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Joined: Feb 2012
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If anyone can speak to this unnerving situation of having put our four-year old daughter in bed with a strange woman. Since my H walked out two months, we have not any conversation/sit down with her as to why Daddy does not live in the house anymore. Heck, my H and I haven’t even spoken. As far as our D4 knows he is working (given his profession it’s not uncharacteristic) albeit this highly out of the ordinary to have him gone EVERY night for two months. She has no clue that he does not technically live with us anymore and we are not a family.

In general society, if a man (even if invited by the mom) were to lay down in a bed with a minor child they would be questioned about their morals or maybe called a sexual deviant for not having better or good judgment for this action. As a woman myself and a strong one at that, women should be held to the same standard. I think my H would go ballistic if I put our D4 in bed with another man and me. While there is no formula for when new SOs should be introduced to your children, I would imagine that throwing them into a bed with your kids is not an appropriate first encounter.

Anyone I share this scenario with, even other dads, are completely creeped out by the thought. What must our child be thinking.

Any advice?


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Sep 2011
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Princess it has been a few days since you posted, tell us what is going on, so we can help.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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I saw my therapist on Monday night. She suggested a succinct email to my H addressing the most critical (at this time) parenting issues was the best way to go. She was agreement about the inappropriateness of H asking D4 to keep secrets about who was joining them for their quality time; she also advised me to bring up setting a set schedule for his visits, and him sharing more information about D4’s whereabouts when she would be with him. Both of us agreed that this will be an all-out war and I should send the message when I am ready for his wrath.

The one area we do not see eye-to-eye H’s exposing our D4 to other women, so quickly. We have not even had “the talk” with D4. Why my therapist thinks it is okay is not clear to me, even though I have asked her outright. Her perspective is that D4 needs her father and should learn to deal with him despite his shortcomings. Moreover, she feels this particular woman is going to be around for a while because a.) she has her claws in and won’t easily let go; b.) and he is enjoying the freedom he didn’t have before during the other PA/EA.

Honestly, if you presented this scenario to my H two years ago he would have thought the husband/father was off the deep end. I think the first affair changed his moral compass and was the beginning of his mental and emotional demise. I feel divided because I still love H and wish I could save our family but a large part of me fears that this is beyond salvaging. I only ever wanted a good and happy family (not perfect.)


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 54
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Adinva, I am taking your advice and writing what I hope will be an even-tempered/toned and sincere email to H about our D4. Thank you for the levelheaded perspective.

Is this an 180 for myself?


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 54
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Thank you all for the support. I hope more from the DB Community chime in, especially the parents.

I don’t want to rock the 180 boat with a resentment-filled dialogue or written communication. With that said, our D4 is suffering in this situation. She is showing signs of severe anxiety. Our once happy go-lucky and innocent child is seemingly frightened and trepidatious about what she can and cannot say, even about day-to-day things such as how her day at (nursery) school was. It needs to be addressed and perhaps the best way to do it is have this conversation in the presence of a child psychologist. I can only hope that he would be amenable to family therapy, if nothing else. Whatever happens in our adult world kids have to be protected from as much as possible.

I am disappointed, for lack of a better word, in my H for putting her in this position. Even my therapist feels it is an unconscionable burden to place on a child. He is in a selfish place right now. There is nothing I have done or will do that I will ask our D to cover up for me.


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
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Originally Posted By: PrincessP
As I am a new member of the DB Online Community I posted my story in someone else’s thread. Sorry. I didn’t start in the appropriate place.

Here is my story.

My H walked out the night before my birthday early in January of this year. He said that I have been “mean to him for 20 years” and we have sexless marriage. We have been together for 19 years (since college,) and have been married for the last 9. For 12 years we have weathered the hardships of his education and training to become a physician. In that time, I supported us financially, emotionally, and managed every aspect of our lives to keep everything moving.

We hardly fought except about the severe lack intimacy now and then, until our child was born and things got very bad. I suffered from severe post-partum after suffering a horrible delivery and being overwhelmed as a mom and keeping all of the above home management and a full-time career still going. The sexless relationship started a few years after we first got together. Looking back I feel I lost interest because I felt that I was on the back burner to his career goals. As an only child I craved attention even though I kept telling myself and others I could handle the life of a lonely doctor’s W. When the post-partum set in I have to admit that I did get VERY frustrated; I felt I was still doing everything on my own and now added single mom to the list. After some great individual therapy I got my relationship with our child back on track; it was really awful for the first year and half.

In that time of mending, my H started his first job (post training) and had an A with a nurse. Sounds so cliché. After finding out about it nine months later, we went to couples therapy with someone who did not suit us. My biggest regret is not finding a better suited therapist after five months of wasted time, money, and effort.

Last week my H went to see my individual therapist to tell her (instead of me directly) that there is no possibility for reconciliation and he cannot understand why I am surprised about this. He repeated that he has been unhappy for a very long time, cannot take the sexless marriage, and I am “mean and nasty.” He comes over to the house (yes, we bought an extravagant house in the last six months and even talked of having another child) to see our child. He is cordial, and even gives me a hug and a peck on the top of my head. I know he loves me still and this is hard for him. I have evidence there is someone else in his life already, not sure how long it has been going on or if it is someone new or the previous person. He lives somewhere close by but I do not know where. He has shrouded himself in mystery; I guess he is enjoying the control which he felt he never had in our relationship.

I do not want to give up on our marriage, it is simply not in my DNA. I read Divorce Remedy in the last few days and have the 37 guidelines next to my desk. While the concepts are pragmatic, it seems they are well out of my reach to execute. My therapist is trying to convince to move on with my own life because my H will never come back; he is committed to his decision according to my therapist. In the last two weeks I put an end to my pity party; I am wearing make-up again and even doing my hair in new ways. Small differences that everyone is noticing even my H. Time is working against me, we cannot hold onto the house for too much longer. In order to keep working full time and have child care I either need to move 100 miles away to my parents or 20 miles into the big city nearby (where I work). I do not want to ever send the message that I am giving up or I am done but practicality is what I am faced with.

Since my first posting at the end of Feb, I have set my meta-goals:
1. Reflection on what I have contributed to our M (both good and bad.)
2. Being a more supportive parent to our D4
3. Improving for myself and my family
4. Working towards my H considering R.

I won’t list all of the bite-size steps here.

Interestingly enough my jazzed up look and aloofness seem to be back-firing. Either my H is getting angry that I look good or he is so much in lust with this new woman he can’t see any of the 180s (even minimally.) I can’t go entirely dark because we share a child. Any thoughts?


From other thread, please stick to this one until 100 posts.


Me-70, D37,S36
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Originally Posted By: PrincessP
Adinva, I am taking your advice and writing what I hope will be an even-tempered/toned and sincere email to H about our D4. Thank you for the levelheaded perspective.

Is this an 180 for myself?


Suggestion, post it here before you send it.

Remember the 24-48 hour rule, do not be too quick to answer him.

Learn patience.


Me-70, D37,S36
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How long have some of you been DBing? What keeps you going?


M: 39, H: 38
D: 4
Together: 19 Y
Married: 9 Y
Bomb #1: 11/04/11 (5 days b/f anniversary)
Bomb #2 and H left: 01/03/12 (day b/f my bday)
OW: confirmed, they live together already
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Originally Posted By: PrincessP
How long have some of you been DBing? What keeps you going?

Well you can see my registration date and I was on other boards before this one.

I keep going because, do you have another alternative?

When you figure out what it is we can write a book. smile smile smile

There is only one way to go over a mountain. One step at a time.

No shortcuts or magic wands will make it better.

But if you can enjoy the trek as you go then it is not so bad.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,877
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I've been dbing for about nine months. What keeps me going is that I look at what alternatives there are and think this is the best. I am...
- improving myself
- addressing my shortcomings
- conceding to what is outside my control
- giving my H the space he wants and needs

I could be...
- arguing and fighting pointlessly
- giving up without trying
- acting like a victim

I started posting here full of pain and outrage. My outrage spread beyond what H did that was really wrong to include all kinds of things he did that were more like differences in parenting styles. To me the OW thing is a negotiable - it would be nice to be able to dictate that he can't be around any OW while your daughter's with him. Wouldn't it be better to ask him if he's willing to set some guidelines you'll both agree to and follow? If the guideline is "not till you're serious" well, maybe he is serious with that other person already, at least in his own mind. Maybe he thought that was entirely appropriate. People H knows, but who are strangers to you, will be a part of his life, and therefore your daughter's, in the future. It's a fact.

If there's a legitimate reason she's not safe with him then you'll need to work with a lawyer and the court system to fight for custody and require supervised visitation. You need to know what's legally OK and what's not.

Now, the secret-keeping thing is a real problem for her safety and wellbeing, and the damage is evident in your daughter's new anxious behavior. You say he's not talking to you, and that's not acceptable - you have some control over this because you control his access to his daughter. If he's going to take her from you he needs to talk to you first about where she'll be going and who she'll be with, and you need to share with him your concern about asking her to keep secrets. If he won't talk reasonably with you about it ask if he'd be willing to meet together with a neutral third party like a therapist you mutually agree on.

Good luck, will be thinking of you.


Adinva 51, S20, S18
M24 total
6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out
9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50
5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend
__
Happiness is a warm puppy.
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