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Love that movie! and why is that? They come back when they know you forgot about them (GAL??)


M 42 H 39
T10 (-2yrs separation)
S8 D5
DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA)
Reconciled 6/2013
Separation in works 1/2017
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Push/pull dynamics. Basic human instinct.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Starsky309
tpc,

I know you are a man of faith. After a friend sent this to me (last nite), and after reading your post here this morning, I felt led that I was supposed to share this song with you:


"Lead Me"


It's powerful.


You are not alone in this,


Starsky




Sorry to intrude here but I had never heard this song before. Thanks for posting. This is my failing in a nutshell.


M:28 | W:28 | T:4.5 | M:2.5 | No Children
EA1 Uncovered: Jun 2011
EA2 Uncovered: 2011-09-29
S: 2011-09-29
I'm moving on: 2012-05-08
My story: http://bit.ly/K3ttPM
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Well, I raced twice yesterday. First race I placed in the cash payout. Second race, the Pro-Am, I held on for dear life. All that, plus setting up and breaking down the event since it was our team's hosted race.

I was up at 4:30am. Got home at 6pm. I tried to get back on the floor tiling but kept screwing up because my brain was mush. I wanted to get up and race again on Sunday but I opted out for a long, fun ride. Long was spot on, 105 miles. But I was hurting from racing the day before so it wasn't fun.

My wife and her dad were suppose to leave Florida around 5am this morning. Her father had a bad nights rest so they didn't get up until later. I think they left at 8. I've spoken to her several times and she told me that she's been missing me. Ok. I've been really trying to be scarce the past few days. I want her to need me. Being too available hasn't been good.

Can I be honest and up front about something? Good.
There is a younger lady that is showing a lot of interest in me. It's flattering and it's a confidence booster. She too is an athlete on my team and we were paired together yesterday during the race. We were handling the timing chips and payouts for all the cyclists. So when I wasn't racing I had to be at the tent with her. I was sort of uncomfortable because I can tell and I'm trying to keep it at bay.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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Feeling a little better today. My stepping back helped a little. Yesterday we both stayed home and I worked on the floor a little more and it seemed like she really wanted to be close.

One thing I forgot to mention. When her father came to drop her and my daughter off, he told me that my wife was telling him a lot of good things about me.

Do what? Ok.

We got our other car back but it cost us all we had left at the time. With her working part-time right now we're in a pretty bad pinch. We're making it through and I tell her that over and over. But it really depresses her.

The problem is, she knows what it will take to get her back into nursing and making good money but she won't do it. She rocks back and forth between being motivated to do everything and to not do anything at all. This in turn has kept the nursing board from giving her the go ahead. She mentioned taking a second job at nights. I was pretty steamed (but didn't show it at all). I just listened and told her that if she wants more money why doesn't she find a full time job during the day? It's like she wants to step backwards anytime she really needs to step forward.

Here's a related issue. Our youngest little girl didn't make the cut for cheer leading. She's been cheering since she was 4. Now she's 12. It devastated her. In all honesty, she's good, but she isn't top notch. And when you're going against 75 other girls to fill a 12 position slot you have to be top notch. Her older sister is top notch and she wants to be just like her. Unfortunately she won't put in the hours of stretching and practice she needs. So when it came time to compete, she was off a little.

We all took the news pretty badly. Our little girl was beside herself and couldn't understand why they picked girls they passed on last year when she made the cut. She was also crushed that all her close friends made it and she was the only one who didn't. We encouraged her to move on and try something new ...

Now she's in track and here's the big dilemma; She scared to tears every day knowing she has to compete at two events she's not good at. She runs the 1600 and 800. The two longest runs for track. She absolutely hates it. She tells us that she feels like throwing up when she gets to the line. She wants to quit and tells us that other friends of hers are going to.

Nope.

I'm doing everything in my power as a dad to motivate her. She's going to stick this out and do it. At first, I could tell she was really upset about it but the longer I talked to her the more I could tell she was forcing out the tears. I told her that as many times as I've gotten to the starting line I still feel nervous, it's natural. Everyone feels nervous. But the more you do it the less nervous you get.

The biggest thing is your character, I tell her. See her biggest fear is what her friends think about her since she isn't at all fast. Most of the time she's last. I'm trying to work on her understanding that not giving up is the biggest win she could ever get. Since I started racing the Pro-Am category I've been almost last a lot. But I don't quit. Guys pull out of the race all the time because they can't keep up. Even when I fall off the pace I continue. It'll help me to improve because I treat it like training. Go hard and stick with it.

And there are tons of people watching. I have teammates watching me get last. Oh well, I said. They may watch me get last, but they will hardly ever see me give up. Not saying it will never happen. It will. There are tons of reason why I could pull out of a race but not because I lake the will. I've even puked during a race in order to continue. Hell, I eventually got 5th place and lapped the field with 4 other guys during that race.

The thing is, my wife feels the same way about our daughter not giving up. But she's tormented by the fact that she's given up on several things after she lost her job. She's bounced around for trying this to trying that and never stuck it out when things got tough. She has lost so much motivation over the years. Even now she's giving up on NA, her nursing license, and sometimes I think me and her.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
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Quote:
She absolutely hates it. She tells us that she feels like throwing up when she gets to the line. She wants to quit and tells us that other friends of hers are going to.

Nope.


Wow. TPC ... reread that.

... and your reaction ... "suck it up sister. it builds character. do it my way, (cause your way is working out so well)" It may build character ... or it may break her spirit ... brainwash her enough that if she just pushes through the bile and deep dislike - she'll be a champ???? And that will make her life better, how?

Do you love your daughter? or do you love what you think she should achieve? Do you love your wife? or the paycheck she could bring in if she'd just get with your thinking?

TPC, do you have an IC? You need to do some work on control and expectations. It is a fine line between teaching our children values and commitment - but when a child is telling you she is feeling physically ill and "hates" something, and you don't take some time to find out what's going on with her before launching into the Coach-Dad routine .... in child protection, they have a name for that.

DB her TPC. The prinicples can be applied to every relationship in your life - and they will rock your world.

V


V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
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Here's the thing; I know my daughter. I know exactly what she's capable of and what she's not. My daughter ran a 5K (3.2mile) race once in under 36 minutes. She's run three of them actually. One by herself and 2 with me.

I also know that since my daughter was an infant that she has the idea in her head that if she really cries hard enough she can MAKE herself throw up. We'd go to restaurants and if she didn't want to get in a highchair she'd cry until she threw up in front of everyone. Even at the age of 12 she thinks this is a way of getting her way. She is really really stubborn It's been an issue for as long as I can remember. I know it. Her mother knows it. Her sister knows it. Everyone does. It's also caused a lot of problems at home because when we tell the oldest daughter to do something she does it - though with a little agitation. When we tell this little girl to do something ... excuse, complain, cty, kick, beg, cry, throw up ... get out of it. Because of this the oldest girl has built a lot of resentment over the years saying that her younger sister gets out of everything she doesn't want to do.

Now I'm in the middle of it trying to get my youngest to understand that she will eventually have to face reality. No longer are there going to be tears and gagging to get out of things she doesn't want to do.

How does this make me feel? Horrible sometimes. Mainly, because she can really whip one up and make it seem like your hacking off an appendage.

For two days now I have talked to her about facing her fears - no matter what they are. Her fear this time is what people think of her because she usually gets last. I told her that I do too now that I've moved up in Category. It's not what others think, it's what you think of yourself and how hard you're working on making yourself better at what you do.

Last night I came home with hand-written quotes on perseverance, giving it your all, fear, and character. I told her to pick two quotes, cut them out, and when it's time to get ready to race, stick one in each shoe. Then when you're done with your events we'll pull them out and look at how you crushed them under your feet. She liked the idea. Also, I gave her one of my Team's water bottles, two gel packs, and a protein bar. I told her to slam a gel pack before her first race, then immediately after drink and take another to prepare for the next one. Once that one was over drink again and eat the recovery bar. I get a ton of stuff from our sponsors so I'm going to give her a little gift pack each day she has an event. I'm also going to give her some of my DeFeet socks. They may do nothing for her but I want her to wear them and know that I'll always be with her - even when she feels like she's out there running all by herself.

When it was time to go to bed last night she asked me to pep talk her again. So I did. She fell asleep peacefully and happy.

So ... "suck it up, sister." Yeah. She's going to suck it up and face her fears. She's going to learn to cope and adapt. She's not going to get out of things the way she used to anymore.

Parents are a bunch of weaklings now. We don't want to ruffle our little kid's egos or make them feel distress in any way. So when they grow up and stub their little toe in the real world they don't know how to cope. We cover their ears, cover their eyes, but never teach them to cover their mouths. So when they complain the least little bit we try to protect them - from what I don't know.

I've taught both my girls that once you're in something - especially if YOU decided to get into it - there's not giving up. I don't want them bouncing around from this and that until their comfortable. Comfort is this world's God now. You don't want it? Screw it, move on. You don't like it? Find something else? It doesn't taste good? Throw it away and get what you want. Oh, it's a little tough? Stop and we'll find something easier. I'm sorry you feel discomfort let me do it for you. And here's a piece of cake,go sit down in front of the TV and turn on your favorite show. No. It's ok that I was watching something. You go ahead and run things the way you want. I'll cower down and make sure everything is comfortable for you. Sheesh.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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Oh and the wife and paycheck thing.

My wife and her paychecks is my wife's problem. Not mine. Yeah, we're in a pinch but I've told her countless times that if the current job she has is nice and she loves it, stick to it and show everyone how awesome you are. She loves her current job. It doesn't pay much but she grabs every opportunity to do more when called on. She's also been told that she's one of their best recent hires.

The nursing thing was her giving up - again. She's given up on several high prospects because it was too difficult to maintain. Too many phone calls, too many meetings, too many situations where she could possibly be rejected.

And to be honest, it's killed her. She knows exactly what she should have done. And no, I'm not hammering her with it at all. She's hammering herself about it. That's enough. I'm on the sideline watching her beat herself up about it and I'm trying to clear her head.

She's a scatter-brain and can't stay on course with things. So what do I do? I help lay out plans - on paper. I make them simle and straight forward. She gets motivated and starts. Then ... eventually gives up. We laid out plans for NA and the nursing. They were very simple and I told her that I would be right by her side helping her. Then when the day came to start, she didn't want to. Why? Because it felt like I was forcing her.

So I wonder where my youngest gets her stuff from?


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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I keep falling prey to my weaknesses. I'm simply not strong enough yet to not be suspicious. And because of it, there is a constant divide in our marriage. I need to let go of this whether or not she's talking to someone else because it is doing more harm than anything.

When I ask for reassurance the road for us gets rough and she actually tells me that she doesn't know if we can continue. It happened last night. And I'm ashamed of myself.

There are so many areas in my life that I've strengthened. So many areas that I've become confident and strong, but some of the most important areas I've yet to tackle.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 197
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It's been a while. Here's where I am right now.

I made it a goal not to speak of anything concerning her infidelity for a month. So far I've marked 27 calendar days with acting cool about it.

My next goal is to fight all doubt, insecurity, etc that is associated with what happened. There are days (like this morning on the way to work) where I expect to find her still fooling around and I need to walk out. I get real anxious and angry sometimes. I start working things out in my head with how it will end and what I will do - when, not if, it happens.

I also need to work on my suspicion. This is also a tough one because I easily read into a lot of things that are somewhat out of character for her. If she texts instead of calls, I assume it's because she's not where she should be. If she says she going someplace or to meet someone out of the norm I assume she's seeing her old flame. Paranoia. It [censored]. And it [censored] a big part of my energy.

But! I try to show only positive attitudes towards everything she does. I'm trying to show that I want her to have her space and be a person outside of our marriage. Today she is going to visit family. Did I wonder? Hell yeah. This isn't a person she usually visits. This is the second time going there. But I will let her and not question. She can do what she wants and I will not put a leash on her at all. I will be upbeat and tell her she needs to get out more.

The problem is though I start feeling extremely anxious. Trying to control these doubts and fears should be my next priority. I need to force them out and be happy for what's going on between us. We are together. We have some really good days together. We still kiss and cuddle and make love. We still hold hands and slow dance on occasion in our living room. We still take walks together and talk about our weekend plans. Sometimes she's genuinely passionate to me. When we fight about something we make up.

One day when the girls were gone I made the suggestion to go out and walk on the railroad tracks up to the store. It was a couple of miles away and the tracks snaked through the woods. We didn't have a clue if they were the same tracks that go to where we wanted but we did it anyway. We were wrong. The tracks took us out of the way and we had to backtrack and find where the branched off. We found the right ones and heading in the right direction. By the time we got to where we wanted to go it was getting dark. So we walked back on the roads. It was an adventure. It was fun. But the whole time I felt like my wife was out of it. She had been this way for days now and my heart was aching for a closeness I wasn't getting. She wasn't as approachable as she can be so I had to keep my distance and give her the space she needed.

That night we made a decision to create a family bucket list. We wanted everyone to write down things to do together that are close by and didn't cost much - if anything. Two of my suggestions were camping out, even if it's in the back yard first. And to walk this local trail that's about 8 miles long.

If you've read all this and can help me, I do have something on my mind about this current situation.

If she is seeing someone else, or at least talking to someone else, would she still want to be close to me and as affectionate as she is sometimes? I mean, sometimes she wants me real close and touching and kissing. Sometimes she asks me to lay my head on her lap while we watch TV. Sometimes she wants me to just hang out with her while she's working on one of her projects. I always comply and never make it negative in anyway. But I wonder if it's because she's really needing me because of love or because of guilt.


Me:42
W:43
M:03/08/98
SD17, D13
Found out about affair:12/16/10
Found out again: 06/22/12
Split: 06/22/12
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