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A Message from Michele
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#2233504 - 03/26/12 11:16 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Thanks, snodderly. Believe me, my H could care less where the kids and I live. He forced me to list our house back in January because he doesn't want the mortgage anymore and since he moved out on a whim we are not in a position to run two households indefinitely. And, get this, he wants to buy his own place soon. So, like this whole crazy mess, this is all about him. As long as he has a roof over his head he doesn't care that the kids and I will need to move. I did accept the job today so that will give me options. For now I've unlisted the house per my attorney. I need a settlement before I can look into buying the house or relisting it and that is a ways down the road. My H thinks this all needs to be done as quick as possible. I just don't know this person anymore. The man I knew wouldn't have wanted to be away from his kids for a day and would have done anything for them. The man he has become has no relationship with his kids (he's trying, but they're angry) and doesn't even care about something as basic as housing.

#2233534 - 03/27/12 01:30 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
WenikiTiki Offline

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1110
Loc: California
I am very sorry you are going through this.

The crazy talk is very amazing, isn't it?

I just got done washing our cars. I washed his because I was thinking about which one I want to keep. So I was carefully inspecting it, trying it on for size.

And for some odd reason a line from a song came in my head. It was a country song, where she says: "I'm a page you have turned, I'm no longer your concern."

And boy did that make me think, that is what they think. They are so done.

My H was telling me he would just sell the house for the payoff and not care if we got any money, because he can go earn more. WOW! I didn't tell him that since my name is on the mortgage and the title he can't sell it without my signature.

And I sure hope he earns more money, and even more so I hope he doesn't have a stroke when the judge tells him what part of "His" money I will get for however many years I get money for.

But yes, they sure don't think about us. It is all about them!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32
D final 9/12
Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!

#2233538 - 03/27/12 01:34 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Cadet]
luvless Offline

Registered: 05/03/06
Posts: 1583
Loc: Los Angeles
Wow golf mom our relationship dates are so similar.

I was married 19 and I thought too in November that we had been better than ever....boy was I wrong.

We should talk!

I'll be checking back on you.

M44 H41
M20 T23
3 older teens
Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy"
EA Nov 09 w/coworker
Another PA in Mar 10
I Filed Apr 10
D final Dec 10

#2233713 - 03/27/12 06:29 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: luvless]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
My H sent me a long text today threatening to stop paying the mortgage if I didn't let the realtor start showing the house again. I was stalling since I felt pretty confident that I was going to get a job that would enable me to pay the mortgage. Well, yesterday I did get the job that I wanted after two longs months of jumping through hoops to get it. I called H today and asked him to stop sending me threatening texts and emails regarding the house. When he threw out that he wasn't going to pay the mortgage indefinitely I said that's fine, I can pay it since I just got a really good job. Silence! Then, I'm really happy for you, blah, blah. That should get his mind spinning. A few minutes prior he stated that he was tired of scraping by. Well, he should have thought about all of that before he abruptly left. I've asked him to give me time to get settled into my job and create a new life for me and the boys. I can't take time off work to deal with the divorce that he wants. I've told him that I'm done talking about our relationship, so I'm not standing in his way. I just need to take care of one thing at a time. I'll be very curious to see if he still files for divorce or if he'll give me the time I am asking for (and the time he needs also, he just doesn't know it). I couldn't really tell what he was thinking when we hung up.

#2233759 - 03/27/12 09:47 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: job]
Cadet Offline


Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 12274
Loc: NY
Originally Posted By: snodderly
Strike while the iron is hot...if your h is willing to give you the home, get it in writing now.
The longer they are in crisis and the further they down the yellow brick road, they will change their minds.
Do it while he is in the early stage, while he may still feel a little bit guilty for what he is doing to you and your family.

This is such good advice, the longer you wait the worse it will get.
Me-64, D31,S30

#2234193 - 03/29/12 04:19 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: Cadet]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
I'm really stressed about my housing situation. My H has no problem giving me the house and will put it in writing, but he wants his name off the loan. Since I'm just starting a new job and there isn't a D settlement (he hasn't filed yet) it is unlikely that I will qualify for a loan right now. It's so frustrating since I can pay the current mortgage. I would like to refinance, however, since I would save a ton. I just can't believe that after 19 years of marriage he could be such a jerk, especially where the kids are concerned. We have been in our house for 15 years and it's the only home my kids have ever known. Also, I'm close with a lot of my neighbors and they are going to help get my kids to and from school when I start my job next week. My attorney suggested that we go to a mediator over this, but I can't take time off work to deal with it. I'm just praying that over the next few months he decides to work with me and not against me (a long shot, I know). I shouldn't be penalized for being a SAHM or because my H wants out. I swear, if he forces the issue and I have to sell the house and move I will never have anything to do with him again. How foolish he would be to burn his bridges with me. Considering I will have the majority of his income plus my own salary he may need my help some day.

#2234240 - 03/29/12 07:44 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
AJM Offline

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3622
I'm not a lawyer. I don't even play one on the internet. But it seems to me that your husband wants something and you want something. He wants off the house note. You want the house. The question is one of timing.

The thing about negotiation is that you can negotiate with any rational person on the planet. Really. It's easy.

It's not possible with an irrational person. Believe me smile

But what you can do is make the offer to remove him from the deed contingent on his payments, his settlement, etc. Somebody has to go first and in this case you are suggesting it is him. When you sign the agreement ask your lawyer about putting in wording to the effect that you'll take him of the note within 12 months of the divorce settlement. His laywer may balk at that and require that you show the ability to get a refinance. What you are after is to buy time while you can get some work history behind you.

Fight for your house. Whatever it takes, it will be worth it down the road. It's not the end of the world if you can't but it's important to you and the kids.

Your Husband won't be any help. You'll have to coordinate around him regardless of his mood swings.

The trick is to get the time and to do things regardless of your anger or how he reacts.

Be careful of emotion when it comes to negotiation. I've been where you are and kept the house. (I wasn't a stay at home parent though; she was before she left.) But staying away from the emotion helped in the long run. I ended up having the house on the market for a year with no reasonable offers. I was not willing to drop the price by much, but it bought me time. A year while we were both on the hook wink

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

#2234260 - 03/29/12 09:08 PM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: AJM]

Registered: 11/03/07
Posts: 2549
The advice on this topic has been right on. I kept my house and worked through the lawyer to do so. My ex wanted to get rid of the thing as soon as possible. He now spews about how he should have never let it go and what a mistake it was for him to do so. I had to get his name off the loan 6 months after the divorce. So I refinanced at that time. My ex thought that he would eventually recover the house because I would not be able to keep the yard up or pay the mortgage. He was wrong and is livid about that to this day. I know you are in a lot of pain regarding how your H is treating you. Look at everything right now as a business arrangement. Protect yourself and know that he will not be returning to planet earth for a good long time.
Me: 46 H:44
Together: 25 years
Married: 20 years
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07
OW: EA began 2005
PA began end of 2006
3 children,20, 16, 6
ex asked for forgiveness

#2234298 - 03/30/12 01:32 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: TRUSTING]
golf mom Offline

Registered: 03/21/12
Posts: 661
Thank you for all the replies. It's been a sad day. My husband texted me and told me that he filed for divorce and that I would be served soon. Then he followed up by saying that it's a long process and we can always withdraw the papers if he changes his mind and I'm receptive. Is this typical of an MLCer? I knew it was coming, but it still hurts. I just want to know why the boys and I aren't worth fighting for. On a good note, he agreed to unlisted the house and promptly called the realtor. He said he will work with me so that I can refinance in my name alone or we will refi together with the agreement that only I will decide if and when I want to sell in the future. He then said "I hope you don't screw me because I only want the best for you and the boys." Really??? I'm so confused by this. Is this just guilt talking? I will have my attorney draw up an agreement ASAP before he changes his mind. I'm so relieved since I love my home and my support network is here. I know we're at the end of the road, but I still find myself hoping for a miracle.

#2234309 - 03/30/12 02:33 AM Re: New Here - I need help on this unexpected journey [Re: golf mom]
MrBond Offline

Registered: 06/18/08
Posts: 12602
Yes this is totally natural, but forget about mlc for a second.

"if he changes his mind"

See this is where you have to change that perception. You can't have him hold the power and control over you. You'll find out that once he discovers that he can't lord over you, he will start to break.

Get yourself strong and empowered. No man will have power over you and your life. You are the one whom he should be kneeling to. Get to that point of not giving a cr*p about him any more and you'll see his attitude change.
M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.


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