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#2234553 - 03/31/12 01:15 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5363
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Well I switch the day or two with my W so she can go because that means I get my S for a week straight over Easter which I'm excited about.

As for my W I plan on just letting her go to the other state and if she does I will let her know that I know about the other men and I'm not ok with living in an open marriage.



Two points:


1. Your words say one thing, Snowman, but your ACTIONS say another.

2. I can assure you, your wife pays no attention to your words; only your actions.


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

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#2234576 - 03/31/12 03:37 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Originally Posted By: Snowman


As for my W I plan on just letting her go to the other state and if she does I will let her know that I know about the other men and I'm not ok with living in an open marriage.


I know focusing on what other men there are is bad for me and I don't plan on doing that but I also will not just turn a blind eye either.


Above does not equal below. Think about it.

Originally Posted By: Snowman


My changes I'm making are for me. I'm not doing it to manipulate my W or anything else. I know it takes time to see changes and trust them but I have been working on these changes for months since I worked with my IC when this all started. I know that is not a year but man how long do I have to go especially when the changes are for me not her.

One thing I do remember discussing with my IC about my control problem is that my W would always be yelling which would cause me to want to control things to minimize her anger and yelling at me or what ever problem she was dealing with.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2234582 - 03/31/12 04:12 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Starsky309]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Starsky-I understand your point.

I don't want to excuse her or me by any means but we both have had different scheduling conflicts in the last week were we have had to ask the other to cover for each other. Her going out of town only changes one day during this week and it is my weekend next anyone so she would be going anyway. I know if I didn't switch with her this one day she would perceive this as controlling even though that is beside the point because why she is going is the problem. I will add she doesn't know that I know of the OM where she is going.

When I asked my W in text where she was going on her road trip she said maybe one place or other (the place where the OM is). I know she said that because if she said just this place it would really sound weird because we have never been there and it is very far away.

My point is I don't know 100% for sure she is going to see the OM but in my heart I know she is. My question is do I just talk to her now before she goes to put things straight?

Our phone records indicate she is contacting numerous new people which I can guaranty are not new girlfriends. If I didn't know better she is on a online dating website our she is just chasing men on Facebook all over the place. Anyway I don't see for myself how I can go on like this with my W running towards any man that she can find. If that's what she wants then so be it and I will move on.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

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#2234589 - 03/31/12 05:40 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
My question to you is why bother ?
Is it a deal breaker to you ?
Why do you feel you have the right to get in the way of her pursuit of happiness ?
Why do you feel you have the right to control her ?
Why do you enjoy a divergence of paths on your words and actions ?

Seriously!

Why?

You already gave her your blessing to go on this trip. You showed this with words and actions. You are rearranging your schedule to accommodate her.

Your idea of dropping a guilt bomb before she takes off is not going to do anything.

Except show once again how you try to control her.

Let it go.

If you really want to know what is going on hire a P.I. Get your proof to satisfy what emotional needs you need satisfied.



If I was you. I would cancel the phones.

Why do you keep them in play?
Why do you keep spying on her?

You will get more sleep when you do not pour over her movements.
You will get more sleep when you let it go.

If its a deal breaker. Fast track the divorce and get it over with.

If it is not. Then stop trying to control her with guilt bombs.

Your whole thread is you working towards your next guilt session with your wife.

You need to learn that you cannot control her. It has been a constant theme since you started to post here.

Your not getting that.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2234590 - 03/31/12 05:41 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5363
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: Snowman
Starsky-I understand your point.

I don't want to excuse her or me by any means but we both have had different scheduling conflicts in the last week were we have had to ask the other to cover for each other. Her going out of town only changes one day during this week and it is my weekend next anyone so she would be going anyway. I know if I didn't switch with her this one day she would perceive this as controlling . . .



Snowman,

How long have you been at this now? If you are still operating from a standpoint of worrying how your wife is going to perceive things, then you will be forever STUCK.

Start instead doing everything from a position of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation? What is the thing that God Himself would have me do, if He were standing right in front of me?"

I don't care one whit what your wife perceives things to be, when you are looking out for yourself and your interests, and neither should you.

I'm not just picking on you; this forum is FULL of threads of betrayed spouses who make grand pronouncements such as "Make no mistake, my wife knows EXACTLY what my position is!" . . . and yet their ACTIONS say otherwise. You'd actually be better off NOT saying a boundary, if you're not going to enforce it with action.


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2234591 - 03/31/12 05:42 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: chatterbug]
Starsky309 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/11/10
Posts: 5363
Loc: Florida
Originally Posted By: chatterbug
My question to you is why bother ?
Is it a deal breaker to you ?
Why do you feel you have the right to get in the way of her pursuit of happiness ?
Why do you feel you have the right to control her ?
Why do you enjoy a divergence of paths on your words and actions ?

Seriously!

Why?

You already gave her your blessing to go on this trip. You showed this with words and actions. You are rearranging your schedule to accommodate her.

Your idea of dropping a guilt bomb before she takes off is not going to do anything.

Except show once again how you try to control her.

Let it go.

If you really want to know what is going on hire a P.I. Get your proof to satisfy what emotional needs you need satisfied.



If I was you. I would cancel the phones.

Why do you keep them in play?
Why do you keep spying on her?

You will get more sleep when you do not pour over her movements.
You will get more sleep when you let it go.

If its a deal breaker. Fast track the divorce and get it over with.

If it is not. Then stop trying to control her with guilt bombs.

Your whole thread is you working towards your next guilt session with your wife.

You need to learn that you cannot control her. It has been a constant theme since you started to post here.

Your not getting that.




AGREE.


Starsky
_________________________
M54 W 54; D27 D25 S21 S18 GD4 GD 2m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07
Filed 4 D 7/07
Piecing 07-10
At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)

Top
#2234631 - 03/31/12 11:03 PM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Starsky309]
Snowman Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 148
Maybe I have been lying to myself be thinking that the actions of my W are not a deal breaker but really they are. An open marriage is not acceptable to me. I would not be ok if my W wanted to date other guys if we were not separated/in this mess so does that mean that I should not be ok now that we are separated? I guess so. Maybe I should move ahead with the D.

Chatterbug-I don't think I can control her or stop her from her happiness. I did not know where she was going on her trip until after I had agreed to it not that it matters because again that is controlling. I agreed to change the schedule freely and decided to not control her. I find out after where she was going from her. If I knew where she was going I would probably not agreed to change the schedule but yet again I know that is controlling. Its not like I can trust my W actions to be ones that I agree with or that are helping the R which yet again controlling on my part. My point being is that I could say no to ever request on schedule changes for my S and make things difficult for both of us but in the end my S is the only one that would suffer. I felt like everyone is advising me too set the boundary of open marriage is not ok and I agree that it is not with me. I also agree trying to drop a guilt bomb is not the best approach so I will pass on that but I still feel that I should set my boundary in the open marriage regard because yes it is not ok with me.

I'm sorry I made the stupid mistake of agreeing to the schedule change but all I had to work off was her question to do it and our past history of doing so because things have been pretty flexible in that area of our lives because we both work.

I sleep fine actually as I work hard and play hard. I will admit this thing got me frazzled this week here and there but not enough to ruin my sleep.

Starksy-When I try to answer what is the right thing to do or what God himself do question my mind swirls with thoughts. God would and has forgiven all of us so I guess I should do the same. The right thing to do is to be honest from my perspective and if I'm honest then my W dating or chasing other guys is not OK with me whether that is controlling or not it is my honest answer. If I'm being honest with myself and my W then I should share that with her and set the boundary.
_________________________
Me:29
W:28
S:2
M: 5 years
Bomb: 7-26-11
Separated: 8-20-11
EA w/ multiple OMs
W filed 1/2012

Top
#2234638 - 04/01/12 12:18 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: Snowman]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
So SM, what if the only thing that happened was that your W had a "crush" on a guy, it was never physical... not even a kiss... but maybe they chatted all the time, she told him secrets, he to her his, she bought him cologne at random to let him know she appreciated him, that he sent her flowers once in a while... it was an EA... but not a PA...

Would THAT be a deal breaker for you?

I thought an A was a deal breaker for me... ANY type of A... and then I thought... maybe not... and then I was absolutely sure it really was and that an open M was a deal breaker...

An A that doesn't end... THAT is a deal breaker... really, it's not like there's a choice...

An A that ends... is it really...?

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#2234651 - 04/01/12 02:08 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
Dude. Its not a stupid mistake. Its one you made at that time. Its a choice. So accept it.

You love you wife. If you did not you would not be flopping back and forth. But at the same time you rediscovering yourself.

Somewhere in there is balance.

And that my friend is where you have to move towards.

Remember this choice has two results.

1. Your wife goes away on a trip.
2. You get a week with your son.

See you need to change how you deliver your message.

Want to send a message.

Go through your house. Remove all pictures of a marriage. Act like your selling your house. Remove all personal pictures.

Now that they are gone.

Go out and have an amazing day with your son.

Take a ton of pictures.

Go out and get some new picture frames or re use old ones.

Put those pictures up.

And never mention them.

If she asks.

You talk about the amazing day you had.

You will see she will change the subject.

That sends a message.

One she will read loud and clear.

You are not messing around any more.

And if she asks you if you can see a future with her.

You say.

No. Not at this time.

Then you go silent.



You did not pressure her.

You did not control her.

You stated your thoughts. Through actions.

Those will carry more weight.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
#2234652 - 04/01/12 02:11 AM Re: W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore-P2 [Re: chatterbug]
chatterbug Offline
Member

Registered: 09/19/09
Posts: 2757
P.S. You can change pictures to something else. It was the first thing I thought of.

The point I was trying to make was. Its time to make the place into your place.
_________________________
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul.
unconditional love is awesome!

Top
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