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#2231251 - 03/16/12 07:46 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
Dory Offline
Member

Registered: 03/05/12
Posts: 75
Loc: West Coast Canada
Originally Posted By: stephanie111
Hi Dory,

I do see this as a possibility. However, he did confide in a girl from work shortly after we separated. I saw emails they sent back and forth. He was just saying that he felt so sad about life and not happy with his marriage and she was complaining about her married life (she just got married in October). If he wanted to be completely alone, then why would he confide his feelings to her??


There could be any number of reasons for this, only your H knows for sure. One possibility is that your H doesn't feel the fear of judgement from someone whose opionion of him wouldn't bother him if it were negative (like yourself or his mother). Perhaps your H has found some common ground with this coworker, in that she understands his position of being unhappy in a marriage, if she's living in one herself. Whatever the case may be, nobody has a crystal ball and is able to say what's really going on inside your H's head. Only he knows his reasons. But I feel I must warn you to be cautious about making any assumptions or jumping to any conclusions. How does the saying go? It's best to avoid jumping to conclusions, otherwise you could fall & hurt yourself. Something like that. My point being, to be careful about making any assumptions as it can sometimes lead down a path of anxiety.

As for the dog, again, only your H knows the answer to this. But I suspect that if he is depressed, the dog probably doesn't even fall under his radar. On some level he knows you're available to take care of it & will, so he's able to let go of any responsibility he feels towards it while he's feeling this way.
_________________________
M:36 WAH:41
M:16 T:17
D:12 SS:21
Bomb: IDLY 10/29/11
Separated same day, about an hour after the bomb.

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#2231291 - 03/16/12 10:43 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Dory]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
I wish I did have a crystal ball or really better yet...that he would actually tell me what is going on in his head. It just doesn't make sense and it is driving me crazy. I try hard not to think about it, but my mind always goes back to the situation at hand.

We have DB coaching tomorrow morning and it can't come soon enough! It will be two weeks since I've talked to him or seen him. I don't know what to expect!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2231300 - 03/16/12 11:51 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
DestinyUnknown Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/10
Posts: 382
Loc: Virginia
Stephanie -

It does drive you crazy, the inconsistency in our Hs behavior. You are doing amazingly well, much better than me in my stitch. Don't be hard on yourself. I am a Navy wife whose H's left on xmas eve 2 1/2 years ago, to have his deployed for 15 months and while deployed, we began reconciliation, and then 1 year into the reconciliation, he wanted out again. I let that destroy me and that is why is am in a deeper level of therapy.

I often feel like I don't have much to add because of badly I have reacted to my H need/desire to leave. I guess it is because I know now that I never truly let him go, detached - I thought I did, but the events of last month tell me I never did emotionally, I kept him mentally attached.

You have a unique opportunity to be YOU. Self worth and esteem are essential to your well-being and may help improve individual relationships. I have experienced low self worth and esteem and combined with my inability to trust my H. I believe this has contributed to my downward spirals and possibly contributed/helped him to justify his negatives feelings about our marriage.

5 weeks ago I reached a very low point and I am finally beginning to understand more about myself than I wanted to know all during my life. For a longtime, I always excused my Hs behavior. We are both depressed and we were cycling between feelings of uncertainty, distrust, depression, and idleness. While he was right to say I needed to seek help, he needed to as well.

I know how difficult it is to have the person who you turn to for support and understanding walk away, well, I guess we all do. I feel good when my mind is not racing on what my H is doing or thinking. Do you have girlfriends that you can spend time with? Do you have a hobby? I recently started running 3 weeks agao, even completing the St. Patty's Day race here in DC last weekend. There are many sites where you can meetup with other folks who may have the same interests as you.

Keep you head up. Things can get better.
_________________________
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty
Me 44
H 51
T 15 yrs
M 9+ yrs
No Kids
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."

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#2231306 - 03/17/12 12:38 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: DestinyUnknown]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
Thanks Destiny,

I am trying so hard! I do have friends that I talk to and meet up with, but you're right it's just not the same as the one person that you want to be with. I want all these answers, but I'm not sure if my H even has them for me. I just could never imagine myself doing this to him, so I can't possibly understand why he is doing this to me, when we have no clear cut 'problems' in our marriage.

He truly is a wonderful guy...I just want that wonderful guy back and working on things with me.

Also, I am sorry to hear that you are going through this situation. Hopefully things will get better for the both of us and our prayers are answered. I have never prayed so much in my life!!!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2231308 - 03/17/12 12:45 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
DestinyUnknown Offline
Member

Registered: 02/08/10
Posts: 382
Loc: Virginia
Thank you.

It is true. I also never prayed so much in my adult life. I lost touch with my faith and their is nothing like a major trauma to return you to God's hands. Stay strong, the answeres will come.
_________________________
OLD THREAD-http://tinyurl.com/y98nuty
Me 44
H 51
T 15 yrs
M 9+ yrs
No Kids
"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough."

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#2231383 - 03/17/12 06:17 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: DestinyUnknown]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2090
Stephanie,

Your coach said to go no contact because talking does not work -- it makes things worse when your WAS wants space.

One thing I did is to score how I was feeling from 1 - 10, then put a date on the calendar for 1 week or 2 weeks from now. Focus on getting to that date and score yourself again. Note what makes you feel better and do more of that.

The helpless feeling is terrible I know but the DB coach knows what they are doing

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014
Divorced 8/2014

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#2231458 - 03/17/12 08:30 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: Accuray]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
So, we had our DB coaching session today and it went well. He was in there for an hour talking to our coach about things. Then, I met with her for a half hour and then the both of us met with her. He did say that he felt unappreciated in our marriage and that I did not initiate sex enough, which are things I can definitely work on and am willing to work on.

The coach then did suggest, and he agreed too, THANK GOD, for us to start dating again. This week she wants us to go on one date and then next week 2 and so forth and so on. We are supposed to talk during these dates about how we've changed in the past month, what things we are going to continue changing, and just our feelings. We also talked about ways we are have to communicate better.

So, then after we left coaching, we drove in our separate cars and started heading home. While on the highway, he sped by me and smirked at me. I, then, called him and said "What you think that smirk is going to get you out of a ticket?" And he laughed and said yeah. So we continued having a "playful" conversation on the phone for 5 minutes and I ended it by saying that we had to plan our date for this week and he said he knew, so we discussed the only 2 days we both were available (he works nights). He said he would let me know and I said "Okay, well have a good night and I'll talk to you soon."

I, then, went shopping and remembered that I could not meet up with him on one of the nights that I told him because I have training for work, so I texted him letting him know this information and that the only day I have available is tomorrow for breakfast or lunch. This was 5 hours ago that I texted him and NO RESPONSE!!!! These are the things that I don't understand. Why he cannot text me back...I mean it's tomorrow that is our only possibility for a date this week.
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

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#2231472 - 03/17/12 09:53 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I'm happy that your session went well. I kinda am jealous that you were able to accomplish so much in such a short amount of time... LOL!! It's taken 7 months for my H to finally initiate a date. (But I'll take it!)

About the text... you never really know what went on after you texted him. He could have been away from his phone that entire time. I know that happens to me all the time. He could be thinking about if he's ready to "date" this soon after the coaching session... IDK. Patience, patience, patience. It is seriously the biggest up and down spiral. And, to be honest, you have to get used to that.

So many times I've heard, expect NOTHING. It's pretty true. The more you expect, the harder you'll fall when he disappoints you time and time again.

I hope, for your sake, that he will actually take the time to go on this date. Good luck!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2231482 - 03/17/12 10:45 PM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: jks]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
I hope he responds too! One of his comments in coaching was that I don't take enough initiative in our relationship. So, that's why I asked about the date and I figured it's just breakfast and taking our dog for a walk...we don't even need to talk about our relationship....just day to day stuff!

I know that I should expect nothing and then when he does something that I will be the most happy, but it's hard to do that. I am also surprised that he is willing to date so quickly after all of this. We are still physically separated and did not talk these past two weeks, so we're a loooong way!!!
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
#2231516 - 03/18/12 04:04 AM Re: Husband left me...feel hopeless [Re: hopingandpraying]
hopingandpraying Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 283
H did respond and we are going to breakfast tomorrow morning. He is picking me up at our house, which at first he did not want to do because he said he has done too much driving lately. I do not feel bad for him because I drive almost an hour to work and since he's moved out his commute to work is 15 minutes, so I don't know what his complaint about driving is all about.

Anyways, he is picking me and it's just breakfast, but I'm so nervous. Of course, a part of me wants to drag on the date and I want us to take our dog for a walk, but I know I have to take baby steps. I guess I'll just see how he is acting and responding to me...

Any suggestions?
_________________________
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs
Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!)
EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12
H introduces OW to his fam: June
H moves ALL stuff out: July

I'm living my truth without your lies..

Top
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