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#2232270 - 03/20/12 11:40 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: labug]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 981
Originally Posted By: labug
How does it happen that she contributes nothing to household expenses? I'm having a difficult time with figuring this out if that is, in fact, what you're saying


She has been a stay home mom for over 13 years. That's how we have always worked it. So it's kind of a habit now. Up until she maxed out the cards we shared everything and I had no issue with providing the income. I always felt part of my ability to do good work was how well she managed the home. We were a team.

Now though, we have struggled and when we talked about her getting a job I thought it was so she could help. In small ways I see that she does. She gives the kids their allowance each pay. She is also paying for the one credit card that is in her name. But I think that is mainly because she does not want me to see how much she is using it, although its pretty obvious.

Bug, this is probably another one of those boundary discussions that I may need to have with her. Remember, I'm a recovering nice guy so these old habits of mine are hard for me to see sometimes.

Oh, and the t-shirt has NOT made a reappearance as of yet.
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2232292 - 03/21/12 02:20 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
barely floating Offline
Member

Registered: 12/13/11
Posts: 750
finance talk is just no fun.

i'm glad you enjoy spending time w/ your kids. honestly.. i find it so attractive when a man is devoted to his family and kids (not that i was ever tempted to date a married man! so not into that!!)

this trip i'm on with the kids.. it was never planned to be vindictive. i never wanted H to feel like he was being left out. it was purely my wanting to create a positive experience for them.. with me.. through all this muckiness. i don't know what the future holds.. i just wanted to do things while i have the chance. nothing wrong with you wanting to do the same w/ yours. hope you do get that opportunity because i think you would really benefit from that. ocean shores? too far?? smile
_________________________
Me:38.. H:33.
Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3
M:8.. together for 11.
Bomb dropped:10/17/11
Separated:11/07/11

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#2232525 - 03/21/12 11:10 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: barely floating]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 981
Thanks BF! With the new job I started a little over 2 years ago I got a lot less time off so it's been a challenge to find both time and money to do some fun things like short trips. So my W has taken the opportunity to go on several trips without me. Honestly, I'm a little jealous that she gets so much time with the kids without me.

I've built up some time now and with the new job I should have some extra cash to do some things so I will need to plan something.

W is planning yet another trip back to see friends in April. This is just her. The kids have school but maybe I can plan a weekend getaway while she is gone. On a side note, I expect that trip to be the last she can afford before maxing out her own credit card...

D10 stayed home today with pink eye. W said she would probably stay home the rest of the week.

The night was ok. W had kids out for drum practice (apparently pink eye doesn't impact that activity). So they were not home when I got home. I then left to go to church for the night. Nothing major when I got home. Little interaction at all with w but spent time in the room all together talked with the kids on the days stuff.

Still no t-shirt.....
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2232976 - 03/24/12 12:45 AM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 981
Journal stuff:

Work wise, the week has been great. Started my new job at my company on Monday and feel like I hit the ground running. Ended the week today by providing senior leaders an update on an issue we discovered and provided some action plans to correct. My new boss seemed very pleased with how things were handled. The team is a good group of people and we seem to have hit it off pretty well so far.

Home front, not much new. Very little conversation with W this week. I e-mailed her some ideas on how we might use our tax return and asked what she thought. That was 2 days ago and no response. I've tried some very basic conversation but it gets no where.

Last night w took s13 to the midnight showing of hunger games. They had fun. W never told me she was doing is. My s did. Now today my d tells me that w told her she would take her on Sunday. Again, no mention to me and no invitation. Part of me wants to invite myself.

This evening s had 3 buddies over so they are having fun. W corralled d into a room so they could play games on the computer and then went upstairs to watch a movie. It seems that w is constantly organizing activities so that I cannot be included. The problem is that much of what she does she can't afford. But it's on her own credit card so I'll let her deal with that.

I plan to take my kids to see my new office tomorrow. I don't intend to invite my w directly so it will be interesting if she gets herself ready to go with us.

Also I had told w that I was helping a friend from church move tomorrow morning. So she has to get up, get d to b-day party at 9:30 and handle breakfast for the boys.

Why do I feel like this is such a competition for time with the kids. I feel I'm doing good not to act that way but in doing so, I am losing time with them. Just need to start making more plans and just doing them.

And the t-shirt is back again. I will say something to w this weekend about removing it and the picture of OM in the collage frame. Played in through in my head a few times recently and feel I can pull it off in a confident and calm fashion. Then I will brace myself for the reprocusions. The last time I confronted her about the picture she had hidden, I got a verbal assault on how selfish and controlling I am. It will be interesting to see what I get this time.

Odd thing is w still mentioned that I should invite my parents to come visit for Easter. Not sure why she is so willing to do things like that but won't have a conversation.
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2233267 - 03/25/12 11:09 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 981
Had a productive weekend.

Started Saturday by helping some friends from church move into their new home. Lots of people showed up so it was fun fellowship with the guys and it feels good being able to help someone. The husband is in the Coast Guard and they've moved around a lot. Much of their stuff has been in storage for over 3 years. Best part was seeing their 8th grade daughter get so excited about her stuff coming out of storage and getting a great new room!

Went home and cleaned up the lawn and washed & vacuumed both cars to get them cleaned up. I even got a "thank you" from my W for cleaning the car. Got some steaks at the store and grilled those for dinner.

Today, D10 woke up with a goopy eye. She'd had pink eye earlier in the week but had been on medicine for 5 days now. W took it as an opportunity to stay home from church. Did some grocery shopping in the afternoon. Had planned to take my kids to see my new office but its a 45 minute drive and it was getting late. W didn't want them out too late.

We decided to celebrate my new job next weekend. I told the kids rather than a nice dinner, we'd just grab something simple and then go ride go-karts. They seemed pretty pleased about that.

I did not talk to my w about the t-shirt yet. She spent most of the weekend in her pjs. Saturday she had a headache most of the day and today she just bummed around doing very little. Didn't see much sense in kicking her while she was down. Also there were just "signs" in places that made me thing it wasn't the right time. hard to explain here but they were also hard to ignore for me.

I have an IC session in the morning. Will talk about my struggle with resentment and how to approach my talk with W about the t-shirt & picture of OM.
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

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#2233390 - 03/26/12 01:09 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
CES - it's like a global warning sign that when you try to speak to a spouse rationally about the other person, they always come back that you are being controlling, manipulative, etc. In away there's some truth to it in that you do have your own agenda in mind, to save your M and family. They're reaction to it however, is usually one of fear and the same out of control mental processes that got them into an A and to walk away.

You can't do anything about an A except protect your kids and paractical matters as best you can, let them go and move forward. A very tall order.

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#2233393 - 03/26/12 01:26 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: rickb89]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 981
Thanks Rick. You're right. My action to discuss is to gain my own agenda and ultimately my hope would be to impact my W to see things differently. While I see it as trying to fight for my M, it can also be seen as trying to control my W to act as I want.

Not quite sure what I'll accomplish. I may get rid of the t-shirt and picture, but not sure what that ultimately gains me towards the bigger goal of saving my M.
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

Top
#2233401 - 03/26/12 01:59 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
AlwaysTrying Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/11
Posts: 243
I just realized I hold my breath during every one of your updates, ces. I'm looking for signs of improvement and really hoping for good developments in your life. I'm rooting for you.

I hope you do manage to have that conversation with your wife and never have to see that t-shirt again.
_________________________
- All for the kids -
Me:34, W:35
M:7, T:13
S6, D3 + my D15 from previous marriage
July 2011 "I think I need a separation"
W filed D September
Currently living apart - she has the house, I rent a room

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#2233444 - 03/26/12 04:47 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: AlwaysTrying]
ces67 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 981
Thanks AT. Here's something. Out of the blue today, I get a text msg from W saying...

"thanks for cleaning the car! I love driving a clean car!"

Not sure where that bit of joy came from but I just responded with a "you're welcome" and left it at that....
_________________________
Me:44, W:43
S:15, D:11
M:21, T:24
Bomb: July 2010
Stopped MC for 2nd time late summer 2013
Dropping the rope...

Top
#2233463 - 03/26/12 05:50 PM Re: Death of a "nice guy" [Re: ces67]
rickb89 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 1119
Originally Posted By: ces67
Thanks Rick. You're right. My action to discuss is to gain my own agenda and ultimately my hope would be to impact my W to see things differently. While I see it as trying to fight for my M, it can also be seen as trying to control my W to act as I want.

Not quite sure what I'll accomplish. I may get rid of the t-shirt and picture, but not sure what that ultimately gains me towards the bigger goal of saving my M.



The issue of the other person is probably one of the biggest issues we will ever face. I don't know anyone on this board thas cheated on their spouses, so it's such an unimaginable shock when it happens to us. I don't know of any easy answer whether we choose to move forward without our spouse because of it or try to forgive it and R. The answer is beyond our abilities I think and even if we release it to the devine it's still a killer.

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