/2011
Now-together
Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
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