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"I think it might be best for my kids,"

It is best for your kids. If your W was unhappy then she should be the one to leave. What do you want? Do you want to be home? Then be home.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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danielf Offline OP
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MrBond, we are still in the same house. The separation at the end of the month is not what I meant would be best for the kids. Four months from now, when the kids are off for summer, we have talked about "moving back home" to where all of our family lives in another state. That is what I am torn about, as I don't know if I should choose the most healthy environment for me or for the kids.


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
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Daniel I agree with Mr. Bond in that your W is unhappy and has OM so that is why we are saying she should be the one to leave. I can certainly understand that you want what's best for your kids we should always want that. the question still remains, what do you want?

I understand that your name is on the lease but in reality once you are out she can change the locks on you forcing you to take her to court. I spoke with a L last week in regards to when my W moves out and if I have the right to change my locks once she does even though both of our names are on the mortgage. I was told that it is in my best interest to do that because at any time my W could come into the house and clean me out. I was told that I can't come and go as I please in her new place so why should she have her cake and eat it too. She will be mad I was told but so what the only way she could get back in the house would be for her to take me to court. Sorry to hijack your thread I'm just giving you food for thought.

We are just trying to look out for your best interest right now because I'm sure you aren't ready to do it yourself. Now you could go back home with your kids and get your own place with them and leave her to fend for herself if it were me I would go that route. At this point it is best to not think of her as your W because quiet frankly she isn't especially with OM in the picture. Now I'm not telling you to be cold, mean, nasty and heartless to her what I'm telling you is to DETACH from her.
I suggest that you search out bustorama's threads on how he successfully busted his D and more importantly made some significant changes in his life. I know you will benefit from reading his threads.


M 44 W 43
S 23 S 15
INILWY 9/11
Divorce Mediation started 3/13
June 30 the day W is moving out
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danielf Offline OP
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I need some help on setting boundaries. I am sad to say that they are somewhat a foreign concept to me. Time for that to change.
So, she uses my computer to comm w/OM (hers is broken so we "traded"). She takes walks in the evening to talk to him on her phone (family money pays for phones). I'm glad that she leaves the house to talk.
And then there's the big one, MY WIFE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR AND I WON"T STAND FOR IT!
But what does that mean? What does it look like?
I've been looking through the forums on this, and advice is usually "Here is what I won't accept. If you do X, then Y will happen. If you don't do X, then Z will happen."
But I need help with specifics. Brainstorming:
"W, I will not live in an open M. If you continue to comm w/OM, then ..."
Okay, let's start with a smaller one.
"W, I will not allow my computer to be used to carry on an affair against me. If you continue to do so, you will have to use your computer." Zing! (just kidding)
"W, I am not going to sleep on the couch anymore. I will sleep in our bedroom. If you feel uncomfortable there, I think you should sleep on the couch." (we've been taking turns)
"W, I will not move out of my children's home unless I am ordered to do so by a judge. If you need space, we can talk about the details of you moving out."
Please help. Some of those don't feel right/strong. I could cancel our phone lines, cancel our internet (or just hide the router or change password), put her phone in a blender. Any other ideas?
And then I come back to the big boundary that is being invaded and totally belittling me. What is the "...then Y" there?


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danielf Offline OP
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Can anyone refer me to a thread or pp# on "dropping the rope". I couldn't find it in the books, and no thread that does a good description. Lots of postings suggesting that it is what is good for my sitch (W in A but living at home). Thanks.


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danielf Offline OP
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Sorry, pp#=page # from DR or DB books.


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Dropping the rope means to stop pursuing your W. She sees pursuit as a leash (rope) that's not letting her be free.

I would suggest this and again this is just my opinion. Tell her that you love and respect her, however you will not continually be disrespected by her talking to another man while you're still married to her. Tell her that she will not be taking the children and that you have made plans for you and them to be happy.

Then pack up her things and ask her kindly to leave.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Why is your name on the apartment lease?


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
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danielf Offline OP
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Drew, we are renting the house we live in. Both of us are on the lease we signed 2 years ago.

This is going to be a big weekend!


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danielf Offline OP
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Bond:"Then pack up her things and ask her kindly to leave."

Problem is, the response I expect would be "no."
If that is the line I draw, then the action I will take would have to be legal movement towards a divorce. Bad thing to try to call a bluff with a bluff.
I want to bust this divorce, not initiate it.
"then Y" needs to be MY action, not "you should move out."
I'm so lost on this. "If you choose to communicate w/OM, then I think you should move out." I was ready to go with that until a friend opened my eyes about not really having much leverage.

So, I think this weekend will be "I'm not moving out, and I don't plan on moving later." But I guess I'm not ready to set down the boundary.
What if I stole her SIM card and got rid of the internet at home? Too petty?


Me:33, W:32
D:11, S:10, S8
M:12
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