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#2233763 - 03/27/12 06:10 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: evas]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10332
Loc: west coast
evas,

like many newcomers (and me included) you are writing your posts on someone else's thread I believe.

So go to the newcomers part and select new topic. I think that's how it's done or Cadet can tell you how.

I hijacked about 3 people's threads before I realized I was not on my own.

So once you have your own thread/topic we can advise you better.

Also could you break up your posts into smaller sections, so it's easier to read and follow.

Especially for those of us who use reading glasses.

thanks and hang in there. This is a great place to be, for a lousy reason.

Any chance you can hire a DB coach? I did many things to save my m but if I could only do ONE

it'd be hiring them & coming here.

Keep posting and I'll keep an eye out for you.



Originally Posted By: evas
My S is also showing signs of regression. But only with me, at bedtime mostly. When H comes around it's all fun and games, H never gets to see anything bad, and I don't tell him, because I know he wouldn't believe me anyway, or think it's just one of my ploys to get him to feel guilty or force him to come back.


guilt does not get them back to stay. If they come around at all, due to guilt, it converts into resentment and is aimed at the source of the guilt=you.

Trying to guilt them always backfires. They will see you as being self righteous and they'll flee farther.

Plus they'll just validate in their minds the reasons they left at first.



I sometimes feel I cannot say anything to him. When he asks about S, which he frequently does in txt mssgs, I always reply the same way: "S is fine, everything's fine!". Though obviously it is not. Whatever.

Why do you always say that?

why not give him something to miss?



I don't know how old your son is (Put that in your signature block too. It'll help summarize your sitch to refresh our memories)

but you could say "S made his first home run today!"...and that will do more than anything to make your h wish he were home...

cutting him off just hurts their r more, which is not your job. If you want to "keep the road home, paved and smooth", don't punish. It'll already be hard for your h to return to a wife who is too angry to ever forgive.

If HE believes you won't ever let go of this, then it's over b/c why should he bother trying?

I'm not saying affairs are fine. I get your pain and I AM SO SORRY...but let's figure out what to do IF you want to reconcile.

See, your h has to believe that marriage to you can be better/different than before

or he won't return....so how are YOU showing him that it can be better?

You can only change you. He's not here posting or trying to save the marriage here. YOU ARE so you are all we can work on....what are YOU doing to show him change in YOU?

Have you read the Div Remedy books? Do so please...it'll help you a lot.

I sense you want your h to know your son is suffering. Fair enough. But ask the DB coach how to get it across OR better yet let your son say it or show it.

You being the messenger of news like that, will make it seem less credible. OR your h will blame you for son's pain and say you are projecting it onto him.

There may even be A bit of truth to that. Are you helping your son feel better or not?

B/c lessening his pain is something you need to help him with.


It's not -letting your h off the hook; it's helping your son cope with loss. Don't confuse helping your son be happy, with benefitting your h even if that is also true.

Your son's happiness must be more important than your h's suffering. Right?



H is coming over tomorrow morning. I just dread when he does. Initially he was angry with me, but that has changed. Now he's just as chipper as can be. The affair is blossoming I suppose. Perhaps I sound jealous, but I am not really. I too wake up very early (but I always did). The mornings and days are usually fine, but the evenings I feel a bit lonely and depressed. I have a couple of friends who check in on me (and talk nasty about H and his actions),

does that help? We find at DB land, it's NOT helpful to have friends chime in to tell us what losers our h's are. IT hurts the cause....tell them gently that you want support in restoring your marriage, not ending it.

Well, is that what you want or not? I can't tell by your post here.



but they too must feel tired of hearing the same story: Nothing new, and I am still sitting here. I am trying to learn how to be patient (being impatient is one of my biggest flaws) - boy, is it hard. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to work and function and put meals on the table and get myself and S up and going every day in amidst all this mess. Oh well, this too shall pass. I take S to family mass in the city on Sundays, that helps. And S prays every night for Dadda to come back home.



Take charge of your life and DO some work to make this relationship better.

what were your h's complaints about you?

What did he SAY were his reasons for wanting out? ANY bit of it valid? Dig deep b/c we all have flaws but which ones bugged HIM the most?

Use that info as "intel for your recon mission" and work on yourself --DIG DEEP!


Do those 180s (opposites) that undermine his reasons for leaving.

you want to undermine his rationalizations for going.

If he said "you have a bad temper" you become "ZEN EVAS" woman...you exude calm serenity...temper? What temper?

Counter his negative images with positives...make sense?

Use this gift of time to improve and Become the best woman you can be. The best mother you can be...and

Be a woman only a fool would leave.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2233764 - 03/27/12 06:11 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10332
Loc: west coast
ps

sorry for the hijack!!!

confused
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2233790 - 03/27/12 07:38 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
evas Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 35
25yearsmic, thank you so much for your reply - it's very helpful.

I have started my own thread (in Newcomers under "Advice Please"), I was merely replying to PrincessP here. I def. don't believe it serves any purpose with friends and family who talk nasty about H, but few of them understand MLC, which is why I wanted someone who does understand to talk to. I am also aware that guilt isn't going to make things better. What worries me is that if I do tell H about the problems our S (who is 4) is having, H is going to believe that I am trying to make him feel guilty. H already sees the good stuff S is doing, because when H comes over S is very happy to show him.

I haven't "punished" H since I found DB. I believe I have been very nice. What I guess I was trying to say is that H has a way of turning anything I say against me, which I realize is very MLC. Bottom line: I have to be very careful with what I tell H and how I say it.

I have talked to a coach (which I also mentioned in my own thread). And it was very good.

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#2233813 - 03/27/12 09:10 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: evas]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
Eva, you spoke to a DB coach? How was it? I haven't done that (have to be careful with the finances.) I want to. It's almost tax time and we owe again, so I need to be mindful of spending; although I would spend every last dime I have and live on the streets to save my M.

I want practical advice about how to DB and protect our D4 who like your S is not coping well. Our children are revealing to their stable and trustworthy parents the true nature of their emotional states. They are at critical tipping points as they are trying to please Daddy by acting like they are okay because the children feel guilty for this situation. As hurt as I may be the only reason I am angry with my H is for our D4. She should not have to concern herself with pleasing any adult, it is not her responsibility.

I keep scanning post after post about MLC, kids, more about the "Lighthouse Affect", everything. The better I look, the more carefree I become the more it angers my H. The more I learn the less I feel I am doing correctly. My parochial school upbringing makes me dependent on direct instruction. I am an overachiever so of course I feel like I am failing.

Oy, I vented there.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2233816 - 03/27/12 09:17 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
25yearsmic, is your success story or your DB steps chronicled? I see your success came in after three-ish years.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

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#2233832 - 03/27/12 10:07 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: PrincessP]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 10332
Loc: west coast
we were apart 2 years with several visits in between. The third year I joined him and after a year of that, we went to Retrovaille b/c our piecing went only so far.

We needed new tools. Retrovaille and another, separate individual workshop ("Essential Experience") are what made us feel that we had restored our m.

I think there's a thread around here somewhere in which I began to tell the story but have not completed it. I Do say things I learned though. YOu may find it helpful...

more later

((( )))
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

Top
#2233844 - 03/27/12 10:45 PM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: 25yearsmlc]
evas Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 35
PP,
I'm also on a very strict budget (esp now because of MLC and H not really caring about expenses), but I also felt very frustrated and emotional. I signed up for 3 sessions, have had one and will spread the next two out carefully.

When I called I had sort of figured it was MLC, and the coach confirmed that quickly, which helps me navigate a bit better. I think you can learn a lot from this board, too, if $$ is an issue.

The coach told me to treat H as a friend and basically to do 180's and LRT. At that point (I called over 2 weeks ago - my goodness, things have changed so much since then, for one I am much calmer) I didn't say much about S4. Much time was spent on me talking about our history, and sorting out what I could do now. What I do to better my situation, will also benefit S. But since that call, S has begun to display anger and sadness, and I worry a lot about him somehow thinking H left because of him. The ugly truth is that H loves S but is sick of the responsibility, he actually said he wants to go "where the wind takes him". Hard to do with a 4-year old.

Hang in there!

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#2233875 - 03/28/12 06:27 AM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: evas]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
H is angry with me exclusively regardless of other factors, classic MLC. The anger is palpable even our D4 can sense it; children are very perceptive. H doesn't scream or carry on in front of D4 or at me but you can feel it practically radiate out of him.

Even H moved out in the beginning of the year, he still pays the mortgage so he feels entitled (or maybe guilty) to come and go as he pleases. I said in one of my first posts H has been manipulating our D4 for a while now even before he left. His new maneuver is to leave within minutes of my arrival home so now D4 is associating my arrival with her father's departure and she is beginning to resent me for it. While we haven't said anything to her yet (at least I hadn't) D4 very well knows H doesn't live at home with his family but now she feels I am the problem.

Last night I told D4 that "I love Daddy and want him to come home too but he chose to leave and choses to leave each time. This is Daddy's home too and he can come back anytime." I put the responsibility on him. She is smart enough to know what a decision is; I give her choices within limits and she makes decisions for herself. I will remind her of H's choice everytime she feels either she or I are the cause if his leaving.
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

Top
#2233910 - 03/28/12 09:20 AM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: PrincessP]
evas Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/12
Posts: 35
PP,
I am not going to hijack your posts anymore ;-), but if you are interested in getting together somewhere in the city, let me know here (or under my own thread in Newcomers "Advice please"). I will probably have to bring S4 though, since H works afternoons and evenings. We could have a stroll in some park or coffee and exchange contact info that way. I hope by writing this I'm not violating any rules.

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#2233949 - 03/28/12 10:55 AM Re: Keeping the Kids Out of It [Re: evas]
PrincessP Offline
Member

Registered: 02/28/12
Posts: 54
Loc: NJ
Eva,

I don't know all of the DB rules either. Hopefully you won't stop writing. I will definitely check out your post in Newcomers.

Meeting in Central Park is a great idea. You pick a day in the next week, and I will meet you at the Diana Ross Playground(off West 81st Street); afternoons are preferable.

P
_________________________
M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already

Top
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