A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out. Go to the new Divorce Busting® Store where you can sign up for Divorce Busting® Coaching and purchase Michele's Audios, Videos and eBooks that you can immediately download. Start taking the steps that will help you get your marriage back on track right away.
Page 5 of 13 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 12 13 >
Topic Options
#2231380 - 03/17/12 04:55 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: rickb89]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Thanks all. I did get to speak to my kids today. W kept her promise and D called me this morning around 10 my time. W didn't talk to me, just D. I called S and spoke to him. he said he'd somehow turned his ringer off.

This evening I tried to call both my W and S and neither answered. Sent TM to both asking to call me before bed. Neither did. Its disappointing. But as I said earlier, I'm too tired to give W's behavior more of my energy than I need too.

Zig- thanks for the perspective. W is very much "drowning" in some ways. When she is with her friends as she is now, its like an escape where she shuts out her problems and pretends all is fine. The reality is there is no room for me in that escape at this point. It is what it is.

NH & Rick - the Nice Guy book really talks a lot about stating my needs is a requirement. I've never done that well but I am learning to and this will be an opportunity to practice.

Purg - good reminder that W doesn't think normally anymore, at least her "normal" isn't what it use to be, thats for sure.

WHG - Its a weird thing because W is VERY involved with the kids. It feels like a battle to be included in anything these days were once I was welcomed. Now its like she arranges things to limit my ability to be part of it unless is a major thing like birthdays or holidays. I've started making plans for me and the kids do to stuff but need to do more of it to make sure I have time with them.

Rickb - I'll have to build up to the Bikram Yoga. But I'll look for it around here.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2231386 - 03/17/12 06:51 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/14/11
Posts: 755
with my kids.. when H stated at the counseling session that he wanted out of the M, i suddenly shifted gears. i told him i wanted to have the kids every second weekend (because i wanted to have fun times w/ S as well since he is in school all week) and then also told H that i wanted the kids to call me when they were ready for bed on the nights when he had them.

after a couple of weekends of not having the kids, H really felt how much it hurt me to be away from the kids. there was also a week where S and D wanted to call H every night (because they were use to calling me). he seemed to enjoy the phone calls (which the kids initiated. i would have had them call if H had requested) because when they didn't, he would send a txt saying.. no call tonight? w/ a sad face.

i guess what i'm saying is that when it comes to the kids, you may have to step on W's toes and voice what you want. in the end, it will hurt more if you look back one day and regret that you didn't.

as for bikram's.. i went a couple of times years ago.. brutal! wink

((((( ))))) thought you might need one while the kids are away.
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

Top
#2231421 - 03/17/12 04:07 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Thanks BF! Much needed and appreciated. They come home tomorrow.

I called again this morning. S said his phone died. He was heading to a friends house for the day and night.

W answered quickly and apologized. Said she didn't see the call until late and D was already asleep. Again, we just did this the night before. Goes to what Zig said, its just not in her brain. I think for my W, she is so elated to be hanging with her friends she is able to close out the thoughts of all the problems she has and doesn't want to deal with. Yeah, may be mind-reading but based upon a few conversations we've had, I'd say my theory is well supported.

I stayed cool and when W said that I just said, "OK, I just called to talk to D. So we spoke, exchanged our "I love you" and I hung up before W could get back on the phone. I told both kids I'd like them to call me before bed. We'll see. I also understand this is their last night of spring break, they're running around with friends and it may not happen. So I'll keep myself busy and doing what I want regardless.

Warm & sunny day today. My back yard is a jungle of weeds and I'm ignoring it to go do other things I want to do! (plus its a swampy mess from the storms).
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2231443 - 03/17/12 07:22 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
CES - you can build up to Bikram while being there...just do what you can do and build up at your pace. Also, it doesn't matter how much of the pose you do. If you do even only 1%, but do it 100% correctly then you still get 100% of the medical benefit. Really not trying to push it on you, but did want you to know that you can start there and build it up as you go. The first time I went I thought I had died...but with time and patience you get used to it.

I find it helps me tremendously in my sitch.

Top
#2231510 - 03/18/12 03:33 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: rickb89]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Last night before family returns. Another night went by where I couldn't get ahold of the kids to say good night. Spoke to both of them earlier today but prefer to say goodnight too. S is at a freinds again and D is with W. I didn't even bother trying to call.

Stayed busy today. Got up and ran some errands. Also went into work to get my new office set up. That way I can get started right away on Monday. Really looking forward to the new job.

Also took the long way home and did some preliminary car shopping. My car is 11 years old so I'm going to need something maybe before the end of the year.

Not sure what to expect when W gets home. We have spoken less on this trip than we have any of her trips Typically we talk at least a little each day. This week, we barely spoke at all. And the fact that it was so hard to talk with the kids made it even worse.

Observation about myself. There are so many times I start to type something about my W and then stop. I find myself constantly wanting to complain about what she does, says, acts, etc. etc... It is very frustrating. Its hurtful. Its exhausting. But I also think I'm making it works by taking even more time to complain about it.

Ok, she's not acting at all how I wish she would. That's reality. I can't change it so back to what I want to do and be and stop giving my energy to complaining about how she is....

OK, just had to preach to myself a bit.

Rickb - If Bikram Yoga helps, then I gotta try it!
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2231511 - 03/18/12 03:39 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
Originally Posted By: ces67
But I also think I'm making it works by taking even more time to complain about it.


"worse" not "works"...
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2231579 - 03/18/12 06:24 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
CES - its a dilemma about whether venting or complaining is a good thing. On one hand you get to journal it which helps because it helps your mind to get around it, and it allows the rest of us to weigh in. OTOH, action in and of itself creates the kind of energy you need to move your life forward and to be more able to receive the answers.

That's why I was promoting the yoga, but it could be found in something as simple as just sitting around playing your guitar.

Top
#2231580 - 03/18/12 06:25 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 1024
I need to be more aware of how I respond to interactions with my w. Last night was another night of not hearing from anyone. W and I have only spoken a few sentences to each other the entire 9 days they've been gone.

So this morning, the phone wakes me up a little after 7am. Its my W. She calls to tell me her travel plans for returning today. She explains S was at a friends, D ended up spending the night with friends at a hotel (Dance competition) and how she was collecting them this morning, watching a few more of the dances and having lunch before hitting the road.

I listened, said thanks and something along the lines of "safe travels". W even said she'd call later to let me know when they actually leave.

So my response. My brain struggles between being frustrated at how casual she acts after not speaking for nearly a week and having trouble even getting ahold of my kids. On the other hand, I also realize that the fact that she called, was pleasant and made me aware of her plans could be seen as a positive.

I was casual in the conversation but wish I would have said "thanks for calling" or something along those lines to sort of reward the behavior I like. Maybe a missed opportunity but at least I should be able to recognize it better next time.
_________________________
Me:45, W:44
S:15, D:12
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
2 attempts at MC-stopped 09/13
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms

Top
#2231590 - 03/18/12 07:31 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
None of this is easy CES. The tighter we hold on the harder each little interaction is.

Can you speak to your kids directly and come to an understanding on phone comnunication?

Top
#2231670 - 03/19/12 04:22 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: rickb89]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/27/11
Posts: 243
I would ask W, "Do you think it is important for the kids and I to have a phone call on nights when they are out of town?".

She probably doesn't, or she would have made it easier. Depending on her attitude though, she may have been spreading those feelings to the kids. That would bother me. The issues you've had with D9 unable to tell you that she loves you when W is in the room. I would mention it. I would want to make it clear to W that she can have loads of space, but you won't have your relationships with your kids undermined by her attitude.

Is that shirt still hanging up in the bathroom, ces?
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

Top
Page 5 of 13 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... 12 13 >


Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004