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#2233764 - 03/27/12 10:11 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10626
Loc: west coast
ps

sorry for the hijack!!!

confused
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2233790 - 03/27/12 11:38 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
evas Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 35
25yearsmic, thank you so much for your reply - it's very helpful.

I have started my own thread (in Newcomers under "Advice Please"), I was merely replying to PrincessP here. I def. don't believe it serves any purpose with friends and family who talk nasty about H, but few of them understand MLC, which is why I wanted someone who does understand to talk to. I am also aware that guilt isn't going to make things better. What worries me is that if I do tell H about the problems our S (who is 4) is having, H is going to believe that I am trying to make him feel guilty. H already sees the good stuff S is doing, because when H comes over S is very happy to show him.

I haven't "punished" H since I found DB. I believe I have been very nice. What I guess I was trying to say is that H has a way of turning anything I say against me, which I realize is very MLC. Bottom line: I have to be very careful with what I tell H and how I say it.

I have talked to a coach (which I also mentioned in my own thread). And it was very good.

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#2233813 - 03/28/12 01:10 AM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: evas]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
Eva, you spoke to a DB coach? How was it? I haven't done that (have to be careful with the finances.) I want to. It's almost tax time and we owe again, so I need to be mindful of spending; although I would spend every last dime I have and live on the streets to save my M.

I want practical advice about how to DB and protect our D4 who like your S is not coping well. Our children are revealing to their stable and trustworthy parents the true nature of their emotional states. They are at critical tipping points as they are trying to please Daddy by acting like they are okay because the children feel guilty for this situation. As hurt as I may be the only reason I am angry with my H is for our D4. She should not have to concern herself with pleasing any adult, it is not her responsibility.

I keep scanning post after post about MLC, kids, more about the "Lighthouse Affect", everything. The better I look, the more carefree I become the more it angers my H. The more I learn the less I feel I am doing correctly. My parochial school upbringing makes me dependent on direct instruction. I am an overachiever so of course I feel like I am failing.

Oy, I vented there.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2233816 - 03/28/12 01:17 AM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
25yearsmic, is your success story or your DB steps chronicled? I see your success came in after three-ish years.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2233832 - 03/28/12 02:07 AM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: PrincessP]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10626
Loc: west coast
we were apart 2 years with several visits in between. The third year I joined him and after a year of that, we went to Retrovaille b/c our piecing went only so far.

We needed new tools. Retrovaille and another, separate individual workshop ("Essential Experience") are what made us feel that we had restored our m.

I think there's a thread around here somewhere in which I began to tell the story but have not completed it. I Do say things I learned though. YOu may find it helpful...

more later

((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2233844 - 03/28/12 02:45 AM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
evas Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 35
PP,
I'm also on a very strict budget (esp now because of MLC and H not really caring about expenses), but I also felt very frustrated and emotional. I signed up for 3 sessions, have had one and will spread the next two out carefully.

When I called I had sort of figured it was MLC, and the coach confirmed that quickly, which helps me navigate a bit better. I think you can learn a lot from this board, too, if $$ is an issue.

The coach told me to treat H as a friend and basically to do 180's and LRT. At that point (I called over 2 weeks ago - my goodness, things have changed so much since then, for one I am much calmer) I didn't say much about S4. Much time was spent on me talking about our history, and sorting out what I could do now. What I do to better my situation, will also benefit S. But since that call, S has begun to display anger and sadness, and I worry a lot about him somehow thinking H left because of him. The ugly truth is that H loves S but is sick of the responsibility, he actually said he wants to go "where the wind takes him". Hard to do with a 4-year old.

Hang in there!

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#2233875 - 03/28/12 10:27 AM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: evas]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
H is angry with me exclusively regardless of other factors, classic MLC. The anger is palpable even our D4 can sense it; children are very perceptive. H doesn't scream or carry on in front of D4 or at me but you can feel it practically radiate out of him.

Even H moved out in the beginning of the year, he still pays the mortgage so he feels entitled (or maybe guilty) to come and go as he pleases. I said in one of my first posts H has been manipulating our D4 for a while now even before he left. His new maneuver is to leave within minutes of my arrival home so now D4 is associating my arrival with her father's departure and she is beginning to resent me for it. While we haven't said anything to her yet (at least I hadn't) D4 very well knows H doesn't live at home with his family but now she feels I am the problem.

Last night I told D4 that "I love Daddy and want him to come home too but he chose to leave and choses to leave each time. This is Daddy's home too and he can come back anytime." I put the responsibility on him. She is smart enough to know what a decision is; I give her choices within limits and she makes decisions for herself. I will remind her of H's choice everytime she feels either she or I are the cause if his leaving.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

Top
#2233910 - 03/28/12 01:20 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: PrincessP]
evas Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 35
PP,
I am not going to hijack your posts anymore ;-), but if you are interested in getting together somewhere in the city, let me know here (or under my own thread in Newcomers "Advice please"). I will probably have to bring S4 though, since H works afternoons and evenings. We could have a stroll in some park or coffee and exchange contact info that way. I hope by writing this I'm not violating any rules.

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#2233949 - 03/28/12 02:55 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: evas]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
Eva,

I don't know all of the DB rules either. Hopefully you won't stop writing. I will definitely check out your post in Newcomers.

Meeting in Central Park is a great idea. You pick a day in the next week, and I will meet you at the Diana Ross Playground(off West 81st Street); afternoons are preferable.

P
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

Top
#2233950 - 03/28/12 02:58 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
I know that we are no where near R but I am curious about Retrouvaille. Angel61 also went through the Program but said it was too early in the R process for them. Can you tell me a little more about the experience?
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

Top
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