Together Since We Were 15...Now Piecing

[rickb89]

Jenna - I'm so tired right now and will finish your conversation with Purg tomorrow. I do think you should give this relationship a shot still. You're way ahead of most of us in that you guys at least are agreeing to work on it. That's way better than the rest of us. I thnik Ronnie is the only other one whose spouse is at least making an effort.

[Jenna333]

He is agreeing to work on it, but then he hardly tries He mentioned today that he doesn't like how he's treating me and he doesn't know what's going on with him. So many unknowns. He said he's scared he won't be able to be the man that I deserve.

[rickb89]

Hey J Bro....this is where your counseling will be so helpful. Talk to your J about bringing this stuff up there. You both have to realize this will take time. You guys do that and the rewards can be limitless.

[RoRoinMD]

(((Jenna))) I agree with Rick. Your counselor may be able to help you guys work through some of these things. Be patient. (I know, look who is talking?)

I think you guys can work this out. Really I do.

[Jenna333]

He's being so lovey. He brought me home a few different treats last night. Guilt for screwing up so much this weekend? At least he's not feeling numb anymore. That scares the [censored] out of me. 

I looked through his phone last night. Told him this morning. I don't feel shameful about it since bringing it up in MC and having our C say that most everyone does it, and it unfortunately makes sense if there's no trust. That doesn't mean I'll do it often, but I'm not going to shame myself when I do. He reacted differently when I didn't apologize and said I didn't feel bad...like he knew he didn't have the upper hand over the situation, if that makes sense. Some female coworker texted him at 4am to ask where he was (the night he stayed out later than he should have). He was at his manager's (his last day was Friday) apartment. He said he was about to go home. She texted 'no.' I was weirded out by that. He said he has no idea what that was about. I then asked if he hung out with the girl he was infatuated with when he left me. She was there, and he said they all hung out around each other, but it was just small talk. 

I told him I don't want him talking to her anymore. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that, but he thinks it's ok to still be somewhat friends with her, and I'm not cool with that. It's not negotiable for me. He had to deal with me wanting to be friends with an OM for so long (I was a teen, if that makes a difference). I don't want him to be friends with her! Is that so bad? I'm probably overreacting. It was just small talk. It just ticks me off that he stayed out 3+ hours later he said he would, and she was there

This is when I have to remember how much I love him and want this to work, because the idea of being with a man who is mature, honest and responsible sounds so great...instead I'm with this man-child who has created so many trust issues that are hard to get past when he doesn't put priority on honestly, responsibility, or the relationship itself. 

[MrBond]

I believe I called this earlier. That's why I was recommending that you not rush into R so quickly. People going through R go through a period of false starts. Your situation is perfectly natural. The key is to remember this and keep up your DB efforts that got him to come back.

If he is serious about getting back together with you, he needs to be totally transparent and see to what your needs are. You have a right to check up on him. He has to be able to soothe your fear of him messing around. After all he told you he was interested in this OW so you have a right to know if he's still messing around. NEVER apologize for how you feel.

"I have to remember how much I love him and want this to work,"

Wrong. HE has to do that.

[Jenna333]

Thank you so much for saying that.

[Jenna333]

And the LBS becomes the WAS...

I left J an hour ago. I talked to him about what Mr. Bond said. That he should be trying to soothe my fears. His response was, "So I have to coddle you?" I just can't do this anymore. I got so infatuated with what he COULD be, that I refused to look at what he is. His actions have shown that I'm not a priority. Hell, he even told me yesterday that I'm not a priority and that he doesn't respect me.

I'm a bawling mess. I have to leave for school in an hour. He cried like a baby when I ended it, but he said he doesn't feel like he can be the man that I want. I told him that I want an honest and respectful man! If he can't be those things, then I don't want him I am so heartbroken to realize this. But I do deserve better. He could be that man, but doesn't care to try. He's so selfish.

[MrBond]

"So I have to coddle you?"

Answer: No you have to be a man and respect me.

"I'm not a priority and that he doesn't respect me."

This comes from his immaturity. Let the emotions wash over you and stand strong. You can do this but this is the reason why I didn't think you were ready to R. Both of you were high on EMOTION. That eventually goes away. He doesn't understand what it takes to respect you.

I would suggest you actually tell him. Write it out clearly and leave nothing out about how you would like to be treated. Imagine he's the village idiot, which judging from his reaction to you - he is.

Slow things down a bit. You are at one level and he's at another. Over time things will even out, but you have to be willing to understand that it won't change overnight. It takes alot of understanding and patience on both your parts. Maybe start the ball rolling with your writing.

[Jenna333]

Do you think we should remain in the R?

I think we are still going to counseling tomorrow morning. He hasn't said otherwise. I just got to school. I have 3 tests. I'm shaking like a leaf and on the verge of tears. Wonderful.

I'm already feeling like I want to text him